


Slow Motion Replay

by silversilky



Category: BanG Dream! (Anime), BanG Dream! Girl's Band Party! (Video Game)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Drama & Romance, F/F, Future Fic, Gen, NB Hina, NB Natsuki, Nonbinary Character, Slow Burn, Trans Female Character, Trans Kaoru, Trans Maya
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-13
Updated: 2020-07-06
Packaged: 2021-03-01 23:55:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 90,206
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23635669
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/silversilky/pseuds/silversilky
Summary: The world does not wait for Maya Yamato.Years after the incident that led to the dissolution of Pastel*Palettes, the steady rhythm of her daily life continues on, even without her old friends by her side. But unbeknownst to her, someone else is about to help Maya find her purpose once again...
Relationships: Aoba Moca/Shirasagi Chisato, Hikawa Hina/Maruyama Aya, Matsubara Kanon/Okusawa Misaki, Minor TomoHima and SayoTsugu, Minor or Background Relationship(s), Okusawa Misaki & Seta Kaoru, Okusawa Misaki & Yamato Maya, Seta Kaoru/Yamato Maya, Umino Natsuki & Yamato Maya, Wakamiya Eve/Hanne (BanG Dream!), Yamato Maya & Pastel Palettes
Comments: 169
Kudos: 123





	1. Chapter 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _🎵 Sharp distance_   
>  _How can the wind with so many around me_   
>  _I feel lost in the city 🎵_
> 
> [Content warning for descriptions of panic attacks and dysphoric thoughts, as well as mentions of alcohol.]

The lights in the practice room are so bright, it's blinding. Who turned them up so high? What sort of bulbs are they using? Maybe she can talk to them about switching to a different brand later on. It's starting to give her a headache these days.

  
Everyone's there.

  
She doesn't know what to say to them even though she was the one who made the whole group gather on an off day. The words clog in her throat, turn to dust on her tongue. 

  
They're looking at her so patiently, so expectantly. Aya, ready to respond with reassurance regardless of what she tells them. Hina, with her boundless curiosity. Eve, confident in her friend's ability to tell them what's going on. Chisato, almost certainly already plotting the safest route forward through whatever roadblocks will come.

  
She loves them all so much.

  
She loves them so much that she thinks she can get the words out.

  
"So, um," she starts, faltering, stumbling, "the reason I got you all here is because there's something I really need to tell you... it's something, er, sort of personal, and I hope... I hope it doesn't make you see me differently, huhehe..." Stop that! She hates that she laughs when she's nervous. But nobody here is laughing at her.

  
She takes in a deep breath.

  
BEEP

  
"The truth is, um, that I'm--"

  
BEEP

  
"The truth is--"

  
BEEP

  
"I'm--"

  
BEE--SLAM!

  
BEEP--fuck, she missed--SLAM!

  
...

  
All right, there we go.

  
Maya tosses back the covers with one arm, and they gather uselessly over her legs. Slipping herself out of her soft prison one leg at a time, she swings them over the side of the bed and makes landfall. As her feet touch the rough carpet of the apartment she immediately realizes she's still too tired to stand. Leaning forward like some sort of gargoyle-- _gar-girl? heh, that was okay_ \--she closes her eyes once more, hoping an extra twenty seconds of rest will rejuvenate her.

  
It does not, but the world does not wait for Maya Yamato.

  
She stumbles to the bathroom step by step, holding back a moan of a yawn, and when she makes it she holds onto the edge of the sink tightly. A glance into the mirror... yeesh, okay, that's enough of that for today. A quick, scalding hot shower is what she needs to clear the fluff out of her head.

  
After it's done, she spends some time on the basics--drying off her hair, short as it is, and shaving whatever slight shadow has crept up onto her face. She considers makeup, but a glance at the clock belays that. She wasn't really feeling it, anyway. Today's just studio work. Nobody gives a shit what she looks like there.

  
Nobody gives much of a shit about what Maya Yamato looks like anywhere these days, to be honest. And that's just the way she likes it. She puts her glasses on and blinks to adjust to the new clarity.

  
"Yo, Maya, where's the maple syrup at?" comes a voice from the kitchen. Well, kitchen area, at least, it's not really big enough to act as a full-fledged kitchen. But it's enough for her and her roommate right now, so it's fine. Maya doesn't know where the maple syrup is.

  
"Did you check in the bottom drawer?" she calls back, and it's a complete guess but for once her luck seems to prevail as a triumphant noise is the reply. She finishes drying off her hair and moves to her dresser, yanking open the door. Flannel, flannel, hoodie, hoodie, hoodie, flannel... ah, this works. She tugs out a pair of worn jeans and a t-shirt--dark green, with the cover of her favorite Masu Dore album on it. A good vibe for the day. She still likes green, you know, despite everything.

  
Maya hums the opening song off that album as she moves to the kitchen, hoping to grab a granola bar or something before she heads off. And--oh, she needs coffee, what was she thinking leaving before a cup?

  
She rummages through the cupboards looking for the house stash of shitty instant brew and finds a can that could have been it, once, with a faint dusting of black near the bottom. Sighing, she dumps the dregs out into a mug and starts heating up the water. Her roommate leans over her shoulder. "Yo, make me a cup too, I'm running on fumes."

  
"You used up the last of it last night." Maya gives her a tired look. "There's barely enough for me."

  
Misaki looks somewhat apologetic, but mostly just tired. She slouches down into her gray hoodie. "My bad... I had some leftover work to get through, guess I just tunnel visioned. I'll pick up some more while you're at your gig."

  
"It's not a gig." For it to be a gig, her name would have to be attached to it. "You know that, it's just backing tracks. Doubt half of them will ever be used, and the rest will go to... I don't know, commercial jingles or something."

  
The other woman snorts. "You're getting into commercials and complaining about it? All I do is write bullshit nobody'll ever read. May as well Lorem Ipsum it." She stops, as if contemplating the idea. "I mean, honestly, I could try that if we want to make the coffee last longer. I doubt they read past the first couple lines of whatever I turn in."

  
"Don't say that!" Maya replies, watching the steam rise as boiling water fills her cup and turns... not brown, but at least sort of murky. "Hey, what time is it?"

  
Misaki leans her head around the corner to squint at the clock, and as she does Maya glances at her phone, left open on the counter. Why not just check the time on there? Maybe she needed the coffee more than Maya after all... a thought validated by the chat she's left open, the 'Hello Happy Group Chat' with a cheery banner on top: _You have 300+ new messages._

  
She smiles, but she can't help the prick of sadness behind it. _What if we still talked like that?_

  
"It's 8:30," Misaki calls out, and Maya nearly chokes on her sip of coffee. Shit, when was she due at the studio? Too soon, that's when. She dumps the contents of her cup into a thermos, hoping it's empty, and rushes out of the kitchen towards the door. Misaki gives her a lazy wave as she hustles out the door. "Good luck today, Maya."

  
"Thank you, Misaki," she replies with a tired smile ad a nod, and pulls the door closed behind her. She shouldn't have to bring much with her, it's all provided at the studio, but she does a quick inventory just to be careful. Phone, drink, bag--she checks inside it and the meds are there, phew--and... her old drumsticks.

  
Maybe it's stupid to still lug them around. There'll be more at the studio, and if she keeps playing with these they're sure to break someday, and what's she gonna do then? But it feels less like she's choosing to take them with her, and more that they won't leave their place in her hands. They belong there, just like she belongs behind a drum set, banging out a rock-steady rhythm.

  
Any drum set will do. Yes, even the one in that dirty little studio. She puts the drumsticks into her bag, and starts the walk to the stairs, knowing the elevator is still out.

  
As long as she's making music she's still alive.

* * *

"Yeah, I'm so sorry about the delay... I promise I won't let it happen again, and... yeah... of course, I can be there in 20 minutes. Again, I--" The sharp click on the other end lets Maya know that the call's over, and her shoulders shrug down as she lets out a sigh and moves the phone away from her ear. Should have known she wouldn't make the bus, now she's gonna have to walk it.

  
It's not like she's not used to cardio. Maybe she's a little out of practice, these days, but she's certainly not out of shape. She can make it in 15 if she walks quickly, and then hey! She's not late anymore, she's early. Wonderful.

  
She does her best to take in the surroundings as she walks. It's not every day she gets out of the apartment or the studio, these days. The murky gray of the sky, the chill in the air, and the buzz of people living their lives around her separated by a paper-thin veil... it's sort of comforting when she allows herself to get lost in it.

  
A bus drives past her and sets off a loose grate on the road, and the loud clatter of it nearly makes her jump. She takes a breath, still a bit tense, before moving on. Maybe it's not all comforting.

  
There are eyes on her. She can tell, though they hide it well. It wouldn't be anyone recognizing her from her previous career--that's long faded from the public's memory. But as much as she hates to think of it, she is still a social anomaly. As much as she shaves and medicates and does everything she can to mold herself into a smaller, more acceptable, feminine shape, she's going to draw gazes until the day she dies.

  
Maya would like to think she's stopped caring at this point. That she dresses in jeans and baggy t-shirts and speaks in a voice that's only halfway towards being passable out of some sense of rebellion, perhaps a desire to be a beacon of confidence to other girls like her. But the truth is that she's just so damn tired it doesn't seem to matter anymore.

  
That, or _everything_ matters, and unfortunately for her today so far seems to be the latter.

  
She pulls a pair of old earbuds from her bag shakily and pops them in, plugging the end into her phone and swiping through her saved albums. Music is what she needs. She knows that from experience. Finally, she settles on a choice, and sets it on loop before sliding the phone back into her pocket. She keeps walking as it starts up, hands in her pockets and head firmly looking down.

  
_Countdown, D-Day_  
_I don't want to be late_  
_For countdown_

  
One step in front of the next, steady, like the beat of a drum. Like a marching band. Her heart will fall into the calm rhythm with time, and her mind will follow. Nobody's looking at you now. Nobody cares enough to do that, remember that and it'll be fine.

  
_De-stress_  
_I don't want to make a mess_

  
Hey, it's working. How about that? And she's even still walking in the right direction. Pat yourself on the back, Maya Yamato, you're doing just fine. She allows a bit of a smile to creep onto her face, she stands up a bit straighter.

  
And then she looks up, and her heart stops.

  
On the monitor plastered onto the side of a building across the street, there's a prerecorded interview playing, peppered with advertisements for a new single cd that's out now and available for purchase wherever music is sold.

  
The girl speaking is so familiar, but not at the same time. The platonic ideal of idol-hood. She's wearing the most ridiculous outfit Maya has ever seen--pink to the core, covered in frills and accessories and unnecessary things. That must be so uncomfortable to wear. She knows how uncomfortable it is to wear something like that. She hasn't worn something like that in a long time.

  
If it's so uncomfortable,

  
then why does it hurt her heart so much that she can't wear it anymore?

  
She has to get to the studio or she's going to be late. She has to get to the studio and sit behind a drum set and bang out a boring rhythm and get paid and go home and sleep and wake up and drink shitty instant coffee and do it again or she's going to--to what? What is going to happen? She doesn't know but it won't be good.

  
Maya keeps walking, step by step, beat by beat, because there's nothing else for her to do.

* * *

"You can go ahead whenever you're ready," the voice calls out over an intercom.

  
The drum set is finally in front of her, right where it belongs. Maya grips her drumsticks tight. She knows exactly what they expect from her, the rhythm they need to slot into their library somewhere. All she's gotta do is reproduce it. Easy. She raises her hands up, twirls the drumsticks around, and sends them down the same way she's done a thousand times before.

  
BAM

  
BAMBAM BAMBAM BAMBAM BAM

  
BAMBAMBAM BAM CRASH BAMBAMBAM BAM CRASH BAM BAM BAM BAM--

  
"Yamato, pause," the voice calls out to her. "You're going off-beat. Start again."

  
"Sorry," she calls out, lifting a hand to wipe away a bit of sweat from her brow. Her arms feel weak. Too weak, she's only just started the session, but something feels... it feels wrong. Why isn't she falling into the rhythm like always? She lifts the drumsticks once more and sends them down with a frustrated gusto.

  
BAM

  
BAMBAM BAM BAM BAMBAM BAM--

  
"Yamato!" the intercom buzzes out, and then the door to the studio swings open. The woman on the other side of the voice walks through, arms crossed. "What the hell is this? You're not even close today. This isn't like you."

  
"I'm sorry," she replies once more, quieter. She bows deeply from her seat--as much as the drum set will allow, at least. "I... I'll get it in the next take, I promise. Again, I apologize for wasting your time, ma'am."

  
"It's not--all right. Yamato, please lift your head up." The woman is looking down at her with a gaze that's somehow both frustrated and sympathetic. "I don't mean to be overbearing, it's just that this isn't something I'd normally expect from you. You're one of our most consistent collaborators. If there's something wrong..."

  
"Nothing is wrong," Maya says, so fast that it almost certainly gives off the opposite of the impression she wants it to. She says it again, slower and calmer. "Nothing is wrong. I'll get it to what you need, I promise."

  
"I trust you will." A nod. "Now, are you ready to go again, or would you prefer to take five?"

  
The last thing Maya wants right now is to be alone in a quiet room, without the sound and fury of a drumbeat stabilizing her mind. "I can start again right now. Just let me know when the recording equipment is ready." She does her best to project a confident expression, and hopefully it works.

  
"Understood." The woman retreats back outside Maya's sanctum, and she sighs deeply before adjusting her sweaty grip on the drumsticks. She raises them up high, waiting for the signal to begin.

  
"Go whenever you're ready."

  
Maya raises the drumsticks high, and--

* * *

HOOOOOOOOOONK!

  
The bus shakes and rattles alarmingly as it makes a tight corner. Light curses come back from the front seat, and after a moment the driver's gaze flicks up to the mirror as he addresses his cargo. "Apologies, folks. We'll be back on route in just a moment."

  
Maya does her best to clench the metal bar tightly, stretching her arm over another passenger and hoping she's not taking up too much space. The floor underneath her feels so rickety and unsteady--there's no way this thing has been serviced properly in the last ten years. Gotta have some missing screws here and there.

  
God, it's busy tonight. Guess that's to be expected when work had run so late. She can't blame that on anybody but herself, and the punishment is summarily swift. She gets to stumble and struggle to stay upright in the center of the aisle. Her own personal circle of urban hell. Another tight corner and she can't help but bump into the man standing next to her. She turns to apologize, but is greeted with a glare and a contemptuous noise before she can. She moves back, as far away as she can get, and hopes her stop will be soon.

  
Her mind drifts. What was that in the studio? And even earlier, just the sight of an advertisement sent her into such a bizarre state of mind... what is happening to her these days? She was doing fine, right?

  
Everyone tells her she's doing fine--

  
CLATTER

  
\--gah! Maya jumps a bit at the sound before realizing what it was. That awful grate near the apartment--wait, if that's what that was then she's missed her stop! She stretches up as far as she can to the button and taps it once, twice, three times until the stop sound rings out. She looks out the window to see where she is... ah, she knows that corner store. This is at least three or four blocks past her stop, then. _Fuck._

  
The bus slowly comes to a stop, and the front doors hiss open to let a handful of new half-asleep or half-drunk passengers inside. She squeezes her way through the back to push the rear doors open, slipping through before they quickly close again.

  
Time to get her bearings and start moving before it gets even later. She can't afford to keep waking up late like she did today, and...

  
. _..hey, wait, what is this?_

  
This place wasn't here before. She could swear it wasn't--though, to be fair, she rarely has any cause to go down this way. It could have been here for a couple months at least. Still, it's a shock to see those flags hanging from the balcony, to see the signs plastered out front about current meetups and events... seriously, when did they get an LGBT center anywhere around here?

  
Maya, despite herself, squints to read some of the events listed. They've got a calendar up in the window, and she searches to see if there's anything going on tonight. Purely out of curiosity. Er, it's Tuesday, right? She checks the date on her phone, and it turns out she's only a day or two off. All right. Then tonight, there's... oh. They're holding a trans meetup.

  
_Maybe you should go,_ half of her brain says, and the other half provides the convincing counter-argument of _hell no you would just have a breakdown or something_. It's probably true. Maya spends a few moments contemplating it.

  
Eventually, she walks over to the door. She reaches out to take the handle, steps through to her destination... and the corner store's automatic bell jingles happily as she enters with a sigh.

  
Good, they've got a couple cases of Sapporo. She grabs one and checks out, and the no-nonsense clerk nods as she swipes her card and moves to exit. Stepping out into the night, she casts another glance towards the center.

  
Not tonight. Another night... maybe.

  
The walk back to the apartment is unremarkable. She doesn't have the anxiety of stranger's gazes, it's late enough now that the streets are quite empty. So she keeps the earbuds off. Could use a bit of silence, a relaxed ambiance, just the sounds of distant cars honking and wind whistling through alleyways. The rhythm of the city is an unfamiliar one. She'll get into the swing of it someday, though.

  
She pushes the door to the stairs open with one hand, the case of beer dangling from the other. It's a short climb but still one that takes the wind out of her every time. As she reaches the top, she takes a minute to catch her breath before moving to the apartment door.

  
Knock, knock. No answer whatsoever. All right then, if Misaki is making out with Matsubara on their couch again it's her problem. She pushes the door open to see... huh, nothing. Guess she's out tonight--a guess confirmed by the sticky note attached to the counter. She puts the beer down to pluck it from its place and give it a quick scan.

  
_At Kanon's tonight. Don't wait up. I'll be back later tomorrow._

  
Maya snorts. Get it, Matsubara, she thinks with a grin wavering at the edge of her lips. Solidarity amongst drummers. She tosses the note into the trash... and then she moves it into the recycling. That's her good deed for the day, let's see if karma catches up before or after she's downed a can or two.

  
Why's it so cold? Aw, Misaki left the window open... Maya moves across the room, stepping over a pile of equipment magazines that she should really get around to moving. She stops at the window, and instead of closing it, she sighs and rests her elbows on the sill.

  
It's a hell of a view... all the lights down below from cars and bicycles and people, moving around with their own destinations. Their own motivations. Maya, for a moment, wonders what she'd say hers was if asked. She can't come up with anything that doesn't sound pathetically trite.

  
The air is nice up on the third floor tonight. She decides to poke her head out the window, thinking maybe that'll help clear it. Might as well give it a shot.

  
She leans forward, letting the cool wind flutter her short hair, and then--

  
WHAP!

  
Something slaps into the side of her face, wrapping around her head and cutting off her vision. She reaches up to try and claw it off, stumbling back and tripping over the arm of the couch to fall onto it. Rolling off onto the floor with a muffled shriek, she finally manages to untangle herself from her fabric prison.

  
Maya sits up, breathing heavily, and holds up the perpetrator--oh. Oh my god.

  
Did a rainbow flag really just try to kill her?

  
She stares at it blankly for a moment that stretches out all the way into the horizon and then at the end of it she finds... "Huhe. Huehehehehehahaha!" She can't stop the laughter bubbling up at the back of her throat, in her chest, her stomach. She hasn't--"huhuhehehehe!"--hasn't laughed like this in so long, she almost forgot what it sounded like, what it felt like.

  
She wipes moisture from the edges of her eyes with the back of her hand, a shaky grin still spreading across her face. She must look like a mess right now, and that's okay, because she survived a heinous attack on her life without a scratch to show for it!

  
Maya Yamato, still a survivor.

  
_Fight! Fight! Fight! Never give up!_

  
The smile wipes itself from her face as the song starts to play in her head. Hey, no, that's not... that's not fair. All she did was think that one word. Stop that--

  
_The wind from the rain and snowstorms is blowing_  
_What are you supposed to do on a day like that?_

  
I don't want to--

  
_You have no choice but to go forward some way or another_  
_The life of an idol isn't so sweet_

  
"Shut up!" she cries out, and it echoes through the empty apartment. "Stop it..."

  
_It's fine to cry when you want to cry,_  
_and get mad when you get frustrated_

  
She's balled up the flag in her fists, and she wants to stop but they won't listen. Her heart is off-beat. Her head isn't on straight. She's--

  
_It's harmful to yourself to keep on enduring_  
_If you can't keep on walking, I'll push you on from behind_

  
"Stop!"

  
_Ready, set go!_

  
She stands, breathing hard, and grabs a pillow, slamming it against her head in the same motion. Stop it stop it stop it stop it! I don't want to hear it! Shut the fuck _up!_ Pastel*Palettes is--the group is _gone!_ The very concept of it is dead and buried and long forgotten. And it's fine! She's fine with that because she has to be fine because if she's not--

  
...

  
What will happen? What'll she do if she stops accepting that it's over?

  
...

  
She doesn't know but it won't be good.

  
...

  
......

  
..........

  
Is she calming down?

  
Her breaths seem to be slowing, at least, and the blood is flowing in her fingers again as their grip starts to weaken. And then all the strength leaves her legs at once and she sits down hard on the couch. It creaks under her weight.

  
Something is draped over her knees, and as she bends over to fix her gaze on something stable, she processes that it's the flag.

  
For some unfathomable reason, in her hazy mid-post-breakdown state it's easier to connect the dots. This is the same flag she just saw at the LGBT center down the street. Must've come off its hooks in the wind. It was just luck that she chose that moment to shove her stupid head out the window and catch it with her face.

  
She should bring it back, she thinks, and then appends a clause at the end: she should bring it back when she can walk properly again.

  
For now, the task at hand is to rest and regain her strength. It's a full time occupation. Inhale, exhale. Inhale, pause, exhale. Inhale, pause, exhale. An old-fashioned technique that isn't really working all that well, but if she focuses her mind on it that'll make it easier to come down. She knows this from experience. It's not usually this bad, but it happens. Sometimes, Misaki will be there to help her through it--she's got experience with stuff like this.

  
But sometimes, like tonight, Maya has to take care of herself.

  
She leans back onto the couch cushions, sinking into their softness as she closes her eyes and lets her emotions continue to run their course. The best thing to do here, now that she's coming back up, would be to analyze what just happened. So she can try to stop it from building up inside her until it happens again.

  
But she's just... not up for that tonight. Lotta nights in a row she hasn't been up for it, but she's an adult, she can be as messy with her emotional state as she wants to be. It's her right.

  
Maya looks down at the flag, now entirely draped over her legs and onto the floor. She reaches down to pick it up and fold it into as good of a square as she can. Letting out a long, long exhale, she decides she's gotta get up and bring the thing back. Call it her duty as a certified LGBT resident herself. Or, well, two of those things at least.

  
Good thing she never bothered to take her shoes off.

* * *

For the second time tonight, she stands outside the center wondering how exactly she's gonna do this. The flag is carefully tucked into her bag, and she's done the best she could to smooth it out after the beating it went through. The door's right there. Should she knock, or just go inside...? Her hand hovers indecisively between the wood and the metal doorknob, and she eventually decides it'd be best to knock just in case.

  
Don, don. She lowers her hand slowly and waits, gulping audibly.

  
"Oh, hey, you can come on it!" a faint voice calls to her from inside. Can she really...? Stop overthinking this, dummy. She reaches for the knob and walks inside quickly.

  
It's... not as intimidating as she thought it might be. What was she expecting, something like a hospital waiting room? Was she thinking she'd have to sit patiently until someone came in to diagnose her with being gay? No, it feels more down to earth. Less sterile than that. There are posters from previous events up on the walls, decorations and clutter, flyers piled up on the front desk. A pair of eyes peers to her over them.

  
"Hey! You're a new face. Here for the meetup?" they ask, and she can tell they're smiling even though all she can see is their hair, light brown and tied up from their forehead. "It's already started, but you're free to hop in. I'm sure they'd be happy to say hi."

  
"Ah, no, um..." She fumbles with her bag, and can tell they're getting more confused as it goes on. It's right here, it's just stuck on her drumsticks--"I'm here to bring something back, I think you guys lost it, and it came to me..."

  
"Oh!" the person calls out, eyes widening as she tugs the folded flag from her bag. "That's--it's ours? The one out front? Shit, did it come loose or something?" They stand up and walk around the counter. This person's a bit of a visual enigma, probably intentionally so, wearing mostly androgynous clothing topped off with a leather jacket and some fairly heavy makeup. Maya can't place their gender, but they seem to be roughly the same age as her. "Did you come all the way down here to bring it back? That's seriously nice of you."

  
"Ah, huhehe... it's not any trouble, really..." She scratches the back of her neck and scrambles for words before things start to get awkward. "I don't live that far away and since I'm--uh, you know--I thought it was... my duty, I guess?" When she says it out loud it sounds so stupid, she just wants to crawl behind that old couch in the corner and hide.

  
But they don't seem like the type to snicker at something like that, instead they just nod as she hands the flag over. "Hey, what's your name?"

  
"Maya," Maya says before immediately cursing herself. Most people wouldn't be able to recognize her from her idol days, but with the whole debacle--somebody in the community here might be way more likely to know about it all. She should have used a fake name. Too late now... but thankfully all she gets in response is a nod.

  
"Natsuki, they/them." They give her a friendly nod and a hint of a smile as Maya gawks. "She/her for you, or something else?"

  
"No, that's good," she responds faintly. Wow, a trans person in a place meant for people like them. What a shocker. But it's not every day she meets somebody that's like her, and it's a bit of an adrenaline rush. Thankfully they look like they've seen faces like hers before, and they give her a welcoming grin.

  
"You sure you don't wanna drop in for a minute just to say hi? No pressure, but I think you'd fit in well. Call it a hunch."

  
"I can't..." she starts, but a soft voice in the back of her mind pushes back. How do you know unless you try it out? it tells her, and despite herself she wants to listen. "...are you sure it'd be fine to drop in out of the blue like this? I don't want to hijack the whole thing if there's a conversation going on..."

  
"Oh, they're probably just talking about anime or something, you're not gonna interrupt anything." Natsuki waves a palm dismissively. "It's called a trans meetup but it's not like we're only ever gonna talk about gender stuff. Once the group gets going the conversation can go anywhere. It's fun chatting when you don't have to worry about things like that, you know?"

  
"Then why aren't you in there?" she asks, only realizing how incredibly rude that sounds after it's out of her mouth. The reply is a shrug and a careless smile.

  
"Somebody's gotta watch the front counter in case a lost kitten comes around." They slap a hand to their mouth, looking mortified at their own words. "Oh, crap, is she starting to rub off on me? Sorry, that was weird."

  
Maya can't help giggling at their obvious embarrassment. "Ah, huhehehe, don't worry about it. I knew somebody from school who talked like that all the time."

  
"If they were anything like the one we have here... I'm so sorry." Natsuki giggles with her, and suddenly Maya realizes how comfortable she really feels right now. It's possible for her to make friends with people like her. Maybe even easy. So what's stopping her from taking that next step? Why shouldn't she say hi?

  
"Where..." she starts, stops, restarts herself again. "Where's the meetup happening?"

  
Natsuki points to a door at the back of the room. There's a window on it, but it's opaque, so all Maya can tell is that the light is on inside the other room. Everything beyond that is a mystery. "Over there. No pressure, really, but I think you should check it out."

  
She stands up, nodding. "T-Thank you, Natsuki. I... appreciate it."

  
"I should be the one saying that!" They hold up the flag triumphantly. "You're the valiant hero who returned to us our precious pride! Three cheers for Maya, says I!"

  
Maya giggles as they pump their fist in celebration of her, and turns her gaze to the door. All right. It's fine, it's fine, she can just poke her head in and say hi and if it doesn't work out she can leave. Nobody will be upset at her. Worst case scenario she knows at least one person in this place now, and Natsuki can bail her out.

  
She moves for the door, and--

  
\--and all she can think about is that day in the practice room, the day she went to her friends and spilled her entire heart onto the newly polished floor for everyone to see, and they all saw, and then not long after everyone in the world saw that breakout idol Maya Yamato was a filthy--

  
Inhale. Pause. Exhale. Inhale Pause Exhale. InhalePauseExhale. It's all right, it's fine, nobody you know is going to be on the other side of that door, it's fine, please believe that it's fine. Inhale. Pause. Exhale. Don't have a breakdown in front of the friend you made five minutes ago. Don't even start with that anxiety laugh. These are instructions so easy even she can follow them, and she does.

  
_It's fine._ Inhale.

  
_You're all right._ Pause.

  
_It's going to be fine._ Exhale.

  
It's really not much, but as she continues, it does its job. Eventually the anxiety is at a manageable level, something she can wrangle on her own time. For now she needs to just forget it and get moving before they think she's planted roots in the lobby.

  
She opens the door. Takes a single shaky step through it. And then she takes in what she's looking at and stops dead in her tracks, right there halfway through the threshold. Maya's mouth drops open, and before her brain can stop her, she's yelling nearly at the top of her lungs to the one person she never would have expected to meet like this--

  
"Kaoru!?"


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _🎵 You've got me on my back and now I've gotta think fast_   
>  _You're hiding in the background but you wanna be found 🎵_

Two days since that night at the center, and Maya still doesn't feel quite put together.

  
The memory of it continues to invade her waking hours, it throws her emotions around like a hacky sack. She's sure she looked like a zombie at work yesterday. So much happened after she walked through that door, and she'd like to continue analyzing it, honestly, but... her legs are starting to hurt too much to think about it.

  
Why's the line so long, anyway?

  
They can't all be here just for Kaoru. She's probably the biggest name on the bill but, no offense to her old friend, that's not saying a whole lot right now. True, the show they're putting on has been pretty high profile online these days, but not exactly for the best reasons. Still, publicity is publicity, maybe they just wanted to see it for themselves.

  
She can't blame them too much for it. Her reasons for being here aren't the purest, either--she only came on Kaoru's insistence, after she slipped the ticket into Maya's hand and impored her to come.

  
Whatever the reason for it, it's sure as hell not making Maya feel any less anxious. The crush of people and their phones and their noise, it's too much. She gulps. She already decided to ride it out, she can't back out of this. It's just a play. She hasn't seen a play in far too long.

  
It's nostalgic. Almost heart-crushingly so. The names up in lights out front of the venue, the posters on the wall along the length of the line... it all reminds her of her school days in the drama club, where they did their best to replicate all of this. They really did their best back then. No matter the result, the effort was worth it.

  
And Kaoru was there, then, too...

  
Some part of her assumed Kaoru would be here to greet her or something. Of course not--she's gotta be incredibly busy right now. She's probably got ten people running around her backstage trying to get her prepared for the opening. Maya snorts. That was always the most difficult part of it all, trying to wrangle their actresses and keep them in check. She's glad she isn't one of those people right now... but she can't deny she misses the hustle and bustle of it in some ways.

  
It made her feel needed, necessary. A feeling that was--she can't help but say it, it fits the sentence, shut up--all too fleeting these days. She paid her half of the rent, so in some ways Misaki depended on her, but her roommate was always liable to run off and move in with Matsubara, so...

  
Ahh, don't think about it that way! Be happy for your friend's weird unofficial relationship! She slaps her cheeks, drawing a couple odd gazes, but it works. Her cold hands only help the effect. Now all she can think about is how much she should have brought a pair of gloves.

  
...Does she own a pair of gloves? She should buy some. Not that there's much of a rush, though, it's supposed to start getting warmer soon.

  
There's a polite yet annoyed cough from behind her, and Maya's gaze flicks up to see the gap between her and the person before her growing by the moment. Ah, the line's moving! She mutters a quick apology to the person behind her and follows the flow, shuffling along the concrete with everyone else.

  
She's close enough to read the sign easily now, and she decides to pull out her phone and snap a quick picture. Maybe she'll send it to Misaki later, or... hey, even Natsuki, she has their number now. Making friends is weird. She's still rusty at it.

  
The sign is bright enough that the picture comes out blurry, but it's clear enough to be understandable. It doesn't have to be a masterpiece. She just wants to save the memory. Opening up her chat with Misaki and creating another with Natsuki, she sends the photo off to both of them.

  
Natuski's reply is unsurprisingly quick. _Yo, you went! Proud of you, Maya. Have fun._

  
Misaki's takes a bit longer, and since she doesn't have the context Natuski does, it's a bit less congratulatory and a bit more confused. _maya what the fuck where even are you_

  
"Huhehehe..." she giggles as she reads it, and does her best to figure out a good response. Shouldn't Misaki know what play Kaoru is in right now? Though, to be fair, it could have easily gotten lost in the deluge of their chat. She taps out the words one by one. _A friend said I should come._ She sends it, hoping Misaki will put the pieces together.

  
For now, she'll take another glance up at the sign.

  
TWO NIGHTS ONLY  
A NEW PRODUCTION OF ANDREW LLOYD WEBBER'S CATS

  
This should be an experience, she thinks as a small smile spreads, and her mind drifts back to the other night at the center. On how she ended up here at all.

* * *

"Kaoru!?"

  
Her shocked cry echoes through the spacious back room, sending every head turning her way and every pair of eyes onto her. But for once she doesn't have it in her to notice or feel anything about that. Because sitting in front of her, left of center in the circle and a head taller than anyone else here, is someone she thought she'd never see again.

  
Wide crimson eyes blink one, twice. "Is that... Maya, is that you?" Kaoru stands to her full height and continues to stare. "I didn't... do you live around here now, Maya? I confess I wasn't aware in the slightest..."

  
Well, that's sort of the idea, after all. She asked Misaki specifically to not mention her identity, just to refer to her as an anonymous roommate, so it shouldn't be surprising that Kaoru is as shocked as she is to find out this is the corner of the city Maya slunk off to after... everything that happened. But, hey, the real question isn't that. "Why're you here?" she asks dumbfoundedly instead of answering Kaoru.

  
Kaoru gapes for a moment. And then they both realize that they're standing in the middle of a meetup in progress that's been abruptly put on pause by their awkward reunion.

  
"Ah, my apologies, friends. I'll be leaving a bit early tonight." Kaoru gives a sweeping bow, and Maya notices at least one girl near the back clasp her hands together in response. "It's been wonderful conversing with all of you." She stands back up, and as she moves to exit the room she gently takes Maya's hand as she stands frozen in place. The contact snaps her out of it her haze, and she follows as she's lightly pulled along.

  
Kaoru... She looks up to the woman's face, taking in the ways she's changed over the years. Her hair is the same, the way she dresses is more or less the same, but her features are different now. She's handsome... Well, she always was, but now that she's older she's changed--more pronounced cheekbones, a different sort of look in her eyes. Kaoru Seta is mature. What kind of world is this, she wonders as her head spins.

  
"Hey, whoa, Kaoru!" Natsuki cries out as they move past the front desk. "I know how flirty you can be but you've never taken a girl home like this, it's not really--"

  
"Ah, no, no," Kaoru interrupts, "me and Maya here are..." She stops. And then she looks down to Maya blankly, as if she'll have the right adjective to slot into that sentence. What is she supposed to say? Friends? Acquaintances? Childhood chums? Fellow theater buffs?

  
"We know each other," she lands on instead of trying to fit something in where it may not belong. "It's all right, Natsuki."

  
"Ah... ah, okay, that's good." They blink, then nod. "Hey, if you'd like you're welcome to go take the other meeting room to talk in private? No need to run out in the cold, it's gotta be bad out there this late." They gesture to a smaller door, to the left of the room they've just left, and Kaoru looks at it like she's never seen it before.

  
"Is that all right?" she asks Maya quietly, and the only thing she can do in response is nod. Kaoru looks down and seems to realize she's still clasping her hand, and abruptly lets go. Maya wiggles her fingers and finds she misses the tactile distraction of it.

  
"Well, um..." Maya stares at her old friend and moves to hold her hands together, entwining her fingers so tightly it aches. "...let's go get caught up, then, huh?"

  
Kaoru gives her a soft smile. Softer than she deserves. "I'd like that quite a bit, Maya."

* * *

Her seat is alarmingly close to the stage, she realizes as she scans the venue with wide eyes. Kaoru's playing in a place like this? It shouldn't be as surprising as it is, she's always been a good actress and a hard worker, but this is... a hell of a lot grander than their old school auditorium, with its rickety stage and ancient, faltering electrical system.

  
She spent so many hours trying to get her lights to work there, to make sure nothing collapsed under the weight of the cast and crew. Maya smiles even as her heart aches at the memory. That sort of struggle is a distant afterthought here.

  
The ceiling is raised high, with swirling designs engraved into it that are barely visible from the intentionally dim light cast by gaudy chandeliers. There's room enough for a small army squeeze in to watch the goings-on, if you counted the balconies on either side of the hall. The stage itself wasn't as big as it could have been and felt a bit dwarfed by its surroundings--perhaps they were worried it'd be harder to draw attention to the action if the space around the actors was too open?

  
She takes a playbill and starts her walk down the aisle to the front. Flipping through it tentatively, but curiously all the same, she finds not a lot of interest within. She's seen the play before, obviously, and wasn't a huge fan. I mean, they couldn't come close to the level of cuteness real cats achieved, so why bother? It was overrated in her opinion.

  
Why's she here if not for the play, then?

  
She reads more of the playbill but the words float right through her head like background music. _Music by Andrew Lloyd Webber based on blah blah blah by blah blah starring the talents of blah blah Kaoru Seta and blah..._

  
Folding it up and shoving it into her pocket, she moves to take her seat, carefully moving past the few folks who showed up early. She sits down with a sigh and stretches her legs. Standing in line for so long took a lot out of her, huh... her stamina's taken a bit of a hit.

  
Makes sense, the last time she was really consistently active was when she practiced for--

  
Sharp intake of breath. Whoa there. Toss that whole thought out. Nope, not right now, she's here to see awful cat-people gyrate on stage, not have another weird breakdown like the other night. Reschedule it for later. Inhale, pause, exhale... Alright. She unclenches her hands. Alright alright we're good.

  
She looks up, blinks at the sight that greets her, and realizes that the show started while she wasn't looking.

  
The piano and the trumpets start up in the back--a winding, twisting, unsettling tune, it feels like driving in a shaky cart down an alleyway that gets darker with every rattling mile, growing under the skin and priming itself to blow--and then it does, with a raucous explosion of joyous noise that makes her jump in her seat. An embarrassed blush tickles her face, and she hopes nobody saw. She wasn't this close to it last time...

  
It reaches its crescendo and then stops dead. A single voice rings out clearly, projecting a question to the audience: _Are you blind when you're born?_

  
Another joins in, posing an equally important question: _Can you see in the dark?_

  
More, and more, and more of them, and hey, Maya's starting to get into the groove of it:

  
_Can you look at a king? Would you sit on his throne?_  
_Can you say of your bite that it's worse than your bark?_  
_Are you cock of the walk when you're walking alone?_

  
All voices come together for the chorus.

  
_Because Jellicles are and Jellicles do_  
_Jellicles do and Jellicles would_  
_Jellicles would and Jellicles can_  
_Jellicles can and Jellicles do!_

  
Maya stifles a giggle as she finds herself swaying to the rhythm. It's such a simple, stupid song. But it's fun. She hasn't had fun like this in a while. She's swept up into the frantic movement of the actors, in their heavy makeup and ridiculous costumes, as they celebrate their unholy existence. More questions are posed but it doesn't matter, they're just an excuse to get back into that chorus.

  
_Because Jellicles can and Jellicles do_  
_Jellicles do and Jellicles can_  
_Jellicles can and Jellicles do!_

  
The energy keeps up even as the lyrics turn to ominous whispers, and then to something else entirely--the Jellicle cats are coming out tonight. A nigh-endless parade of cats, one by one with their own song and dance, introducing the captive audience to their increasingly insane themes and quirks.

  
She's getting too into it, really, for something so silly. She's seen all this before. But it's a play, and at this point that alone is such a novel experience that she can't help but have some fun with it.

  
Absentmindedly, she begins to assign cats to people she knows in the back of her mind, and lets out a chuckle as she thinks about it.

  
Misaki was... Jennyanydots? It didn't fit all that well but she liked the thought of it, and she did spend a lot of time trying to tame people she claimed were pests. And Kaoru, hmm, outwardly she could be Rum Tum Tugger, but in her opinion she was probably a little closer to her actual role in this performance: Gus, the Theatre Cat.

  
Who next... ah, Chisato had to be Skimbleshanks, with her way of calmly keeping everyone in line, and Hina was a certified Mungojerrie if she'd ever seen one. Heheh, she'd get such a kick out of hearing that... She turns to the seat beside her. "Hey, Hin--"

  
There's nobody there.

  
Why'd she think there was someone there?

  
_Moonlight, turn your face to the moonlight,_ yowls the cat on stage. She doesn't bother to try and remember who it is.

  
_Let your memory lead you_  
_Open up, enter in_  
_If you find there the meaning of what happiness is..._

  
Maya feels her heart drop down, down, down into her stomach as the somber song goes on. This isn't--she doesn't want to hear something like this, not right now, she doesn't want to get sad to the tune of fucking Cats of all things--

  
_Then a new life will begin._

  
But she doesn't want one! She wants...

  
...

  
...what does she want?

  
...

  
_His coat's very shabby_  
_He's thin as a rake._

  
Ah, stop it! Feel things later, Kaoru's big song is already starting up. Just clench your heart closed and watch and listen. That's what being a good friend is. She owes this to Kaoru, at the very least, after... the way their reunion went.

* * *

How do you talk to someone you haven't seen in what feels like a lifetime?

  
Maya doesn't have any experience with this. She's used to leaving people behind, not finding them again. So she finds herself utterly lost for words as Kaoru looks to her expectantly, not wanting to interrupt her words... but she doesn't have any words. Ugh... she should at least say hi. But she already sort of did! So--

  
"You look good, Maya," Kaoru says into the still air softly. She smiles down at her. "I hope that life is treating you well."

  
Oh, that's not fucking fair.

  
Just a few words and so much, so much is flowing back into her and filling her up. The first time she met Kaoru, so awkward and anxious, and the way Kaoru immediately put her at least and coaxed her into talking about the little things she took care of for drama club that nobody cared about before her. They spent so much time in each other's company back then, it's clearer in the rear view.

  
Half a life spent with this girl, and now she can barely speak a word to her.

  
"I'm okay," she mumbles out, and stops once again. Ahhh, Kaoru's just staring at her, she needs to--"...huhehehe..."--to NOT DO THAT, Jesus Christ, no! She shoves her anxiety down as far as she can reach, and the nervous giggle with it.

  
Kaoru mercifully doesn't comment on what just happened. "I'm glad to hear it, my kitten," she says instead. It's comforting, in a way, how she still says things like that without a hint of shame. "I hope it's not improper to say, but to be completely honest... I've been quite concerned about you ever since the last time we spoke." She raises a hand to her forehead. "I... did hear about what happened, and--"

  
"I said I'm okay!" she replies quickly, and it comes out a hundred times harsher than it should. Maya backtracks as she beats herself up once more. "Er, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to snap at you..."

  
"Maya." She doesn't look hurt. Maya looks into her eyes and sees nothing but a well of concern. "I know you. I know it's been quite a while, but I know what Maya Yamato looks like when she is 'okay', and though it may not be my place to say so, I don't believe that's what I'm looking at right now."

  
"It's..." she can't respond. She can't say anything at all, except the very first thing that springs up from her unguarded mind to her lips. "I didn't know you were trans."

  
Kaoru does look a bit surprised at that. She blinks, staring down at Maya, who by now is wishing she could sink through the carpet into the floor and down into the planet's molten core. Burn her up, turn her into ashhhhhhh, oh my god stop her from saying a word more... Kaoru interrupts her spiral. "Ah, I suppose I never did tell you back in our school days... to be fair, I didn't know you were--er--of that, um, persuasion as well, so..."

  
"Ah! Yeah... I guess I never said anything to you either, so you couldn't have been expected to know..." And then the realization sinks in like a cold stone forcing its way down her throat. "You... must've found out back then with everybody else, huh?"

  
A nod. Thankfully, Kaoru doesn't try to sugarcoat it, but it's still a bitter pill. "Now, Maya, even if I wasn't a trans woman myself, you know I would have supported you wholeheartedly."

  
"That's not--" she tries to say. She swallows and continues at a more reasonable pace, a normal tone for a conversation with a friend.

  
"That's not what it was... about. I just... I didn't want any to have to deal with the publicity of it, with everything that was happening, it was... it was overwhelming, so, you know, I just ran." The nervous giggle is back and this time she doesn't have the energy to stop it. "I--huhehehe--I ran from you and everybody, the whole band, I never even said goodbye... I'm..."

  
Maya looks down at the floor and feels a gentle impact as a tear hits the top of her shoe.

  
"I'm the worst, aren't I?" she spits out. Kaoru looks like she wants to disagree, and Maya absolutely will not let her. "It's okay for you to think it too. I abandoned you and everybody. I'm... a bad friend, bandmate, all that, you know it's true, Kaoru. I'm so sorry..."

  
"I know?" Kaoru says, and something in the tone of it makes Maya look up. Her tears draw thin lines down her cheeks, and she does her best to roughly wipe them away. "Maya. Look at me, and I'll tell you what I know."

  
She doesn't have any other option. Kaoru's eyes are so warm. She smiles gently as she speaks the words, and they nestle themselves into her heart one by one. "I know my dear friend was put through something unbearable. And I know I'm a lucky woman to be able to speak with her again."

  
"Kaoru..." Maya manages to say before can't stop herself from stumbling forward.

  
Her friend lets out a surprised sound as she crashes into her, burying her face in her shoulder and surely staining her shirt as she lets out a heaving sob. After a moment, long arms wrap around her from behind to secure her in place, and Maya chokes out the only thing she can think to say. "Every day it gets harder..." She doesn't know how true the words are until they leave her body.

  
Kaoru doesn't reply, and Maya's grateful beyond words for that. All she needs right now is the calm, the stillness of the empty room, and the pressure of the other woman's hand as it slowly rubs her back. She lets out another shuddering sob and Kaoru holds her stable through it.

  
How long has she needed this for?

  
How did she never notice that she was this close to the brink, ready to fall any moment?

  
...

  
She's glad it's Kaoru.

  
...

  
......

  
...The well must run dry eventually.

  
Maya takes a careful step back away as her friend's arms untangle from behind her, and she feels an unfamiliar lightness in herself as she does. Was she carrying the weight of that all this time? It's not gone, not by a long shot, but she's adjusted the load. It's easier to carry now.

  
"Are you all right?" Kaoru asks, reaching over to brush a messy bit of hair out of her face. "If you're tired, I'd be glad to rest with you as long as you need, kitten."

  
She shakes her head negatively, and then considers it again and slowly nods. "Mmhmm. If you don't mind..." Kaoru squeezes her shoulder, and leads her over to a couch on the other side of the meeting room. She sits down and Kaoru gracefully takes a place beside her, crossing one long leg over the other.

  
Kaoru doesn't say anything at all, and Maya is endlessly grateful for it. She didn't realize just how much she missed the other woman until tonight. Something about her presence was... so soothing. Physically a stick figure, emotionally a pillar Maya felt comfortable leaning on. 

  
... Maybe she can lean a little more. Kaoru's already seen the worst of it, after all. "Kaoru?"

  
"Yes, Maya?"

  
"I..." She slouches down into the cushions, stares into the plain whiteness of the opposing wall. "Thank you. I really, really appreciate it. I didn't... I didn't realize how much of that I was holding in."

  
"Think nothing of it. After all, surely we all must have our own burdens to bear. And you are my friend, Maya. I'll gladly take on a part of yours." Kaoru looks down at her with an emotion she can't quite place, and she can't take her gaze off the other woman. And then the mood is dashed into nothingness as Kaoru raises a hand dramatically. "After all, as the Bard says, a friend should bear his friend’s infirmities. It is but that."

  
"Kaoru... er, I don't think that's..." Maya starts to respond, but then an unstoppable tide is upon her, and she simply can't stop it from flooding through her throat and out between her teeth--"ah, huehehehehehehe!" This isn't nervous laughter, it's genuine, true. It's enough to make her stomach ache, it brings new tears back to her eyes. 

  
And then Kaoru is laughing with her, and their laughs mix together to fill the room with a wonderful melody. A sound she hasn't heard since they were teens. It's tinted with something new.

  
She likes this sound. She didn't know how much she had missed it.

  
Maya wipes her eyes as her breathing finally stabilizes, and she shuffles a bit closer to Kaoru on the couch. "Ahhh... god, I'm sorry, Kaoru, I don't know why I'm such a mess lately... it feels like I'm either crying or laughing, no in between."

  
"Well, I must say I prefer the latter, but don't be afraid to show either side in front of me, Maya. Please." Kaoru smiles at her, and she can't help but shakily smile in return.

  
"I missed you a lot, Kaoru. So much."

  
"And I you."

* * *

_He loves to regale them if someone else pays_  
_With anecdotes drawn from his palmiest days._

  
The song continues on and on, the singer spinning the extended tale of Gus (who was really named Asparagus), and Maya's starting to get a bit antsy. Kaoru's still not onstage, and she knows the other woman has a habit of ad-libbing as she pleases, so she half-expects something weird to happen when she shows up...

  
She gulps. The cat continues.

  
_But his grandest creation as he loves to tell_  
_Was Firefrorefiddle, the Fiend of the Fell._

  
And enter stage left, there she is. Holy shit. Maya's eyes go wide at the makeup she's got caked over her face, the ears, the tail, the gloriously furred bodysuit... Kaoru has always thrown herself entirely into her roles, no matter what they were, but she's never seen her quite like this. She really is prancing around the stage as an old coot of a cat for everyone to see, and she looks absolutely ecstatic about it.

  
_"I have played, in my time, every possible part,"_ she sings slowly, moving with a practiced limp. _"And I used to know seventy speeches by heart."_

  
Kaoru is near-perfect for the role. Her voice is low and hushed, but manages to hold a quiet quality of latent strength within it--Gus, in his heyday, was a sight to behold on stage, and Kaoru is that today. With her steady tone, she grips the audience in her hand from the very first line.

  
_"With an hour of rehearsal_  
_I never could fail_  
_I'd a voice that would soften the hardest of hearts_  
_Whether I took the lead or in character parts."_

  
Her tale goes on, and Maya hangs off her every word. She didn't pay much attention to the song last time, to be honest, but there's something about the way Kaoru embodies the role that makes her want to never look away. It's enrapturing. The way she throws herself into things like this headlong, Maya admires it beyond words.

  
She feels a smile spread wider and wider as she watches Kaoru move about, throwing her voice more and more, further and further, expanding to fill the theater hall like a wave. She's not the headliner tonight, but she may as well be the star.

  
_"And I once played Growltiger,"_ she finally sings out, and then--

  
\--and then she pauses mid-line and looks directly at Maya, making eye contact for so much longer than she should. To the point that the other actors seem confused and follow her gaze. Ah. What. What!? Kaoru what are you doing oh my god!? She slides down into her seat, absolutely mortified, but then Kaoru continues. She's not singing to the hall anymore. She's saying this directly to her.

  
_"Could do it again,"_ she sings to Maya, _"Could do it again. Could do it again..._

  
Oh my god.

  
Did she--did Kaoru hijack the entire play just to sing her that one line? She could just--she could have just said it to her alone, she didn't have to do that. She didn't. She really, really, didn't but the more Maya thinks about it, wide eyes watching as Kaoru exits and is replaced with an actor playing the roguish Growltiger, the more her heart aches.

  
It's just like Kaoru, isn't it? It's so like her that it hurts. Of course she'd pull a stunt like that just to get Maya to hear her words of encouragement. She'd do that and more for a friend. She'd go to the ends of the Earth for Maya, if asked, even though they'd only just reunited.

  
Maya feels a sad, sweet, bashful smile spread. Kaoru did that just for her, just because she knew how she felt...

* * *

Not long has passed since their heartfelt exchange, but it feels like centuries have come and gone. Her and Kaoru are still there on that same couch, she has to remind herself, ground herself. She's so exhausted from the heights and lows of the conversation that she doesn't even have it in her to falter when Kaoru turns and gently poses the question hanging in the air.

  
"You miss them, don't you?"

  
"More than I can even say," Maya replies quietly, and it feels like the entire world shifts under her feet when she says it out loud. "Kaoru, I... I miss everyone so much..." With each word a little more of her foundation crumbles, and she hurtles forward like a runaway train. "I--I want to talk to them again, I want..." She feels the drumsticks in her bag, an undeniable weight. "I want to, but--"

  
Don, don, don.

  
Her lips snap shut as the door creaks open slightly and a familar face peeks through, an apologetic expression on their face. "Well, you two seem like you're having a good time," Natsuki says with a wry grin. "Could hear you laughing all the way in the lobby earlier."

  
"We've just been reminiscing on old times," Kaoru replies, and when Maya thinks about it that's sort of true in a way. "Is there something you needed to tell us, kitten?"

  
Natsuki's face screws up at the word, but they're clearly used to Kaoru's ways by now. "Yeah, uh, sorry to be the bearer of bad news but we've really gotta close up shop for the night..." They scratch the back of their neck and look away. "Er, well, to be honest we should've closed like an hour ago but I didn't wanna disturb you two."

  
"Ah, I'm sorry to hold you up!" Maya exclaims, embarrassed. She's just causing problems for everybody tonight, isn't she? She starts to wilt, but then Kaoru rests her palm on the back of her hand, and she can't focus on anything but that pressure.

  
"Thank you for giving us the extra time, Natsuki, you're quite kind." Kaoru gives them a serious nod, and Maya can't help but notice the way their cheeks light up at the sweet words. Kaoru's charms could pierce any barrier... if they could harness her power, they could probably conquer the world. She snorts at the thought of it.

  
She moves to stand, to leave, but Kaoru... holds her hand tighter. Maya looks at her confusedly. What's she doing? Haven't they got to leave? But instead of moving with her, Kaoru continues to look at Natsuki instead.

  
"Natsuki. I'm not at liberty to divulge the specifics, of course, but there's something we were discussing that I believe you would be able to greatly aid us with." Maya looks at her with wide eyes, but Kaoru doesn't meet her gaze, only gives her hand a quick squeeze.

  
Natsuki blinks in response. "Huh? I mean, I'm happy to help if I can, but what's up?"

  
"There's a story you've told before, in previous meetups. About yourself and your old band." Just the word band makes Maya's heart start to pump faster, and she can feel her body heating up. Hey, hey, Kaoru, stop, you don't have to do this--"I was wondering if you would tell it, and perhaps answer any questions our Maya may have? Only if you're comfortable. I believe you could be a great help."

  
"Ah... you mean the stuff that happened with CHiSPA?" They're starting to get it, seemingly, and Maya wishes she felt the same way. She doesn't know what's going on at all. Only that an old friend and a new one are both looking at her with sympathy in their eyes.

  
"Back in the day," Natsuki starts as they sit on the other end of the couch, a faraway look entering their gaze as they stare at the wall and toss one leg up onto the table, "I was in a band named CHiSPA. Don't feel bad if you've never heard of us," they chuckle as Maya gives them a worried look, "to be honest we were kinda shit. We were all dumb kids. Me, Mayu, Fumika, and... Saaya. Our first drummer."

  
"First?" Maya asks, noticing the importance Natsuki places on the final name. They give her a weary smile in return.

  
"Yeah. We ended up with another for a while, her name was Satomi, but to be honest we were only doin' it for the fun of it. We didn't last that long as a band." They lean back and put their arms up comfortably, closing their eyes. "As friends we're still doing pretty good though, heh."

  
She can feel Kaoru's presence behind her as she asks the question she knows Natsuki is waiting for. "What... happened with Saaya?"

  
Natsuki replies without opening their eyes. "She left."

* * *

The play barrels on as Maya goes over the memory, an ensemble of cats onstage singing backup as the Magical Mister Mistoffelees cries out his own endless praises. The sound of it washes over her like a blanket. She could hide in this crowd forever, as long as the music kept playing.

  
And then she hears something else--a commotion starting up to the left, all the way down her row. She looks over, curious, and cranes her head to see... oh my god.

  
Kaoru, mercifully, has at least taken off the wig and bodysuit, but the makeup remains. She slinks down the aisle towards Maya unbothered by the stares and calls she gets from the audience. Maya shrinks down into her seat as the woman arrives and looks down to her. The row behind her cries out in frustration as their view of the stage is obstructed.

  
"What did you think of the performance, my kitten?" she asks, beaming with pride and some sweat. She looks absolutely ridiculous. Maya can't help but think, in the back of her head, that the expression looks good on her. But she'd look better without the makeup.

  
"Kaoru," she stammers out, "I--I liked it, but what are you doing here!?"

  
"I snuck away," Kaoru the Theatre Cat says without a hint of shame. "Don't worry, I wasn't set for any more appearances beyond the ensemble at the end, and I'll make it back in time for that."

  
"But why come at all?" Maya stares, and after a moment she realizes she's gonna have to reach out and tug on Kaoru's hand to get her to sit down out and get out of the way. Mercifully the seat next to her is empty, and Kaoru takes it without argument. She doesn't let go of Maya's hand.

  
Kaoru turns and looks at her with some sort of expectation in her eyes as the crowd cheers for the Original Conjuring Cat. "I wanted to make sure I was here for the next song. Please listen to it all the way through, and don't mind me, Maya. It's my favorite of the whole show. I only wish I could have sung it for you myself."

  
The music begins, shifting gears and turning into something quite different. Slower. More heartfelt.

  
_Midnight_  
_Not a sound from the pavement._  
_Has the moon lost her memory?_  
_She is smiling alone._

  
Maya turns her eyes to the stage as the actress croons out her opening line, and is transfixed by the scene she sees before her.

  
The stage is near-empty. All the lights have converged, all the wild and frantic movement has ceased. All that's left is one, lonely cat, a shabby mess in a frayed coat. Tears stain her cheeks as she bares her soul to the world in a reprise of the same song from earlier.

  
_I remember the time I knew what happiness was_  
_Let the memory live again._

  
She looks absolutely ridiculous. The whole thing is ridiculous, a laughable attempt at pathos but for reasons Maya doesn't understand she cannot look away. All that her mind can focus on is the rise of the song and the memory of the words she heard the other night.

  
"She left," Natsuki had said, "and she didn't tell us why. It was personal stuff, we found that out later, but at the time she didn't explain anything. She just disappeared and left us in the lurch. It--I mean, I hate to say it, but it hurt, you know?"

  
_Daylight_  
_I must wait for the sunrise..._

  
"What... happened with her? Did you ever see her again?"

  
"Yeah. Yeah, it took a while, but we reconnected eventually. She got to explain herself and everything. It was... real emotional." A bittersweet smile. "Something that's stuck with me, you know?"

  
_I must think of a new life_  
_And I mustn't give in._

  
"What did you do when she came back?"

  
_When the dawn comes, tonight will be a memory too..._

  
"What did we do?"

  
_And a new day will begin._

  
A smile, no longer bittersweet. "She was our friend. What could we do but embrace her?"

  
As the songs hits its crescendo, Maya doesn't shed a single tear. She's not listening to the lyrics anymore, she can't. All she can do is close her eyes tight. All she can do is squeeze Kaoru's hand in hers, tight, as tight as she can. She knows she can't hurt her.

  
"Kaoru," she whispers, "I'm gonna find them. That's what I need to do, right? I have to--I have to talk to them all again. I have to apologize..."

  
A thumb rubs comfortingly over her palm. The sensation of it sends a new wave of warmth through her chest, and in that moment she can feel something inside her slot perfectly into place. For once, Maya is exactly where she needs to be. Feeling exactly what she needs to feel. "If that's what you think is right, then I'm behind you, my kitten."

  
_Look, a new day has begun,_ the cat cries out, and then the song is over, and all that's left is to ascend ever higher to her new life in the Heaviside Layer. _Up, up, up, past the Russell Hotel..._ She rises into the air, weightless, as the sky opens up to welcome her.

  
It won't be that easy for Maya.

  
She smiles wearily at the thought, and looks down and lets out a long, tired breath. But with Kaoru, with Misaki and Natsuki, with her friends and her own newfound conviction... maybe seeing her bandmates again isn't a dream that needs to be crushed and hidden deep down anymore.

  
Maybe she really can do it again.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _🎵 Running through the fields  
>  Chasing down the ones you think you need  
> Throwing off the chains, cursing years in vain 🎵 ___

Nobody ever--"grrrrhhh"--told her--"hrrrrUGH"--moving a coffee table five feet to the left would be this hard.

  
"Whoof!" Maya breathes out. She lets her grasp on the edge slip and steps back from her project feeling like a modern-day Sisyphus face to face with her own personal boulder. Flopping down onto the couch, she sighs. She used to move all sorts of drum sets and amps and such back in the day. To be fair, though, she's been scrambling around the apartment since the crack of dawn, so maybe that's part of it.

  
Her gaze floats over the furniture and clutter that still coats the place and she groans. It was like it was camouflaged before or something. She truly didn't notice or care how messy the apartment was until she had a reason to. The magazines, stacks of unopened mail, no less than ten disposable coffee cups stacked in the corner--which one of them took the time to _stack_ them but couldn't be bothered to toss them in the recycling?

  
"Yo, you sure you don't want any help?" her roommate calls out from the other room. Maya can hear the clacking of her old keyboard from here, starting and stopping like a car with a flat tire. "I can put this on hold, you know..."

  
"No, it's fine!" she calls back, realizing just how out of breath she is as soon as she tries to talk. "She's gonna be here soon, you're gonna wanna say hi and stuff, right? You should take care of it now."

  
An elongated pause. "Eh, sure, I guess I'll say hi."

  
Maya squints in the general direction of Misaki, never mind the fact that she's on the other side of the wall to her room. What's a good surrogate--oh, she left one of her old felt dolls on the counter. A fluffy little grizzly bear. Maya glares into the depths of its beady eyes as she scolds her friend, more curious than actually upset. "You two were so close! Why aren't you more excited to see Kaoru again?"

  
"Maya. I see her every goddamn day in my notifications. The only difference is that I'll be breathing the same air as her this time." Clack, clack, pause. Clack, clack.

  
"It's perfectly good air!" she calls back, hands on her hips even though Misaki can't see her.

  
"Ehhhhhhh."

  
She stands back up and stretches, deciding to put off moving the table the rest of the way over. For now she'll just focus on the more manageable clutter. Closest thing that fits the bill is that same stack of music mags she nearly tripped on just the other day. How was it only a few days ago that she looked out that window and got slapped in the face with a new purpose?

  
_"You'll see perpetual change..."_ Half-singing, half muttering along with the Yes song that's playing low on their cheap USB speakers, she squats to pick the stack up. No more threatening Maya's life, foul beasts.

  
She pulls out the near-empty magazine rack she bought at a dollar store five years ago and never used past the first day. After so long in that dusty corner, it's finally time for it to shine. One by one, she glances at the covers as she transfers the stack to its new home, humming to the tune. She stops halfway through as her gaze focuses on the cover of one issue.

  
In the center of a lineup of bass guitars, there's an off-white Duff McKagan Precision Bass propped up onto a stand. The lights hit it at just the right angles to show off its sleek form and simple design. It's a great cover. But Maya finds it hard to focus on that, or to admire the instrument as she would with any other.

  
That's the model Chisato always used. The one she helped tune on so many occasions, the one that Maya always did her best to back up with a strong drumbeat as the crowds cheered their names.

  
She wonders if she still has it.

  
Either way, what would have happened to it after the band's breakup? Would it belong to the agency? Or if it was Chisato's... would she have kept it or sold it off to some budding musician already?

  
Maya held onto the drumsticks, of course, but she obviously couldn't bring anything more when she left. The drum set was lost to time. Probably sitting in a warehouse or back room somewhere at the agency, if they're even still in business. The thought of it pulls at the corner of her lips, twisting her mouth into something between a smile and a grimace.

  
She wishes she could have kept it all.

  
_We're Pastel*Palettes!_ The lights, the overwhelming energy from their audience, the fire coursing through her body as she watched the four people she admired the most in the world bloom so beautifully for the world to see. _Thank you all so much for coming out here, and always supporting us!_

  
She slips the magazine into place, and does her best to stem the flow of memories. Painful as they can be, they're certainly not unhappy ones. They're nestled so deep into her heart that any attempt at extraction would be deadly.

  
And that's exactly why she has to... get closure. Or something.

  
_Deep inside the day's controlling you and me,_ Jon Anderson croons through the crackling speaker, and she leans back against the seat of the couch to stare at the ceiling. To be honest she hasn't really thought it through too much after the realization of how badly she wanted to see them again. But that's what Kaoru, and Misaki, and even Natsuki are here for. She doesn't have to grapple with her feelings alone.

  
That thought makes her stop to look down at her hands before holding them together and letting out a sigh. Having friends felt good, huh? She'd almost forgotten how good it felt. But, hey, that's not fair, Misaki's been here all along...

  
"Hey, Misaki?" she calls out on a whim as the thought occurs to her.

  
"Mmm?"

  
"Thank you."

  
Clack, clack, clack. "Don't know what you're thanking me for but no prob, Maya."

  
Maya smiles at the casual tone of her reply, and feels a warmth spread. She stands. It's time, she's energized with the power of friendship now. She can move this table or die in the attempt. One final battle at full power. This is the last of her Hamon!

  
She grips the edge and finds her footing in the carpet. "Ggggggrrrrrrrrrrrrrhhhhhhh!" Ah, it's moving, nice! Almost, almost in place now, and... yes! She stumbles back and casts her eyes over the room with some pride. Step by step, the work is getting done, and their apartment doesn't entirely look like a piece of crap anymore. Thank god for that. 

  
A glance at the clock, and she's surprised at how much time she still has left. Kaoru's not coming over until noon, and it's barely 9:00... some extra time to relax and calm herself is certainly welcome, though.

  
Maya wanders to the window and unlatches it, sliding it open with a scraping noise. Hey, she's had good luck sticking her head out of it so far. So she does it again. The wind is calmer now, and she closes her eyes and smiles as the sun's rays wash over her. The world may be a scary place, but it's a wonderful one all the same.

  
And nothing hits her upside the head this time, so it's just a net positive all around. Things are lookin' up for Maya Yamato these days. Opening her eyes to the view, a flash of a familiar purple catches her unprepared as she spots it down below. She squints, searching for the source, and her gaze alights on...

  
Hey. Hey, that's--oh my god, why is Kaoru here three hours early? She's just pacing around the sidewalk outside, what the fuck is she doing?

  
Maya jerks back and hurries to the door, grabbing her shoes for the walk down the stairs. "Hey, Misaki, she's here! I'll be right back!"

  
"Ah, sure." Clack, clack, pause. "Wait, what do you mean she's--"

  
The door closes behind Maya before she can hear the end of the sentence. Slipping her other shoe on she hops to the stairwell and makes her way down, growing more anxious by the second. Was something wrong, is that why Kaoru came early? What could be wrong? Her mind helpfully begins to supply suggestions.

  
Maybe she's coming to say she can't help anymore, or maybe she took some new role that'll take her out of town for a while, or maybe she's--ah, she doesn't know, something bad! It's certainly not anything good!

  
She shakes her head and shoves the door to the lobby open, rushing through to the front door and squinting as she steps out into the light. It's starting to feel less beautiful and more oppressive.

  
Looking around for that same splash of purple, she spots the woman standing half a head above most passersby and drawing glances left and right. She's still pacing, holding a tray of something in her hands carefully. "Kaoru!" Maya calls out, and their wide eyes meet.

  
"Ah, kitten, I... must apologize for showing up so far ahead of the appointed time." Kaoru gives her a sheepish smile and lifts the tray. Three steaming cups wobble within. "I thought it best to bring refreshments with me, but I seem to have misjudged how long it takes to brew a cup of coffee... truly, the people of Starbucks have refined their trade to an art."

  
Maya stares at the cups, and then can't hold back a snort. She got herself so worked up for this? She really needs to relearn how to chill out... "You know, you don't have to just stand around here. You can come in."

  
"...With your blessing, if you don't mind," Kaoru says with a growing smile. She looks down at her gifts and bites her lip in a way Maya finds shockingly endearing. "Though, I have to confess, I'm not actually sure if our Misaki is a fan of coffee."

* * *

"The _brew!_ " Misaki whispers with reverence as soon as Kaoru carefully steps through into the apartment, and she moves forward to swipe a cup out of the tray with a fervor unmatched by any living creature. "Kaoru," she says before taking a long sip, "you were always my second favorite out of the band, you know that, right?"

  
Kaoru stares at her, seemingly confused at the lack of a greeting, before replying with a chuckle in her tone. "Misaki, that simply can't be true, you've professed to love us all equally on several occasions."

  
"Wh--that's--" Misaki looks like she wants to continue her rapidly failing attempt at a response, but instead she just takes another long sip before stalking over to the couch and slouching down onto it bonelessly. "Shut up. I'm bumping you down to fourth."

  
"As long as I'm still counted among that number, I will consider myself quite a lucky woman," Kaoru liltingly declares to Misaki's flat expression. Maya giggles as she watches the entire interaction unfold, like a play in miniature performed in her own living room. Their friendship might seem shaky to an outsider, but she knows better.

  
Love was hidden in their easy back-and-forth, carried on without pause for so many years. Maya smiles at the thought as she watches Kaoru casually take a place by Misaki's side. But deep down she can't help but feel the slightest prick of jealousy.

  
But maybe she shouldn't have to feel that way for much longer.

  
Maya takes a seat on the other side of Kaoru, sliding as far to the side as she can get to keep a bit of distance between the two of them. They'd just reunited a couple days ago, so it wouldn't really be appropriate to start cuddling up out of nowhere. But even still... being near her is already putting her heart at ease.

  
"So, um..." she begins hesitantly, "how do we want to start this? I mean... I just kind of blurted out that I wanted to meet up with everybody again, but how should we even go about doing that? Should I try to organize a full reunion, or..." The more she thinks on that, the more anxious the thought makes her.

  
Kaoru looks down to her over the lid of her drink as she finishes a sip. She moves it away to give Maya a reassuring smile. "I've spent some time considering it myself, in the days since you were courageous enough to bare your heart to me."

  
"Courageous?" she stammers, waving her palms in disagreement. "I mean, I just sorta said the first thing that came into my head..."

  
"Being honest with yourself is difficult, my kitten. Give yourself more credit for it." She reaches out to pat Maya's shoulder, and Maya shrinks under the slight pressure as her protests die in her mouth. She focuses her eyes on her own cup of coffee, as yet untouched and growing cooler by the minute.

  
The dark liquid swirls side to side as minute tremors from cars and trucks outside are carried up through the building to their room. Her eyes follow it as she searches for the best way to respond.

  
"Ah, your place is quite nice, by the way!" Kaoru exclaims. She sweeps her gaze over the scene and nods appreciatively. "It gives me an image of your unique personalities so clearly--no one could possibly live here but my dear friends Misaki and Maya, and for that, I think it's wonderful!"

  
"Yeah, nothing says Misaki Okusawa like a ratty dead-end apartment," their mutual friend mutters, but she manages to look apologetic about it when Kaoru and Maya look her way. "Er, ignore me."

  
"But you've truly made it your own in your time here. Just look at these posters!" Kaoru gestures to a tacked-up poster of Robert Fripp and Bill Bruford that hangs above one of their shorter shelves, overlooking a disorganized box of records. "I've always been quite the fan of the Beatles myself, you know!"

  
"...I see," Maya responds, lacking the willpower to play the straight man right now.

  
The trio sit in silence for a few minutes, the calm between them only broken by birdsong and the sounds of cars outside, as well as a hacking cough from Misaki as a sip of her drink goes down the wrong way. Maya eventually decides the best thing to do is put some music on.

  
She stands, glancing at Kaoru questioningly. "Hey, Kaoru, um, any requests?" Flipping through the records, she's sure there's something in here that her friend will enjoy.

  
Kaoru ponders the question very seriously, tapping her chin. She moves forward with a glimmer in her eye. "Do you happen to have any soundtracks on hand? I've got a list of musicals I believe you would both enjoy, give me a moment to find it--"

  
"Vetoed," Misaki replies, "I had to listen to the entirety of Love Never Dies with you enough times between shows back in the day. No more musicals."

  
"Ah. Understood," Kaoru says as she leans back, head drooping a bit like a dog denied a treat. Maya feels her gaze soften as she watches the scene and she giggles. When Kaoru looks like that, she almost wants to just reach out and pat her on the head--

  
\--she wants to do _what?_

  
Maya shakes her head as a strange heat starts to spread over her face. "Ah, er, I guess I'll just pick something out then, unless you've got a suggestion Misaki?" Her roommate shakes her head, giving her full reign over their background noise as usual. She continues flipping through possible selections.

  
...This works. Nothing too obtrusive, just smooth instrumental tracks. She pulls out Elder's Gold and Silver Sessions, slips the bone-white record out of its cover and puts it down onto the player. She's delicate with the needle as she places it down. This player is old as hell. Liable to break without warning, and she doesn't exactly have the funds for a replacement right now.

  
Thankfully, for now it's working fine. The apartment is soon filled with the slow, alien soundscape of Illusory Motion. Maya turns to her friends as they look to her expectantly. She takes a deep breath.

  
"All right then, um... I guess I should get to work?"

* * *

_Hey everybody, I_

  
Maya leans back into the chair and groans. Her hands go limp on the keyboard as she chides herself. That's way too casual for something like this... She sits up straight and stretches before typing away again.

  
_Dearest friends, I'm sending this to_

  
That doesn't even sound like Maya! In fact, it sort of sounds like Kaoru more than anything, which is probably why she's nodding as she looks it over. Kaoru gives her a smile and a thumbs up. Maya wilts under her blinding light. "I think this is an auspicious start, kitten."

  
"Kaoru, I've been at it for half an hour and I only have one sentence..." She doesn't add that it's a sentence she plans on cutting.

  
It was so easy to blurt out that she wanted to see everyone again--well, maybe not easy to get to that point, she did need help with that part. But when it came down to it, once she could clearly see the thing she wanted so badly, it was easy to spit it out. Making it real would be infinitely more difficult. That fact was sinking in more by the minute.

  
The cursor at the end of the half-sentence flickers. Maya's resolve flickers with it, and she grumbles halfheartedly.

  
The chair creaks as Misaki hauls herself up from her position on the floor to lean on the side of it. She stares at Maya. "You sure you don't want me to toss a couple drafts your way? You know I write for a living, and you could punch 'em up however you want. I really wouldn't mind."

  
Maya pauses before shaking her head. "No... I mean, I really appreciate it! It's just... I've gotta do this part myself. This is gonna be the easiest part of it all, really..." She grips the arms of the chair tightly and narrows her gaze as she continues. "If I want to make it up to them I've gotta get used to putting my feelings into words."

  
Her friend nods. "I get ya. Still, you know where to find me if you need me. On the floor." She slowly slides back down, extending out like a starfish and pulling her Switch back out. The faint sound of British-accented battle cries starts up again.

  
Maya turns her gaze back to the light of the screen, and her fingers move over the keyboard. Carefully, at first. And then she speeds up.

  
_Hey, it's me, Maya. I know I was a huge asshole to you all and I understand if you can't forgive me but I want t_

  
A soft pressure bears down on her left hand as Kaoru reaches out to stop her from typing. "Kitten," she says, calmly but with some force behind it, "there's no need to beat yourself up. You'll get the chance to apologize properly. Just, for now, please don't be too harsh with yourself."

  
Maya holds her gaze for a long moment, before looking down with a shaky smile spreading. As hard as it is to internalize those words the fact that Kaoru's there to say them is... unbelievably comforting. She isn't sure how she kept herself going without that warmth behind her. "Yeah. Yeah, you're right." She flips her hand, interlocking her fingers with her friend's and squeezing. "Thank you, Kaoru..."

  
"Just think of me as your own personal Ariel, eager to carry out your will." Kaoru winks as she lets go of her hand, and stretches up into one of her signature poses. Does that make Maya Prospero? That's... err... She doesn't comment on it.

  
Her hands float over the keyboard. And then she gets to work.

  
_Hey, it's me._

_I'm sorry I haven't reached out sooner. I've been thinking a lot about things and how everything ended, and if you'll have me I would really appreciate the chance to apologize in person to all of you._

_The circumstances that led to me leaving were complicated, but I know that doesn't excuse me leaving without a word. I promise that it wasn't out of any distrust or misplaced anger on my part. Our friendship meant everything to me, and though I may have ruined it myself, I hope some spark of those feelings still remains._

_I'm not asking to walk right back into your life absolved of any wrongdoing. I just want to make it up to everyone, for the sake of our memories together. If you want to meet up again, reply any time. I'll be waiting as long as it takes._

_With love, your friend and bandmate always_

_Maya Yamato_

  
She takes her hands away from the keyboard slowly, letting them fall back onto the arms of the chair. Takes a long breath of the cool afternoon air that drifts through the open window.

  
And then she feels her entire chest sieze up with anxiety, and her eyes go wide.

  
Are they going to read this? Are they going to care? She feels her breaths speed up as she flies through the possibilities. What would be worse, a negative response or none at all? She honestly doesn't know, and it's so hard to imagine a third option. This stilted, overly formal piece of crap isn't gonna engender any sort of--god, what emotion does she want them to feel when they read this?

  
Pity, sympathy, affection...? What's the objective, what does she want out of this?

  
She can feel every inch of her body come into sharp focus as she tries to stabilize her breathing. The twisting of her gut, the breadth of her shoulders, the weight of her hands, the rasp in her throat, it all comes into focus with a startling intensity.

  
What did they feel when they looked at her back then, when they saw all of this? One of those emotions or something else?

  
...What are Kaoru and Misaki feeling as they look at her right now?

  
...

  
She turns to face them... and sees something she doesn't expect at all.

  
Kaoru's smile is so soft, her eyes are so warm. Misaki wears a similar expression--how rare is that, when has she ever seen Misaki smile like that in their time here together?--as she nods reassuringly to Maya. It's not pity that she sees in her friend's expressions, not any uncomfortable sort of sympathy. No... she knows what this is. It's just been a long time since she saw it on display like this.

  
They're looking at her with pride. She can see it in the way Kaoru's hands are clasped together, in the funny furrow of Misaki's brow. Her friends are proud of her.

  
It's a feeling she hasn't felt in a while, another to add to the list of emotions that have made a dramatic return in the last two weeks. Maya feels her breathing begin to restabilize as she blinks and looks away. An unstable grin comes to the surface and she doesn't try to hold it back.

  
"Thank you," she says, and feels a rush of blood to her cheeks. "Really. Misaki, I said it earlier, but you've been--"

  
"It's nothing," Misaki says, her smile rapidly replacing itself with an embarrassed half-scowl as she realizes that she just expressed an emotion, "really, I'm happy to be here for you, Maya. Seriously."

  
"--but seriously, I mean it, you let me hide out here with you when I felt like I didn't have anywhere to go..." The memory of Misaki unhesitatingly reaching out a hand plays back in her mind, and she can't stifle her reaction to it. Maya stands from the chair and holds her arms out to either side firmly. "So!"

  
"Oh, god--"

  
"Come here and let me hug you!" Maya says with conviction. She's gotta start showing her appreciation better, and this is one way to do it.

  
Kaoru doesn't interrupt, just rubs Misaki's shoulder encouragingly. Her roommate eventually stands and moves over, staring a hole through the side wall as she avoids Maya's gaze. "Just for a second. You know I'm not used to this kind of thing." It's a lie, Maya saw her hug her bandmates about a hundred times back in the day.

  
She steps forward to pull her friend's warmth closer, carefully wrapping her arms around her and feeling Misaki reciprocate the motion as she loses herself in the softness of the other girl's lived-in hoodie. She forgot how nice this felt...

  
All the members of Pastel*Palettes used to hug each other all the time...especially when Eve was around, heh.

  
On some level, she feels like she should feel a new wave of sadness as the memory resurfaces, but instead all she feels is a deep, bittersweet fondness for her friends both old and new. Everyone who has ever hugged her. She giggles into Misaki's shoulder, and the other girl jerks back, tickled by Maya's breath.

  
"Alright okay we're done, hug time is over," she stammers, but Maya can see the matching red on her cheeks. She's just as happy about their closeness as Maya is, no question about it. But she wouldn't be Misaki if she didn't deny it in some way.

  
Maya steps back, starting to feel more and more bashful over her sudden display of affection. She sits back down into the chair and spins around to face the monitor once again. "Okay, now we've just gotta get their emails, and then I can send this off... Kaoru, you know Chisato's, right?"

  
"Ah..." Kaoru begins, a paleness spreading over her face. "Er, when it comes to the matter of our dear Chisato, though we were as thick as thieves in our youth, I fear I may not be of as much help as you'd think--"

  
"You don't have it?" Maya asks, not realizing she's interrupted until it's too late.

  
"In spite of my many, many attempts," Kaoru says as she leans back and winces, as if the words are physically difficult to get out, "I regret to say that I do not."

  
"Ahh, then..." she runs through their options and hits on another potential connection. "Misaki, can you try to get ahold of Kanon? She's still friends with Chisato, she should know how to get in contact..."

  
Misaki is already tapping in the number, and she holds the phone up to her ear. The three of them wait... and wait... and wait, until she finally moves it away with a frown. "No dice. I think she did mention she was pretty busy with work this week."

  
Well, shit.

  
How'd she think she was gonna be sending this off? She'd figured Kaoru would definitely have at least Chisato's contact information, they were childhood friends, right? And then she could just... get the rest from her, assuming Chisato was willing to speak to her.

  
"Do we... know anybody who would potentially have their contact info?" Maya asks, feeling some guilt over the fact that she has no idea who would still be in contact with anyone these days.

  
"Perhaps the Afterglow girls would have some idea?" Kaoru replies, rubbing her chin. "I still talk to Himari on occasion, and I believe they're all in contact with some of your bandmates. She's mentioned that Tsugumi is still friends with Eve, and I'm fairly certain Ran is still in contact with Aya for matters related to vocal training. That's two at the very least."

  
"Ah, that's good!" Maya blinks. "Does... anyone have a way to contact them?" She looks down to her hands and feels herself sink down into the chair. "I... really did drop off the grid, huh? Not just with my band, but with everybody..."

  
"There's no reason to falter now, kitten." Kaoru pulls her phone from her pocket and swipes to unlock it, its gaudy purple case flashing in the light from the open window. "I've got Himari's number here, you can speak to her whenever you're ready." She hands the phone over and Maya takes it gratefully.

  
She stares at the screen as her grip slowly tightens. Alright, this is okay. Breathe. It's just a phone call, and Uehara was always nice when they spoke backstage. She was so much like Aya--not just the hair, but the empathy and natural sense of leadership too. She never had a problem getting her feelings across to either of them. It won't be any different this time.

  
"Okay." She stands, holding the phone close to her chest. "Um, if you don't mind, I'll just make the call in the other room, okay? I get sorta nervous on calls when there are people around--no offense..."

  
"None taken in the slightest." Kaoru nods, and Misaki gives her a lazy wave as her eyes stay glued to the console. The muted game audio-- _'Now it's Reyn time!'_ \--plays on as a backdrop as Kaoru gives Maya a comforting smile. "Take as much time as you need, Maya."

  
The door creaks shut, and then Maya is left alone in her room staring at the pale light of Kaoru's phone.

  
Himari's contact is right there, between two girls she half-recognizes as former Haneoka students. Drama club members? No, she doesn't recognize the names. They must have been Kaoru fan club members, then. It looks like they still talk occasionally... it's sweet that she still keeps up with them, though they must have gotten over their childhood crushes by now.

  
With how supportive and kind she is, it's no surprise Kaoru had so many girls pining after her back in her school days. Maybe she does even now. Maya did catch a couple wistful glances going her way at the meetup for the brief time they were there...

  
...she doesn't like this train of thought for some reason. Back to work.

  
Her hand's starting to shake a little, but by now she's almost used to it. Inhale, pause, exhale. She squeezes her eyes shut. Inhale, pause, exhale... and, with her other hand, she taps the call button.

* * *

_"--of courseeee don't worry about it! Seriously! And call me back later, we've gotta get caught up! It's been so long, oh my gosh!"_

  
"Ahh, huhehe, of course! It's been good talking to you again, Ueha--"

  
_"Himari! Maya, really, we're pals!"_

  
Maya nods, and then remembers Himari can't see her. "Of course, Himari." She's always been a little... overwhelmingly girly? That sounds sort of negative but she means it in the absolute best way. It's just that talking to her can be difficult at times, since Maya is very much not that.

  
_"Anyway, I'm sure you're busy so I'll let you go. But it's been great talking again! Ahh, it's bringing back so many memories from ol' Haneoka..." She sounds like she's almost about to cry, but then she bounces back. "I'll talk to you again later, okay? You, me, and Tomoe should all go for ramen sometime--HEY BABE! WE'RE GOING FOR RAMEN WITH MAYA! You remember Maya, right, from drama club?"_

  
Another voice in the background that Maya for the life of her cannot hear enough to understand, but it sounds enthusiastic. _"She said yes! Okay I'll go now but good luck, really! I'm sure everything will go just fine."_

  
"Thank you, Himari," Maya replies, "I really do appreciate it a lot." She does wonder how Himari had Chisato's contact info along with the rest, though, maybe for bassist stuff? But she doesn't want to take up too much of the other woman's time with questions. "We'll talk about meeting up later?"

  
_"Sounds good," Himari replies cheerfully. "Byeee!"_

  
Maya responds in kind--well, maybe a little less enthusiastically, she doesn't have that much energy right now--and then with a click, the call ends. She moves Kaoru's phone down away from her ear and takes a long breath.

  
All right! That went wonderfully, and now she's all set to send her message off to everybody... Doesn't make the thought of that any less intimidating, but she can do it if Kaoru and Misaki are there. She's sure of that now. Maya stands and has to spare a moment to stretch after sitting on the side of the bed for so long.

  
As she moves for the door, she catches a quiet voice coming from the living room outside. "--you're encouraging her so much? I mean, I'm not saying it's a bad thing, but..." It gets quieter, and she can't make out the next few words.

  
She pauses with her hand on the doorknob.

  
The next voice she hears is Kaoru's, quiet but not enough so that she can't make out the words. They're wrapped in a tone Maya doesn't remember hearing before. Sort of... wistful. Her word choice sounds slow and deliberate. "You remember when I informed the band about myself, correct, Misaki?"

  
"Mmm, of course I remember." A snort. "Took Kokoro so damn long to get what you were saying and why it could even be an issue, we had to explain about a hundred times..."

  
"But in the end, it went well, and nothing happened to put our communal friendship in jeopardy. You all welcomed me with open arms, and society did as well. As much as can be expected at least." A long pause. "I can't help but wonder if things had been different, how would I have reacted..."

  
"Kaoru..." Misaki says, and Maya can't stop herself from whispering her name at the same time.

  
"So you must understand why I wish to help her rekindle her relationships. Without my friendships with each and every one of you... even if they were lost now, let alone when I was younger, I would be devastated. And I will not allow her to feel that way if there's anything Kaoru Seta can do to help put things right."

  
"...I understand. I just... hope you know what you're doing."

  
And then the only noise is the faint ambience emanating from the record player as the Gold and Silver Sessions continue on in the background. The steady thrumming of Weißensee plays on as a backdrop to their lives. Maya slowly turns the handle.

  
"Ah, Maya!" Kaoru exclaims, sitting up straight and looking at her brightly as she enters the living room. "How did it go? I trust our fair Himari was helpful?"

  
"Ah, yeah," Maya starts, and then finds her footing again. She nods, and walks over to where Kaoru sits so she can hand her back the phone. She hopes it isn't too sweaty from her palms. "Yeah! She had everybody's contacts, even Chisato. So... I guess we can send it off any time now."

  
Kaoru claps once in response. "Wonderful. Then, whenever you're ready, I suppose..."

  
Is she ready? She thinks she might be.

  
Maya sits down at the computer to stare at her message blankly. She fills in the TO bar one by one with her bandmate's emails, going off the note she's roughly scrawled them all down onto. And then she leans back, searches herself... and finds that she is ready to do this. It's a feeling she can't let slip away for a moment, or it may leave her--

  
_Click._

  
She takes her hand off the mouse after hitting the send button, and then all at once Maya can breathe again. Kaoru moves to stand behind her as the message is sent off, and leans down to whisper into her ear.

  
"Well done, kitten. I'm proud of you."

  
And when she says it like that, so gently and truthfully, maybe Maya can stand to feel a little proud of herself as well.

* * *

Elsewhere, someone else sits at a monitor of their own, typing away in a darkened room.

  
The blinds are shut tight and the lights dimmed to a minimum level. The other resident is still sleeping, after all, it's only considerate to keep things like this. Considerate may not be a word commonly associated with them, though, but all the same... it's the least they can do.

  
In the shadows, they continue their work. And then, halfway through a new paragraph... _ding!_

  
The cheery notification sound draws their attention. After a moment, they click down to open their email, and hit refresh to pull up whatever new message has come in for them. Their eyes widen as they read the sender's name. The cursor hovers as they decide whether to read it at all.

  
_Click._

  
Their eyes fly through the words, narrowing as they finish reading the message. They lean back into their chair and stare at the screen, going over their options carefully.

  
And then, as quietly as they can to keep their partner asleep, they start to type.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _🎵 Softly as dawn is breaking  
>  I awake to sounds around me  
> Sleep has left my eyes and  
> A new day will be dawning 🎵_

_Dear Maya_

_I'm so happy to hear from you after all this time. Please don't worry that I have any sort of negative feelings towards you, nothing could be further from the truth. If anything, I have been concerned for your safety. I couldn't be more glad to have those fears disproved._

  
Maya can't stop reading the email through over and over again on her phone as she does her best to stay upright in the middle of the train. Her eyes begin to glaze over and her gaze wanders, coming into focus as she sees the view out the window. The sunrise is beautiful when seen from an elevated rail. All reds and yellows flowing out from the burning orb showing its face on the edge of the horizon.

  
She takes a breath and regains her grip on the metal bar next to her, hugging the side of the train as best she can. Was it stupid to come out this early? Absolutely, yes. Even more so now that she's realizing it's rush hour for all the office workers of the city. They've swarmed the train like a colony of ants, and she's been struggling mightily to keep out of the flow. But she's not going to risk being late today.

  
No, she's not even going to risk not being early. Because if she gives herself enough time to think about everything she's gonna unleash all the butterflies in her stomach again and she REALLY doesn't like the way they tickle.

  
The train moves along to its destinations with a low, rumbling hum, and the passengers around her lend their voices to the chorus of noise dutifully. Whether they're on their phones, with a companion, or just grumbling to themselves about something or other. Everyone on this train has something to talk about and it's starting to get to be... too much.

  
But she hasn't reached her stop yet. And in this position she can't exactly pop her earbuds in like she normally would, if she takes her hand off the pole she'll probably just topple over on the spot.

  
So instead she reads it again, though she already knows the words.

  
_Please come to the cafe I've linked below on Saturday, before noon if you can. It's short notice, I know, but I am anxious to see you again after so long. I'll be waiting for you there._

  
The sun has nearly fully risen now, and Maya squints in the brightness of the day. She peeks out the window to check where they are, and it looks like her stop is coming up in just a moment. Starting her trek to the door, she hands out apologies left and right as she squeezes through the black-suited crowd.

  
As the door hisses open she hops through before the would-be passengers outside can start cramming themselves through. She stops to stretch and get her bearings before moving for the brightly lit stairwell.

  
It's so strange to think that one of her friends was so close. Well, this isn't quite close, but it's the same city! Just opposite ends of it. Only a bus and a train ride away. If she had come out here for another reason, maybe some other studio work around here... could they have met? What would that have gone like?

  
...Probably poorly, if it had happened before she had a chance to start building up her confidence again like she has in the last few weeks. A little voice in the back of her head helpfully tells her _hey, buddy, you don't know if this will go any better!_

  
In an attempt to shut it up, at least for a moment, she reads the end of the message again and feels herself both settle down and grow more anxious as she reads it over with a shaky smile.

  
Who knew six words could have such an effect?

  
_Warmest regards, your friend_

_Chisato Shirasagi_

  
Your friend. Your friend! The words have been bouncing around her head like a logo bouncing around on the screensaver of an old TV ever since she read it the first time, with Kaoru and Misaki there to back her up just in case the message was less pleasant. But Chisato... she still considered Maya a friend, after all this time.

  
The butterflies are working overtime now, and she gulps before hurrying down the stairs. She turns at the end, moving to the automated gate and tapping her pass so she can scurry through and out into the world. The glare of the sunlight that makes her squint and look away for a moment, the bustle of pedestrians and the low rumble of cars and trucks and buses and trains above... yeah, it's exactly like her own side of the city. Maybe a little cleaner? She isn't sure what she expected.

  
Now, where's that cafe?

  
Chisato had attached a link to some directions from the station. Maya pulls it up and opens it in her maps app, sitting down on a nearby bench as she waits for it to load and then works out which direction it wants her to go. If she's facing this way, then... yeah, that looks right, the street curves in the same way.

  
She stands and gets moving, keeping an eye out for the cafe in question just in case she walks right past it. The flow of the crowd is against her but this early in the morning it's far from terrible, and a whole lot better than the train. She can handle this just fine.

  
There are... a lot of cafes and coffee shops in this area of the city, she starts to realize after scanning the area a couple times. It's almost to the point of absurdity--did that building need a rival coffee chain on either end, really? And what was the fundamental difference between the French cafe and the British cafe next door to it that seemed to desperately wish it were French? They probably got their croissants from the same place. She giggles.

  
Now, she does have the name of the place, but what was it? She double checks the map. Yamabuki Cafe... wait, Yamabuki!? Maya knows that name! Is it just a coincidence, or did the Yamabuki family really open a cafe here? What are the odds?

  
Maya puts a hand over her eyes to survey the area more, finding she's at the end of the map's trail, and eventually spots a sign across the street. It's a small place, she definitely would have missed it if she wasn't looking for the Yamabuki name out front. She crosses the street quickly and peers in the window as she cautiously walks up. Chisato's not gonna be here yet, no way. She's got time... but no harm in checking just in case.

  
There's nobody inside she recognizes. Just more early risers and office folk grabbing coffee and bagels before heading out. Maya breathes a sigh of relief, and pushes the door open--only to be hit by the scent of freshly baked bread.

  
This place smells... absolutely heavenly. Did she just start craving bagels, or was the hunger always within her waiting to be unleashed? Either way she knows what she's ordering.

  
Maya lets her gaze wander around the interior of the cafe as she gets in line. It's not a big place, but the tables are laid out around the edges in a way that makes it feel more comfortable than cramped. The lighting is intentionally a bit low to provide a more calm atmosphere. There's something playing over the speakers, the bassline is low and so familar to her, but she can't quite place what it is... eventually she gives up on her futile quest to identify the track and turns her eyes to the menu instead.

  
Full loaves, half loaves, soup, sandwiches, salads--ah, there's the bagels. They've got plenty of seasonings and toppings but Maya's got a pretty good idea of what she wants. Everything with garlic spread. It's a little pricey but that's fine, she can take the hit.

  
She's just about to fish around in her bag for her wallet when there's a lazy tap tap tap on her shoulder, and then a voice that's both familiar and completely unexpected.

  
"Yooo, Maya. What's good?"

  
Maya spins on a dime with her eyes wide, and what she sees makes her blink twice, three times before she can take it in. "A-Aoba!?"

  
The woman before her is almost gaunt, and a little hunched forward as she stretches her back like a cat. Her black hoodie shifts as she stands to her full height and gives Maya a wave with a cheeky little grin to accompany with it. "Mmhmm, glad you remember my name after all these years. We were the best of chums before, weren't we?"

  
"...Were we?"

  
"Sure we were, sure we were!" Moca gives her a play-acted expression of hurt. And that's when Maya notices--

  
"You shaved your head!" she exclaims, loud enough that the woman in line ahead of her casts a confused look back. She whispers an apology with a quick little bow and looks back to Moca. "You... oh my gosh! You look so different now, Aoba. I mean, you look good!" She scrambles to make herself clear. "I don't mean it in a negative way..."

  
"Ehehehe, aren't I dashing these days?" The other woman reaches up to ruffle her own hair, silver and shaved so short it's hardly there. "It does get a little cold sometimes, but I was real tired of having to take care of it, you know?"

  
Maya can get that much, at least, it is annoying to have to move her sweaty hair out of her face after a prolonged studio session. And Moca really does look good like this... a thought she regrets as the other woman waggles her eyebrows at her. Was she staring? Maya feels her cheeks heat up as she quickly looks down.

  
But, hey... "Aoba, do you live around here? I had no idea."

  
"You bet. Not far at all. I'm livin' with the wifey right now." And that's when Maya spots the tiny shine of the ring on the hand Moca's brushing the fuzz on her head with, and she gasps.

  
"Aoba! You got engaged!?" She hasn't seen this woman in so long, and it's not like they knew each other particularly well in their school days, but Moca was a friend! She was allowed to get excited when her old friends made progress like this.

  
Moca gives her a wide grin. "Yep. Couple months ago. Though I've been asking for like a year or so now... she wouldn't say yes to me, but eventually I got to say yes to her. Score, baby." She does a little fist-pump, but Maya can tell in the way the corners of her eyes crinkle up that the memory is a very happy one for her, and she can't help but smile ear to ear.

  
"I'm really happy for you and..." Maya realizes she's missing a crucial piece of information. "Er, sorry, who was it again? Mitake?"

  
"Nope, me and ol' Ranny are just pals these days. And you'll find out which lucky suitor braved the cursed castle in exchange for the heart of Princess Moca eventually~." Moca winks, and Maya can tell she's not getting anything more out of her.

  
Moca shoves her hands into the pockets of her hoodie and squints at the menu. "Mmmm... Yamabuki bread hits different, you know?"

  
"Ah, I was wondering about that actually!" Maya looks behind the counter to see a man she doesn't recognize at all. "Is this place connected to the Yamabukis? I mean the Yamabukis, you know, the ones who had a bakery back home?"

  
"Mmmhmm, a sharp mind you have, my pupil. Our old buddy Saaya's family started a chain. I hear even she's begun to take the reins recently. If there wasn't one here, I never would have moved from where we grew up." It sounds like a joke, but Moca's expression is deadly serious. Maya chooses to let it be.

  
The two of them eventually reach the front of the line, and Maya orders first. As soon as she's finished Moca ambles past her like a cowboy entering his favorite saloon, and the man behind the counter gets a look in his eyes. It looks like... terror?

  
"I'll have one of the poppy seed bagels, two of the everything bagels, one of the oven-baked sourdough--the new ones--one ham sandwich with extra mayo, eh, actually I'll go for two, one of the bread-bowl chicken soups, another poppy seed bagel, two of those little mini loaves that look like turtles, and--"

  
The woman is a goddamn machine. Maya almost admires it. She does note that Moca's getting most of this to go, so thankfully it's not as if she plans on eating everything at the same time. But as Moca goes on, she starts to feel the same terror the man must have felt when he saw her shuffle through the front door and get into line.

  
"--aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand one more poppy seed bagel with a lil' drizzle of butter, thank you my good man."

  
She swipes her card as the man continues to write down her order, grabbing a third slip of paper. He hands her a receipt with a number on it. "Take any table you want, it's gonna be a little while while we get everything ready. Sorry for the wait."

  
"I would wait until the end of the world for genuine Yamabuki loaves, you know that." She winks at him and then turns, taking Maya's arm and moving them both to a small table off to the side. Moca slides into her seat with a gangly sort of grace and props up her face in her hands as Maya sits opposite her.

  
"Sooooo." Moca meets her gaze with an odd intensity. "What's brought you over to my stomping grounds, old chum?"

  
Maya blinks, and then her brain starts to catch back up with her. "Ah, I'm actually here to meet somebody... huhehe..." She scolds herself for the giggle and looks up to the clock on the wall. Still a ways before noon, she's probably got thirty minutes before Chisato arrives... enough time to have a nervous breakdown, or enough time to catch up with an old friend.

  
"Ohoho, so it's merely fate bringing the two of us together... a wily mistress, she is." Moca nods.

  
Maya nods back with a lopsided smile. The pair sit together in silence as the noise of the cafe continue around them, until eventually she comes up with a question to poke the awkward tension in the air with. "Yep... so, er, how have you been, Aoba? Is Afterglow still playing together?"

  
"Afterglow!" Moca exclaims, leaning back and closing her eyes with a grin spreading across her face. And then she sits forward again and reverts back to the same lazy expression. "Nah, we broke up."

  
"Ah, I'm sorry!" Maya scrambles as she feels regret start to build up in her chest like blocks of ice. "I didn't know..."

  
"Hehehe, it's cool. We didn't get in a fight or anything like that. Afterglow is forever! We're just... busy these days, y'know? No time for messing around anymore." Rapping her fingers on the table, a wistful sort of expression crosses Moca's face. "They were all worried ol' Moca would be lonely, but I'm too hilarious and lovely for that. I entertain myself. And the wifey is around too."

  
"I see..." There are a lot of ways for bands to break up, huh? It doesn't have to be all drama and big feelings. The thought of it makes Maya's heart ache in a way she can't verbalize.

  
"Now, I've gotta say I'm getting reeeeeal curious." Moca leans forward even more. "Who's the lucky person getting to meet up with my best buddy Maya? Nobody's heard a peep from you in a long time. I know some folks have been worried."

  
...They have been?

  
Well, it shouldn't really be a surprise. She did more or less disappear on everybody, not just her bandmates. It would make sense that the other people in her orbit--school friends, people she knew through band activities, even... her fans. Though she absolutely was not ready to start thinking about that last one.

  
But it's still a bit of a shock to the heart to hear it out loud. People have been worried, maybe even missed her. Maya smiles and looks down even as she grows sadder at the realization. "Er... I'm sorry about everything, Aoba, I wish I could have--"

  
"Whoa whoa whoa, easy there tiger." Moca holds up her palms with a knowing expression. "No spirals on my watch. You're good, don't worry about it. Seriously. I mean, most of us could put it together, y'know? No hard feelings."

  
"...Yeah." Maya nods. It's not like it would have been difficult to figure out why she left.

  
"Anyway." Grabbing a napkin, Moca starts to play with it. "I'm still curious. Who's behind door number one today?"

  
"Um, actually, huhehe..." As the words leave her, it feels freeing. Moca doesn't interrupt as she goes on. "I'm trying to... talk to the other P-Pastel*Palettes members again. Er, if they want to talk. And it looks like Chisato does... she told me to come here before noon, and we'd meet up."

  
"Ohohoho! Caught a big fish right off the bat! Good for you." Moca reaches her palm back up again for--what, a high five?

  
Maya does her best to weakly reciprocate, and the halfhearted slap seems to be enough for Moca. She leans back, and Maya does the same. She casts another glance at the clock--there's still twenty minutes or so. That's assuming Chisato doesn't show up until noon on the dot, though. And assuming she shows up.

  
She looks around the cafe again. It's slowing down quite a bit now, all the office workers have gotten their fix and moved on. Only a few other customers besides her and Moca now. The ambient noise has died down to the point where she can actually recognize the music. It's low, but hard to miss the way the guitar flickers and drifts around to back up the soft yet forceful vocals. On the boom, from tricot... she hasn't listened to them in a while. It's sort of nostalgic.

  
_An unidentified flying object rides on the boom_  
_I want to become a paranormal occurrence, an experimental result_  
_Red alert, acknowledge my existence_

  
Just as Maya is getting into the rhythm of it, the music is cut off by Moca's voice, lazy as usual but with something else in her tone. "Sooo, whatcha gonna talk about with Chisato?"

  
Moca looks at her with a bit of surprise. "Er... to be honest I'm not totally sure yet. I just... well, the first thing I need to do is apologize, and then... I don't know. I didn't think I'd get that far." She stares at the table, mind beginning to race. What was her plan, after all?

  
Didn't she have one?

  
"Mmmhmm, gotcha. I understand." Moca props her chin up with her palms again, gaze transfixing Maya. "But you know, in my unsolicited opinion, I think your plan's kinda rubbish, my friend." Maya feels her mouth open to respond, but it hangs there as she tries to figure out what she should even say.

  
Moca doesn't wait for her. "I know you wanna apologize. I get that. Moca's got a loooootta stuff she'd like to apologize for, like eating all the cornets before Tsugu could get one that one time. Still feel like shit over that." She gives a prayer to the front window. "I'm so sorry, Tsugu, please forgive me as I grovel before you!"

  
"Yeah, I--"

  
"But does Chisato want to hear an apology?" Moca cuts in sharply.

  
Maya stares back at her. She doesn't have any sort of response for that at all. What? What does Moca even mean by that...? She can't tell anything at all from Moca's eyes, they're flat as a sheet of metal. No emotion she can read in them at all.

  
She starts to stammer out a response. "W-What do you--"

  
"Aha, too late," Moca interrupts as the bell on the door rings out behind Maya. Those strange eyes fall away as she leans around her to give a wave to the latest customer to enter the shop. "She's here!"

  
Maya turns in her seat with wide eyes, and is met with...

  
Ah.

  
She's there.

  
She's right there in the doorway looking straight at her, and oh, Maya wasn't at all prepared.

  
She stands from the table in a flurry of motion, nearly knocking the chair over and reaching out to roughly move it back into place with a shaking hand before she secures her bag, just out of habit, and then she's moving step by step by shaky step past her--"Maya?" she hears Chisato whisper as she moves past her with her head down and gaze locked on the floor--and then she's pushing the door open.

  
And then she starts to run.

  
And then she can't stop running, one foot in front of the other in long stumbling strides, weaving and thrusting herself through the flocks of people that look at her with wide eyes as she runs past them. The world starts to blur the faster she moves through it. Or maybe it's just her eyes.

  
Her breaths grow faster and shallower as she moves, her feet slap against the ground harder, it hurts. It hurts it hurts it hurts all over and why did she think that she was ready for this?

  
Sounds melt together into an awful stew. Honking and whistling and buzzing and chiming and muttering and the steady sound of her shoes hitting the ground. She takes a hard turn around a corner and nearly slams into someone coming around it, and she can't take in enough of a breath to apologize, she can only put her head down in a half-bow and keep moving.

  
Is this all she can do?

  
Maya grits her teeth and feels her face contort into a mask of fury towards herself. Her hands ball up into fists so tight she can feel her fingernails imprinting into her palms. Her feet hurt. Her lungs hurt so much.

  
All she can ever do is run away from her friends forever like the worthless fucking coward she is--

  
And then there's a firm grip on her sleeve tugging her back, forcing her to stop.

  
What--? Maya's thoughts scramble to catch up with her, and she nearly topples forward as she tries to stop her own momentum. The grip doesn't let up. She looks back, trembling, not wanting to know what she'll see behind her, and then her eyes widen at the sight...

  
"Maya," Chisato gasps desperately as she leans doubled over, hair falling messily around her head, her arm outstretched to grab her sleeve, "please, please just stop. I'm not--" She lets out an immense breath, replaces it. "--I'm not the best at physical activity and we both know that. So please just stop and talk to me."

  
Maya opens her mouth to reply, but doesn't know how. All she can think about is the way Chisato is hunched over, her shuddering breaths... "Chisato, please let me get you to a bench! I'll--I'll get you some water, okay?"

  
She takes Chisato's shoulder and brings her to the nearest bench--ah, hey, it's the same one as before. That means they're close to the train station. In the back of her mind, was that her destination? It doesn't matter. Chisato sits with a sigh, and leans forward. But she doesn't lose her grip on Maya's sleeve.

  
Maya takes her arm, as gently as she can. "Hey, um... I promise I won't run off again. I'll come right back with that water. So... er, could you let go...? Huhehe..."

  
Chisato looks up at her through her hair, and that piercing gaze, yeah, that's the Chisato she remembers. She does her best to hold eye contact even as sweat builds on her brow and palms, and eventually Chisato slowly begins to loosen her grip. "Alright."

  
Alright then. Well, um, where's she gonna get that water?

  
Maya searches the area and spots a vending machine across the street. She makes her way to it and pays for a large water, bouncing on her feet as it oh so slowly dispenses the chilled bottle. Ahh, her feet hurt... but that's not important right now. She casts an anxious gaze across the street as she waits for the light to change, and feels her heart beat faster as she sees her old friend through the gaps in passing traffic.

  
She looks older. Well, Maya looks older too, it's not like she's trying to be judgemental! But Chisato's posture, her eyes look so tired now. Or maybe she was tired the whole time, and she's just not trying to hide it anymore.

  
The light changes, and Maya trepidatiously makes her way back to the bench. She creeps up with the water in her hand. Should she... sit? Or would that--

  
"Please sit down, Maya," Chisato says wearily, a small smile on her face now as she sees Maya scramble to follow her instructions. Maya stares down at her feet and holds out her hand. "Here you go..."

  
"Thank you, Maya. You're kind." A weight out of her hand as Chisato takes the offered bottle. Maya's hand retreats to rest on her knee. She's not, though. If she were kind she wouldn't have made Chisato run so far in the first place. If she were so kind...

  
...things wouldn't be like this, would they?

  
And then there's a freezing cold impact on her cheek, and Maya yelps in surprise. "Yeek!"

  
She looks over with wide eyes to see Chisato offering the half-empty bottle back to her. There's a firm look in her eyes as she holds it out. "You ran just as far as I did, Maya. Take some for yourself."

  
"I--"

  
Another cold shock as Chisato bumps her with the bottle again. "I'll hear no arguments."

  
Maya blinks back, and then slowly, gingerly, takes the water. She sips from the open lid and as it hits her throat she realizes just how desperately she needed it. Before she knows it it's mostly gone, and she's pulling the bottle away with a gasp.

  
"See?" Chisato chides her as she sits up straight and stretches her slender shoulders. "Maya, it's not productive to hide your own needs. Please think of yourself once in a while, or the situation won't ever improve."

  
It's so familiar, this sort of scolding from Chisato.

  
If Maya closes her eyes, she can almost pretend she's back there in the old practice room. Eve on one side of her and Chisato on the other as they force her to take a break after an especially strenuous drum session. And then Hina drapes herself over her shoulders and giggles when Maya jumps, and Aya has to tell her to not scare people like that, and... and...

  
She chokes the memory down, and hands the bottle back. But Chisato only pushes it back towards Maya, and after a moment of awkward eye contact, she finishes the last of the water.

  
"..."

  
"..."

  
Chisato's eyes are fixed on the horizon and her lips are closed tight as Maya stares at her, words jostling around in her throat as she tries to string together an appropriate sentence. It's just not working.

  
If she can't say anything else... she can at least thank her for showing up. "Hey, um... Chisato?"

  
"Yes?"

  
Maya gulps before she hesitantly continues. "Thank you... for coming. I was nervous sending that email, I thought that--"

  
"Email?" Chisato interrupts, and after a pause she nods. "Ah, of course, your email."

  
"Yeah." Maya squirms in her seat, fiddling with the empty bottle in her hands. She's grateful for the distraction, as slight as it is. "Um, I already said a lot in that! But I just... I'm sorry... huhehe..." She squeezes her hand tight and hears the bottle crackle as it crumples down into a compact shape. "...I wanted to say so much but now you're here and I don't--I'm not sure where to start."

  
"Start wherever you like," Chisato responds, "I'm far too tired to go anywhere anyway."

  
"Ah!" Maya leans forward. "I'm sorry about that too... um, I'm sorry about a lot of things. You know that. I don't know how I can make it up to you..."

  
She hesitantly looks up, and sees the woman beside her looking away again. She's not smiling, but not quite frowning. Chisato just looks... exhausted. And not only physically. The sight of it jolts her heart and sends a whisper through her mind, something she hasn't had time to think about until now.

  
_"But does Chisato want to hear an apology?"_

  
She doesn't know what Chisato wants. How can she? She doesn't even know what she wants herself.

  
...But that's not quite true, is it?

  
Maya stands as Chisato watches her move, and walks over to a nearby recycling bin. She tosses the bottle in, and--ah, dammit, she missed. Her cheeks flush red as she crouches down to pick the bottle up and try again, and she hears a quiet, tinkling laugh from behind her.

  
Straightening up, she quickly pivots to face Chisato, and catches the other woman off guard judging by the way she moves a hand to cover her mouth. Maya walks over to stand before the other woman where she sits.

  
"Chisato!" Maya says firmly, and bows. "I know you might not want to hear it right now but I really do feel like I have to apologize for everything I've put you through. You've always been a really, really good friend and I never should have left without even considering going to you and everyone for help first!"

  
Chisato looks like she wants to say something but Maya's not done yet. "And what I really want to say! Is! I... want to be your friend again, Chisato! If you'll have me. That's... it's why I asked you to come out here. Not just because I wanted to clear my conscience."

  
Maya stands back up to her full height and feels the sun at her back as their eyes meet. It's warm. "I've never stopped wanting to be your friend, Chisato! I mean that."

  
...

  
And now the self consciousness is hitting hard and fast, and her cheeks are flushing even more than they already were, and her legs are tired, and Chisato's--Chisato's face is blank. Maya has more to say, she really does, but when she sees that expression she can't help but let her nervous tic emerge. "Huhehe...hehehe..."

  
At her stifled giggles, Chisato's face softens. She starts to say something. "Maya, I..." But before Chisato can finish the sentence she trails out and stops, seeing that Maya still has more to say.

  
She nods back to her, a cue to continue.

  
Maya scrambles for the words as Chisato watches her patiently. "I... I know that it's really presumptuous to come scrambling back out of nowhere like this, and I'm sorry it's so sudden, but I just..." She plays with her hands.

  
"I recently met up with... somebody. And she encouraged me to do what I felt was right, to do what I needed to do for my own sake. And what I need to do is fix what I broke." Maya looks down at Chisato, hands wrapped together in her lap. "I need to talk to all of you again. My--my best friends. More than anything. You don't have to forgive me, but I had to see you, Chisato."

  
"Maya, it's--" Chisato starts. And then she stands herself, walks around Moca, who watches her carefully as she goes. Chisato stands perfectly straight in front of Maya with the sun at her back. "Maya, look at me."

  
She does. And what she sees is... a weary smile. "It's not about forgiveness, Maya. I forgave you a long time ago. And since then, all I've wanted is to know that my friend is safe." Chisato reaches out tentatively, and Maya almost flinches away before closing her eyes... and feeling her glasses adjust. Ah... they must have gone crooked at some point when she was running. She didn't even notice.

  
But of course Chisato noticed.

  
...

  
"Maya..." she hears the concerned mutter, "Maya, you'll ruin your makeup if you cry like that. Please, I've got tissues..."

  
She's crying. She didn't even realize it. But they don't feel like the same tears she shed when she reunited with Kaoru, or even the same ones as that awful night at the apartment when things first started to come to a head. They're different. Her chest doesn't feel like it's full of ice, it feels like it's overflowing with butterflies, multiplied, fluttering and wheeling around and clamoring to escape, and their only avenue to do so is to melt into hot amber and streak down her cheeks.

  
Chisato's right, her makeup is probably ruined, but Maya doesn't care. She takes the tissue--she can see well enough to do that--and dabs at the wetness, wiping it away as she leans forward and lets the tears escape one by one. She gasps for a breath, and feels a small hand rub circles in her shoulder.

  
"Thank you," Maya manages to mumble out, and the hand on her shoulder grows gentler.

  
Inhale, pause, exhale. She tries it, and then again, and it turns out it even helps in times like these. Inhale, pause, exhale. Feel everything flowing out of her. Feel the butterflies escaping from her stomach through her chest and out into the open air.

  
Inhale, pause, exhale.

  
Chisato is still there.

  
And the thought of that is what puts a goofy, wavering smile on her face as she does her best to turn her face up. "I... I'm sorry, I didn't mean to start crying like that in front of you, I'm... I'm just so happy, Chisato..." She meets her eyes--her friend's eyes. They're soft.

  
"I'm happy, too," Chisato says back, so quietly Maya can barely hear it as it mingles with birdsong and all the many sounds of the city that ebb and flow around the two of them, together in their own tiny bubble of emotion.

  
...

  
It's a nice bubble, it really is.

  
...But the tradeoff for spilling your guts is that when you're done there's not much left. She's struggling to put together anything else she wants to say as she finishes gently dabbing her face clean, and looking over, she can tell from the way Chisato's eyes move around and narrow that she's in the same boat.

  
Just because they've decided that they want to reconcile doesn't mean things will just fall back into place. Even though it was so easy to talk to her back in the day...

  
......

  
Just as Maya's stomach is about to flip over from the weird atmosphere, the bubble bursts. A carefree exclaimation flies across the square and slips right between the awkward pair as they both look up, startled out of their mutual haze.

  
"Yo!"

  
Moca peeks her head out over a heaping stack of bakery takeout bags to grin to the two of them. She walks right past them and sits down hard on the bench, melting into it as if she was a part of the metal itself. "Glad to see you two are talking. Either of you want a poppy seed bagel? It's got a lil' drizzle of butter."

  
The two of them stare at her for a long moment before Moca shrugs. "Guess it's all mine, then."

  
"Moca, we were-"

  
"You two were having a personal chat, right?" Moca replies. "Don't stop your conversation on account of me. Plenty of room on this luxurious bench for everybody to sit down!"

  
She pats the empty space on each side of her side. Maya's eyes flick from Moca to Chisato to the bench to Chisato again before moving to settle down, and Chisato does the same. Moca lounges between the pair comfortably.

  
"Moca," Chisato says, and it's incredible how much of an edge she can give to just a name.

  
"Yes, sweetie?"

  
Chisato puts a hand on Moca's shoulder and smiles widely, eyes closed. Maya can tell from experience her teeth are surely gritted. "Why are you here?"

  
"Just to suffer," Moca responds before taking another bite of the bagel. "Ah, but actually I'm just hanging out with a couple of my best pals. Nothing wrong with that."

  
It's finally sinking in, all the pet names and the strange closeness between Moca and Chisato. Maya should have realized much, much sooner, but to be fair it's not a relationship she would have guessed existed. Not in a hundred years. But the matching ring on Chisato's small finger doesn't lie, even as her hand continues to clutch Moca's shoulder in a vice grip.

  
"You--you two are engaged!" Maya exclaims, wide-eyed.

  
"You bet," Moca responds with a grin, as Chisato replies herself at nearly the same time, wearing a flat grimace, "No, we're simply domestic partners."

  
The two stare at each other, and Maya can tell she's stepped on a landmine. "Moca, sweetheart," Chisato starts, and just the tone of it makes Maya gulp. "We've agreed about our level of publicity regarding this. You remember?"

  
The hand on Moca's shoulder may not have moved, but now it may as well be a hundred-pound weight from the way Moca shrinks under it. "Ehe, must have slipped ol' Moca's mind."

  
"Ah, well. I suppose we'll just have to discuss it at length later."

  
Maya shivers at the chill in the air, but it doesn't last long as Chisato leans around Moca to meet her eyes and show her an apologetic expression. "Maya, I apologize for my domestic partner's actions. I hope she hasn't been too rude with you today?"

  
"Oh, er--no, no! Not at all!" Maya quickly responds. "She met up with me at the cafe, we talked a bit... sorry, I'm still just surprised about the two of you. How did that... happen?"

  
"Can't say I recall," Chisato replies, and at the same time Moca says "Former child star meetup. Sparks flew as soon as we sweetly gazed into each other's eyes..."

  
"Star is debatable, but sometimes I do believe that you're still a child," Chisato sends back at her, and as Moca lolls her head over as if struck dead by the casual comment.

  
As much as they seem willing to snipe back and forth at each other, Maya can tell there's a deep level of trust between them. The Chisato she knew never would have made jokes like that, and though she never knew Moca all that well, the woman seems even more comfortable in her skin these days judging by the way she slouches down and spreads her legs out with a lazy grin.

  
Maya giggles as Chisato gives Moca's shoulder one final squeeze before pulling her hand back and subtly slipping it into Moca's own hand. She can't stop herself from commenting on it. "You two... are pretty good together, huh?"

  
"You bet," Moca says immediately, a moment before Chisato replies "...I suppose so." The two stare at each other, seemingly shocked to find that they actually agree, for once. Moca's eyes narrow and a grin makes itself known.

  
"Aww, babe, you--"

  
"Silence. Eat your bagel."

  
Moca nods, and salutes before taking a bite. "Loud 'n clear, ma'am."

  
From the other side of the bench, Chisato settles down and just watches her for a moment, and Maya catches the way her eyes crinkle at the edges as she sees her--her Moca, Maya's already growing tired of trying to figure out the appropriate term--take a dutiful bite and lick her lips. The moment stretches out lazily, comfortably.

  
But it can't last forever.

  
Chisato turns to meet Maya's eyes again, and from experience Maya can tell she's all business. "Now, Maya, I'm sorry to get back into heavier matters so soon. But I have to ask... have you contacted any of the others yet?"

  
"Sort of..." Maya replies, scratching the back of her head as her smile slips. "Er, I sent everybody the same email, but you were the first to reply... I'm still waiting on everybody else. That's if they're willing to meet up again, of course..."

  
Chisato nods as she takes in her words. "If that's your aim, then I'd like to assume they'll all be as willing to rekindle their friendships with you. But it's been years, and I..." She pauses, looking away with regret pulling the corner of her lips down. Maya catches the way Moca gives her hand a squeeze before Chisato continues.

  
"I can't say I've been in contact with them often either, and there's no way to know how they'll react. So..." She stands once again, moving around in front of Maya and extending a small, slender hand.

  
"I'll come with you," Chisato says, and Maya feels the smile explode back onto her face unhindered, like a second dawn breaking over the horizon.

* * *

Opening an apartment door is a bitch of a thing to do with you're carrying six Yamabuki Cafe bags, but Chisato's not helping so Moca does her very best. She fumbles with the key, eventually getting it into the lock and bumping the door open with her foot. Chisato follows her through, and Moca gulps as she feels her fiancée's calm gaze on her back.

  
She sets the bags down on the counter. As soon as she does, she feels a weight pressing up against her, making her lean forward as the other woman wraps her arms around Moca's waist and stretches up to whisper in her ear.

  
"Maya mentioned something quite interesting, dear. Something about an email that I responded to?"

  
The inflection in her tone--and the fact that she's even using sticky-sweet pet names, Christ--makes Moca shiver even as the warmth of Chisato's body seeps through her. "Ahh, hmm... you know, it must've ended up in spam or somethi--"

  
The grip on her waist grows tighter. "Sweetheart."

  
"...Too far?" Moca says, quietly.

  
Chisato doesn't respond, which is as good as a positive, Moca knows this well. And then Chisato replies with a question that sounds more tired than angry. "Why reply on my behalf without telling me?"

  
For a moment Moca considers telling her the whole truth. The way she worried that Chisato might paralyze herself with guilt or indecision, and how she wanted a chance to vet the Maya of today before letting their paths collide. Slapping foam covers on all the sharp edges like the overprotective fool that she is. She knows she got that instinct from her days with Ran.

  
But instead of getting into any of that, perhaps wisely, she just lets out a slow breath and reaches down to cover Chisato's hands with her own on her waist. "Tryin' to look out for you, babe. But you know your Moca can be pretty dumb sometimes. Sorry," she mutters softly, rubbing her thumb back and forth over the bridge between the other woman's thumb and forefinger.

  
"...Stop sounding like a kicked puppy, Moca. I'm not upset. And I don't want an apology." Chisato sighs and rests her head on the curve of Moca's neck. Her breaths tickle. And then her voice shifts, grows some steel. "But I want you to make it up to me."

  
Moca's eyes widen a bit at the possible implications of that. But she does her best to not let it show in her posture. "...How so?"

  
Chisato leans even closer, each breath hitting Moca's ear now as she whispers. "I'd like the whole bed tonight, I think I need some proper rest after today's workout. You don't mind sleeping on the couch, do you, sweetheart?"

  
"Not at all," Moca replies, knowing any attempt to wriggle out of her fate will only worsen the situation. Chisato reaches up to ruffle the fuzz on her head before leaving her with one final, sharp whisper, accompanied by a feather-light kiss to the back of her neck.

  
"Good girl." Chisato's warmth disappears from her back, and Moca shivers from the sudden chill. "I'll need to get plenty of rest anyway, if I'm to be running all around trying to hunt down everyone..."

  
Chisato takes out her phone as Moca starts to put away her haul of bread into the cupboard. A slight intake of breath makes Moca turn her head, and she gives Chisato a questioning glance. "What's up, babe?"

  
"It's a text from Maya. Already. She says that she got a response from one of the others..." Chisato squints at the screen, her expression growing increasingly incredulous as she reads, before jerking the phone away from her sight entirely as she finishes processing the message. She looks up at Moca.

  
"She wants us to go _where?_ "

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter now has absolutely fantastic [fanart from @ImCosq on twitter!](https://twitter.com/ImCosq/status/1258543450846199808) make sure to check it out because it is wonderful


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _🎵 Still I refuse_   
>  _To let you slip away_   
>  _Don’t be so serious 🎵_   
> 
> 
> [Content warning for descriptions of panic attacks and mentions of alcohol.]

Maya's always been good with numbers.

  
The skill came bundled with her hobbies and then eventually her job. Gotta be able to count with precision accuracy to keep the rhythm steady and interesting. Calculating the cost of new instruments, equipment, parts, counting down the days until the next show, counting endlessly on her fingers to ease the anxiety before the curtains opened or the spotlights switched on... she's good at it. It comes naturally.

  
7,548. 1,166. 74,335. She's had nothing better to do than think about these numbers for a while now. She bounces them around in her head, adds and subtracts and multiplies them, then closes her eyes and throws them into context.

  
7,548 kilometers. 1,166 minutes, or when calculated into simpler terms, 19 hours and 43 minutes. And 74,335 crisp Japanese yen for the privilege of it all.

  
Her wallet wasn't exactly happy about that last part. Chisato insisted on paying her own way, even though Maya offered to cover it--she was the one dragging her friend so far, anyway!--and the other woman opposite her similarly refused assistance, saying it wouldn't be 'gentlewomanly' to take the free ride.

  
...Was it considered gentlewomanly to moan so loudly on a crowded flight?

  
Chisato's brow furrows in a way that makes her look both concerned and aggravated as the sound grows louder. She shakes her head and casts a disparaging glance to the roof of the plane. Reaching into the pouch on the back of the seat in front of her and yanking out a folded paper bag, she mutters over to Maya, "Can you pass this down? I believe she may need another one."

  
"Mmmgh..."

  
From the sound of it, Maya knows Chisato's instincts are spot on. She takes the bag with a grateful smile and turns around, reaching out to rub Kaoru's shoulder gently. "Hey, Kaoru? Here's another one if you need it. Um, we're gonna be landing soon, I think! At least that's what the pilot said a little while ago, I'm pretty sure."

  
"Ah... kitten..." Kaoru mumbles, one arm wrapped tightly around her stomach and the other shading her eyes. "Thank you. Don't worry, I'm perfectly alright," she says, moving the hand on her face away to give Maya a wink before an ominous gurgle tips her forward again with a grimace. "Ah, um, but there is a good chance I'll need to make use of it."

  
Maya gives her another rub, and checks the time. Despite what she said to comfort Kaoru it'll be at least half an hour before they land.

  
She looks out the circular window of the plane, watching the endless blue below them start to shift into whites and greens and browns. From the air, it looks so different from their home. So much endless green, broken by wide expanses of pure blue water and dotted with white and gray where towns and cities must be. The clouds are mostly clear today, allowing Maya to let the view sink in for as long as she likes.

  
Leaning back into her seat, she sighs, and does her best to stretch without encroaching on Chisato or Kaoru's space. It doesn't quite work but the effort feels pretty good. She's been feeling stiff for the last few hours, almost since their connecting flight first took off...

  
It really is a long way from Japan to Finland.

* * *

_"--Connecting flight to Newcastle International Airport arriving at Terminal B. All passengers are advised to--"_

  
The automated voice, reading out English over the loudspeaker after running through several other languages, gets quieter the further they walk away--or stumble away, in Kaoru's case. Maya does her best to keep her arm stable around her friend's waist as she supports her weight, and Chisato waves from ahead to let the two of them know she's found an empty seat.

  
Once they make it over, Kaoru all but collapses down into it. She looks up at them with cloudy eyes. "Ah... Maya, Chisato, my wonderful friends, I apologize for my... state. I do tend to avoid air travel as much as possible but I didn't realize the reaction would be quite this severe..." She grimaces, and Maya feels her own stomach turn in sympathy.

  
"It's all right, Kaoru, um--if there's anything I can do for you just let me know! Maybe some water?" That worked out pretty well last time and Maya's not above playing the hits. She starts to search for vending machines or water fountains. Her friends are still talking but she's too busy squinting to really listen.

  
"Kaoru, it was a twenty-hour flight. You knew that going in. Please do make an effort to take care of yourself so I'm not put in a position where I must do it for you."

  
"Chisato... it means the world to me to know that you'd take care of me if I could not do it myself. I appreciate everything you do, truly."

  
"Don't grow too dependent on my kindnesses, Kaoru, or you may find yourself--"

  
"Ah, look, water!" Maya exclaims far louder than necessary. She tugs Kaoru's hand, and her friend gurgles as she stands. A small water fountain is their destination. They've just got to slip through the throngs of would-be international travelers to get there.

  
There's not a lot of Japanese people here. Shouldn't be a surprise, but Maya hasn't left her home too often so it's a bit jarring. Finland really is a different country.

  
...what an astute observation, Detective Yamato, with that wit she could even perhaps solve the maddening mystery of the Speckled Band! She chides herself for the thought and keeps moving, Kaoru gently holding onto her arm for support.

  
The flight really did a number on her...

  
Maya's right about to start feeling guilty for that, and for dragging both her friends so far across the globe at all, when Kaoru stops that thought in its tracks with a tap to her wrist and a warm smile when Maya looks at her questioningly. "Don't worry too much about me, kitten, I'm just fine. A furrowed brow doesn't suit your face."

  
"Ahh... huhehe, was I that obvious?" Maya winces, a little ashamed to be seen through so easily.

  
Kaoru only winks in response, and then closes her eyes tight as she stumbles. Maya catches her in time with a grunt, and wraps an arm securely around her waist again. Thankfully, Kaoru is skinny enough to be pretty light despite her height, and Maya's been exercising more regularly these days. "Kaoru! You know you can lean on me, right?"

  
"...Of course." Kaoru smiles again, and this time there's something different about it. Maya can't place it. But she does notice the way Kaoru's cheeks have reddened--oh no, is she getting even more sick?

  
She quickly leads them around the last large group of people, a handful of Americans with more luggage than sense, and helps Kaoru lean down to the fountain and take a long drink from the thin stream of cold water it dispenses. Kaoru wipes her mouth carefully on her sleeve and stands back up to give her a smile. "Thank you, Maya." She seems a little steadier, but Maya keeps her arm in place.

  
Chisato slips through the crowd to find them, putting her phone in her pocket. "I got a text from Eve, she says she's almost here. We'll need to find the meetup area soon." She looks at Kaoru, and underneath the firm mask Maya can tell she's concerned. "Is she doing any better?"

  
"Quite," Kaoru replies, stretching her back. "I feel rejuvenated, and it's all thanks to our wonderful Maya."

  
"That's a little too much!" Maya insists, embarrassed. Kaoru only raises a hand to her brow and sends her a suave look from between her spread fingers. Overlooking the scene, Chisato frowns, but Maya could swear she sees the corner of her lip turn up the slightest bit as she turns to check the signpost nearby.

  
"...Ah. We'll have to hurry if we want to be there when Eve arrives, it's halfway across the terminal."

  
When Eve arrives...

  
Maya thought she'd have more time to think it over on the flight, but instead all she's done until now is fill her head with numbers and distractions. She's meeting Eve again soon. It's a thing that feels too big to fit in her head, just as it had with Chisato. But Chisato went well. And if Eve is so enthusiastic to meet up then this should be fine.

  
Her email back took Maya nearly twenty minutes to read through--not counting time spent wiping away some tears, Kaoru could attest to how emotional she got--and it was as positive as she could have possibly asked for. The last line hadn't left her since she read it: _I love you, Maya! Please lift your head up as much as you can!_

  
It should realistically be completely fine.

  
...

  
Ahh, but she just can't make herself feel that way, can she?

  
Her gut is still twisting at the thought of her old friend seeing her again. What if she's disappointed in what Maya's become? She's sort of a mess... a mess who's made improvements recently, sure, she'll give herself a little credit. Just not too much. And what has Eve's life become these days? For all Maya knows she's settled down with someone and now has a flock of adorable little Finnish children scurrying around her house.

  
Such a long email and yet there was barely a word about herself. It's just like Eve, really. Always giving so much of herself to her friends, and somehow still with so much to spare. She's amazing.

  
Will someone as amazing as her still be okay with Maya as she is?

  
As she is...

  
The sounds of the airport surround her as the end of that sentence floats around like a wayward kite. Plastic wheels against plastic flooring, gates hissing open and shut, dings and buzzes and automated announcements telling the crowd where to shift to next, which door to enter and which to exit. Why's she so hung up on that phrase? They've got to head out of the mess of unkempt travelers as soon as possible.

  
And then Maya realizes she was just on a nearly twenty hour long flight.

  
Including the ride to the airport and the time spent preparing in the morning, packing her things and emotionally preparing herself, meeting up with Kaoru and Chisato and making sure they were prepared themselves, that means... it's been at least 24 hours since Maya last shaved or epilated her face.

  
Her body tenses up at the realization, and she reaches up to feel her face and her chin as subtly as she can manage. A slight prickle under her fingertips sends a jolt of electricity down her spine.

  
Oh no. Oh, fuck, her shaver isn't in her carry-on bag, is it? She needs to check. She needs to--a tug on her sleeve interrupts the thought. "Maya? We need to get going, is there something amiss?" Kaoru looks down to her with concern in her eyes. Maya tries to figure out what to say, but her mouth isn't being very cooperative right now.

  
"Um... you both go ahead, I have to. Use the restroom." Maya can tell Kaoru notices the slight edge of desperation in her voice. "Don't worry, I'm fine, it's just--"

  
"Are you worried, kitten?" Kaoru asks quietly, moving her hand from Maya's sleeve to cover her own hand. She slips her thumb in to rub against Maya's palm comfortingly. "I'm certain everything will be alright, and you'll have both Chisato and myself as backup the whole time. You have nothing to fear, I promise."

  
"...Kaoru... thank you." Maya smiles, but it flickers out quickly. Should she say something...? Kaoru should understand. She has to have dealt with the same thing before. Maya reaches up and pokes her chin, holding eye contact with Kaoru, and she can tell she understands what Maya's implying immediately.

  
"Ah! In that case, I'll accompany you, if you'd feel more comfortable...?"

  
"No, it's fine!" Maya stammers. It's so hard to not feel embarrassed about this, even if her friend gets it. "Um, you should go with Chisato. You two haven't gotten much time to talk yet, have you? You should catch up while I'm gone."

  
"...If you're certain." Kaoru gives her hand one last rub and nods reassuringly before moving to Chisato, leaning down to let her know what's going on. Chisato glances back at her for a moment and gives her a nod of her own before the two set off for the meeting room. Maya notes the direction they're going in, so she can catch up.

  
Now, where's the nearest bathroom... ah, it's close by. She's gotta navigate her way through the maze of people once more, but they've cleared out somewhat. Must be a gap between landings. Alright, here it is.

  
Three doors sit arranged underneath the larger sign for the bathrooms. Stick figure with a skirt. Stick figure with pants. And one in between that just says FAMILY RESTROOM in rough block text, with a larger sign partially blocking that one: OUT OF SERVICE--oh, come on. Both of her other options have their own share of risks, but she's not quite dressed masc enough to look that out of place in the women's room, so that's the door she carefully pushes open and slips through.

  
There's nobody inside. That's good.

  
Maya slips into the closest stall to the far wall and rummages through her bag--yeah, no shaver here, nothing but the basics and her drumsticks. She's got... some makeup. Maybe that'd help, but is it bad enough to be visible yet? She didn't get a chance to look in the mirror, and her friends didn't seem to notice... but maybe she should put something on to try and cover it just in case.

  
She'll probably benefit from using the mirror, and if there's nobody here it's probably fine. Maya readies her things and tentatively peeks out the stall door before moving to the large mirror and resting her palms on the counter.

  
Damn, she looks tired. With the bags under her eyes and the way her hair fluffs up despite its shortness it's almost comical. But thankfully she can't see any sort of shadow... yet. She reaches up to pat down her hair first of all, and then goes to work.

  
Or she would have, if the small tub wasn't completely empty.

  
When did that happen? She must have forgotten to toss it out and replace it--the last few weeks have been hectic, sure, but not so much that she should have been this stupid! Ahhh, god damn it, she needs to do something before she meets back up with Eve! Even if it's not visible now, it could be in a few hours. Could she buy something here? Maybe, but what would they sell at the airport? "Shit, what am I gonna do..." she mutters as her mind races.

  
She's about to start panicking when a woman's voice calls out to her from the next sink down in slightly accented Japanese. "Ah, if you're out I have some extra foundation and concealer you can use!"

  
Maya blinks and tenses up as she looks to its source, a tall Finnish lady in a thick sweater. Not the sort of person she'd immediately expect to speak any Japanese at all. Long blonde hair tied back into a braid shifts as she walks over, and Maya has to fight back the instinct to move away--being in the women's room didn't exactly help her anxiety, and while the other woman seemed friendly, she was still...

  
A bright, reassuring smile knocks her worries out of her head. "Sorry if that was a bit sudden. I just overheard you and noticed that." She points to the empty tub, and Maya blinks before nodding.

  
"Ah, huhehehe, yeah... but, um, you don't need to--"

  
"It's no trouble! Really!" The woman reaches into her own bag to pull out a handful of small containers, sliding two over to her side of the sink. "Don't worry about it, I've got plenty more at home." Maya slowly reaches out to take them, and feels her cheeks begin to heat up. She's never been particularly good with other women being nice to her.

  
"Anyway, good luck! And safe travels if you're heading out." The woman gives her a friendly wave as she turns to leave. Maya watches her for a moment before turning back to the mirror and cracking one of the tubs open. All right.

  
...Time to see if she remembers how to do this.

  
...

  
......

  
It turns out she kind of does!

  
It's not perfect or anything, and Maya winces as she does a final once-over in the mirror and gently pushes her chin to the side with one hand. It is a little sloppy in places, over- or under-applied, but hey, it'll do the job of covering up what needs to be covered up. Good job.

  
She tosses the makeup into her bag and then the old tub into the trash where it lands with a satisfying clunk, before washing her hands and moving to the exit. All right, no more excuses. She's gonna go find Eve and she's gonna say what she needs to say. And maybe, hopefully, they'll end up as friends again.

  
As she leaves she gets her bearings and turns in the same direction Kaoru and Chisato went off in, assuming they must have read the signpost correctly. If she sees another one she can double check. Ah, there!

  
Maya squints to read the small text on the off-white board. Thankfully, they've got it written out in Japanese as well as Finnish and a few other languages, but the font is so small. She adjusts her glasses and allows herself to feel a little offended on behalf of all near-sighted Japanese folks. Passenger Meeting Room... yeah, there's an arrow pointing a little to the left of where she was headed. Great.

  
Just as she's turning to move out, there's a tap on her shoulder. Maya turns quickly and takes a jumpy half-step to the side on instinct--

  
\--but oh, it's the same Finnish lady from the bathroom. "Looks like we're going the same direction!" she says with an apologetic smile beginning to spread across her face. "My bad, I didn't mean to startle you."

  
"Huhehe... um, sorry, don't worry about it." Maya puts her hands in her pockets to stop herself from fidgeting nervously as they walk side by side. "You said we're both heading the same direction... so you're going to the meeting room too?"

  
"That's right. Ah, I'm not traveling myself. Me and my wife are here to meet a friend of hers."

  
Her wife! Oh, wow, it's sort of odd to find out now that the other woman is gay. Ah, was it bad that she assumed she wasn't, though? It's an odd thing to think about. And as she thinks about it she hits on the sudden realization that she's lacking something important.

  
"Hey, um..." Maya starts, meeting her eyes curiously, "sorry, I never asked what your name was?"

  
The woman's mouth falls open a bit, and then she lifts her hand to cover it as she chuckles. "My bad again, I should have mentioned myself. My name's--"

  
"Maya!"

  
That voice.

  
So clear and pure, like a soft layer of white foam floating downriver from the base of a waterfall, it's such a familiar tone. Maya knows it so well. Her breath stops in her throat as she turns... and wide blue eyes meet her gaze from several yards away, where another woman stands bouncing on the balls of her feet in the entrance to the meeting room.

  
"Eve..." Maya whispers.

  
"Maya?" the Finnish woman beside her says questioningly. "Wait, you're--"

  
"Mayaaaaaaaaa!!" Eve shouts at the top of her lungs, so loud that the people around start to turn their heads out of shock. And then she charges and Maya's mind goes blank as a sheet of paper.

  
Her eyes flare as she realizes Eve's not going to be able to slow down even if she wants to. The image of Takeda Shingen leading a reckless cavalry charge flashes in her mind and for a moment she feels the same gut-wrenching terror his enemies must have felt on the battlefield as Eve flies to close the distance between them, and then--

  
"Ga-whoof!"

  
The impact almost certainly would have toppled her over onto the linoleum floor if the other woman hadn't interfered, dropping her bag to grab Maya's shoulders and prop her up as Eve slams into her and hugs her so tight that she can't do anything but squeak.

  
"Maya, Maya, Maya! I missed you so much!" Eve buries her face in Maya's shoulder as the two struggle to stay upright. Maya finally finds her footing as the other woman lets go, hovering nearby. She wraps her arms around Eve gingerly, and then tighter as she processes the situation.

  
She hasn't been hugged by Eve in so long...

  
She almost forgot how warm it felt, how it was like a heavy wool blanket enveloping you in comfortable softness and heat to the point that you had to fight to not be overcome by it. But Maya doesn't feel like fighting right now. Rubbing Eve's back slowly, she buries her own face in Eve as well.

  
God, why'd she even worry about whether Eve would welcome her back? She didn't even need to say it. Of course Eve would be waiting with open arms, until the end of the world she'd be ready to forgive Maya for leaving her.

  
Maya doesn't deserve friends as good as these.

  
Looking up with bleary eyes and blinking the emotion out of them, she sees that Kaoru and Chisato are here now, hanging back and watching the two. Kaoru just looks satisfied by the display of affection, but Chisato moves forward, concerned. "Eve? Careful, you don't want to crush her..."

  
"You're right!" Eve pulls back, puts her hands on Maya's cheeks--ah, they're a little chilly!--and searches her face for... what, signs that Maya's been crushed to death? "Are you all right, Maya? I'm sorry, I should have asked first--"

  
She doesn't finish before Maya's surged forward to hug her yet again, pulling her close as she yelps. If Eve's hug was her way of greeting Maya, of forgiving her, then this is Maya's response. She pours all the love and appreciation she can into the embrace and squeezes her friend tight.

  
"Thank you, Eve," she whispers, and Eve giggles in her ear.

  
"Welcome back, Maya."

* * *

The passenger meeting room is surprisingly well furnished, with enough tables and seats for their whole little crowd to fill their own area without bothering any of the other people who sit or stand around checking their phones and waiting for their own people to arrive.

  
It almost reminds Maya of the old practice room. Brightly lit, with a minimalist design and a few small art pieces dotting the walls, but nothing else. A blank slate of a room. Not designed to be memorable, but instead entirely made for the people within to focus on their friends, or relatives, or partners coming home from a long trip.

  
As they move a few chairs over to take over a table, Maya wonders what sorts of encounters must have happened here in the past. What sorts of untold stories these walls must hold. And now, the humble room has the honor of hosting an impromptu reunion of the moderately successful former idol band Pastel*Palettes. Or the majority of them at least.

  
Thankfully, as Maya noted earlier, they're not in Japan. So nobody around seems to recognize them. Would they be recognized if they were still at home...? At this point, it's doubtful. That's probably a good thing but it doesn't make Maya feel quite as reassured as it once did.

  
Now, as she settles down into her own chair and looks around to the waiting gazes of her friends, she's got one specific question on her mind. "Hey, um, sorry if this is a weird thing to ask, but..." She looks at the still nameless Finnish woman who's settled down right beside Eve.

  
"Uh, who are you?"

  
"Hanne, you didn't get a chance to introduce yourself yet?" Eve asks as she turns to the woman--wait, Hanne? They've met before! Eve's friend from Finland. Which is where they are right now. Of course she'd be here, but Hanne said she was here to meet someone with her... wife...

  
Hanne folds her hands and laughs. "I was just about to when you arrived, sweetie..."

  
"Eve!" Maya claps a hand to her mouth. "You and Hanne--you're married!" She leans back into her seat. Are all her friends married or engaged? The world's been spinning so fast while she's been off in her depression hole working out what to do with herself. She can't help but be happy for her friend though, even as she does her best to acclimatize.

  
Hanne was nothing but kind and welcoming when they met as teens, and Maya's seen firsthand that she hasn't changed a bit since then. The makeup in her bag attests to that.

  
Eve grins widely, pride flushing her cheeks. She reaches across the table to hold Hanne's hand without a hint of shame. "Just last year! I would have invited both of you, as some of my very best friends, but... of course, that was when we were split apart." She beams even brighter. "But that's over now!"

  
Is it? Maya watches her smile, and feels another piece of her heart settle into place. Is it truly that easy? Does she deserve a reception so warm?

  
"Ah, some of our mutual friends did attend, though!" Hanne adds, glancing Eve's way. "Hina and Aya, the Hikawas. They make such a cute couple, don't they? Even though Hina was a little reckless with her dancing at the reception."

  
Maya's eyes go wide yet again as she's caught off guard. Fuck! Hina and Aya? Between this, Eve, and Chisato's... Moca situation, all her friends really are pairing off like there's no tomorrow. Is this what it's like to be an adult? But maybe it shouldn't be so surprising. It's been years. And Hina and Aya especially... those two always had sort of an odd tension to them. She shouldn't be too shocked that it's evolved into something more in the time she's been away.

  
Before she can work out a reply, Chisato cuts in. "Eve, Hanne, congratulations. You know Maya and I would have been there if the circumstances were different."

  
"Yeah, of course! I'm happy for you both," Maya manages to say. It sounds so clunky to her as it falls out of her mouth but Eve only looks overjoyed at her friends' support. She squeezes Hanne's hand again, and Hanne seems to grow a bit more bashful as she does.

  
Maya sinks back into her chair and takes in the sight before her, feeling a warm tickle in her chest. Like a sparkler held over her heart, sending tiny pinpricks of light all around in a display just for her. There's really nothing else like seeing her friend's smiles after so long. In the back of her mind, did she think they would all be as directionless as she was? No, they're stronger than that.

  
"--you have anything specific planned?" Kaoru says, and Maya realizes she missed some of the conversation while up in the clouds.

  
She focuses again and looks to Eve, who's turning to Hanne before she responds to Kaoru's question. "I had one activity in mind, if you're all interested! It'd be a fun bonding experience, I'm sure, and it's a short trip from here." Eve's fidgeting excitedly, but Maya can see some nervousness in her expression too. "What I was thinking about was..."

  
And then she explains.

  
Maya holds up her palms reflexively and leans back as her face whitens. "Ah, I don't think I can do that, huhehe... I mean, we can go, but I really don't think I should be participating..."

  
"Nonsense," Kaoru replies, "you'd be wonderful, Maya. I'd love to see you give it a try."

  
"I don't know..."

  
Eve looks like she's about to take the whole idea back, but Maya doesn't have time to feel guilty about it before Hanne cuts in to address both of them. "Why don't we just go check it out? There's no pressure for anyone to actually take part in it, and if we don't like it, we can head out someplace else?"

  
That's... well, it's reasonable enough that Maya can't really refuse. And the light sensation of the makeup on her face reminds her she owes Hanne a favor. Let alone the infinite favors she must owe Eve by now, and Kaoru, and--somebody should be keeping score of all the ways she needs to repay the people close to her. Really.

  
"All right," she replies with a slow nod. "I'm just... I can't really sing anymore, you know?"

* * *

The bars in Finland aren't all that different from the ones in Japan when you really got down to it. There are only so many ways you can fill a space with people, bad music, and alcohol, and even though Maya was far from a bar-hop back home walking through the doors felt familiar. There's a fundamental difference with this one though.

  
It's not like they don't have setups like this in Japan, they just aren't quite as widespread compared to the more private alternatives. But Maya can't help but stare for a moment at the stage centered at the back of the main room, with a scrolling banner of text to the side of a woefully inebriated man who had unfortunately been given a microphone for a rousing round of karaoke.

  
As he wails out the chorus, blasting tone-deaf English around the room-- _"Ain't nothin' but a heeeaaartacheee!"_ \--Maya winces and shuffles to the side to let the rest of the group follow through.

  
Eve is the first to hop through by her side, a wide grin on her face as she looks at the stage with clasped hands. "We come here together every Friday! Oh, Hanne's voice is so wonderful! Whenever she sings it's like an angel came down. I can't wait for you all to hear her. Especially you, Maya!"

  
Has Eve already told her all this before on the car ride here, at least twice? Yeah. Is she gonna let her say it again, with a smile just as genuine as the first time? Absolutely. Hearing Eve gush makes her so happy, and Maya can't help but do her best to match the happiness displayed so clearly on Eve's face every time.

  
Now, that doesn't mean she's any less anxious about the prospect of singing. But it's still nice.

  
_"Tell me whyyy! Ain't nothin' but a miiistakee!"_

  
"Ah, I do so love the classics," Kaoru says as she moves up behind Maya. A hand rests lightly on her shoulder, a silent question--how's Maya coping with the situation here so far? Maya takes a moment to think about it, and decides it's not as bad as she thought it might be. Still loud, still a little scary, but she can deal with it for the moment.

  
So she reaches up and pats Kaoru's hand steadily. A small smile is her response, and Kaoru moves away to join Chisato at the counter where they're ordering a few drinks and getting set up to join in on the karaoke.

  
It seems like there's a bit of a language barrier. Chisato turns to search for Eve and waves her over. "Ah! I should go help out. Maya, you stay here with Hanne and find us a table, okay?" Eve nods and rushes over to her friends' aid, leaving the two stragglers all alone together.

  
"..."

  
"...So, um..." Maya hunts for a topic and jumps on the first thing that comes to mind. "Thank you again for earlier, the makeup..."

  
Hanne laughs. "Like I said, it's no problem. Especially knowing now that you're a friend." She gestures to an open table near the center of the room with a good view of the stage, and the two begin their journey to it. "It's funny, I remember meeting you now. It's just that you look a little different now, you know? Your voice is different too. A little more womanly." She pauses in her tracks, looks back at Maya seriously. "Oh, I apologize if that's an odd or insensitive thing to say! I just mean you sound more mature."

  
"No, no!" Maya scrambles to reply. "No, um, huhehe... if anything it's kinda nice to hear that." And strange. Has she actually changed all that much--her voice especially, she didn't think there was much of a difference at all from back then. But if Hanne says so, maybe it's true...?

  
"If that's the case then I guess I'm glad I said it." Hanne smiles, and it looks so much like Eve's smile Maya's almost thrown off.

  
The two settle down to wait for the others to arrive. Maya's chair squeaks as she pulls it out but the sound is drowned out by music and the sound of people, she doesn't have time to feel embarrassed over it. She sits and folds her hands, searching for a place to look. Hanne is great and all, but she's still a little anxious alone with a somewhat new person.

  
Her gaze shifts to the stage. It looks like the man from earlier is finally done, he's being led unsteadily off-stage by a friend. And next up is...

  
"Greetings, good people of Finland!" Kaoru exclaims as she picks up the microphone and gives it a twirl. The sudden movement causes a burst of feedback and Maya winces at the sound. "Ah, whoops. Well! I'm Kaoru Seta, actress and former guitarist for the band Hello Happy World--pray tell, have any of you heard of it? We're quite well known overseas."

  
A cough.

  
Does she realize they're probably the one only ones here who speak Japanese?

  
"I suppose not, but that's all right. Now for my song, I've selected a true classic!" Kaoru holds a hand up to her face and makes a fleeting gesture with it. "A personal favorite and a romance song for the ages. Enjoy, Kaoru Seta's rendition of--"

  
"Christ, Kaoru, just get to it," an exhausted voice mutters from across the table. At some point in Kaoru's speech, Chisato and Eve made it back and got settled down. Eve sits properly in her seat with her hands folded and eyes fixed curiously on the stage, but Chisato's a bit slumped down. When Maya shoots her a concerned look, she sighs and rubs her forehead. "...I've just had quite enough of... the entertainment industry for one lifetime."

  
"She's starting!" Eve exclaims, clapping her hands together.

  
A somber piano starts up over the bar's array of sub-par speakers. It sounds incredibly familiar, where's Maya heard this song before... a commercial or something, maybe? Her questions are answered in a rush of clarity the moment Kaoru lifts the mic to her lips and begins to croon.

  
_"I can dim the lights and sing you songs full of sad things_  
_We can do the tango just for two..."_

  
Oh no.

  
_"I can serenade and gently play on your heart strings_  
_Be your Valentino just for you."_

  
And then the song starts to pick up, it grows more jaunty and careless in tone as it moves along without a thought. Kaoru twirls in place, launching herself headlong entirely into her most flirtatious form. Maya knows it well from school days when she'd put on the charm for other girls, but seeing her go for it in this context is just--

  
_"Ooh love, ooh loverboy_  
_What're you doin' tonight, hey, boy?_  
_Set my alarm, turn on my charm_  
_That's because I'm a good old-fashioned loverboy."_

  
Maya's gaze meets Kaoru's as she comes down from the verse and Kaoru sends her a smile before clicking her heels on the stage and dancing backward with a shimmy, shifting around the large speakers before stepping back up and giving the audience double finger guns and a grin, then clasping her hands over her heart. Oh my god. She's so into this it almost hurts.

  
_"Ooh, let me feel your heartbeat grow faster, faster_  
_Ooh, ooh, can you feel my love heat?_  
_Come on and sit on my hot-seat of love_  
_And tell me how do you feel right after all..."_

  
Since when was this song so outwardly suggestive? As the lyrics drip off Kaoru's tongue Maya feels her cheeks burn from the secondhand embarrassment. It's just too much! Mr. Mercury, respect, but you can't do stuff like this without a warning!

  
_"I'd like for you and I to go romancing_  
_Say the word, your wish is my command."_

  
Their eyes meet once more. Maya leaning back into her seat with sweat coating her palms, Kaoru bowing forward deeply onstage with the microphone lowered. Kaoru looks straight at Maya, and then--

  
Hey, was that a wink?

  
She launches into the next part of the song before Maya can blink, let alone process that. She waves her head. It wasn't anything, Kaoru's just really into the flirtatiousness of the song. She was winking at everybody. Not specifically her. And even if she was winking specifically at Maya what did it matter? It was just part of the act.

  
Stop thinking about it.

  
Why's she still thinking about it?

  
Kaoru is gyrating more gently now as the song winds down, and she finishes her performance with a wide flourish of both hands. A small smattering of applause seems to sate her, and she hops off the stage to come and rejoin the group. She wipes sweat off her brow with her sleeve and gives them a grin as she stands at the end of the table. "Well, what did you think? My singing voice is a little out of practice, I haven't had the pleasure of being in many musicals lately. Besides Webber's masterwork, of course."

  
"It was wonderful!" Eve replies, clapping politely. "Your voice is very nice!"

  
Maya nods and gives Kaoru a smile. As embarrassing as it could be it was honestly... really admirable that Kaoru was so willing to put herself out there in front of strangers like that. Maya wishes she were more willing to do the same. But she's absolutely not that brave.

  
"Maya, you wanna join me for a duet next?" Hanne looks at her with excitement as she asks the question and Eve scoots over to join her. "I know you said you don't usually sing, but I think your voice would fit the song I have in mind pretty well. Would you want to give it a try?"

  
"..."

  
Hanne's expression shifts and her eyebrows narrow out of disappointment, then lift as that reaction is pushed aside in favor of understanding. It stings. "Don't feel pressured into it. It's totally up to you, Maya."

  
"I'll think about it." She'd like to, sure, but it's just too much. Maya isn't Kaoru or Chisato or Eve. Her face, her voice, they belong backstage. Especially these days. But it's rude to decline when she's asked so directly... She opens her mouth to reply.

  
"Perhaps I could join you instead?"

  
Chisato offers the suggestion before Maya can get a word out. Maya stares at her for a moment, but her gaze is on Hanne so Chisato doesn't see the thankful look she gives her. Hanne looks confused but nods and the two set off to the stage together, Hanne clearing a path through the crowd as she leads the way.

  
Someone bumps into Maya's seat from behind and sends it wobbling forward before she quickly reaches out and grabs the table to hold herself steady. She looks back as her heart races to see that the man who did it didn't seem to even notice, an empty glass in his hand as he belly laughs along to a friend's joke. It's such a small thing. But the adrenaline of it turns her stomach.

  
She wants to watch Chisato and Hanne sing... but now the music is getting louder, and so is the man right behind her, and lights are really sharp and the smell of alcohol in the air is starting to sink in and Maya needs to--

  
"I'm gonna get some fresh air," she croaks out and stands abruptly, shuffling past Kaoru's seat as she makes for the exit. Kaoru looks at her with concern in her eyes and Maya doesn't meet them.

  
"Is everything all right, kitten?"

  
"Huhehe, yeah, yeah, it's fine. I just need to get out for a second." She walks faster, and from the lack of the sound of a chair moving out Kaoru doesn't get up to follow her.

  
She makes it out the door before she takes a long breath. Blinking, she braces herself from the strong breeze and looks around before deciding to walk a bit down the street. She takes refuge around the corner by the side of the bar. It's loud out here as well, plenty of people walking the streets in groups this close to the airport, but she can handle it better in the open air. Most of it is drowned out by the rumble of passing trams.

  
Inhale, pause, exhale. Focus on that. Maya slumps back against the brick wall, stabilizing her breaths as she looks up to the cloudy gray sky. 

  
Ahh, she's really just a coward, isn't she?

  
Maya balls her hand up into a fist and lightly slams it into the brick behind her, immediately regretting the impulsive action as it smarts from the impact. She holds her hand up and winces as she stares at it.

  
Everybody's doing their best to include her and give her opportunities to build up her confidence. She can tell they're trying hard to help. But it hurts to know that she still needs that sort of help after all this time, after so many years. It's like nothing's changed about her at all. Standing still as the world turns around her...

  
She's so goddamn tired of it.

  
"...Maya?"

  
Eve's voice isn't as surprising as it should be, Maya half-expected either her or Kaoru to follow. They're both like that. If anything, Kaoru probably encouraged Eve to come so they'd have a moment alone. Maya turns to give Eve a weak smile, hoping her gratefulness comes through in it. It's the least she can do.

  
"Hey."

  
Eve shuffles up beside her, leaning against the same wall and staring at the same gray sky. Her eyes are so bright and unclouded... Maya wonders what Eve sees in it that she doesn't. But it is her home, so perhaps it's normal that she'll have a different perspective.

  
Then Eve's eyes are on her. "Maya, do you know why I moved to Japan in the first place?"

  
The question catches her so off-guard, Maya can only gape at her. Eve smiles as though she expected that sort of reaction. "I don't know if I ever said it, really. But it wasn't a special reason. I wasn't as fascinated by Japanese culture before moving, I only started to read more about it after I arrived. So that wasn't it."

  
"Why, then?" Maya asks quietly.

  
"I just wanted to push myself!" Eve replies with a grin, eyes turned back to the sky. "Venturing out into a new place and discovering how it would affect me, change me, it's such a romantic idea. Don't you think?"

  
It is. Maya can't help but think it's a reckless concept, too, but maybe that was part of the point. Would it work if not for the recklessness of it? But before she can get lost in her thoughts she has another question she wants to ask. "Then, um... why'd you come back?"

  
"Because home is comforting, even if the idea of going out into the world has its appeal. Sometimes it's okay to go back to the place you feel most comfortable in." Eve scoots a little closer and glances down to her. "But other times, it's just as important to walk out into the world and get some fresh air. A samurai must take his armor off from time to time!"

  
Maya giggles. It's such an Eve way of putting it. And she's right, Maya knows it, but that doesn't mean she's comfortable being reckless herself yet...

  
"Eve," she asks as she slowly looks up and lets her eyes slip shut as she leans back, "how have you been? Really? I'm happy for you and Hanne, but I hope the way things happened didn't... I don't know. I'm just sorry, you kno--"

  
"Halt!" Eve exclaims, and Maya jumps as her eyes fly back open. Her friend's hands are on her hips firmly. "Maya, I forgive you!"

  
"What!? I mean, I--"

  
"It's too late! A warrior never takes back their word." Eve mimes tugging a zipper over her lips and flicking it away onto the street. She crosses her arms across her chest tightly and turns her chin up. The sight of it is just so... it's so Eve it hurts, it sends laughter bubbling up in Maya's chest and she lets it out in a long breath.

  
"All right. I won't bring it up again." Maya scoots closer, leans a little further, and Eve smiles. "But really, you and Hanne, I'm so happy for you. Both of you. You seem like you really love each other..."

  
"We do!" Eve says proudly. "She's busy with work a lot of the time, and I still have modeling business, but we spend all our free time at home or taking walks together. She's wonderful, so sweet and kind... she reminds me a lot of you, Maya!"

  
"Me?" Maya stares back at her. "How so?"

  
"Well, Hanne is very passionate about her work and her hobbies! I love listening to her talk about them. She's also quite knowledgable in areas that I'm not. And she's very sweet with her friends!" Every word turns up the heat on Maya's cheeks, and she's sure steam will start to spew from her ears sooner or later.

  
Then Eve turns and looks at her with a strange expression Maya's never seen on her face before. A bittersweet ember flickers behind her eyes. "And... for a while, you know, I loved you too, Maya."

  
...

  
"What?" Maya breathes.

  
"I didn't realize it until after the band split up and I came back home. That unfamiliar warm feeling I always got around you, the way I wanted you to talk on forever when you were on a topic that made you happy, it was the same thing I feel for her now." Eve smiles gently. "But that's in the past. Now I have my dear Hanne. It's just... something I felt I needed to share with you now. I felt in my chest that it was important to say while you were here with me."

  
"I didn't... I never noticed..." She doesn't know what to say, let alone how to feel. Was Eve just trying to make her feel better about herself? No, she would never lie to accomplish that, not unless she'd changed even more drastically than Maya had over the years.

  
"Neither did I," Eve says with a giggle. "I suppose neither of us are very observant in the end. But that's okay. Our time together then is precious to me. Even if I could go back I know I wouldn't change a thing."

  
"..." Maya can't find the words, but Eve's calm silence tells her she doesn't need to. She follows her friend's lead and turns her gaze to the sky as she tries to catch her breath. Inhale, pause, exhale. Let the thoughts settle as her mind rests.

  
...

  
...Eve loved her, even if only for a time.

  
It feels like too vast of a thing to process, like a mountain shrouded in mist and worn by the passage of time. Eve had loved her. Still did love her, she corrected herself, just in a different way now. But did Maya have the same romantic feelings back then...? She couldn't say. The thought of being loved in that way felt impossible to the point of absurdity, so any concept of her loving someone else was discarded along with it. Someone like her wasn't meant for that.

  
But she was loved and she didn't even know it. She could have loved in return if she had allowed herself to.

  
How does she feel about that, how is she supposed to feel? Everything she can think of tells her that it should feel heart-wrenchingly sad. But as Maya considers the happy life Eve has now, she can't bring herself to feel anything other than a quiet, fragile sense of peace herself. 

  
Maybe in another life they could have been together. But in this one, having Eve by her side in this moment and watching the sky with her is enough.

  
The clouds are starting to look a little different. No longer just a flat slate of gray, Maya watches as they shift and intersect with each other as slivers of a clear blue wait on the other side for a fleeting opportunity to slip through into view.

  
"Maya."

  
"Yeah?"

  
"Do you remember what I said about pushing yourself?"

  
"Mmhmm." Maya nods as the breeze down the street brushes her hair out of her face. She clenches her hand into a fist once more, not out of frustration this time but to bolster herself. She knows what's coming next and she knows in her gut how she should respond. It's just hard.

  
Eve holds out her hand. "Would you like to come sing with me?"

  
"...If I get to pick the song."

  
"Deal!"

* * *

The smell is still there as Maya takes the small set of steps up to the stage, peering out at the crowd and fighting back the urge to shrink back down and hide. Eve's right behind her, so that's not an option. She can't figure out if she's grateful for that or not yet.

  
But thankfully it's not like one of their old concerts, really. The scruffy, nerdy Japanese girl getting ready for karaoke is the last thing most of these people are concerned about, it's still a bar after all and many are content to sip their drinks and laugh with their friends without so much as a glance at the supposed center of entertainment. That makes it a little easier. The makeup still tickles on her face under the hot lights.

  
Eve follows to stand beside her with hands clasped together and watches her expectantly. Maya sends a pitiful look her way but Eve only smiles back, and eventually Maya reaches out to grab the mic with a trembling hand. "Uh, hey... huhehe..."

  
No response, of course, probably because she can count the number of Japanese-speaking people in the room on one hand. Chisato gives her a merciful nod.

  
"I'm Maya and this is my friend Eve, we're gonna be singing a song most of you probably don't know... er, 'cause it's in Japanese. It's one that means a lot to me. Hope you like it." She steps back and pauses as Eve raises her own mic and repeats her words in Finnish, drawing a bit more attention from their audience.

  
It was a hassle getting the song set up, and the projector wouldn't be showing lyrics. But they both knew the words by heart anyway. And Eve had an instrumental edit saved.

  
It starts up from the speakers now, a jovial drumbeat. Her own drumbeat. It's like hearing her heart restart in her chest. And then Eve's keys kick in alongside it, and the canned trumpet track starts. It's time. Eve steps forward and sings first, taking Aya's place.

  
_"Why is it…?_  
_This tingling in my heart is making me want to cry,_  
_The conclusion is a question mark."_

  
Maya takes a breath, screws her eyes shut, and--

  
_"Why is that?_  
_I blame the me that couldn’t become dazzling,_  
_And compare my ideal with reality."_

  
It's astonishing how easy the words fall from her lips even after all this time. Maya opens her eyes but does her best to not focus on the crowd as people begin to turn at the novelty of two strange women singing an idol pop song, she looks past them. To their table where Kaoru, Chisato, and Hanne are all watching.

  
The microphone is heavy in her hand and she hopes it won't slip from her grasp as her voice mingles with Eve's for the leadup to the chorus.

  
_"FuriFuriFura, like a cutesy girl."_

  
_"I don’t want half measures!"_

  
_"I will--"_

  
_"With me--"_

  
_"Grab on!"_

  
And then Eve grabs her free hand tightly and spins around the stage with her in tow, Maya stumbles trying to keep up but she can't wipe the stupid grin off her face as they cry out the rest of the song back and forth together in a rowdy sort of harmony--

  
_"Gyuuuuu!_  
_Gyuu-DAYS, Gyuu-DAYS,_  
_With my feelings, Gyuu-DAYS, Gyuu-DAYS!_  
_I myself will open these heavy doors!_  
_Everyone will Gyuu-DAYS, Gyuu-DAYS,_  
_I love you, Gyuu-DAYS!"_

  
_"Let's stay ourselves,"_ Maya sings as loud as she can.

  
_"Puff your chest out!"_ is Eve's heartfelt reply.

  
_"My heart is being filled to the brim,_  
_GyuuDAYS, GyuuDAYS!"_

  
This is...

  
The rest of the crowd may as well be gone and blasted from existence, there's nothing left but Maya and Eve and their friends watching them spin and laugh and sing their hearts out. There's nothing except the song. It's--it's so fun! It's exhilarating, her heart pounds as the lights burn. The world spins faster. Eve squeezes her hands tighter, and her smile could eclipse the sun.

  
Maya pushed the good memories away along with the bad over the years, and she realizes now that at some point she forgot how fun it was to sing along.

  
Eventually the last notes of the song echo through the hall, and a handful of especially far gone patrons break out into applause. Their friends clap along too as Maya and Eve hurry off-stage for the next performer to head up. Hanne rushes up to Eve and takes her hands with a sparkle in her eyes.

  
"Eve, that was so cute! I've never heard you sing anything like that before!" Hanne's gaze moves to Maya, then flicks back to Chisato where she sits at the table. Maya can tell she's got a question waiting to slip out. "Was it... one of your songs?"

  
Eve nods proudly. "I only hope I did Aya justice with it..." she says with a bit of worry in her voice, and Maya is quick to stop that in its tracks.

  
"You were fantastic! I'm sure she would have been proud."

  
Eve smiles as her cheeks heat up from the praise coming from both sides. She lifts Hanne's hands up to hold them more easily as Hanne looks Maya's way again. "You did wonderfully as well, Maya, don't sell yourself short! You two looked like real idols."

  
"Huhehe... maybe Eve, I don't know about me..." Maya scratches the back of her neck bashfully.

  
Hanne and Eve look like they're about to mercilessly gang up on her for saying that, but before they can pounce Kaoru steps in. "It's getting a bit late, isn't it? Perhaps we should head back to your place for the night, Eve. Maya's looking a bit tired."

  
And Maya is, though she didn't realize it until Kaoru pointed it out. Singing took a lot out of her. Maybe more than drumming ever did, though that took much more effort. It was more a psychological effect than a physical one. Whatever the cause the fatigue is apparent.

  
"Ah, yes, of course!" Eve replies. "Let's head out now if we're ready."

  
Maya nods as Chisato gives her assent as well, but before she takes a step towards the door Kaoru extends her arm. Their eyes meet. "You came to my aid at the airport," Kaoru says with some conviction, "and I won't let a favor from a sweet maiden go unrepaid."

  
The faint sound of a scoff can be heard as Chisato walks between the two of them to join Eve and Hanne at the door. Maya giggles and reluctantly reaches out to take the offered help. "Thank you."

* * *

The car ride back to Eve's place is quiet. Thankfully, Eve and Hanne have a minivan--are they planning on adopting children eventually? Probably, considering what she's seen of their relationship, but Maya didn't really have the courage to ask directly about it. Whatever the reason was it meant all five of them could fit in the car without anyone accidentally crushing Chisato over the course of the trip.

  
In the back seat along with Eve, Maya sinks down into the cushions and lets out a long breath.

  
She sneaks a glance over to the passenger seat next to Hanne. Kaoru is staring out the window watching Finland go by as they drive along. Maya can just barely see her face reflected against the window, and as she cranks it down a bit her purple hair flutters freely in the wind. Kaoru is so beautiful in these quiet moments... the new environment suits her. Maya can easily imagine her riding a horse through the fields, perhaps wearing a puffy white dress shirt as she does, and she's almost too sleepy to stifle a giggle at the thought.

  
Maya's gotta get these thoughts out so she can rest. She knows one way to do that. "Hey, you mind if I put some music on?"

  
Hanne gives her a thumbs up and tosses the aux cord back to her. Maya sleepily scrolls through her saved albums until she hits on it. Sanzameku. A powerful track but one that always felt comforting... and more importantly, this song was always one of Eve's favorites. She hits play and leans back as the music begins over the car's speakers.

  
_Even the color I’ve lost_  
_Is held firmly by this hand of mine,_  
_And because I’ll leave my hesitation behind_  
_Don’t simply come and call me..._

  
Maya feels her eyelids start to droop, and Eve must notice it too because she reaches out to take her hand comfortingly. She looks to Eve with a silent question, and as her friend squeezes her hand in reply, Maya scoots closer and rests her head on her steady shoulder. A warm sensation spreads as Chisato's coat is draped over her as a blanket from the other side.

  
The world flies by out the window as her eyes slowly fall shut.

  
_The ultramarine sky_  
_Is painted with the colors of tomorrow,_  
_Those days you heedlessly went towards… hold them, become one with them, love them._

  
The song brings back memories, but so did earlier.

  
In the moment up there in front of everyone, she really felt like a blazing, brilliant idol again. Carefree and dancing under the spotlights with her closest friends in the world. Once, every day felt like that. The memory was so sharp and clear now that she'd experienced it again. If there was a way for her to feel it again in its entirety...

  
...

  
...she'd give anything for it.

  
In the single moment before she drifts away into sleep, Maya has an idea.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _🎵 Anxious irrelevance_   
>  _I’m laughing at my own expense_   
>  _My conscience irreverent_   
>  _I'm coming to terms with my ignorance 🎵_

There's an old oscillating fan running somewhere, filling the center's main room with ambient white noise that does its very best to mask the awkward silence. Natsuki looks at her with eyes wider than the rims of Maya's glasses as they take in what she's just hesitantly explained.

  
"You want to do what?"

  
"Er..." When Maya has to try and go through it again, it really starts to sound absurd even to her. She clears her throat and starts from the beginning. "Well, when we were in Finland, I got the chance to sing in front of a crowd with one of my friends. It made me realize how much I want to do something like that again, but..." She holds her hands out. "...bigger."

  
It's been three days since she arrived back in town with Chisato and Kaoru, after a wonderful time spent with Eve and Hanne that left her with a newfound well of confidence. Enough confidence to present a concept as unexpected as this one. Something she spent a lot of time thinking about both during the trip and on the ride home--even as she tended to Kaoru's unfortunate flight-related weaknesses. It hasn't left her mind since the seed of it was first planted.

  
"Got that part loud and clear. It's the next bit that I'm struggling with." Natsuki crosses their arms but keeps the look of skepticism to a minimum.

  
Maya feels her enthusiasm start to waver under their gaze but keeps going. "Um, so what I was thinking was... once I can get everybody back together--er, that's assuming I can--we can put on another show. Like one of our old gigs, we can play all our hits and maybe even dress up in idol outfits again. A Pastel*Palettes reunion." She gulps. "And when I thought of that, the first thing that came to mind was... what better place to do it than here?"

  
Here. The center where she met up with Kaoru again, where everything started. It was fitting, wasn't it? "We could make it into a whole event, maybe even a fundraiser. One show with all proceeds going to the center."

  
Maya doesn't miss the little sparkle that enters Natsuki's eyes from that last bit.

  
"...I mean, yeah, we could use some extra funds. Upkeep of this place is steep and it's really starting to deteriorate in places. Like the flagpoles out front for one, they've been rusting up and we really need to replace 'em." Natsuki grins apologetically. "But you know that better than anybody, heh."

  
"Huhehe..." Maya casts her eyes around the room, taking it all in once again. It's somehow even messier than last time she showed up. The flyers and papers on the front desk are high enough that Natsuki could probably hide behind them if they sat in the chair and crouched a little. It's not nearly as big of a space as the venues they'd play in back in the day...

  
But there was another area they could make use of. "So, um, if this happened we'd be putting it on in the main back room. The one you usually use for meetups."

  
Maya moves to the door in question and swings it open after a giving Natsuki a hesitant glance to make sure it's okay. With the usual circle of chairs moved to the side, it's a surprisingly spacious hall. With her experience making do with the school's limited auditorium for increasingly elaborate Kaoru-centric plays she has no doubt she can set up something that will leave enough room for a crowd. Well, a small crowd.

  
Natsuki leans to peer inside. "Huh. I mean, I guess we could make it work to an extent if we really wanted to. It's just..." Their eyes flick back to Maya. "You sure your bandmates are on board for something like this?"

  
...It's a good question that Maya doesn't have a full answer for.

  
"Well, I brought it up with two of them. Chisato said she would be on board, and Eve told me she'd fly out whenever I gave the word, huhehe..." Maya scratches the back of her neck. "...But I haven't heard from Aya or Hina yet. So that's why I'm just bringing up the idea now, not trying to actually set up a date or anything. I don't want to make you agree to anything. I just wanna hear your take on it."

  
"My take?" Natsuki raises an eyebrow. "I think it's bolder than whatever I expected from you."

  
"Is that... good?"

  
They smile. "Eh, I guess we'll find out, huh?" Reaching out to mess with Maya's hair, they turn and head back to the front while Maya reaches up to self-consciously brush it out of her face. Natsuki flops down onto one of the visitor couches, stretching their legs out like a cat. They slip out of their old leather jacket and toss it over the back of the couch. They really do treat this place like a second home.

  
For a moment, Maya regrets choosing the center to be their potential host. If they end up going through with this it'll mean a lot of people coming through, it'll be difficult to keep them from messing with the place too much. She'll have to figure out ways to deal with that. Including volunteering to fully clean up afterwards, of course.

  
"Anyway, we can table all that for now," Natsuki says before pausing. "I've got something to ask you about."

  
"Eh?" Maya follows their path to the couches. She sits down carefully on the opposite seat and draws her knees close together, anxious about taking up too much space. They're the only ones here but the instinct remains.

  
Natsuki leans so far forward Maya has to lean back to keep any sense of personal space. "What's the deal with you and Kaoru?"

  
She blinks like a deer in the headlights. "What deal?"

  
"The deal. THE deal!" Natsuki's got a fire in their eyes now. "You haven't been to any of the weekly meets yet, so yeah, you wouldn't really know. She comes to all of them--except for the week before last, with Finland and all that--and when she does, you wanna know what she talks about?"

  
"...Acting?" Maya says slowly. "Her old band...?"

  
"No. Well, sure, those too, but that's not... What I'm saying is that she talks about you!" Natsuki smirks. "She won't shut up about you these days. I mean, not in a weird way or anything, she's just hopeless whenever she has you on the brain. Ah, her Maya is so brave, her Maya is growing so much, how she cares for her darling sweet lovely wonderful Maya--"

  
"She didn't say that!" Maya exclaims, almost offended by proxy at the over-the-top impersonation. "And that's not--it doesn't mean anything, we're just--we're friends! She talks about all her friends like that, doesn't she? Kaoru is just kind like that."

  
"Kaoru is just kind like that," Natsuki repeats back in a singsong tone, and Maya feels the energy leave her body. "Look, the girl is sweet, yeah, we can agree on that. But she doesn't talk about anybody else the way she talks about you these days. Cards on the table, I actually thought you were dating for a week or two from the kind of stuff she was telling me about." They lean back with their arms folded. "I hear you have nice sturdy arms, all the better for her to lean on in times of need?"

  
A furious heat explodes over Maya's face. "That--it was just common courtesy! She wasn't feeling well after the flight so I helped her walk. It's not anything weird." She'd do the same for any friend and that's the genuine truth.

  
"Kaoru seemed to see it as more than courtesy. I don't know if she even knows it, but the girl's seriously chugging down the Yamato juice right now. Hardcore."

  
"What does that even mean!?"

  
"What do you want it to mean?" Natsuki fires back. And then the fire in their eyes flickers out, replaced by a lopsided grin and a gentle wave. "Sorry. I get too into it sometimes... but really, you're sure there's nothing going on between the two of you?"

  
"I'm sure," Maya replies. She should be sure... but even with Kaoru's usual generosity it's hard to deny she's spending a whole lot of time and effort on her these days. And after the moment she shared with Eve, maybe the idea of someone loving her feels a little more realistic. But of all the people who could look at her that way... "I mean, me and Kaoru? Really?" No, the whole idea is just absurd, she can do nothing but toss it away.

  
Natsuki whistles. Their voice grows a bit softer. "She sang you a love song, come on..."

  
"She sang a love song to a bar that I happened to be inside of!" Maya crosses her arms and looks down. "Kaoru's always been flirty by nature, but she doesn't follow up on that stuff. You know that as well as I do." And then she realizes something. "Hey, how do you even know about that?"

  
"Little purple birdy talked a lot about it when you weren't around." An eyebrow raises, then lowers sharply. "Seemed to be one of the highlights of her trip. And the way she described it didn't sound like she was singing to the bar."

  
"..."

  
Her conflict must be showing on her face at this point. Natsuki stands, putting their hands on their hips and letting out a long sigh. "I'll stop, I'll stop, just stop looking so shell-shocked, okay, Maya?"

  
Maya's grateful for the reprieve, and she tilts her head down as she regains her bearings. Footsteps behind her as Natsuki moves to the back room once more, holding in the doorway for a moment before the door creaks shut. "Anyway, we can talk more about your idea later, eh? We've got an event later tonight that I've gotta get everything in order for, so I should get to it sooner rather than later."

  
"Ah, yeah, of course..." She stands, adjusting her clothes. "Thank you for hearing me out, Natsuki, I really appreciate it a lot. Even if it doesn't end up working out."

  
Friendly eyes follow Maya from behind the desk as she moves to the door. "Don't go assuming it won't right from the start, you know that's not a good way to look at anything. Look how far you've come since the first time we talked! I hope our talk then did you some good."

  
Maya giggles. "Yeah, huehehe... yeah, it did. And I'll keep that in mind."

  
Natsuki gives a wave before sinking back down under the flyers and getting into their work. "You better. And hey, if you're ever feeling comfortable enough for it, consider coming to a proper meetup sometime. With Kaoru. Maybe you'll hear her say something interesti--"

  
SLAM!

  
Maya slowly lets go of the door handle, wincing. That was louder than she expected. She sends out a silent apology to Natsuki and puts the center behind her as she leaves and walks out onto the busy street again.

  
The blinking OPEN signs that coat the window of the corner store are the first thing to draw her eye. She's got no business there today, though, so she walks past as she wipes her brow and winces. It's really starting to get warmer these days. Maya considers taking off her jacket to lessen the impact, but she's not feeling so great about her arms right now so it stays on as long as she's out in public.

  
She weaves her way through the streets as she heads towards home. The sounds of buses and cars and throngs of people, it's almost comfortable after spending a few days away from home. The jet lag is still hitting her pretty hard, though.

  
But Maya would have taken that a hundred times over if necessary. It would have been more than worth it to talk to Eve again.

  
An impulsive thought comes to mind. Maya steps out of the crowd and cranes her head over to a large screen across the side of a building across the street... no, they're not playing the same advertisement anymore. It's been a while since then, so it shouldn't come as a surprise. But she wishes she could get another glimpse of that idol all the same, even if it wasn't as pleasant a sight back then.

  
Maya takes the elevator this time. At some point while she was away, miraculously, it was actually fixed. She leans against the blank metal wall and fiddles with her phone, staring at the floor counter as it goes up, up, up...

  
With a tinny ding! and an alarming rattle, the doors slide open for her to exit. She moves down the hall and unlocks the door to her shared room, walking inside and closing it behind her. "Misaki?"

  
Nothing. She slips her shoes off, noting that Misaki's are still there, and heads inside while peering around cautiously. Careful steps through the living room and down the hall. "Heyyyy, Misaki?" Still no answer at all. But the door to her room is slightly ajar. Maya sneaks up and pushes it open just a hair.

  
Oh. Awww.

  
Misaki is curled up asleep in bed, and she's not alone. Long blue hair lies draped all across her old hoodie as the girl in her arms snuggles a bit closer to her chest, and Maya feels a dumb grin spread across her face as she quickly takes her gaze off the two lovers entwined together in their bubble. Kanon's been such a positive influence on Misaki, she's watched the way her roommate's--her friend's--mood has shifted over these last few months, growing softer and less likely to bristle at any show of affection.

  
Love has been so good for her. Just as it has been for Chisato and Moca, and for Eve and Hanne... for a moment she feels a twinge of jealousy, but drop-kicks it away as soon as she registers it's there. Haha, no, she's not allowing anything like that to worm around in her brain. Fuck that. She's got an abundance of love in her life these days.

  
Romantic love, though... but that's not really all that necessary, is it? Would she even be ready for it? And why is the vague sensory memory of Kaoru's hand on top of hers floating around in her head right now?

  
She slaps her cheeks in one smooth motion, instantly regretting the sound of it and tentatively peeking back through into the room just to make sure she didn't wake up either of the Hello Happy Veterans. She didn't, good. But seriously why was--geh, stop overthinking it, her mind's just swimming because of what Natsuki was going on about. Enough! Maya needs a good rest to clear her head.

  
She slips a record out of the box and sets it up, careful as always with the player, and turns the volume way down for Misaki's sake. Why this one in particular? Maybe it's all the talk of Kaoru's performance the other day, a subconscious push towards this artist. Or maybe Queen is just as good as people make them out to be.

  
_Funny how love is everywhere, just look and see_  
_Funny how love is anywhere you're bound to be_  
_Funny how love is every song in every key_  
_Funny how love is coming home in time for tea..._

  
Don, don, don.

  
A quiet knock at the door cuts into the song. Maya scrambles up from the couch to respond, she doesn't want either of the girls in the other room to be abruptly woken even if it's unlikely with her mystery guest's gentleness. She opens the door a crack...

  
Ah.

  
"Maya! I thought I'd come over to lend my aid, if now is a good time? I know you were planning on moving forward with your plan today." Kaoru pushes her hair out of her face in a sweeping motion as she waits patiently on the doorstep. "Is that alright?"

  
"Oh, um, of course!" Seeing her in person so soon after her mini-crisis is jarring, Maya's got to work overtime to get her jaw moving properly. "Oh, but first..." Maya leans through the threshold and whispers to her. "We've gotta try to be quiet. Misaki is, um, sleeping right now in the other room..."

  
Kaoru nods knowingly. "Understood."

  
Maya backs up and turns to head for the kitchen area as Kaoru steps in and carefully closes the door behind her. "Let me make us both something to drink, we've got coffee or tea. Maybe some tea right now?"

  
_Tomorrow comes tomorrow beings_  
_Tomorrow brings love in the shape of things_  
_That's what love is, that's what love is._

  
"Wonderful music taste as always, Maya. I love David Bowie," Kaoru says softly as she closes her eyes and puts her hands in her pockets to take in the song. Maya doesn't have the heart to correct her. She turns her gaze to the cupboard as she searches for the good tea--ah. Shit, somebody put it up on the higher shelf. She can't reach this without a stepstool and the risk of loudly bringing that out makes it an unpleasant option to consider right now.

  
She stretches her arm out as far as it can go and it's not quite enough. But Kaoru deserves the best, not the dregs of their shared dollar-store instant coffee! She hops, and her fingers brush against it just a bit before knocking it even further back. Damn it. She squints, gets ready to hop again. And then--

  
And then there's a shadow cast over her as a long arm reaches up to pluck it down for her with ease. Kaoru smiles down at her. "You can always ask for assistance, you know. What a silly kitten you can be sometimes."

  
Maya can't be blamed for the incandescent blush that bursts over her cheeks. "Ah, huhehe, Kaoru, um... sorry, you're pretty close..."

  
"Ah, so I am. I apologize." Kaoru steps away from Maya's back, the smile turning from a teasing one to something gentler. She holds out the tea in an outstretched palm and Maya takes it, cursing the way her hand shakes a bit as it brushes against Kaoru's thumb. Why's she acting so weird around her friend now? It's Natsuki's fault.

  
_Funny how love is everywhere, just look and see_  
_Funny how love is anywhere you're bound to be..._

  
The water finishes boiling as it slowly goes a bubbling frenzy and she pours it carefully into the two waiting mugs. She'll leave them here to steep properly for a few minutes, so she creeps quietly back past Misaki's door and over to the living room.

  
Kaoru stands at the window with her hands behind her back as she looks out at the view. Maya pauses in the entrance to the room as she sees her, reluctant to disturb the peace, but Kaoru notices and smiles at her welcomingly. Her smile is so gentle. It always is, but there's something special about it--or maybe there always was and it's only coming into view now, like Maya found some sort of decoder ring to read the hidden message.

  
Maya smiles back, and maybe there's a reply buried somewhere deep in her own expression too.

  
Just as she's about to step into the room--

  
DON DON DON DON DON

  
Christ, somebody's slamming on her door like the building is on fire! The smile falls away as Maya scrambles over to it as fast as she can, and as her hand hits the knob her mind races through the possibilities--it's not Kaoru, Misaki and Kanon are clearly out, she seriously doubts Natsuki or Chisato would be so frantic unless it was a serious emergency, so who--?

  
The knob turns, the door swings open wide, and right away she has her answer.

  
"Yo!" Hina cries out gleefully. "This really is your house! Crazy!"

  
"...Hina...!?" Maya whispers, and then she yelps as a hand shoots out at mach speed to clamp firmly around her wrist. "Hina, what are you--how did you--what's going on!?"

  
"Isn't it obvious?" her old friend says with a dangerous glimmer in her eyes and a sharp smile, "I'm kidnapping you!"

  
Maya can hear Kaoru's voice saying something behind her, and a loud groan comes back from Misaki's room as well, but she doesn't have time to process or react to either of them before she's yanked headlong out of the apartment and into the hall. "Yoink!" Hina exclaims, before turning on a dime and tugging Maya along with her to the stairs.

  
"Maya!?" Kaoru yells after them.

  
"Hey, what the hell is going on?" Misaki cries out blearily from the back of the apartment.

  
But all Maya can think of as she's dragged along through the hallway outside is Hina. Hina is here. Hina has an undercut now? Hina is holding her hostage with a vice grip--how'd she even find their apartment? She never replied to the email and neither did Aya, so how--

  
"Hold on tight, Maya!" her abductor says before leaping down the stairs bound by bound in a hurry, with Maya frantically trying to keep pace as she moves with her three steps at a time.

  
"Where are we going!?" Maya tries to ask as they swing out into the lobby towards the front entrance. She skids on the floor at the sharp turn they make--she didn't even have time to put her shoes back on, she's just wearing socks! Hina just glances at her before moving her gaze back ahead and shrugging.

  
"Why would I tell a hostage that information? You're funny, Maya!"

  
...This is gonna be a weird day.

* * *

Now, Maya isn't exactly experienced in the subtle arts of hostage-taking, but she's pretty sure this isn't what usually happens during something like that.

  
The elevated station is thankfully mostly empty. Less people to gawk at her and her captor as they stand side by side waiting for their train to pull up, Hina's arm out at a strange angle and her hand firmly clasped around Maya's wrist. Thank god Hina let her grab a cheap pair of sneakers on the way over or people just have another reason to stare.

  
Not that there's no staring going on. Maya can't take her eyes off of Hina.

  
In her mind, she realizes she assumed her friend would remain the same over the years--as Eve and Chisato did, more or less--but Hina, of all people, remaining static? In retrospect it's an obvious impossibility. Her signature little braids are gone, replaced by slightly longer hair that's shaved on the left side. Something about her face looks different. Softer? When they were younger, she was always surprisingly soft to hug for all the running around and back-flipping she did on a daily basis. It seems that's only become more true over the years.

  
Fingers adjust on her wrist. "Maya, you're spacing out. Your eyes are going all googly," Hina chides her, and Maya opens her mouth to--what, apologize?--before she's immediately cut off. "Wow, you really look almost the same. It's like I went back in time or something. That'd be sorta weird, though."

  
"Do I really?" Maya asks, reaching up with her free hand to fluff her hair. It's true, she hasn't really changed much about her appearance in the last few years... but that's not important right now. "Um, Hina, how'd you--"

  
"No questions yet. We gotta wait for the train to get here!" Hina says, swinging one leg back and forth, the momentum of it making Maya sway as well. "Then the Super Boppin' Interrogation can begin!"

  
"The what--!?" Maya begins, but she's cut off again, not by Hina this time but by a dull, all-encompassing rumble and then a HOOOOOOONK as a train approaches.

  
A wave of air billows out in its wake as the sheer metal bullet train pulls into the station, ruffling Maya and Hina's hair alike. Hina grins and leaps forward through the door as soon as it slides open, slithering past a few people gathered to exit. A few glare, a few more don't care. Maya moves past them, bowing repeatedly out of embarrassment, and ends up being yanked into a double seat near the back. She lets out a grunt as she hits the thin layer of padding above hard plastic.

  
Hina squirms excitedly in the seat across from hers, facing her with a dangerous expression. "All right, almost ready."

  
"For what!?"

  
"Already told you, I'm not gonna name-drop the Super Boppin' Interrogation twice. That'd be tacky." Hina pulls out her phone, thumbs flying over the keys until she stops and lowers it down to stare at Maya. "First question."

  
Maya holds her hands together in her lap tightly and looks back at her. "What's the question...? I mean, I'm happy to tell you anything, you know th--"

  
"What's your favorite color?"

  
"Green," Maya replies. And then the absurdity of it strikes her. "Why's that important?"

  
"Because it is. Next question." Hina's eyes drift around the car before focusing on her. "Do you currently live in a house or an apartment?"

  
"Apartment. Um, I've been living with Misaki for a while, and... wait, we were just there? You already know I live in an apartment." Maya can feel her brow furrowing out of confusion. The city flies by outside the window in a blur. What direction are they even going in right now? Where's Hina taking her?

  
"Are you seeing anyone?"

  
"I don't know," Maya says, and then she chokes. "Geh! Ah, no, no, noIamnotseeinganyone! I'm not seeing anybody right now." Damn you, Natsuki, why'd you have to say all that stuff about Kaoru out of nowhere, now she's just--

  
Hina stops her freefall with a stream of words. "Two trains are on the same track a distance 100 kilometers apart heading towards one another, each at a speed of 50 kilometers per hour. A fly starting out at the front of one train flies towards the other at a speed of 75 kilometers per hour. Upon reaching the other train, the fly turns around and continues towards the first train. When do the two trains meet?"

  
"..." Maya wills her brain to stop flying around in every direction to focus on the problem. If they're 100 kilometers apart at the start, then, um... "Hey, why is this part of--"

  
"They meet right now!" Hina exclaims as the train's doors slide open. Her hand darts out to grab Maya's wrist again and she tugs up her up to her feet, launching the two of them out through the doors just in time. She runs across the platform with Maya barely keeping up and sends the two of them hurtling into a different train on the other side just before the doors close.

  
Maya stumbles, doing her best to stay upright. "Hina, what--why did we have to switch over?"

  
"I'm the one asking the questions here, perp!" Hina chirps back in a voice that could never belong to a police officer in a hundred years.

  
"...Can we at least take a rest...?"

  
"Ah yeah, sure!" Hina leads her over to an open pair of seats, several passengers scooting out of their way out of a desire to not get involved in whatever the hell's going on with the two of them. Maya flops down into her seat and sighs as Hina reclines into hers as well.

  
"Next question," Hina starts with an intent, curious gaze, "if you could have any superpower, what would you pick?"

  
"...Invisibility?"

  
"Not on the list."

  
Maya leans her head back confusedly. "But you said any?"

  
"Figure of speech!" Hina waves her hands dismissively and grins. "Gimme another choice and I'll tell you if it works."

  
If that's not an option, then... "Shape-shifting? I guess."

  
Hina glances to her phone then looks back up with a grin. "Gotcha! Next question. What's your favorite Pastel*Palettes song?"

  
"..."

  
What is her favorite? Does she have one?

  
It's been so long since she allowed herself to really think about their music in detail, only recently has she been considering it at all and even then she can't bring herself to listen to much of it unless someone else is there with her--like Eve at the karaoke bar, or Chisato the other day when they were going through some old CDs and brainstorming a possible set list for the mini-concert.

  
Shuwarin Dreamin', Pasupa Revolutions, Wonderland Girl, Luminous Once More, every single track in their discography has a place in her heart. They poured their hearts into performing those singles without a thought to the way they'd be snapped up by the maw of the industry and digested in a moment as soon as they were finished.

  
But if she has to pick just one out of all of them, then the one with the most personal significance to her--especially with the most recent memory she has of it--has to be... "GyuuDAYS."

  
"Loud 'n clear," Hina replies. "Do you wear glasses?"

  
"Wh--" Maya reaches up to fiddle with her frames and make sure they're still there. "Yes...? Hina, I'm wearing them right now!"

  
"Ah, cool!" She continues to tap away on her phone as Maya watches, and eventually a grin pops onto her face as her eyes sparkle. Hina flips the phone around and shoves the screen towards Maya's face. "The Super Boppin' Interrogation is a success! Check it out!"

  
Maya carefully takes the phone and stares at what Hina was so excited to show her.

  
The top of the page says, in bold text, WHICH PASTEL PALLETS MEMBER R YOU? Underneath that, a results screen unfolds at the end of the user-made quiz. _You are Maya Yamato!_ it says plainly, with a jpeg-artifacted image of her underneath taken before one of their shows. She remembers getting that picture taken. The memory takes the breath from her lungs as she--

  
\--squints, the lights are bright and the makeup on her face feels almost suffocating but Chisato helped her apply it that time so she can't move her hand up and brush her itchy face or she'll ruin all her hard work and everyone'll be upset with her and the man holding the camera is still waiting for her to smile--

  
"Maya?"

  
Hina's voice jerks her out of the flashback sharply. Maya shakes her head and meets Hina's gaze. Her friend nods down to the phone where it waits in Maya's hand, inviting her to read on. She does.

  
_You are Maya Yamato!_

_Instrument: Drums_  
_Image Color: Green_  
_CatchPhrase: "Hooheehee!"_

_You are smart and resourceful! Your friends probably rely on you a lot because of your knowledge and reliablety. You have a funny laugh and are probably really pretty too! You are kind of quiet and you should try to speak up more and be more confident. Maya is really cool, and so are you!_  
_Thank you for taking my 1st quiz! I love all the girls in Pastel pallets and I hope you do too!_

  
She feels a shaky smile spread as she reads it over again. Is this what their fans thought of her back in the day? She checks the date posted--yeah, where'd Hina even find this? The kid who made it is probably in college now. It's really funny.

  
A raindrop falls onto the screen. How's it raining inside of a train car?

  
Maya quickly jerks her head to the side and pretends as if she's looking out the window as she hands the phone back out for Hina to take. "Is... um, is that why you were asking all those questions, Hina?"

  
"Had to make sure it was you!" Hina replies matter-of-factly. Maya wonders what would have happened if she got Eve or something as her result, and her smile twists up a bit further at the end. She reaches a hand up to her nose and sniffles, then when she's ready she turns back to Hina.

  
"Can I ask a couple questions of my own now?" she asks. "Call it, um... my Super... Yamato Test." Interrogation felt like far too harsh of a word to use.

  
Hina giggles wildly. "Maya, you're too funny! That's such a dumb name!"

  
Maya tries to not be offended by that. Instead, she clears her throat and her mind with it. What does she need to ask first? The question is obvious, and she looks Hina in the eye when she asks it. "How'd you find my apartment? And why didn't you message me back if you were gonna come anyway?"

  
"Cheating already, that's two questions," Hina replies. "So I'll just answer the first one. I overheard Aya on the phone with Kanon, and she said something that sounded like she knew where you were, so later I shoobity swiped Aya's phone and texted Kanon about it pretending to be her. And I told her to keep it top secret."

  
Kanon! The most unlikely of traitors. Maya doesn't have it in her to feel anything other than a relief as she writes off the possibility of Hina tracking her IP or anything like that. She sighs and leans back, thinking of her next question.

  
"So, um... You and Aya...?" she manages to get out.

  
"Not really a question," Hina replies with a finger to her chin. "But yeah! We stuck together into college and she let me start kissing her after a while. And then a year or so after that we started dating!" She wiggles in place, and if it were a cartoon Maya was sure little hearts would be floating around her head. "Ahh, she makes me just--whooshidy every day! Babababam! I'm never bored with her." Her fingers flex out and retract as she leans back and smiles widely.

  
Maya smiles with her. "I'm glad you two stayed together..." And then a prick pierces her chest. "...and I'm sorry I didn't stay myself... um, Hina, I--"

  
"No time for that, let's go!" Hina leaps up from her seat and grabs Maya yet again as she swings around towards the door, pulling her over to it as the train pulls into another seemingly random station. The door opens and she makes her move.

  
"Jesus, lady!" cries one businessman as Hina swoops around past him like a diving falcon. "How old are you!?"

  
"Old enough to know better, and I'm not a lady!" Hina yells back before giving Maya a tug. "Let's go!"

  
She has no option but to comply. At this point, Maya doesn't even know what city they're in. She doesn't get a chance to look at the sign before they're flying through another crowded doorway, and this time it's getting into rush hour. In the crush of passengers there's not an empty seat to be found, they'll have to stretch up and hold the bar this time.

  
So she does. It's cold against her palm. "Hina," Maya pants breathlessly, "why do we have to keep switching trains? We're just going all around in circles... where are we even going?"

  
"You know in crime shows when the bad guys have somebody with them and they need to go to their hideout together, so they put a sack on their head so they don't see where they're going, but just in case that's not enough they also drive around a whole bunch so the hostage can't remember what direction they went in on the way there?"

  
"...I...guess, yeah...?"

  
Hina nods as if that settles it. "I couldn't find a decent sack on such short notice, though, but it's okay. Anyway, we're going to my place."

  
"Ah, I see." Maya blinks. "Your place. Is that--do you and Aya have an apartment, or...?"

  
"Is that the next question on the Super Yamato Test?" Hina replies entirely seriously, but her eyes are merciless in their teasing as she stares at Maya. The train shakes as it makes a tight corner, and Maya has to hold on a bit tighter.

  
"...No," Maya says after a moment, "I mean, if I'm finding out soon anyway I guess I won't use a question slot on it?"

  
"You're getting better at this!" Hina giggles. "What's your real next question for me then? Tell me, tell me!"

  
Maya bites her lip as she thinks. What's the most important thing she can ask Hina right now... should she just flat out ask for forgiveness? No, Hina would only laugh and call her boring. No use worrying about it right now. So what should she ask about instead? For a moment, she considers bringing up her plan for a Pastel*Palettes reunion show... but no, it's way too early for that. So she looks a bit deeper.

  
"...Was Aya mad?"

  
"Sometimes. When specifically?"

  
"When I... left."

  
"..." Hina thinks about it for a while as the train rattles and creaks. "I don't know if she was mad. I mean, I have trouble telling what people are feeling on the inside and stuff, so maybe she was? But I could tell she definitely wasn't feelin' so zippity for a while after." She looks up with bright eyes. "But hey, you can ask her about it when we get there!"

  
"I see," Maya says faintly, a cold feeling settling down inside her. Logically of course she always knew that Aya, of all people, would have taken it hard. But actually hearing it feels like there's somebody reaching into her chest and squeezing hard.

  
"Maya? Got another one?"

  
"Ah, um..." Maya taps her foot and does her best to focus. "...were you, Hina?"

  
"Was I what?"

  
"Mad at me. When all that stuff happened."

  
"Nah." Hina reaches her other hand up to grab hold of the bar, and for a moment Maya worries she's going to start swinging from it like a monkey. "The band wasn't gonna last forever anyway. But those scummy reporters all said such nasty stuff about you! I wanted to beat some of them up but Chisato said no. I guess at that point we weren't sure if the band was breaking up or not? But it was kinda obvious."

  
Maya laughs weakly, and closes her eyes to rest and check another fear off the list. "I kinda wish you did." She didn't bite the comment back in time. Her eyes open again worriedly as she backtracks. "Ah, um, not that I usually condone violence or anything--"

  
"It's okay! I do!" Hina replies cheerily. "I can just condone it for you. Don't even worry about it."

  
"Thanks," Maya says. And then she giggles. "Huehehe, really... thank you, Hina."

  
She cocks her head to the side. "For what?"

  
"Being..." Maya gestures to her with her free hand. "...you. Even after so long it feels like nothing's changed at all. You're the same old Hina I remember."

  
"Plenty's changed, though!" Hina reaches up to ruffle her hair--or at least the side of her head that still has hair--and does a little twirl, despite the rocking of the train. "Stuff's always changing! If it wasn't, it wouldn't be nearly as fun. Every day I wake up as a new Hina, and then tomorrow another! A she Hina or a he Hina or a they Hina or whatever else. Endless Hina Hikawas for endless shiny days. Isn't that the most boppin' thing you can think of?"

  
...

  
The train isn't loud enough to mask the sound of blood pumping in her ears.

  
"...Hina, did you say...?"

  
Hina nods. "Mmhmm. Ah, don't worry! Today's a she Hina kind of day." She does a little pose with a grin, but starts to wobble around as the train moves and quickly grabs back onto the bar before she can tip over.

  
Maya stares blankly, brain firing off connections left and right at an alarming degree. So many little things are shifted into new contexts. Is this what it felt like, when she told... Maya shakes her head, asks the question that's about to slip off her tongue. "So you're...?"

  
"Yep!"

  
"I didn't know..." Maya whispers. Her chest is tying itself in strange knots.

  
"Neither did I for a real long time!" A finger moves to her chin curiously, eyes wander to the right and up to the roof of the train. "Or maybe I kinda did but I didn't really care as much before? Aya and big sis helped me a bunch when I was trying to figure stuff out though."

  
"...Ah...Well, um, I'm glad you had them." Maya doesn't know what to say past that. For all the alienation and regret and everything that happened she wasn't even the only one in the band. It's so strange. She feels like there's a new sort of tenuous connection between herself and Hina, but nothing actually changed, did it? Only her perception. If only she knew at the time. She could have helped somehow...

  
But there was no use in thinking about that, Hina didn't even know! She's done pretty well avoiding getting mired in 'what if's so far and she's not going to stop now. Her hand is starting to cramp as she grips the bar tighter and tighter.

  
"What's got ya so broody all of a sudden?" Hina sticks her tongue out with a glare. "Not cool, keeping your feelings all cramped up. Let 'em out! I want to see them."

  
"That's not--!" Maya begins, but she doesn't know how to argue the point and she's not sure it's worth trying. She sighs. "Sorry. I'm really, really happy for you, Hina, seriously. I'm just kinda slow to adjust... you've all changed so much. I don't know how to keep up sometimes."

  
"But you've changed more than anybody?" Hina replies as if it's the most obvious thing in the world. Maya can do nothing but stare back.

  
"...How do you mean I've ch--"

  
"Oh, we gotta go!" Hina takes her hand and leaps out the open door to the platform outside. Maya feels the door almost close on her as her feet hit the concrete hard, and she hops twice forward out of the adrenaline of it. She takes in a long breath and notices Hina isn't running over to the next train.

  
"...Um, are we taking that one?"

  
"Nope!" Hina replies. "We're here!"

  
Here. It's a station Maya's never been to before, she's actually not sure what prefecture they're in at first until she wracks her brain a bit. Yeah, she's never had any reason to come around here. It's so far out of her normal route it's almost comical. So Hina and Aya were living around here the whole time...

  
"So, um, where's your place?" she asks, putting up a hand to shield her eyes as she looks around. There's a lot of apartment buildings around here. Could be any one of them, assuming that's what their living situation is like right now.

  
"Oh, it's not any of those."

  
"Ah. I see." Maya turns confusedly. "Wait, but then why did we get off here?"

  
Hina is crouched down on the platform tying her shoelaces tight. As Maya watches, she stands back up and starts doing intense stretches. "Better get ready quick, Maya, the trip's not over yet and we've got a long way to run from here!"

  
"Ehhh!?"

* * *

The Hikawa household did turn out to be an apartment after all, but in a building at least slightly nicer than the gray blocks that clustered around the station. Of course, it's just Maya's luck that they live six floors up and Hina Hikawa has never taken an elevator in her life. She leans forward and lets out a gasp.

  
Her legs burn and complain as she does her best to not topple forwards. Too much running! God, way too much running these days! She's done with it. Nothing past a jog for Maya after today. It's decided.

  
"Wasn't that refreshing?" Hina asks happily as she bounces on the balls of her feet, wiping away a bit of sweat casually. It's almost inhuman how unfazed she is by the experience, but Maya can do nothing but nod weakly in reply.

  
She forces out the question that's been running through her mind since they arrived. "Is... hah... uh, is Aya home right now...?"

  
"Dunno. Let's find out!"

  
Hina reaches out before Maya can stop her and taps the doorbell with a long finger. Maya scrambles to her feet as the muffled sound of it can be heard through the wall. She does her best to stabilize her breaths, rub her eyes clear. Inhale, pause, exhale, all that, every way she knows how to prepare herself. She's ready for this. If she tells herself that it'll be true.

  
With a quiet sound, the door slowly opens.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _🎵 Can the dark side light my way out?_   
>  _Lay your hand across my face, yeah_   
>  _Time we lost, that's all my fault 🎵_
> 
> [Content warning for descriptions of panic attacks and self-hate.]

The concept of déjà vu is something Maya's spent a lot of time thinking about in recent weeks. A phenomenon related to recognition memory, causing the uncanny feeling that the subject has been in the same situation they're currently in at some point in the past--it's pretty cliché, of course, but she's read up on some interesting accounts of it online. With all the time she's spent staring into the rear view mirror these days, it fascinates her.

  
She has felt déjà vu many times in her life. She does not feel it now.

  
The person standing in the doorway staring her in the eye is definitely Aya Maruyama. She has the same deep pink eyes, the same half-confident half-anxious way of carrying herself. Her face looks almost the same, just a little older, a little more tired under her eyes. Her hair has grown out so much longer than it was back then, it's past her shoulders and completely straight. And it's--

  
"Aya, your hair...?" Maya blurts out.

  
Aya blinks. She reaches up slowly to pull a long, dark brown lock around and stare at it as if trying to figure out what Maya's talking about. "Oh. Yeah. I stopped dying it."

  
"..."

  
"...You dyed your hair?"

  
"You thought I had natural pink ha--" Aya stops, a shuddering intake of breath cutting off the end of her sentence and making her choke. Maya is about to move forward and do something to help but Hina is, as always, a couple steps ahead of her. She wraps around Aya's arm tight like a boa constrictor and slaps her on the back hard enough for Maya to wince. It looks like it should have hurt, but from the way Aya's eyes focus and her breaths slow it seems to have done the trick.

  
Maya should say something. She doesn't know how.

  
"...Maya..." Aya says so quietly Maya can barely hear her. She's not frowning but she's not smiling, it's like her face is figuring out which direction to go in--two paths diverge in a wood and she fights through the underbrush in the center. "Where were you?"

  
"...An apartment. With a friend. Uh, it's over--"

  
"Were you okay?" comes Aya's next question, more a deep sob than anything else. Maya can feel her heart slow down as she sees Aya's face go through five, ten different stages, and settle on a mask of repressed emotion. "Were you--Maya, we had no idea where you were, or if you... if something..."

  
She trails off. Maya doesn't know how to respond, so it's a good thing Hina throws herself in the way before she can try. "Hey, let's head inside, huh? It's hot out here! Me and Maya are sweating all over the place."

  
"Ah," Aya says, "of course. Um. Come inside, I'll... I can make tea or something..."

  
"I left my tea at the apartment," Maya mumbles out clumsily as she realizes that she did in fact do that, and for a moment she hopes Misaki drank it or something before realizing she said the first part out loud. She coughs. "Ah. Um, huhehe, sorry, I don't want to impose out of nowhere..."

  
But Aya's already on the way inside, and Hina's right behind her. Maya leans forward through the doorway slowly and a bit reluctantly before stepping over the threshold. She closes the door behind her and takes a look around at the Hikawa household.

  
It's less chaotic than whatever she expected. A one-bedroom studio seems to suit their lifestyle well, and they don't have all that much furniture in the living room. Just a decent couch, a simple coffee table--covered in mug-sized stains that she knows the source of right away, Hina Hikawa has never used a coaster in her life--and a few bookshelves.

  
They're lined with all sorts of things. Some flowery romance manga she recognizes from her occasional, brief visits to Aya's childhood room. Dusty old notebooks and pristine new ones. And carefully framed photographs of Aya and Hina with friends and relatives. As she walks to an open seat she spots one of the pair together in hiking gear, wind ruffling Aya's brown hair and blowing it into her face. They're together with a tall woman she recognizes as Hina's older sister, and another woman leaning on her arm--is that Tsugumi, from the jam band days? She's got a yellow daisy tucked behind her ear.

  
Hina's grin is like the sun. Aya's smiling too. She looks so different with happiness showing on her face. Maya feels a pang of regret for following Hina through the door and wiping away that peace.

  
"Whatcha lookin' at?" Hina asks from an inch away, leaning over the back of the couch and speaking directly into her ear. Maya jumps in place, but grabs her knees and steadies herself as soon as she can tell it's just her friend.

  
"Um, I was looking at the pictures..."

  
"Ohhh, we've got some real boppin' ones if you want to see!" Hina says with a devilish glint in her eye. "Even some pics from when Aya was a baby! She doesn't know I kept them but you can totally look at them if you want. Lemme get the album!"

  
Before Maya can reply she's out of the living room in a flash, heading to the bedroom down the hall. She can hear some chaotic rustling noises. It sounds like their room may be much less organized than the front of the apartment is... which sort of fits the two of them in an odd way?

  
But she only gets a moment to focus on that before Aya walks in with a tray of mugs in her hands.

  
She leans forward to set them down on the coffee table, and Maya doesn't miss the way her hands shake, the way the cups rattle a bit on on the tray and just barely avoid spilling their contents all over the place. The tea smells good. Some sort of citrus blend. It's better than what Maya has potentially still steeping back at her own apartment.

  
Aya isn't talking. She looks like she wants to, though, from the way her fingers curl to clench her knees and the way her jaw is set, how her eyes search for a place they can look that isn't at Maya. They settle on a place over her shoulder near the photographs.

  
Maya needs something to clear her throat. Thankfully, there's a convenient mug full of scalding hot tea she can use. She raises it to her lips carefully and takes a sip.

  
"Maya, I--"

  
"Gaaaach!" Maya lets out a hacking cough as the hot liquid goes down the wrong way. "Mm, ah, fuck, sorry--" She sets the cup down as carefully and quickly as she can so she has free hands to hold her mouth with and brush away the droplets that escaped onto her chin. Idiot.

  
Aya's on her feet with concern in her eyes. Her hands hover in the air between them--she wants to help, but she's quickly realizing that she can't. So she sits back down slowly as Maya stabilizes and cleans herself up.

  
"Sorry," Maya says as soon as she can talk properly again. "Um, what were you saying, Aya?"

  
"..." Aya's lips are set in a thin line. "Maya... I don't know what I want to ask first. But... are you okay? Have you been okay?"

  
"Yeah," Maya says, and it's mostly true. "I'm doing okay. Especially now. I've been doing some studio work, background drum lines for... commercials and stuff like that. I'm fine."

  
Aya nods slowly. "You're still in music. That makes sense. I'm glad."

  
"Yeah... and what about you?"

  
"...I don't know, I've been doing some modeling with an agency Eve got me in with but that's..." Aya shakes her head. "It's not important. I'm doing okay. Um... You know about me and Hina?" Even if Maya hadn't it would have been difficult to miss the matching silver bands the two of them wore, or the even more obvious clues that were scattered around the pair's shared (!) living space. She nods, and a small smile slips its way onto Aya's face.

  
"She's been really good to me." A frown, but with a hint of happiness in it. "Not that she doesn't still tease every chance she gets..."

  
"I'd worry if she stopped," Maya says with the ghost of a laugh coming up behind her words, and it successfully seems to lighten the tension by a rung or two. Aya covers her wavering grin with her hand.

  
"Ehehe, yeah... I really don't know what I would have done without her. She stuck with me the whole time after--" Aya stops. The grin falls into someplace deep and dark. "Er, I mean--"

  
"After I left." Maya doesn't know where she found the courage to say it so bluntly but maybe she just can't stand to see her friend dance around the issue like she's walking on hot coals. "It's okay to say it, Aya. And I... I'm so sorry. Really. I wish I could have been there for you--"

  
"You don't get to say that."

  
Maya blinks. Her mouth is dry again.

  
Aya's mouth flies shut again and her eyes widen as if in shock that the whispered words escaped, and then they narrow and grow sharper, edges pointed inward. Maya knows that look from the days of practicing they shared together. It's the same look Aya always got when she messed up the most important line, when she tripped and unplugged a power cable, when she sung her part perfectly but didn't hit the record button beforehand.

  
"I'm sorry, I didn't..." Aya whispers.

  
Before Maya can force out a reply, heavy footsteps on the carpet herald a new arrival. The Hikawa's downstairs neighbors must hate Hina with a passion, with the casual way she stomps back into the living room like a one-person herd of buffalo. 

  
"Maya, come check it out! I found it!" Hina grabs her arm like a lasso and pulls her up. She stumbles before she can catch her footing, and as soon as she does she's being yanked out of the room by Hina for the second time that day.

  
"Wha--Hina, we were...!"

  
Maya looks back to Aya, but the other woman won't meet her gaze. Her eyes are locked onto her untouched cup of tea on the table. Something about the sight makes Maya stop resisting, and Aya is soon out of view as she's dragged down the hallway.

  
...

  
At some point they must have rounded a corner into Hina and Aya's bedroom. Maya didn't notice. Her hands are trembling.

  
"You can go ahead and sit on the bed. I've gotta get it down from up here, it'll take a minute." Hina slaps the queen-size mattress with her palm. It sinks a bit under the pressure and Maya can tell it must be soft. That's quickly confirmed as she slowly takes a seat. The sheets are a deep blue, and the pillows are all white with light floral patterns.

  
Hina stands precariously on an old stepstool as she rummages around on top of a tall dresser, piled high with small knick-knacks and all sorts of random objects that she must have collected over the years. Even back in the old days, they'd find shiny rocks and toys hidden around the practice room--for safekeeping, Hina always confidently said. She must have never outgrown that mentality. That's good, isn't it?

  
...

  
What happened to Aya?

  
It's a stupid question, she knows exactly what happened and her name is Maya Yamato. Of course Aya took it the hardest. Maya's the one who took a sledgehammer to her dreams. What fucking right does Maya have to walk back in through that front door as if she's any other old friend ready to catch up and gossip over a cup of tea--

  
She holds her breath. Inhale, pause, exhale. Stop it. Not a useful thought and not a productive one. Not you. Stop listening to it so you can think properly because if you can't think then you can't apologize and god does Aya deserve the best apology she can muster up.

  
...

  
...She really, truly fucked up. It's not exactly news at this point but with all the positive--though still awkward--receptions she's been getting maybe she forgot somewhere along the way. That's why she didn't prepare herself properly for this.

  
"Got it!"

  
Hina sets 'it' down onto the table and squats down right next to Maya, opening the thick photo album's front cover--bright baby-pink and labeled AYA (0-8)--before flipping through the wide pages. She has a sparkling focus in her eyes like she's looking for something and she eventually finds it. "Look, look! This one's my favorite! Isn't Aya so cute and swooshidy here? She's too small!"

  
Her finger's tapping quickly on a small picture off to the side of the rest on the page. It's almost an afterthought, probably because it's blurry compared to the rest, only kept for completionism's sake. Maya leans in and adjusts her glasses to see it.

  
Aya Maruyama, age 7. Hina's right, she's too small, like someone took the Aya she knew as a teen and shrunk her down. Her hair is brown here and it's closer to the length she kept up during their time as idols. But that's not to say there's no pink going on, in fact there's pink in abundance. She's wearing what seems to be a homemade idol dress, complete with a spoon used as a microphone, and even some stuffed animals gathered to play her adoring fans. Bears, rabbits, dogs, cats. All sorts of creatures arranged around her.

  
She may be smaller, but her smile makes up for it. Maya has only ever seen Aya smile that widely while on stage.

  
"She's really cute..." Maya says softly as her eyes wander the page. All the photos here were taken around the same time frame showing her at the same age, all of them have a similar framing and theme, but she understands why Hina chose that one in particular despite its poor quality.

  
Aya looks fearless in it. In all the rest there's some element of bashfulness, surprise, in a couple she's just flat out crying--yeah, this is definitely Aya--but in the one Hina seemingly arbitrarily chose as her favorite she has nothing in her eyes but pure joy and confidence. She's addressing her crowd with gusto, holding her arm out in an imitation of an idol's flourishes on stage that shows how much she must have already loved watching them even at such a young age.

  
She turns to her friend. "You love Aya a lot, don't you, Hina?"

  
Hina nods excitedly. "More every day! It's like as soon as I think there's nothing left for me to find out a whole new Aya pops into view. I could just look at her forever and ever like a kaleidoscope full of boppin' colors and patterns--that's love, right?"

  
"I think so," Maya replies, and Hina nods as if reassured of something she already knew.

  
"It's definitely love! And I'm so full of it I could just explode!"

  
So that's what Hina considers love to be. It's interesting--if given the chance Maya wouldn't have come to that definition. She's not sure what conclusion she would come to, since love isn't something she's really had a reason to think about--until recently, and will the image of Natsuki leaning forward towards her PLEASE stop popping up--but it's interesting to hear Hina's perspective, as offbeat as all of her viewpoints tended to be.

  
Could Maya look at someone else forever and never get bored? She's not sure. Everyone's pretty equally interesting to her, though, finding out other's quirks is fun. It's like noticing the minute skips and flaws in a vinyl record through repeated listenings. But someone with enough aspects for her to remain interested forever, regardless of how close she looked and how much she was allowed to see... did they exist?

  
And could someone look at her like that?

  
A question that can't find much of a foothold in her mind, because it's already been answered; Eve already has. But then the question shifts: has she changed to the point that it would become unlikely to happen again? She doesn't think she's changed much. But Hina seems to think otherwise, and she's probably one of the smartest people Maya knows, so...

  
"Hey, Hina," she says slowly, fidgeting with her glasses for something to focus on so she doesn't get too embarrassed. "On the train earlier, what did you mean when you said I changed more than anybody?"

  
"I dunno."

  
Maya leans away from her as she stares back at Hina's dopey grin. "You don't know!?"

  
"Just seemed like it was true, so I said it!" Hina nods as if that makes the slightest amount of sense and after a moment Maya decides to think that it does. Hina's intuition was always good, so there's probably a bit of truth in there somewhere. It doesn't exactly help, though. But if that's the case it's... not worth worrying over too much right now.

  
Hina's hand flies out to flip through three more pages, finger alighting on another old photograph. "Oh, oh! This is another of my favorites. Check it out, this is from when Aya was--"

  
SLAM

  
Maya jumps in her seat. Hina stretches up and cranes over her to look down out the bedroom door and down the hallway. She realizes the loud noise's source at the same time Hina does. "That was the door, huh?"

  
Oh no.

  
Scrambling to her feet quickly, Maya rounds the corner and runs down the hallway to the front end of the apartment. The door is closed, but not locked. She searches the area for what she already knows she's going to see. There are only two pairs of sneakers in the cubby by the side of the doorway. Hers and Hina's. Aya's shoes are gone.

  
"Did Aya leave?" Hina asks as she comes up behind her unhurriedly with the photo album in her arms. She sets it down on the coffee table as she takes in the scene. "Weird, I wonder why she was in such a hurry."

  
"...Because she didn't want to see me," Maya says, and saying it out loud so simply feels like expelling poison from a snakebite. A self-inflicted wound. It was so... so ridiculously selfish, so horribly optimistic to expect to just come out of nowhere and slither back into Aya's life like nothing happened, wasn't it? Even if the others so far could handle it she still has the potential to be venomous. She should--what should she--

  
"Well, I hope you're still limber from earlier," Hina says so casually it knocks Maya right out of her tailspin and into a new one. "Aya can walk pretty fast when she wants to. We're gonna have to split up if we want to catch her."

  
"We... you want to go after her?"

  
Hina looks at her like she's the biggest dummy on the planet. "Yeah. What, are we just gonna let her run off blindly? She'll get lost."

  
"That's--!" Maya cries out, and then she realizes how much her head hurts. "Hina, no. If she doesn't want to see me I don't have any right to go looking for her. She clearly wants to be alone right now."

  
"It's fine. She probably just got all, you know--" Hina claps her hands to her chest and flaps them around. "--floofidy and shitty in here and stuff, it happens. We just need to help her come back down! And we can only do that if we hunt her first."

  
"Hunt her?" Maya replies, only growing more upset. "Hina, why are you still acting so--she's so scared of me she actually ran off, and you want to send me right back at her? Just--" Her fingernails dig into her palm. "What the hell?"

  
Hina gets a faraway look in her eyes, then she turns back to stare pointedly towards their room at the back of the house. Her jaw sets. "Lemme get the ropes."

  
"Ropes!?"

  
"It's a joke!" Hina giggles as Maya glares and bites her tongue. "Don't think so much about it. She wants us to go find her, I'm sure. Trust me." She finishes tying her shoes and jumps to her feet, doing a few quick hops and stretches. "All right, I'm ready if you are. You go east, I go west, text me if you find her and I'll do the same if I do. Ready?"

  
"...You really think you know what you're doing?" Maya says as the anger--who was it directed towards?--melts and flows cold in her veins. "You're sure about this?"

  
Hina nods. "Let's go!"

  
Maya's teeth are starting to hurt from the way she's been clenching her jaw, and the feelings remain. But in the face of such surety she has no option but to follow her friend out the door. After all... what can she say she knows about Aya Maruyama these days?

* * *

6:20 PM. The city is intimidating at sundown.

  
The ubiquity of loud lights and bright sounds is present, sure, but it's not the same as when she lives at all. It's muted and low. Less people around and fewer places for them to go, it's all tall blocky buildings that loom up above Maya's head, their sheer sides only drawing attention when a window reflects one of the last few rays of sunlight that streak forth from behind her.

  
Maya doesn't know what she's doing. Her gaze wanders as she walks the streets, peering down small side streets and inside shop windows, occasionally stopping to squint at a face across the street before sighing and moving on.

  
A girl with brown hair is harder to spot at a distance than a pink-haired idol is.

  
The search gives her time to reflect. Aya's face is all she sees in her mind's eye, flipping between expressions like a magazine spread--the mask, the smile, the regret. Aya has always been terrible at hiding her emotions. But Maya's always been terrible at interpreting them, so the two are pretty evenly matched. Isn't that where Hina usually comes in? But Hina isn't here, so she does her best alone.

  
The first conclusion she comes to is that Aya is purely angry with her for leaving--more or less what went through her mind earlier, but tinged with less rampant self-hate, replaced by a heavy acknowledgement that it could be true. But that doesn't feel right at all, it doesn't take very long for her to discard it. When Aya is just upset she can't help but show it plainly. Like every time Hina went a little too far with a joke or every time a producer suggested Maya should be sidelined in group shots.

  
So what's next? Maya steps to the side to avoid a silent bicyclist. What else could Aya be feeling--disappointment in Maya for taking so long to come back? No, that's another one that's just being dredged up by her own feelings towards herself. Keep it in mind but don't focus on it.

  
A bus honks loudly. Maya watches it as she waits to cross the street. Even the buses are different in this area, huh? But when she looks closer she can tell it's the same model, just a different coat of paint and a few stylistic changes. The sound it makes is the same and it startles her just as easily.

  
...

  
...It's gotta just be some kind of misunderstanding with Aya, right?

  
Every other meeting so far has gone so well. Chisato, Eve, Hina, they were all ready to accept her back. This is just the last leg of the journey. So whatever it is--whether Aya is angry at her or disappointed or whatever else--Maya can convince herself she can fix it. The future Kaoru showed her she could make is so close she can almost hear the same old music playing all around her again. The pieces of Pastel*Palettes are almost all back together.

  
How long did Aya's career last after they dissolved? How hard must it have been for her, getting out of the idol business? Maya has no idea. In the first few months she avoided anything that could have given her an answer to that, a complete blackout. And when she finally poked her head above water again all of her friends were out of the public eye entirely, even Chisato, most surprisingly of all.

  
She's so glad Aya at least had Hina by her side through college, for any troubles in the transition from that to finding work and moving into their new place, and for whatever she must have faced from the industry. Without that support... there's no telling where she would have--

  
Oh. There she is.

  
Maya blinks, just to confirm that the girl standing alone on the sidewalk in front of her is Aya, but it's pointless because she clearly is. She hasn't turned back yet, so she probably doesn't know that Maya's there... so what's she supposed to do? The last thing she wants is to scare her off. Again.

  
Should she call out from here or approach? Or, what, should she call Hina and have her come over, while Maya follows Aya quietly in order to avoid losing her...? No, that's way too excessive! Stop overthinking this!

  
"Maya," Aya says without turning back, "you don't have to hide over there, I promise."

  
"Ah!"

  
Maya bites her tongue a moment after her strangled reaction makes it way out. She can feel her brow furrowing as she gathers her courage... and takes a step forward. "Aya... um, I'm really, really sorry if you just wanted to be alone, Hina insisted that we should go after you and I..."

  
"..." Aya's hand unclenches and relaxes at her side. "Heh, ah, she knows me really well... she knows I always wander off like this when I'm upset." Her eyes are clouded. "It's weird to have somebody really know you, isn't it?"

  
"Yeah..." Maya says because she can't think of any other way to reply. She doesn't know if she has anyone quite like that though.

  
...

  
......

  
"Maya... I'm so--"

  
"You don't need to apologize!" She regrets the outburst as soon as it happens. Aya looks back at her sadly. "Er, I mean, Aya, I don't think you've done anything wrong... I would have warned you I was coming if I could have. Really. I know Hina meant well taking me to you but--"

  
"I wouldn't have dealt with it any better, though," Aya cuts in sharply. "I'm--I shouldn't have..." She stops. Aya turns to look her in the eyes properly, arms hanging at her sides. "You're not going to leave if I tell you to, are you?"

  
Maya can't answer.

  
"..."

  
"...Then," Aya says with some of the uncertainty clearing from her face in favor of a half-smile full of bittersweet resignation, "let's go get some coffee?"

* * *

It's a small neighborhood place, not one of the larger chains Maya's used to. Coffee on a budget is her go-to. Not cozy places like this with their own mood and their own playlists--what is that playing over the speakers, T. Rex? Ballrooms of Mars, it sounds like, but it's faint. The atmosphere is subdued, but the decor is the opposite of minimalist with all sorts of wooden signs and placards on the walls to let your eyes drift to while you waited for your drink. It's nice. They don't turn the lights up too bright here.

  
Aya fits in too well with her new style. When she pulls her hair back and holds her purse up to search through it, she looks like the picture of the sort of girl who would come here often, and judging by the easy way she slips into line and only briefly glances at the menu she probably does.

  
Maya knows what she's gonna get so she doesn't spare too much time on the menu either. Black coffee has been her default choice since she turned 19 and discovered she had a taste for it. Misaki makes fun of her for it on occasion, but she drinks it too! The only difference between them is that Misaki does it purely for the caffeine boost while Maya actually takes the time to savor it when she can.

  
"...What are you gonna get, Aya?" she asks for the sake of making conversation.

  
"I think I'll get one of their seasonal lattes. The caramel one looks good, I almost got it last week when I came here with Hina."

  
"Ah, that's nice."

  
"Yeah..."

  
"How about you?"

  
"Ah, just black coffee, huhehe..."

  
"I see." Aya's eyes wander, and Maya deeply wishes she were better at small talk. She clears her throat and does her best to stand still. Then Aya's staring right at her. "Wait, just black coffee? Maya, you should get something better than that, I'll treat you!"

  
As she looks back to the menu to scrutinize its contents for something sweeter for Maya's sake, Maya stumbles her way through a reply. "Ah, um, it's fine! I kind of actually prefer the taste..."

  
"You're sure?" Aya asks reluctantly. Maya nods. "Ah, okay... guh, sorry. I just wanted to..." She trails off and looks down. Maya can't see her eyes. "Um, in that case I can order for us both if you want to go find a good table."

  
"Sure," Maya says, and she rummages through her own bag for her wallet. Aya quickly reaches out to put a hand on her arm and she stops.

  
"I'll pay for it! Seriously, it's just coffee, Maya..."

  
"But... okay," Maya says, slowly putting her bag back away. And then--because she's holding Aya's eyes, and not paying enough attention--the strap slips right off her shoulders and the bag flops down onto the ground. There's a dull clatter. "Ah, shit!"

  
She bends down to roughly shove all her things back inside, ears flushed from embarrassment, but Aya's next words make her stop. "You kept them..."

  
There's a drumstick on the floor between them.

  
Maya reaches out to grab it quickly. She puts it back in the bag. "Yeah. I, um, carry them around so they don't get lost." She looks up to meet Aya's eyes, and--

  
She's never seen Aya look sad like this before. Not surprised, not upset, there's nothing in her eyes but a deep dark well of sadness and regret that she could drown in if she wasn't careful. She can't take her eyes away no matter how hard she tries.

  
"Next!" says the woman at the counter, and the spell is broken. Aya blinks, and the deep sadness is gone, replaced by her normal amount of sadness. She looks to Maya one more time, then turns and walks to the counter to make their order. Maya can do nothing but stand and try to catch her breath.

  
She takes a table by the front window. The smallest one they've got, only two seats. That's all they need. ...Unless Hina comes running across town to find them both, and that's a distinct possibility, so after thinking it over she takes the next table over. That one at least has some space if they need to grab an extra chair. Always a good idea to have a contingency plan when Hina's involved in any way.

  
Maya can't muster up the energy to find that thought process as funny as it should be. She sits and feels her body do its best to relax, let the tension out of all her muscles. It works as well as she expected it to.

  
It looks like Aya's waiting over to the side of the counter for their coffee. She shouldn't stare, but--oh no, there's somebody trying to leave from behind the counter, but Aya is blocking the door!--Maya's ready to get up and do something but then Aya jumps, realizing they person is trying to get her attention. She looks like she's apologizing profusely as she scurries aside. Maya sits back down and takes a breath. Yeah, that's definitely Aya.

  
...

  
She's changed so much, but she's still the same Aya underneath. It was the same with Hina, Chisato, even Eve. Hina's words are still pestering Maya like a gnat with a vengeance. Her face is all Maya can see in her mind's eye. _You've changed more than anybody._

  
And then Eve's face comes to mind. _Do you remember what I said about pushing yourself?_

  
Chisato, too. _Please think of yourself once in a while, or the situation won't ever improve._

  
And then Aya is in front of her, and Maya's eyes widen as she quickly wipes the messy thoughts and feelings away like a windshield wiper. She has the drinks, and sets them down on the table carefully. Her hands aren't shaking the way they were with the tea before.

  
Aya sits on the other side of the table slowly. She folds her hands in her lap and stares into the caramel swirl of her drink. A sweet galaxy compared to Maya's blank slate of a steaming mug. Maya takes a sip and winces, which means it's good.

  
She looks over to Aya, who does the same at the same time. Their eyes meet awkwardly. Neither of them seem to know how to begin... but someone has to eventually.

  
"I'm sorry for running off," Aya says softly. "I just got...overwhelmed..."

  
"No, it's okay!" Maya says as fast as she can. "Seriously, I understand. I did the same thing, actually..."

  
"You mean...? Maya, back then, that was--"

  
"Not that," Maya cuts in. She winces again and not from the coffee this time. "Um. I mean, yeah, that was similar but it's not what I meant. When I met up with Chisato I saw her and just... bolted out of the place. She had to run to catch up with me. So, um, please don't feel bad! I didn't even have to run, so it's not nearly as bad as what I did." She doesn't know if her words are making sense. But Aya seems to take some comfort in them.

  
"Ah, ha..." Aya looks back into her drink, still untouched. "How did it go with her? Um, Eve already talked to me on the phone about your trip to see her, so I know that went well, and Chisato went with you so... I can assume you two made up pretty quickly, then?"

  
"Yeah." Maya takes another sip. "Um, you know she's dating Aoba, right? From Afterglow?"

  
Aya blinks. "Moca Aoba?"

  
"Yeah, that's her. She shaved her head."

  
"Moca shaved her head," Aya repeats like a parrot. "Wait, wait, she's--how did they even meet!?" She puts her head in her hands. "Ughhh, Chisato's been so off the radar, I had no idea..."

  
Maya laughs sympathetically. "Huhehe, yeah, I was caught off guard too..."

  
Aya finally reaches out and moves the tall mug to her lips, taking a long sip that disturbs the pristine caramel swirl on top of the liquid. There's a bit of foam on her mouth that she wipes away with her sleeve. "I'm... um, I'm really glad you two were able to reconnect. And Eve too, and you even got to talk to Hina a bit, right?"

  
"Mmhmm." Maya nods. "We talked on the train over."

  
"So that's... I'm the only one left on the list and I'm probably the worst so far." Aya groans. "I'm sorry, Maya."

  
"It's okay!" Maya replies quickly. "Really. I promise, I expected a much less smooth reception from everybody. I kind of expected it to be more like this..." She bites her tongue. That sounded harsher than it did in her head. But Aya only nods.

  
"I understand..."

  
"..."

  
"I was going to come see you, you know? Not long after I got the email I called up Kanon just to talk about it because I felt all mixed up and she let slip that you were staying with Misaki. So I was going to come over... but then I didn't... and then I guess Hina must have overheard me, so she went instead." Aya laughs weakly. "I can never tell what she's gonna do. Not like with her, the other way around, she can predict my every move like a supercomputer. But she still thinks I'm interesting. I don't get it sometimes."

  
"..." Maya wants to say something about how she's happy to see Aya, how she would have been happy to see her even then, but there's something clogging her throat and the coffee won't burn it away.

  
"...Maya, you know I'm not angry with you, right? Or, I mean--" Aya clasps her hands together tightly in her lap. "I don't think I am. And I don't think I really have a right to be. I'm just--I can't tell what I'm feeling and you know how bad I am at keeping any of my feelings inside. So I didn't want to just... throw all this--" She pats her chest over her heart. "--at you without even knowing what's in there."

  
"I can take anything, though," Maya says and she means it even if it isn't true. But Aya just shakes her head.

  
"I'm not going to let myself do that, Maya, it's not fair--"

  
"You can be mad at me," Maya continues, "I'm mad at me."

  
"You shouldn't be!" Aya slams her hand on the table, and then her face morphs into shock and embarrassment at the sound of it, loud enough to be heard over the music in the coffee shop. "Geh... sorry..."

  
"..."

  
"...Maybe I am a little mad at you," Aya says so quietly Maya can barely hear her, and despite her insistence that she could take it she feels a twisting weight in her gut at those words. "I'm... I'm mad you didn't let me help you. All this time and all I could think was just..." Her eyes are beginning to water.

  
"I could have helped, right, Maya? I thought I was a pretty good friend. Even if I messed up a lot, I was at least trustworthy, so I thought--I thought that if you were in trouble, you could come to me, but you didn't and that made me feel so..." She holds her hand up to her heart again. Clenches it.

  
"Aya..."

  
"I am mad!" Aya says now, louder, with some conviction to it. "I'm mad at myself and you and even more than that--I'm just so mad at everybody who let that happen to you! All the reporters and even some of our fans--when I think about it I just get so fu--freaking angry! And I don't know what to do about that so I push it back over and over and it builds and builds and now you're back and it's coming back up and it's so ugly, I just--"

  
She's crying now. Just a little, only the overflow. "I didn't want you to see it. I don't want to be mad like this. I'm sorry, Maya, I don't want to be mad at you..."

  
Maya doesn't know what to do at all. Is it okay to hug her? Can you hug someone who's crying because of you? She doesn't know. So she sits still and crumples into herself more and more as Aya does her best to wipe her eyes clean.

  
Aya sniffles. "...I'm sorry. I didn't mean to just... blow up like that, it's kind of what I wanted to avoid, actually..."

  
"It's okay, Aya, I promise," Maya says softly. "You can tell me how you feel. Even if you think it's ugly, I won't look away. I promise. I'm not running anymore."

  
Aya meets her gaze and holds it. The sadness is still there in her eyes, but it's not bottomless the way it was before. There's a limit to it now. Some of it burned up and drifted away from the heat. "I don't want to hurt you, though, I don't want to hurt anybody."

  
"That should include yourself," Maya says firmly. The conviction she says it with surprises even herself. And it absolutely surprises Aya, who looks at her with wide eyes before her face shifts into a contemplative frown. She sits up straighter in her chair and looks like she's thinking on it.

  
"... I mean... I understand. But Maya, please don't think that I think you're a bad person." Aya's frown is wavering. "I could never, you're my friend..."

  
On impulse, Maya reaches out to take Aya's hand. She shrinks away a bit at the contact, but then relaxes. Aya grips Maya's hand gently in return. And then their expressions start to match, just the smallest shadow of a smile shared on both of their faces. Their drinks are getting cold but they don't care.

  
"...Do you want to head back home?" Maya asks.

  
Aya nods, her eyes on the table. "Mmhmm. Hina's still back there, right?"

  
Maya's eyes widen. "Shit, I didn't tell her I found you." She swipes her phone on, quickly scrolls through her contact list and finds Hina. "She's probably still looking. Let me let her know where we are." She taps out a quick message. While she does, her eyes flick to the top of the screen, and... oh, wow, she didn't know the missed notification counter could go that high.

  
But she's gonna have to put that on hold for now. She sends a silent apology to her other friends and stands from her seat, taking her now-room temperature coffee with her. "Okay. Let's go, if you're ready, Aya?"

  
Aya takes a long sip from her own drink and nods. There's a bit of foam on her mouth again but she doesn't wipe it away. "Yeah. Let's go."

* * *

"We're back..."

  
"Welcome home!"

  
When Aya opens the door, Hina's already inside waiting for them. She's taken over the entire couch to lie across like a long lounging cat, legs propped up on the coffee table. She waves to Aya with a grin. Then she holds her arms out. "C'mere, babe! I missed you!"

  
"Hina!" Aya hisses in a mortified tone, "We have a guest right now, so--"

  
"Maya can join in too if she wants." Hina seems oblivious to the way that sentence raises the heat in the room from both her friend's faces alone. "But I guess if you really don't want to we can wait..." She swings her legs around to prop herself up with the momentum. Then she notices the cups in their hands. "You got coffee without me? Ehhhhhh, no fair!"

  
"You can have some of mine," Aya sighs and thankfully Hina seems sated by that offer. Maya stands by her side, unsure of where to look or what to do now. Aya notices her awkwardness and reaches out to brush her arm. "You wanna come sit down and rest? You did a lot of running around looking for me, probably... and oh god, you were with Hina earlier, weren't you? You must be exhausted, Maya."

  
"Ah, huhehe, no, it wasn't that bad," she denies. But she won't say no to a chance at letting some of her tiredness and tension out. It's been a long, strange day. She follows Aya to the living room and sits opposite her friends as Hina cuddles up to Aya's side and latches onto the straw in her latte.

  
The pink photo album is still open on the table. When Aya notices, her eyes go wide and she swipes it away in one quick motion, hugging it to her chest. "Hina! Did you drag this out!?"

  
"Yep!"

  
"Why!?" Aya groans, burying her face in the book. "Ah, did she show you, Maya? Uuuuuugh..."

  
"Huhehehe..." Maya can't help but giggle, but she calms herself as soon as she can, not wanting to twist the knife if she can help it. "Um, I only saw one or two pictures that she wanted to show me. And they were both really cute! I really, um, got the impression that you would grow up to be an idol, you know? You always had that sort of vibe, I guess."

  
Aya's expression--or what she can see of it over the top of the book--is strange. Like earlier, it's as if she's split between two completely different emotions. Happiness and some sort of sorrow. Maya's throat goes dry. "Ah, um... sorry, I don't want to--"

  
"No, no, it's okay!" Aya stops her backtracking. "Um, thank you... it's sweet to say. I just have a lot of weird feelings about idol stuff these days."

  
"..." Maya feels the edges of her lips twitch down. She does her best to stop it, there's no call for that right now. "I understand."

  
...

  
Okay, the silence is as good a cue as any. And it's not going to get any less awkward.

  
"Um..." Maya starts hesitantly. "Now that we're all together, there's something I actually wanted to ask you both about. Er, it's an idea I had? I already brought it up with Eve and Chisato, but it's only in the concept stage right now..."

  
Hina stares curiously. "What's up?" Aya matches her expression, maybe with a bit less immediate enthusiasm but she still clearly wants to hear what Maya has to say. Maya clears her throat.

  
"...I was thinking we could all play together again."

  
"..."

  
Maya gulps and keeps going. "Um, it'd be at this center near where I live right now, we'd be putting on a one-night show and playing some of our old songs. I don't know if you kept your guitar, Hina, but I could help you get one for the show and--"

  
"Nope."

  
She blinks. Hina's reply echoes in her eardrums. "...Nope?"

  
"Nope, not doing it." Hina shakes her head and the casual disappointment Maya sees in her eyes burns like acid. "I don't wanna play our old stuff again. That just sounds boring, you know?"

  
"...Ah..."

  
"I'm sorry, Maya, I can't do it either," Aya chokes out quietly. She folds inward and stares down at the floor intently as her expression shifts between regret and conviction. "I can't bring myself to sing any of those songs again, there's too much... wrapped up in them. I'm sorry, even if everybody else wants to I just can't."

  
"I understand," Maya says and she does, but it doesn't stop the feeling that grows in her gut, getting heavier by the minute. It aches. "Um, please don't apologize, it was just an idea..."

  
"..."

  
"..."

  
"...This is really good, Aya!" Hina finishes off another long sip. "What flavor did you get?"

  
Aya takes a minute to react and when she does it's slow. "One of the seasonal ones... um, the caramel. I mentioned it last time, I think."

  
"It's tasty!" Hina swipes it up from the table and extends her arm across to Maya, tilting the cup a bit to swing the straw around to her side. "Maya, you should totally try it, it's real boppin'!"

  
"Ah, thank you, but I don't know... I don't usually get sweet drinks..."

  
"I think you'll like this one, though." The peer pressure Hina exerts without even trying is too much, and Maya carefully leans forward. She tucks her hair out of the way and takes the smallest of sips from the straw. Ah. Hey, it is pretty good. She leans back and nods at Hina, who seems satisfied.

  
...And now Maya has no idea what else she can say or do.

  
Aya squirms in her seat, displacing Hina a bit from her place loosely wrapped around Aya's shoulders. She obviously feels similarly. "Um, Maya, is there anything I can get you? Are you hungry?"

  
"...I'm okay. Um, thank you, though."

  
...

  
......

  
The last sunlight, red-tinted and deep, is streaming through the Hikawa's front window. Maya watches it cast distorted shadows through the room as it catches on random objects, creating a puppet display just for her. It gives her something to focus on to distract from the awkwardness. And after a moment she realizes it's probably her cue to leave.

  
"I should probably head out," she says, and Aya looks like she wants to stop her but she notices how late it is as well and stops herself. "Um... I just wanna say thank you. Both of you. You're some of my best friends in the world and it... means the world, that you would want to see me again."

  
"Love you lots, Maya!" Hina says with a carefree tone that belies the impact of her words. She does a little wave from her new place propped up almost entirely behind Aya, and Aya waves with a small smile of her own.

  
"We both love you, Maya, and I'm glad we were able to reconnect..." Aya's eyes are narrowing a bit, and her smile is shaking. Maya knows these signs well. "For a while I didn't know if we'd ever get to see you again at all, and to know that you're doing okay, it just makes me..." She hides her face in Hina's hands. Hina doesn't seem to mind her new job as a modesty guard for Aya's tears, she just grins and gives a little wave.

  
"I love you both, too," Maya says, and she means it more than anything else she's said all day.

  
But she has to go.

* * *

Unsurprisingly, the notification buildup has only increased in the time since she last checked. 126 unseen texts, 19 missed calls, and that's just from Kaoru alone. The others--Chisato, Eve, Misaki, even Natsuki--have each made their own contributions. Clearly the word of her abduction at the hands of Hina Hikawa spread like wildfire. Maya feels like she should read them all right away. But first, she should let them know she's alright.

  
Her mind is clouded, mired in a thick fog that she has to fight her way through to do anything. Walking is the only thing that comes naturally, and that's good because she has a lot of walking left to do before she gets to the station. And then more, from the station to the apartment building, and then to her room. All she wants is to collapse onto her bed.

  
All she wants is to close her eyes and stop thinking and stop feeling because she's not feeling the way she's supposed to right now.

  
Her finger manages to pick Kaoru's text notification out of the lineup and tap it first. The little Natsuki in her head tries to say that that means something but the fog chokes their voice into oblivion, vanishing like a ghost. She taps out a quick, simple message.

  
_Hey, sorry, I'm okay_

  
The response is almost alarmingly swift. _Maya, I'm so glad to hear from you. Are you alright? Everything was so sudden, we weren't quite certain what to do._

  
Maya already said that she was alright. _Yeah, I'm fine_

  
Kaoru types for a long time. Maya keeps walking, and then eventually turns her eyes back as soon as the notification sound comes up. _I'm very glad to hear it. Can I take it that your reunion with our dear Hina and Aya went well, then? I've been very worried, but please don't take that as a lack of confidence in you. I've merely been concerned since you didn't have any time to prepare for these final meetings._

  
_They went fine. Thank you, Kaoru_

  
She stops walking at the next message. _May I call you?_

  
...

  
_Sure._ Her ringer goes off hardly five seconds from when she taps the send button, and she accepts the call as she raises the phone up to her ear.

  
_"Maya, I'm glad you're doing all right. Can I ask where you are? I hope you'll have no troubles getting home at this hour, if you'd like I could come meet you?"_

  
"No," Maya replies as she walks, "it's fine. I'm almost to the station."

  
_"I see."_ A pause on Kaoru's end. _"May I ask how you're doing? I apologize if I'm overstepping, but you don't sound quite like yourself, kitten. Is there something wrong that you'd like to talk about--"_

  
"I'm fine."

  
_"You do not sound fine."_

  
Maya moves the phone away from her ear and stares at Kaoru's contact image. It's a candid picture of her, taken a little over a week ago. She's asleep on the couch at Maya's apartment. She looks so calm with her eyes closed. Misaki fell asleep early that night too and Maya was the only one to finish off the sci-fi movie they were watching. It wasn't a very good one. The CG was a mess and the happy ending felt contrived.

  
_"Maya?"_

  
"Sorry. I'm here." Maya takes a breath. "Um, sorry, if I sound strange it's probably just because Hina and Aya didn't want to play the event. So we're not gonna do it. It's fine." She remembers she needs to call Natsuki at some point to let them know the idea's been scrapped.

  
_"Kitten, I'm so sorry. How was the rest of it? Were they welcoming to you?"_

  
"Mm, yeah... much more they shoul--" Maya says before hitting the brakes, and bites her lip in regret for letting even a sliver of the thought slip off her tongue. "Uh, it went well. Yeah. We're all friends again."

  
_"That's wonderful to hear."_

  
A car honks at Maya and makes her jump. She's not sure why, maybe existing as a woman after dark was the only reason they needed. Or maybe it had nothing to do with her and she's overthinking it. Letting it sit and stew until it spoils and turns her stomach inside out. They've already long since driven away.

  
"Yeah."

  
_"...Maya, are you entirely certain there's nothing--"_

  
"Please stop asking me if I'm okay!"

  
"..."

  
"..."

  
At some point she stopped walking.

  
"It's done now, right? I met up with everybody like I said I was going to, like you said I should, so I'm fine now. It's all done."

  
_"Kitten, you don't sound like yourself--"_

  
"Don't--you don't have to keep calling me that!" She doesn't want to keep saying these things. Kaoru hasn't done anything wrong, has she? But the words won't stop falling out of her mouth like rocks slipping from a cliff's edge and tumbling down, down, down into the ocean below. The water takes each one away. "I'm not whatever you think I am. A kitten or one of your princesses or--whatever. I'm just not that. I'm sorry."

  
_"..."_

  
"It's done. I did what I wanted to do and you helped, okay? You helped a lot and now it's over with. So you don't have to keep coming over." Kaoru doesn't need to keep concerning herself with someone like Maya. Someone who's given everything they want on a silver platter and remains hungry for more, she must be the greediest person in the world to still want things so desperately. She's already been forgiven four times over when she didn't deserve it even once. Maybe this time it'll stick. Maybe if she pushes it enough she'll finally make someone realize the truth about her--

  
_"Maya."_

  
...

  
_"...Maya, I--"_

  
"I'm sorry," Maya says so quietly she's not sure if Kaoru can even hear her, and then before either of them can say another word she taps the button to hang up with a shaking finger. She puts the phone on silent and slips it back into her pocket.

  
The train she rides back to the apartment is empty.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _🎵 I can't take no more_   
>  _Of what I took before_   
>  _Help me please, I'm falling down_   
>  _Desolation valley now 🎵_
> 
> [Content warning for descriptions of panic attacks and depression, external and internalized transphobia, and dysphoric thoughts.]

The busy city street that serves as the backdrop to her favorite studio holds no secrets for Maya anymore. She's been down this path so many times, swerving through the same aimless crowds and staring down at the same old cracked concrete paths. Even the soundscape is always the same cacophony, a wall of noise without purpose or rhythm that sinks into her more with every minute she spends engulfed in it. Familiarity is a salve and she needs every remedy she can find.

  
She pushes open the front door and steps into the lobby. It's only when the cool air hits her skin that she realizes how hot it was outside, how she must have been wilting in the sun. But even just yesterday night, during the walk home from Aya and Hina's place, it felt so cold. How'd it shift so drastically? At some point while she wasn't looking the seasons must have changed. It's funny how that happens.

  
"Hi, I've got a reservation for a room at 5:00," she tells the man at the counter as she walks up. He doesn't look like he cares all that much but he nods and scrolls down through the list all the same. It won't be an employer's name on the list as usual this time. She's not here for work. 

  
"Name?"

  
"Yamato."

  
"..." He squints. "Cool. Gotcha right here. You're gonna want the third room down the hall, on your right." A key attached to a large tag is produced and dropped into her palm unceremoniously. "Have a good session, sir."

  
There's nothing to be gained by correcting him, so she just nods and heads back. It's forgotten by the time the key is slotting into the lock with a quiet click. When she's inside the soundproof room with the door closed behind her she can breathe a bit easier. It's even cooler here than in the lobby. Cold, even. The drums are waiting patiently for her as always.

  
A Tama Silverstar VK 5-piece. Same set she had back in the day, just a bit older. She always requests this one. Sitting in the seat and leaning forward to fix an unrelenting stiffness in her spine, she lets out a long breath.

  
Then she fetches her phone out of her pocket. She needs some structure to go along with this and she doesn't care what the quality is, wifi-enabled streaming music and shitty phone speakers will have to do. Swiping through her saved albums so fast they become a blur, she finds it quickly. The cover isn't difficult to spot. A frame of bright red around a painting of a woman pulling back the curtains in her bedroom. Simple white text tells her its title and context.

  
King Crimson, Absent Lovers (Live in Montreal, 1984). The last show of the 80's Crim lineup. A classic live album and one of her favorites to drum along to. She hits play on the first track, the aptly named Entry of the Crims. A round of cheers is the first thing she hears.

  
There were cheers, too, on the day it happened.

  
...

  
"Maya, Maya! Come on, it's almost time!"

  
Staring into the dressing room's mirror, Maya can tell there's something wrong but she can't tell what. The makeup artists have done an admirable job with her as always, it's flawless. Right? But of course she can always see right through it. She hasn't been on her meds for that long, comparatively, and--to her, at least--it shows.

  
Her saving grace is her usual place at the back of the stage, where fewer lights and cameras will reach. Of course, that's not to say she won't be seen and recorded. It would be ridiculous to believe otherwise, of course; she's an idol. Or at least she's supposed to be. And she's done this plenty of times before, all she needs to do is lose herself in the rhythm and her body will slip away. She can do that.

  
Maya swivels on her chair away from the mirror, slides off of it and does a few stretches as she stands. Alright. Alright, alright, it's showtime and Aya's waiting. No time to lose herself in her head. She slaps her cheeks twice and pushes through the curtain.

  
Backstage is always like another planet, even if it's inside a tent today for their big outdoor performance. All sorts of specialists, agency people in ill-fitted suits, makeup artists and sound technicians and wardrobe department members all moving with such intense purpose, it creates a feeling of barely controlled chaos. The lifeblood of the entertainment industry flows thick. All this, just to set up one show from a mid-tier idol group--she knows why, of course. Every event like this is less a performance and more a financial investment. Of course the people on high want to ensure proper returns.

  
Despite Aya's voice just a minute earlier, she's nowhere to be seen. Must have been carted off to another area for some last-minute touchups. Instead, Maya is greeted by Chisato. "Maya, good, you're ready."

  
"Yeah. Sorry I took so long, makeup ran a little late..."

  
...Maya trails off and finds herself staring. There's something wrong with Chisato's expression. She's sharp and composed in the same way she always is before a show, but Maya can tell there's something else behind her eyes, frozen in a sheet of ice and buried in the tundra. What is that? She only gets a moment to wonder before Chisato slips back into a smile. "You look wonderful. I can tell you're giving the makeup artists more direction."

  
"Ah, huhehe... I'm doing my best. I still don't remember everything you told me, though." She scratches the back of her neck awkwardly. Her stage outfit is a bit restrictive.

  
"It's all right, what matters is that you're putting what you know into practice." Chisato gives her a smile. "Good job, Maya."

  
This sort of leniency and encouragement... it's really nice, but it's not much like Chisato. Huh. Before Maya can think about it too much Chisato is calmly gliding past her with a gentle pat on the shoulder. "Excuse me, I've got to get something done before the show. Remember to focus on the performance, alright, Maya?"

  
"Mmhmm, gotcha," Maya replies, a bit confused. She watches as Chisato heads towards a man she recognizes as one of the higher-ups. They're too far away for her to hear the discussion but it looks rather intense.

  
Focus on the performance. Okay. She can do tha--

  
"Maya, Maya!" A heavy weight collides with her from behind, and a shout follows from further back. Maya wobbles forward to catch her footing before grinning, knowing exactly who is unwittingly doing their best to bowl her over. If the enthusiasm didn't tell her the white hair spilling over her shoulders would.

  
"Eve, I thought you were still getting the hemline of your dress fixed...?" Maya asks the girl squeezing her with her cheek resting warmly against the back of her head.

  
"She is!" comes an indignant cry from one of the costumers.

  
"My deepest apologies, I'll return in just a moment!" Eve leans over and calls back before giving her another mighty squeeze. "We're going to do great, Maya! Believe in the me that believes in you, as Miyamoto Musashi said!" She lets go to hop back and strike a battle pose, looking like a three-way cross between a boxer, a swordsman, and a teenage girl. It's the most heartfelt thing Maya has ever seen. "Bushido! Let's go!"

  
"Huhehehe!" Maya giggles, doing her best to bashfully recreate the same pose. "Yeah...!"

  
"Wakamiya, please!" the poor costumer yells, and Eve sheepishly gives Maya another quick wave and a bright smile before darting back towards another corner of the tent.

  
What's Maya got to do next? Makeup and costuming are done, she's got her lines memorized and all the rehearsals--as well as plenty of solo practice--have burned the entire set list into her muscle memory. She's ready. And that's a dangerous thing, because being ready too early leaves her with time to overthink everything. So she should find something to... oh, hey, there's Aya!

  
She's off in the corner checking her phone while a woman goes over her outfit one last time. She looks a bit odd... she's not nervously smiling and scurrying around the way she normally is before a show. Her eyes are locked to the screen and her face grows pale as she goes on. Is she searching herself online again? Aw, no... Maya heads over towards her. "Aya!" she calls out with a wave. "Um, are you ready for the show?"

  
Aya jumps. Her eyes move from the screen to Maya and for a moment--for one moment she has a bit of a wild look behind her eyes. It's... fear? Is she that anxious over whatever she saw online?

  
"H-Hi, Maya!" Aya stammers out as Maya stares blankly. "Um, what? Yeah! I'm ready if you are!" She does a halfhearted little pose, and the woman trying to adjust her skirt looks annoyed at the awkward interruption. "Ah, sorry!"

  
"Yeah, I'm ready! Um, I just wanted to give you some encouragement, I don't wanna hold you up," Maya says, but Aya is quick to wave her palms and throw a rebuttal her way.

  
"You're okay! Really! And, um..." Aya falls silent. "Hey, come see me after the show, okay? I've, um, got something to talk to you about. But don't worry about it now! Just focus on the show." She pushes a smile to the surface and Maya can tell it's at least a little forced, but she doesn't say anything about it. Just does her best to match it for her friend's sake. Gotta keep her mind off whatever the trolls are saying about Aya now.

  
"Yeah! And um, good luck, Aya!"

  
"Good luck to you too!" Aya stops. Then she reaches out and grabs Maya's hand, seemingly on a sudden impulse. "You're gonna--you'll do great, Maya. Like always. Okay?"

  
"Okay..." Maya replies, only growing more confused the longer Aya clutches her hand tight. It's just a normal show. Slowly, the grip is released. Aya looks away and Maya knows it's her cue to go. But her friend is still scrolling through her phone. Maya can't think of a way to politely stop her but she really shouldn't be doing that right before a show...

  
"Yoink!" A hand zooms out and swipes the phone right out of Aya's hands, leaving her to scroll on air for a second like she's Wile E. Coyote waiting for gravity to kick in.

  
Aya's gaze jerks up. "Ah! Hina! I need that!"

  
"No, you don't!" Hina says back admonishingly in her very best impression of her stern older sister. She only brings that one out when it's important. Or when she's bored. "No listening to whatever the big dummies online have to say. Won't let ya do it." She sticks her tongue out, and Maya giggles. Aya looks at her like she's experiencing a mutiny and Maya forces the laughter back down into an apologetic shrug.

  
"Hina," Aya starts, "I really--"

  
"Nope! Uh-uh, vetoed. I know of something a lot better we could do with your phone, though!" Hina exclaims excitedly. She flips it around and holds up a V sign, and both Maya and Aya blink in the flash from the camera. "Look, look!"

  
The photo is... something. Hina looks great as always! Maya, Aya, and the disgruntled costumer in the background all look absolutely terrible, though. Judging by her barely-stifled laughter this is just about the funniest thing in the world to Hina, or at least the funniest in the last five minutes. Aya groans. Maya does her best to hold her own giggles in.

  
And then the voice comes over the radio. _"Attention, attention, we're starting in ten. All members must be ready at the entrance in five minutes."_

  
"You hear that?" Hina says to Maya, bouncing a little as Aya reaches out weakly for her phone back. Hina moves it out of reach once more and quickly changes the motion into a triumphantly raised fist. "Let's get out there and bop 'em dead, Maya!"

  
"Is that a good thing!?"

  
...

  
Before Maya knows it those ten minutes are gone. The others are all ready, gathered around her at the entrance to the stage. Maya gulps. She's still nervous, of course. Still has the same worries and anxieties she did when she first looked in the mirror.

  
But with Pastel*Palettes by her side she knows she's gonna be just fine.

  
She walks out with the others in her ruffled green-and-white getup, making a quick beeline for the drum set after a quick wave to the audience. They're all so loud. But the noise is for her and her friends, it would be disrespectful for her to be upset by it. Same for the lights. All the lights--the spotlights, the glowsticks, the tiny pinpricks from phone cameras--burn as they always do and Maya lets them.

  
Chisato is here. Eve is here. Hina is here. Aya is here. Everything's gonna be alright. So Maya smiles to the crowd and raises her drumsticks high....

  
...and then on her cue she sends them back down.

  
...

  
A discordant howling starts the next track as it plays from her phone. Maya is already starting to sweat, her arms are growing tired. This is the second song and she's not taking any breaks or cutting any corners today. The drumbeat is erratic, fast and skeletal as the song barrels forward. Thela Hun Ginjeet plays on, unstoppable, and tells her its name in a repeated chant.

  
_Thela hun ginjeet, thela hun ginjeet_  
_Thela hun ginjeet, thela hun ginjeet_

  
bam bam bam BAM BAM babam   
bam bam bam BAM BAM babam

  
The drumsticks fly in her hands, the same ones she's always used. Of course she brought them. The stark image of Aya in the coffee shop just yesterday is in her mind--You saved them? Of course she did. They may as well be welded to her palms.

  
_Thela hun ginjeet, thela hun ginjeet_  
_Thela hun ginjeet, thela hun ginjeet_

  
bam bam bam BAM BAM babam   
bam bam bam BAM BAM babam

  
Maya won't stop, even if she dies her body will be donated to the beat. If the music is playing everything melts away.

  
bam bam bam BAM BAM babam   
bam bam bam BAM BAM babam  
BABABABABABABABABAM

  
...

  
"We're Pastel*Palettes! Thank you so much for coming out here, and for always supporting us!" Aya's voice rings out high and clear through the microphone, her words blasted out in all capitals by the rows of raised speakers all around the outdoor auditorium. And there's a response, of course, glowsticks waved and cheers called out as always, but something is off. There's an undercurrent of quiet chaos in the way some people are moving, turning to each other.

  
There's something wrong with the audience.

  
Maybe Maya is just tired. Maybe everyone has just been acting weird, and it's got her acting weird along with them. It's probably just some stress. This is their second show this week, after all. She'll let herself take some time to chill out after everything's done today.

  
As the others wave to the crowd and call out to their fans, Chisato instead turns. She rests her bass down on its stand and takes out her earpiece before walking over to Maya's side of the stage swiftly, still turning to wave and smile so she doesn't look completely out of order. But this isn't their stage direction. Maya's only growing more confused. "Chisato, what's--"

  
A hand takes her by the arm. "Stand up, give a quick wave and come with me. Don't worry about anything else up here."

  
"Chisato...?" Maya has questions on her tongue now but she follows the instructions as quickly as she can, stumbling a bit when Chisato pulls her up. Aya is still waving, though the others have stopped. Eve and Hina look confused, casting gazes back and forth between the audience and the events happening at the back of the stage. Chisato pulls her back towards the curtains and the view is lost. "Hey, what's going on?"

  
"It's fine, just come with me--"

  
As they step foot inside the backstage tent a flurry of loud sounds and violent flashes of light cuts off the end of Chisato's sentence. Maya nearly shouts at the sensory overload of it. Who are these people? Not agency workers, there's way too many and they don't look right. They're completely cutting off their path through to the tent's exit with cameras and microphones roughly shoved past Chisato and into Maya's face.

  
"What's your response to the rumors currently circulating about--?"

  
"Maya Yamato, can I get your take on--?"

  
"--your input, in your own words--?"

  
There's so much. Too much too much too much too many people looking at her and she can do nothing but shrink back. She's taken questions from the press but never anything close to this kind of interrogation. Rumors? Wait, what are they talking about? Who...!?

  
One of them--a man, a bit taller than the rest--stares directly at Maya almost hungrily, pushing forward and thrusting out his microphone to nearly hit her with it before Chisato pulls her back and out of the way. He calls out both to Maya and to his own earpiece mic, "Share your truth with us! Don't be afraid, it's nothing to be ashamed of. Miss Yamato, if these rumors are credible you'd be the first transgender idol, correct?"

  
Oh.

  
Maya's body feels so heavy as Chisato grasps her arm even tighter with her slender hand. It hurts. She can't think. Or maybe she's thinking too much all at once. She can't say anything. So Chisato speaks for her in a low voice Maya's never heard before except through closed doors. "Maya has no obligation to comment on rumors and speculation. Please show some respect for her and the organization we represent."

  
Her hands feel numb. She keeps forgetting how to breathe. She's supposed to inhale before she exhales but instead all she's doing is exhaling and now her lungs are screaming so loud she can't ignore them any longer. She takes in a jerking breath, and Chisato looks back at her with wide eyes. "Maya..." She turns again and locks the crowd's cameras on her with a gaze sharp enough to cut steel. "Present your questions to me. I will handle them. Maya is in no state to be interrogated by you people."

  
"You people?" one of them cries out. They don't seem offended--more excited. It's a wonderful front-page quote for a hit piece.

  
A particularly bright camera flash goes off, and that's it. Maya's breaking point has been found. She turns and tugs her arm roughly out of Chisato's grasp in one motion--she feels Chisato stumble to the side as she does, and wants to cry out an apology but no words will escape her right now. All she can do is shove her way through an opening in the crowd and run.

  
All she can do is keep going.

  
...

  
BAM BABAM BABAM BAM BABAM BABAM  
BAM BABAM BABAM BAM BABAM BABAM

  
There's sweat rolling down Maya's face and down onto her nape, leaving stinging trails where it touches her skin. She can't wipe it away so she does her best to ignore it. The motion is all that she can focus on.

  
Next song up is Red. A caged monster of a track that opened up the album that would end with Starless. This version of it is just a bit bigger, hairier, rougher around the edges. Skoll and Hati, the feral children of Fenrir, thrashing at their chains, hungry and ready to eat the sun and moon. Ragnarok is coming. Maya pays it its due.

  
bam bam BAM bam bam bam BAM  
bam bam BAM bam bam bam BABABABAM  
BAM BAM BAM bababam BAM BAM BAM bababam  
BAM BAM   
BABABABABAM

  
The muscles in her arms are taut and tense. Her body is hurting. She doesn't pause, she gives everything she has. Every pint of blood and tears will go into the music today. She keeps going.

  
BAM BAM   
BABABABABAM  
BAM BAM  
BABABABABABABAM  
BABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABAM

  
...

  
Bam, bam bam, her footsteps are so loud and heavy, the impacts send reverberations up her legs and to her spine. It hurts. Everything hurts but she keeps going.

  
How did they find out? What do they know? Did it even matter? She would never been seen as Maya Yamato again. Only as the 'first transgender idol'--and that was bullshit. What the fuck did it matter if she was the first, did they want to spin her as a trailblazer? Maya's never done anything of the sort. She's been a coward every day of her life but one.

  
Or maybe they'd think of her as something much worse than just a curiosity to stare at and talk about. Maybe they'd just think of her as the freak who sneaked their way into the group to be around pretty young girls. How would they judge her for dressing herself up in frills and parading herself around a soft pastel stage, wolf's claws and fur bundled up and concealed under the sheep's pelt as if she were anything but a beast of prey?

  
Or maybe they already had another piece of information.

  
One more thing to call ~~him~~ her.

  
If they knew about her, they could have found it. She did everything she could to wipe it from the records but there was always the chance there was one mention of it left somewhere, typed into an old file sitting in a folder sitting in an office somewhere in the country. No matter how hard she erased it from the world the impression remained on the page. Anyone with some graphite and a good eye could find it from the impression left behind. And they would.

  
They would find ~~him~~ her no matter how hard ~~he~~ she ran and what could ~~he~~ she do about it except keep running and running and running and running. Can't run from the world's gaze, even if your idol group is only b-tier at best. She's a flare gun drawing attention from the coastline. She is on fire and the boats are all shoving off from shore--

  
"Maya! Wait!"

  
Aya's voice sounds ragged. She must have been running to catch up. And where are they at this point? Maya blinks to clear her vision and realizes she's already made it nearly to the edge of the public park their show took place in. There are pedestrians around--not fans, they're probably still mingling around closer to the stage--but other people. Strangers. They've all stopped to stare at the two insane girls in idol outfits, struggling for breath.

  
"Maya, just, hold on... please stop running, we can work all this out, okay?" Aya fixes her with a gaze. She looks desperate. Maybe she can tell the death knell's already rung, but either way she's not listening. "I--we can help you. It's gonna be fine."

  
Maya wants to believe it so badly.

  
But then she thinks of the future. She thinks of her life as the first transgender idol or the wolf who got into the henhouse, either way with the eye of the public burning into her from all angles until the day she dies or quits, whichever comes first. She will never be able to live as a normal girl again. Everyone will see right through her. Living in a glass house, knowing if she moves she may slice herself bloody on the shards.

  
BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM  
BABABABABABABABABABABABABABABAM

  
Her heartbeat is so fast. It sounds like a frantic drum line. "Aya, I can't."

  
BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM  
BABABABABABABABABABABABABABABAM

  
"You can! It's going to be fine, it'll blow over. The agency will do something. We'll figure it out, okay?" Aya holds out a hand and forces a smile onto her face. It looks wrong. "So just--come on, Maya, okay?"

  
DOOM DOOM DOOM  
BABABABABABABABABABABABABABABAM  
BABABABABABABABABAM  
BABABABABABABABABABABAM  
DOOM DOOM DOOM  
DOOM DOOM DOOM

  
...

  
_I do remember one thing!_

  
Maya's arms feel like lead, they feel like if the momentum ceases they'll fall out of their sockets and onto the floor of the studio. But she's not going to stop. Indiscipline is on now, a slow burn to a repeated mortar-shell explosion of chaotic passion. Her rhythm is completely off but she doesn't care. As long as Adrian Belew is still singing and her drumsticks are still moving that's all that matters.

  
_It took hours and hours and hours._  
_By the time I was done with it, I was so involved,_  
_I didn't know what to think._

  
bababababababababababababababababam  
CRASH  
BABABABAM  
BABABABAM

  
Drumbeats come in bursts like machine-gun fire above the steady thrum of the bassline. She runs through the trenches, muddy and wounded as a battle escalates above her head, ready to snatch her up and eat her alive if she dares to take a peek.

  
bababababababababababababababam  
BABABABAM  
bababababababababababababababababam  
BABABABAM  
bababababababababababababababababababam  
BAM BAM

  
She cries out the next lyrics, easily memorized, in a voice that breaks two words in and falls into a deep cavern. A pit in the ground with no end. An open grave. No need to stop it or suspend it up in place, here's nobody around to hear her anyway. She doesn't have to try. It's so hard to try sometimes.

  
_"I repeat myself when under stress,_  
_I repeat myself when under stress,_  
_I repeat myself when under stress!"_

  
DOOM DOOM DOOM  
BABABABABABABABABABABABABABABAM  
DOOM DOOM DOOM  
BABABABABABABABABABABABABABABAM

  
...

  
Aya is still waiting for an answer. Her hand trembles a bit as she extends it further. "Come on, Maya, we can help you. I can help you, and I'm sure Chisato can figure something out. Hina and Eve are waiting for you too. When we explain what's going on they'll--"

  
"You saw all the rumors, didn't you? Earlier, before the show," Maya asks just above a whisper. The expression that ghosts across Aya's face tells her everything. A single moment of worry and pain and pity in her eyes. It tells her more than words could. An answer to her question and the unspoken one behind it; what are they saying about Maya, what kind of creature is she being painted as? Now she knows. Every fear Maya has ever had is brought to life in an instant.

  
And in the face of it Maya only knows how to do one thing. So even as Aya reaches out and shouts for her to stop, she follows the rhythm in her chest,

  
turns away,

  
and runs.

  
...

  
...

  
...

  
...

  
...

  
But that's not the memory she wants to see, is it?

  
That's not what she's been playing on repeat in the back of her mind, every day every hour and every minute ever since that night at the center when the gates opened back up. It's further in the past. Months before the day it happened, there was another day.

  
Back it up. Rewind. Give her the slow-motion replay.

  
...

  
The lights in the practice room are so bright, it's blinding. Who turned them up so high? What sort of bulbs are they using? Maybe she can talk to them about switching to a different brand later on. It's starting to give her a headache these days.

  
BAM BABAM BAM BABAMBAM  
BAM BABAM BAM BABAMBAM

  
Everyone's there. She doesn't know what to say to them even though she was the one who made the whole group gather on an off day. The words clog in her throat, turn to dust on her tongue. 

  
BAM BABAM BAM BABAMBAM  
BAM BABAM BAM BABAMBAM

  
They're looking at her so patiently, so expectantly. Aya, ready to respond with reassurance regardless of what she tells them. Hina, with her boundless curiosity. Eve, confident in her friend's ability to tell them what's going on. Chisato, almost certainly already plotting the safest route forward through whatever roadblocks will come.

  
She loves them all so much. She loves them so much that she thinks she can get the words out.

  
BAM BABAM BAM BABAMBAM  
BAM BABAM BAM BABAMBAM

  
"So, um," she starts, faltering, stumbling, "the reason I got you all here is because there's something I really need to tell you... it's something, er, sort of personal, and I hope... I hope it doesn't make you see me differently, huhehe..." Stop that! She hates that she laughs when she's nervous. But nobody here is laughing at her.

  
She takes in a deep breath.

  
"The truth is, um, that I'm trans."

  
...

  
"Er, sorry, I know that's kinda out of left field and maybe... obvious already, but if anybody needs any sort of explanation or anything I'm happy to--whoof!"

  
Maya lets out a shocked exhale as a blur of white and blue slams into her, and she stumbles back against the mirror on the wall. Eve squeezes her so tight she can hardly breathe. "Whoa, ah, huhehehe, Eve, why are you--geh!" She weakly wraps her arms around Eve's back. "Eve, why're you hugging me like this...?" Eve doesn't say anything, just holds her tighter. It's... it's nice. Eve's hugs always are, and this one feels deeper. It's different.

  
From the way Eve rubs circles in Maya's back, she must have noticed how anxious she was. All Maya can do in return is try to hug her back.

  
BAM BABAM BAM BABAMBAM  
BAM BABAM BAM BABAMBAM

  
_I come back, come back,_  
_You see my return._  
_My returning face is smiling,_  
_smile of a waiting man._

  
There's a hand on hers. She can tell from the shape of it that it's Chisato's, small and slender and cold. But when it's holding hers so tightly it feels warmer than the sun. "Maya," Chisato says softly but firmly, "thank you for letting us know. Please inform me if you receive any negative reactions or harassment from anyone here at the agency, I don't want you getting hurt, alright?"

  
"Ah..." Maya says as her brain tries to catch up. "Yeah. Um, yeah, I will, if anything happens... if that's okay?"

  
A squeeze. So much gentler than she would have ever expected. "Of course."

  
BAM BABAM BAM BABAMBAM  
BAM BABAM BAM BABAMBAM

  
_I'll be home soon, soon, soon, soon._  
_Cry on your shoulder_  
_Your shoulder against my burning tears._  
_Tears of a waiting man._

  
The practice room floor is shaking under her feet. Is--is Hina jumping up and down!? Eve starts to release her death-grip on Maya just enough for her to look over and confirm her suspicions. Hina is bouncing in place with her hands on Aya's shoulders, a wild grin on her face. "Maya! Maya, Maya, that's so cool! Oh my gosh, you're just like big s--"

  
She takes her hands off of Aya and slaps them over her mouth. But Maya can tell the grin is still there. The sparkle in her eyes hasn't dimmed one bit. She's still Hina.

  
BAM BABAM BAM BABAMBAM  
BAM BABAM BAM BABAMBAM

  
_I wait every moment,_  
_I wait, wait for my chance._  
_I wait for my friend to say_  
_Hello, you waiting man._

  
Aya is crying. Maya can hear it before she sees it, her big sticky sobs and shaky breaths echo through the practice room. Eventually she gets her words out through it as Hina squeezes her shoulders tightly. "Maya, I had no idea... you must have been hurting a lot... and--oh no, the other day when I said your voice was deep, I didn't mean it like--!"

  
"It's okay!" Maya says as quickly as she can. "Really, please don't worry about anything, Aya, I haven't been hurting or anything like that... I'm just glad you're okay with it. I don't want this to change anything, I just felt bad about lying to you all for so long..." All she wanted was to get the weight off her back. She didn't expect anything like this. She doesn't know what she expected. But not this, not smiles and warmth and immediate acceptance.

  
Maya doesn't realize that she's crying too until Chisato is already pulling tissues from her bag and surging forward to dab at her cheeks worriedly. Eve hugs her again, somehow even tighter this time, and Aya and Hina cross the room together to join the rest. "I..." Maya mumbles out in between sobs. "Huhehehe, I love you all so much... thank you..."

  
...

  
This is what she wanted all along, isn't it?

  
She wants this moment back, to live in it forever. Frozen in amber for her to take out and look at whenever she wants to. One perfect instant where there's not a single worry in her head. No worry or pity or pain on the faces around her, just love and acceptance. Everything felt so easy then. She wants it back. She's so hungry for it. She would do absolutely anything for it.

  
...

  
But it's never coming back.

  
_"Tears of a waiting man!"_ Maya cries, the rest of the lyrics left behind. Her motions are animalistic, a blur of motion and sound and fury. She's left the song behind. Where is she going? What is she doing? What is she doing? What is she--

  
BABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABAM DOOM DOOM DOOM CRASH BABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABAM DOOM DOOM DOOM BABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABAM BAM BAM BABAM DOOM DOOM DOOM DOOM DOOM _CRASH_  
BABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABAM  
**  
DOOM DOOM DOOM**  
_  
BABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABAM_  
_BABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABAM_  
**  
DOOM DOOM DOOM**  
_  
BABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABAM_

  
_You can wait_

  
_And I wait_

  
_And I wait_

  
_And I wait,_

  
_And HOOOOOO--_

  
**DOOM DOOM DOOM**

  
_\--OOOOOOOOO--_

  
**DOOM DOOM DOOM**

  
_\--OOOOOOOOO--_

  
**DOOM DOOM** \-- _crack_ \-- **DOOM**

  
_\--OOOOOOME I AM!_

  
...

  
...The song's over.

  
All that's left in the air is the sound of the audience cheering. Or the ghost of an audience, frozen in time on July 11th, 1984. Their emotions still echo into the future even though that show is over and done and long gone is that incarnation of the band they loved so much.

  
Maya gasps, gulps down every bit of cool air she can take in. Her arms are limp at her sides. Her heart is hammering like a truck's engine inside her body. The pumping of blood in her ears is so loud. Her skin is slick with sweat and her shirt sticks to it. Everything hurts. Every single thing hurts. But it feels less like a new pain and more like an old one being expelled through her skin, coming out through her mouth and nose and ears like a rush of blood.

  
_"Boy, that's the best we've done that in a long time,"_ Belew's voice confidently cries out to the ghostly audience through her terrible phone speakers. _"Must be the last night of the tour or something."_

  
As the sound drifts away into nothing, Maya finds the strength to raise her hands up slowly into her field of vision. Clutched in a white-knuckle grasp are one and a half drumsticks.

  
...

  
...

  
...

  
Ah.

  
They finally broke.

* * *

Even with the lights turned down low and the curtains shut, her bedroom in the apartment holds no secrets. She's spent what feels like a lifetime staring up at that ceiling from her bed. Every crack and inconsistency in the wallpaper is known, every minute detail on every poster. Even the soundscape is the same. Pure, deep silence intruded on only by her breathing.

  
Familiarity is an open wound just beginning to scab over.

  
What day is it? Maya's not sure. On instinct, she casts a quick gaze over the calendar before remembering she stopped checking off the days at some point. She winces at the sight. Marked off in the last few weeks are three specific days. 'Chisato meetup,' 'Eve flight,' and a scribbled note reading 'talk to Natsuki!'.

  
She rolls onto her back and stares blankly again. Could check the date on her phone but it's been dead since last night and she doesn't want to get up and look for the charging cord. It's enough work just to drag herself to the bathroom to take her pills whenever the alarm tells her it's time.

  
...

  
She's fucking pathetic, isn't she? It's just the same as the first few weeks after she went off the grid. Might as well complete the marathon through her memories by recreating the worst of them. She punches the bed weakly and it gives way under her fist with a soft noise. It's not enough, but she's out of energy so she's gonna have to settle for that momentary release of tension. Take that, bed. Fuck you.

  
...ugh.

  
Maya can't even feel mad at herself anymore, everything just feels numb and cold. Ice overflows in her chest and pushes up against her ribcage. It burns. But it burns differently now.

  
She wonders if Kaoru has called. Or Chisato, Eve, Hina, Aya, Hanne, Natsuki... god, maybe even Kanon, though they've barely spoken. Everyone must be so worried about her. That should be motivating, shouldn't it? It should make her want to animate her corpse and get up and let them know she's okay. But it only makes her want to sink further into the bedsheets and rot instead. Save them all the trouble of dealing with her.

  
And maybe she would have, if not for the quiet knock at the door. Don, don, don. A pause follows that's broken only by the sound of the mattress creaking as Maya sits up to stare at the door.

  
...

  
"Hey, Maya? Can we talk?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading! this chapter was given an extra beta by demonladys, if you're interested in more bandori content with trans themes please do yourself a favor and read her ongoing [Wonderland Girls](https://archiveofourown.org/series/1576381) series of fics.
> 
> as a quick update, chapter 9 may be delayed by a week just to ensure it's as complete as possible before posting. feels wild that this fic is actually in the home stretch but thank you all for your support, it really means a lot!


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _🎵 You were caught in the crossfire of childhood and stardom_   
>  _Blown on the steel breeze_   
>  _Come on you target for faraway laughter_   
>  _Come on you stranger, you legend, you martyr, and shine 🎵_

"Hey, Maya? Can we talk?"

  
Misaki's voice is muffled by the door but her tone comes through just fine, somehow both firm and unsure of herself. From what Maya knows, this is probably just like the voice Misaki would use when her old bandmates--the more energetic ones--were getting out of hand. When they were being difficult. It stings a bit to hear directed at her but she can't deny she deserves it.

  
Her question isn't really a question but Maya answers it. Not with words, but with actions. She forces her dead-weight body to stand and walk over to the door, step by step. Then she spends a moment just staring at it as she builds up her resolve. She puts her hand on the doorknob.

  
"Er, Maya, did you--"

  
She opens the door and catches Misaki off-guard halfway through a sentence that gets choked right back down her throat. The two roommates stare at each other. Maya knows what she looks like and she sees the confirmation of it in the way Misaki's eyes contract a bit as she takes in the view of her... she probably looks as dead as she feels. Hey, her body finally matches her mental state for once. She'd laugh if it was funny.

  
"Um!"

  
With that nervous assertion comes the realization that Misaki's not alone. Kanon stands to her side and a little behind her, reaching out to hold her arm gently. "Misaki, you were gonna ask if Maya wants to come out to the living room, right?" she asks quietly, but not quietly enough for Maya to miss it.

  
Misaki nods, and reaches a fist up to her mouth to clear her throat. "Uh, you wanna--"

  
"Sure." Maya winces a bit at the bluntness of her reply and the way her tired throat molds the tone on the way out, shifts it into something just a little off from what she expected, what she wanted. But Misaki doesn't seem to notice too much. She just nods awkwardly and turns to head down the hall, Kanon still attached to her arm. Maya follows behind the pair and keeps a bit of a distance.

  
It's strange how alien the rest of the apartment feels after just a few days--it's only been one or two days, right?--spent in a depressed haze. The posters, the shelves, the stack of records resting on the table that she was still sorting. Even the unwashed dishes and mugs by the sink. Yeah, Misaki was never great at taking care of things like that.

  
As Kanon and Misaki head for the couch, Maya pauses before moving to pull out the chair in front of the computer desk. She wheels it out on the opposite side of the coffee table and takes a seat as it makes a creaking noise under her.

  
Then she notices that her friends have sat down a sizable distance away from each other on the couch. At first it's a little confusing, but then Maya realizes they were expecting her to sit between them, they were making room for her. For a second she considers swallowing the awkwardness and moving around but then Kanon inches over to Misaki, probably to spare everyone the potential awkwardness. The decision's made for her. She's staying right here.

  
There's an uncomfortable stillness in the air, an aura that she can easily trace back to herself. Maya wants to break it but she doesn't know how. She grips the arm of the chair tightly with a weak grasp.

  
Misaki's eyes flit around avoiding contact until Kanon reaches over to squeeze her arm again. Then she looks up and towards Maya's gaze. "Maya. Uh, you know we're here for you, right?" Her jaw clamps shut. "Sorry. Ugh. Don't wanna sound like a Live Laugh Love poster or some shit. But like, I really mean it. You're my... friend, not just my roommate. You can tell me what's going on."

  
"..." Maya stares back. For a moment, she doesn't reply. She just remembers.

  
Back in the early days when she had just cut her ties, Misaki was there. She was removed from the others and trustworthy enough that Maya felt comfortable going to her for help. And Misaki was the one to suggest getting an apartment together--it was already something she was planning on and she needed a roommate to share rent. But the one thing she never did was ask questions. And at the time, Maya appreciated it, because in retrospect any sort of push would have only sent her running again. What she needed wasn't a soft cushion of support. Just a wall to lean on.

  
That Misaki wouldn't be sitting here with a wavering gaze asking Maya why she locked herself in her room for days on end. But maybe that Misaki wasn't around anymore. Kanon rubs Misaki's arm gently with her own eyes focused on her girlfriend's face, and Maya thinks that maybe Misaki found her own wall.

  
Or... tank, maybe? Like a tank in an aquarium, full of drifting jellyfish. _Two lost souls swimming in a fishbowl_ \--fuck, this is going off the rails. Scattered thoughts form a defense mechanism. Maya pushes through it and sits up straight. Then she realizes something.

  
"Wait," Maya asks hesitantly, "Kaoru didn't already tell you everything...?"

  
Misaki scratches the back of her neck with her Kanon-less arm. "Uh, I mean, she told us some of the basics. But not a lot. Just that the show wouldn't be happening and..." She looks like she isn't sure whether she should say the next part. She leans forward to look down at the floor in front of the couch. "...uh, she said to be gentle with you for the next few days. And that she wouldn't be coming around for a bit."

  
It's more or less what Maya expected, but wow, it really does hurt to hear it out loud. A dull, heavy ache in her chest, in her stomach. Her gaze drifts away from Misaki and off to one of the shelves. Her eyes aren't properly focused. She's just so tired. "Then... she didn't tell you what I said to her?"

  
Misaki shakes her head and Maya wilts. So she's gonna have to explain it herself.

  
"The other day. When Hina came and grabbed me, she took me to her apartment, and Aya was there. We got to talk and make up but it was all..." Maya's hand clenches into a fist, her nails digging into her palm out of frustration towards herself. "...weird. And they didn't want to do the show at all--which is fine, of course, that's absolutely fine--but it just made me feel so... mixed up. I think I understand why now at least..." She trails off. "Sorry, I'm getting off track."

  
"You can talk about that more if you'd like," Kanon interrupts gently. "I'm sure Misaki and I would both be happy to listen."

  
"..." She's so sweet. It's no wonder being around her has sanded all the rough edges off of Misaki. "Thank you, Matsubara... it's alright for now, though, but maybe later." Kanon nods understandingly and Maya continues. "Um, so... yeah, I was feeling really shitty and confused. And I guess it came across in my voice when Kaoru called me afterwards."

  
Misaki nods and waits patiently for Maya to keep going, but the words are growing larger, they're getting harder to fit through her throat. The light of the morning is coming through the closed window and shining on her glasses. She turns her chair a bit to avoid it, moving her gaze from Misaki and Kanon to the door. "She was... you know how Kaoru is when someone's feeling bad, right? I mean, you know her. She was trying to get me to open up and being so--kind and sweet and I'm just... I didn't deserve it, so I--"

  
"Maya," Misaki interrupts, "don't talk about yourself that way, alright?" She stops as if surprised by her own words and Kanon's hand slides down to hold hers. "Sorry. I don't want to be pushy. But don't talk badly about yourself like that."

  
Maya sinks down into the chair a bit further. "Sorry... I just don't want to--"

  
_I don't want to hurt you, though, I don't want to hurt anybody..._

  
_That should include yourself._

  
Her own words, meant for Aya and voiced in a split second without thought, echo in her ears and cut off whatever she was going to say next. Her mouth opens but nothing comes out. After a long moment she closes it again and nods. "Mmhmm. Sorry. I won't."

  
...

  
She has to say it. Nothing's gonna happen until she owns up to what she did.

  
"She was trying to get me to open up. You know. Calling me 'kitten' and insisting that I tell her what was wrong and it was sweet. Kaoru is a good person. She's been so nice and helpful ever since we met up again, I couldn't have done anything without her so why--" She hears her voice start to tremble and knows she's going to have to hold back tears. "--why did I blow up on her? I had no reason to say any of that shit, she must... she must think I'm terrible."

  
"What did you say?" Misaki asks.

  
"Uh..." Maya slowly scrambles for the words. "I just yelled at her. I said she shouldn't keep trying to help and said I wasn't... one of her kittens or whatever she thought I was... and then that she didn't have to come around anymore." Maya gulps, and now the tears she was holding back are even closer. "And then I just hung up on her like a complete asshole."

  
"..."

  
Maya looks up with her fists clenched tight enough to hurt. "I just--"

  
"Maya, do you really think that's the worst thing anyone has ever said to Kaoru?"

  
...

  
"What?"

  
Misaki looks her in the eye firmly with Kanon beside her, clasping her hand tightly. "I know Kaoru. You said it yourself. Er, we both do, me and Kanon. Probably better than anybody... except maybe Shirasagi, but..." Kanon gives her a squeeze and she clears her throat to get back on track. "Yeah. Anyway. You know how... eccentric Kaoru usually is, how she sticks her nose into everybody's business because she wants to help every single person she comes across? Well, not everybody appreciates that. I didn't for a long time."

  
Maya wants to say something in response but the words aren't there. So with encouragement from Kanon, Misaki continues.

  
"I've been a jerk to her myself, you know. Kind of a lot. But she's not a bad person and she--usually--doesn't deserve it. So I end up apologizing to her a lot too. And she really doesn't hold grudges. Just look at Shirasagi, she's always been a huge bi--" Kanon squeezes her hand tight with a disapproving look and Misaki winces. "She's always had a... complicated relationship with her. But ask Kaoru any day, any time, any year, she'll say they're friends."

  
Misaki stops, looking like her train of thought has derailed. So Kanon takes over and meets Maya's gaze with her big, soft eyes. It's odd. She's barely spoken to Kanon outside of drummer meetups back in the day and the occasional greeting whenever she's ended up in the apartment after a date with Misaki. But something about her makes Maya feel safe.

  
"Maya," Kanon begins in a voice like a cool breeze, "do you want to hear about how Hello Happy World broke up?"

  
"Kanon!" Misaki hisses, looking terrified. This obviously wasn't part of their plan. Or at least Misaki's plan. But Kanon gives her a long look that Misaki can't seem to respond to, and she settles down again, leaning a little against Kanon's side.

  
The thing where Misaki didn't ask questions about Maya's personal life? It went both ways. Maya never asked about the band--though she knew they were still actively in contact, of course--just like how Misaki never asked about Pastel*Palettes or anyone in it. A silent agreement that she was never certain was truly mutually beneficial. And from Misaki's reaction it did sound more like she never talked about Hello Happy because...

  
...well, probably because she thought Maya wouldn't react well to stories about bands breaking up, and she was right. But the thing is, Maya's changed after her journey seeking out all her old friends. At least a little bit. And maybe from her perspective just one step removed from their everyday life, Kanon could tell.

  
"Um, yeah," Maya says quietly as Misaki and Kanon watch her. "If there's something you want to tell me about... I'd like to hear it."

  
Kanon pauses for a moment before she begins. "When we broke up... well, it wasn't all dramatics or anything, it was just practical. Which is, um, sort of odd to think about--we were always the least practical of all the old bands, right? But I was going off to college to study marine biology, Kaoru's acting career was starting to ramp up with local shows, and Misaki was gonna be going to school herself. Er, well, that was the plan at the time." Kanon looks over apologetically and Misaki gives her a reassuring smile. "Kokoro and Hagumi had their own family situations going on and with everything... we just couldn't justify trying to stay together as a band. So we broke up."

  
It's basically what Maya expected to hear, more or less. She settles down into the chair as her arms start to grow heavier.

  
"But!" Kanon exclaims, a bit louder than before. "Um, we never actually called it that, is the thing? As far as we're all concerned Hello Happy World is still active. We're just... no longer a band. We all made an agreement--in our lives going forward, even if we're apart, we'll all do our best to put smiles on the faces around us and take care of the people we love. And if we can do that, we're still Hello Happy World." She folds her hands in her lap and smiles down at them.

  
Misaki reaches out to put her hand on top of them, and then she looks up to Maya. "Yeah. That's what we all decided on, even if I'm kinda... slacking on it. And you know who came up with that idea?"

  
"...Kaoru," Maya says, knowing without knowing, because who else would have thought of something so simple and so ridiculously, childishly optimistic? Ah, well, maybe Kokoro too, but that'd make less sense in this context, so... "It was Kaoru, wasn't it?"

  
A nod. "I thought it was kind of dumb when she first said it." Kanon gives her a little glare and Misaki shrinks. "What? Sorry. I'm just saying, at the time, I did. But you know, Kaoru took it seriously from the minute the thought came to her mind. She means everything she says. No matter how it sounds or how it looks. No matter what people think of it or whether it's even a good idea, it's all coming from here." Misaki taps her chest over her heart with a fist. "I can't help but respect her for that even if she's an idiot sometimes."

  
"I..." Maya grits her teeth and closes her eyes, and for just a moment she's back in the center, burying her messy face in Kaoru's chest as long arms reach out to hold her steady. "I do, too. A whole lot. And I... I know I need to go find her and apologize." Ah, there it is. The déjà vu she was missing just the other day is here in full force. One more fuck-up, one more journey to try and make up for it.

  
"Hold up." Misaki pauses as Maya lifts her head to look her in the eyes again. "I'm not done. What I'm--what we're trying to say is, everything Kaoru says is honest, and yeah, I respect that. But that doesn't mean everything she does is always right. Not everything she does is gonna help, sometimes that sort of... blind optimism will only make things worse. And I don't want you--I don't know, forcing yourself to feel like it's always helpful. If it's not what you need, you should tell her that." Misaki nods to punctuate her words before offering a quick concession. "I mean, of course, it's your call this time. If you think you crossed the line yourself then you should apologize. But..."

  
Kanon reaches over to take Misaki's hand again, and Misaki continues. "Just... remember you don't always have to feel the way people want you to feel. Sometimes you're gonna feel like shit and you're going to push people away and the help they offer isn't gonna help. And it sucks. It really does, I know you know that. But it's okay, Maya. Really."

  
...

  
Ah, there are the tears she was trying to hold back. Maya feels her lip tremble as she wipes her eyes with her sleeve, doubling as a hiding place for her face, she doesn't know what sort of expression she's making right now. A gasp from the couch, then a moment later there's a slender arm around her back helping her up. Kanon must have come to help.

  
She lets herself be led over out of the chair and to the couch, and then sits in the space in the center, open once again for her. Kanon rubs her back slowly as Maya lets out a quiet sob, and then on her other side there are familiar arms pulling her in.

  
Misaki gives good hugs when her heart is in it. Maya never knew, not in all the time they've been roommates and friends. Not in all the times Misaki has helped her through a panic attack. Sure, they hugged before on the day Maya reached out to her old friends, but it didn't feel like this. They just didn't have that sort of relationship. But as Maya lets herself sink into Misaki's loose embrace, one of her arms wrapped around Maya's shoulders and the other resting on her hand as Kanon continues to rub her back, she thinks that maybe they can have that sort of relationship now. Maybe they've both changed enough to allow for it.

  
...

  
......

  
Eventually the well must run dry, and this time it finally, really feels like it has. Maya pushes away from Misaki gently and shifts back to the center of the couch. "...Thank you, Misaki... and Matsu--um, Kanon, too..."

  
Kanon beams at her from her side, and Misaki looks away, her face bright red from all the physical affection. "Don't mention it," she mumbles, "just trying to do my part for Hello Happy, right?"

  
Yeah. Maya's done crying. And she's done sitting around here and feeling sorry for herself when there are people right here--right in her living room!--so eager to pull her back up, so quick to trust that she would do the same for them, and of course she would. Always. So in this moment, she makes an agreement with herself. She's going to take all the help she's offered from now on, and she's going to offer as much help as she can in return. And if that's not enough to drag her out of that dark bedroom then so be it, she can endure it again if she has to. But she's done crying. And she's done pushing people away.

  
She stands from the couch with an energy she doesn't expect to feel. Turning to her friends, she bows, and they both let out surprised noises, but she isn't done. "Really! Um, thank you so much for going over all of that and talking to me. I appreciate it a lot and--er, if there's ever anything I can do for you, don't hesitate to ask, okay?"

  
"..." Misaki's stare grows soft. "Alright. Sure, Maya, I will." Beside her, Kanon nods with a smile. Not only has she strengthened one friendship, she's gained another. The thought sends a warm bolt through Maya's heart.

  
"Now, um..." Maya sits back down slowly between the pair and reaches up to fiddle with her glasses as she realizes she's missing something important. "Er, Misaki, you know where Kaoru lives, right? I don't want to just call her. It's gotta be in person."

  
"Ah, yeah, I get you." A pause. "...Wait, she never invited you over to her place? Ever?" Misaki just looks confused now. She squints. "Was I, uh... misreading your relationship or something? All that stuff I was saying about how you should make sure to keep being honest with her, I was trying to push that because... are you two not... you know?"

  
"...What do I know?" Maya asks, knowing exactly what she is supposed to know.

  
"I thought you were--I mean, maybe not together, but like--there's something happening there, right?" Misaki is only growing sweatier. "Fuck, did I completely misinterpret your stuff with her? I don't wanna--"

  
"We're not dating." Maya leans back into the couch, and the impression her back makes in the cushions makes Misaki and Kanon lean a little closer to her. She folds her arms. "Natsuki said the same thing, or something similar... I don't get it. Why do people think that? She's just--I mean, it's Kaoru! If you think there's something there just because she flirts sometimes, isn't she always like that?"

  
"It feels different," Misaki says simply. She doesn't elaborate.

  
"How so?"

  
"...I don't know. I just remember being around her all the time when she was with her fans, back in school, and the way she always talked to them and treated them wasn't the same as this, not at all." Misaki flops back with Maya against the couch, leaving Kanon as the sole bastion of proper seating. "You know her voice changes when she's with you, right? She talks a little faster. Like she's excited for you to hear her words. Probably a weird fucking thing for me to notice but I noticed and I don't think you would have so... yeah, that's something."

  
Maya stares at the old poster on the wall across from them, the one Kaoru complimented her on. Regardless of whether she got the band right, she still noticed it, she took the time to try. "Does she really? I guess I don't talk to her when she's not... er, talking to me..." She feels something rising inside her as she asks the question that's about to slip off her tongue.

  
"Is there anything else?" Maya asks.

  
And then in the single moment before Misaki can reply, something changes. A fundamental shift, like the world moving underneath their couch and leaving Maya in a new place where the air tastes different.

  
Ah.

  
It no longer matters what the response to her question will be. There's another answer right in front of her. All she can feel is the sensation in her chest that emerges as soon as the words, coated in a hopeful tone, escape her lips. What matters... is that there's a little fluttering bird in her chest that tells her she _wants_ for there to be more. She hopes there is. And as soon as she feels the very first beat of its wings, the displacement of air it creates, she knows.

  
Maya wants Kaoru to love her.

  
Does that mean that she loves Kaoru? She doesn't know. That can wait.

  
But Maya Yamato wants Kaoru Seta to love her, and she knows this truth now like it's carved into her bones. It's true and it's been true since... when? Finland, at the club, when Kaoru sang her--not the bar, _her_ \--a love song? Since the day she took a step forward and made Kaoru proud? Since the day they reunited in tears and laughter and warmth on a couch just like this one, hiding from the chill of the night air outside? How long now has she been waiting, hoping for Kaoru to turn her spotlight on Maya?

  
She didn't notice it for so long. So caught up in her yearning for the past, she didn't see what was happening right in front of her, even though the people around her could pick up on it so easily. But her eyes are open now. The bird in her chest is taking flight. Maya follows its path and stands from the couch in a sudden motion, nearly tipping forward over the coffee table from her momentum. 

  
Misaki fumbles the end of her sentence out of surprise. "--that I--wait, Maya? What's up?"

  
Meeting her confused gaze with a steady, fragile sense of resolve, fists balled at her sides to keep the ends of her fingers from tingling, Maya asks the only question that matters. "Misaki, where does Kaoru live?"

* * *

The street outside the apartment building is the same, but something's so different about it, like the heat melted away a layer of ice she never noticed until it was gone. There's still the same bustle of people and the same cars and the same--it doesn't matter. It's all there but it doesn't lean into her personal space like it did before. She has better things to worry about than whether she's being seen.

  
CLATTER

  
Even that same goddamn noise from the broken grate can't make her jump right now, its power is gone and evaporated into the air. Maya doesn't have room in her head for fright or anxiety. She's only got room for one thought.

  
_I need to see her._

  
Each step a wingbeat. Birdsong in the air surrounds her, envelops her and quickens her pace. _I need to see her._ She needs to apologize. But it's not the same, it's not just one more fuck-up like she thought, that's not it at all. If there was any chance of Kaoru hating her... well, the more she thinks about that idea, the more ridiculous it sounds. Kaoru's probably never hated anyone. Maybe she'll be upset, sure. That's deserved. But the difference is that in this moment she believes she can take that hit, and that the two of them can work it out. She can't let doubt creep into her mind. Not this time.

  
_I need to see her and I need her to see me._

  
The bus is here, pulling up to the curb in a rough sort of graceful motion as shock absorbers groan under its weight. The doors clap open and Maya steps up and inside, digging through her bag for a moment to fetch her bus pass and tap it against the pad. It turns green and the driver gives her a nod. She nods back, and then on some impulse smiles back at them, too.

  
There's a tingling all over her body, it's like all the unused potential energy of the last few days is filling her all at once through the marrow in her bones and charging her with an unstable force. She makes her way past some other passengers and doesn't bother paying attention to whether they're staring or glaring or laughing or whatever else. There's a seat near the back and she takes it. Her hand flutters and her fingertips tap a rhythm out against the plastic between her seat and the open one beside it.

  
The glow of Maya's phone lights up the back corner of the bus as she checks a map--Misaki gave her the address but it's on a side of town she doesn't visit often. This line should get her there in... ten stops? Alright, just gotta keep track of the street names.

  
...

  
......

  
Ahhhhh, but she can't take this waiting! She should have just run or something, that'd let her get some of the excess energy out. But then she'd be showing up at Kaoru's door all sweaty and out of breath and that wouldn't do at all. She wants Kaoru to see her at her best and her most composed. The best Maya that Maya can be. A Maya that's easy to...

  
...like. Her tapping stops. Then it speeds up and loses any sense of rhythm.

  
First things first. Remember the street names. Get to her apartment, suck it up and apologize, promise it won't happen again and mean it. This is what's important right now.

  
Music will help her focus.

  
_Changed only for a sight of sound, the space agreed,_  
_Between the picture of time behind the face of need._

  
Jon Anderson's voice croons gently through her earbuds as Maya leans back into her seat. The song washes over her like saltwater moving across the sand, an ocean full of undiscovered life. She closes her eyes for a minute--just a few moments--to imagine it as the instrumentals rise up and up, lifting her into the air and giving her a perspective she would have never dreamed of in that bedroom. There's so much to be seen.

  
_Coming quickly to terms of all expression laid_  
_Emotion revealed as the ocean maid_  
_All complete in the sight of seeds of life with you, oh!_

  
Maya flies over the ocean on wings tired from disuse and neglect. Each beat breathes new life into them. From this angle, the water looks so different, she can see so much further down. Beautiful beasts live in the deeps far from prying human eyes. Life whirling and endlessly evolving into new forms. New bodies.

  
Could Kaoru see it? Is this view--wings outstretched to catch the cool air and eyes wide watching the extent to which life flourishes even in the deepest darkest depths--what she saw when she looked at Maya? She hopes so.

  
_Coming quickly to terms of all expression laid_  
_Emotion revealed as the ocean maid!_

  
The water's surface draws nearer, clearer, she can almost make out the largest shape that rests at the ocean's floor. It's massive. A silhouette comes into view more and more--some sort of shipwreck jutting out from the sand and rock on the ocean's floor. An ancient, time-worn vessel, the kind that pirates would have taken out to sea on their journeys. There's treasure hidden deep inside. She doesn't know how she knows it but she does. She's taking it back today.

  
Maya draws in her wings and dives.

  
_As a movement regained and regarded both the same,_  
_All complete in the sight of seeds of life with you!_

  
In the instant before she's about to hit the water's surface, she realizes it's not pure blue. Her ocean is tinted purple.

  
HOOOOOOOONK

  
The sound jerks Maya from her daydream and the sudden motion of sitting up pulls the earbuds out as the end of the cord hooks under her leg. They fall into her lap as the song transitions, playing the funky opening chords of a barely audible Siberian Khatru to a captive audience of her jeans. She shakes her head and rubs her eyes. She doesn't usually get lost inside her head like that...

  
Oh fuck. What street is this?

  
Maya leans over quickly to peer out the window, searching for a glimpse of a signpost before realizing she can just look up at the electronic display inside the bus. What street is that? It sounds familiar, but... ah, wait, okay. They're almost to her stop. It's a good thing she escaped her fantasy when she did, then.

  
She stands and squeezes past a few disinterested passengers--the bus really filled up along the way, huh--and slips out the exit door and down onto the street with a small hop. The energy that filled her up is starting to ebb, but that's fine, there's still enough to push her forward. She moves onto the sidewalk as the bus pulls away behind her and takes a cursory glance around. Kaoru's apartment building is supposed to be on this block somewhere.

  
Well, it's certainly not close by. This area looks to be all clothes shops, broken up by a single bookstore between two large apparel joints that seem to be catering to the same audience of 'skinny young cis women who like large words on their shirts.' The bookstore looks so inviting and old-fashioned by comparison. She wonders if Kaoru goes there for the scripts and poetry collections she's always carrying around.

  
Time to get her bearings properly. If this is the more retail-heavy side of the street, then according to the map Misaki showed her before she left that should mean... ah, yeah, there it is. Kaoru's apartment building is right down the block. Unmistakable with its light blue exterior, it stands six floors high and looms over Maya in a way a building really shouldn't be able to do.

  
...Whoof. Now that it's tangible right in front of her and no longer just a concept, the energy from earlier is starting to drain away rapidly, replaced by a familiar sort of anxiety in her gut. Must have lost a lot of that adrenaline over the bus ride. Urgh. She turns away, walking around a bit just to get her legs moving so they don't get the opportunity to shake. She needs to pull herself together and buck up. Pretty soon, it'll just be her and Kaoru--

  
\--and Jimi Hendrix?

  
In poster form, guitar in hand, Hendrix stands a good six and a half feet tall in the window to make sure she knows that it's a music shop she just stumbled her way past. Just in case she couldn't tell from the band posters and memorabilia scattered throughout the window--or the faint sound of heavy chords coming from inside through the door, cranked up loud enough to be heard on the street. Maya takes a breath. She didn't know there was anything like this around here, let alone so close to where Kaoru lives!

  
Maybe she should go in and grab a gift before showing up at Kaoru's doorstep... yeah, that'd probably be for the best. Better to find something personal to show her appreciation instead of just saying it. There's another reason too, even if she doesn't want to think too hard about it. The atmosphere at places like this always put her at ease, and with the anxiety building... she could use a bit of down time to chill out.

  
She swings her bag around by the strap, wincing as she notices how it's a little lighter with the remains of her old drumsticks left at home. If this place is anything like the others she's been to recently they'll want to check bags on entry, so she might as well get it ready. The metal bar across the door is cold under her hand as she pushes her way inside.

  
Oh, wow. This is... much bigger than the other shops she's been to.

  
The interior of the store stretches back far. Her eyes sweep over wide expanses of CD rows separated by hanging genre signs and capped off by displays featuring new albums and best sellers, gazing past them to the back wall, practically wallpapered in layers of posters ranging from brand new to yellowed and peeling and probably older than she is. She only recognizes about half of the faces and covers on display. It's hard not to wonder about the stories behind each of them, when they were put up and why and by who...

  
Heavy chords play over the speakers, the same ones she heard outside but at a surprisingly reasonable volume. She doesn't know the song but it's not bad. Maybe she'll ask somebody about it--that's the best thing about coming to places like this, finding stuff she's never heard of. When she went to her own smaller shop more regularly sometimes she'd just grab a handful of cheap CDs with interesting covers as a bit of a gamble. Come to think of it, that's how she found Masu Dore... though World is Yours was a bit more expensive than her usual gambles. It was worth it, though.

  
"Miss?"

  
Maya blinks at the woman at the counter--short but kind of cool, and a little older than her--before getting her bearings. Ahh, can't get too distracted... "Hi, sorry! Um, you check bags here, right?" A nod and a smile, the woman's probably just glad that Maya knows the deal already. She hands her bag over the counter carefully after double-checking she's got her phone and her wallet already. In return, she gets a little clip with a number on it.

  
Just as Maya's about to turn away and head into the shop, out of the corner of her eye she sees the clerk reach down and pull out a box from under the counter to put hers inside. And that's when she sees it.

  
The color pattern on that strap sticking out from the left side of the box! Maya recognizes it as soon as she sees it, and it's far too bright and garish to be a mistake. No, that purple and white strap is attached to the same sort of bag Kaoru's carried with her every time Maya has seen her. And if Kaoru's bag is here, that means... oh, wow, that's really Maya's luck. She's not getting a reprieve. It's time to face Kaoru right here and now.

  
And the thought of it should be exciting! She was just so ready to find her after the talk with Misaki, so where'd all that energy and enthusiasm go, seriously? Maya still wants to see her just as much, it's just... 

  
Alright. Slow down. Before she has a breakdown--or anything else--she should at least make sure she's not overreacting over a quick glimpse of a purse. "Um, excuse me," Maya says to the woman at the counter, "sorry, this is sort of an odd question but... have you seen a tall woman with purple hair come in recently? I'm looking for her and I think she might be here."

  
"You mean Kaoru?" the woman says immediately, and Maya can't even muster up a surprised expression, of course Kaoru's made herself known. "She's been coming around a lot lately, yeah! I think I remember her arriving about an hour ago. She should still be here somewhere, though I have no idea where..."

  
"I see... thank you," Maya says, maybe just a little faintly. Well, if this woman knows Kaoru--especially if she's bought things here before--then maybe she'll have suggestions as to what Maya could grab as an offering before she goes looking for her. "Er... I was actually also looking to buy her something, if she's in here often do you have any idea what she'd like as a gift?"

  
The longer she talks, the more the same flush must return to her face judging by the way the clerk's own expression changes. She looks both embarrassed to be witnessing Maya's state and also... a little wary, for whatever reason. "Were you--" She switches to a hushed tone. "--were you going to confess to her or something? Because we already had somebody do that in here last week and she turned them down. Very, very nicely! But it still caused kind of a commotion, and, um, would you mind doing it outside? I'm so sorry."

  
"That's--" Maya clamps her mouth shut. Even ignoring--continuing to ignore, she should say--whatever her feelings towards Kaoru are, exactly, it really wouldn't be wise to put them on display in front of a stranger. She could potentially be putting Kaoru in danger if she implied anything, right? And, well, herself too, but that's a secondary concern. "No, I just need to talk to her about something. I'm sorry, I don't want to take up too much of your time..."

  
"No, no, you're fine!" the woman--Maya finally takes a quick look at her name tag, which reads EMI--says apologetically. "You know," she says as she brightens up a bit, "I've checked out her orders a few times and she seems to like Queen a lot. News of the World and Jazz were her last pickups. I'd go with something from them."

  
Of course. Why didn't Maya think of it first? She can absolutely find a solid older Queen album here, pay for it quickly and then go find Kaoru. It'll be perfect. "Thank you so much, um, Emi!" she says as she feels a smile come on.

  
"Don't mention it!" Emi replies. Maya's about to turn away and go searching for the rock section when she's stopped in her tracks. "Oh! Hey, wait a second, somebody actually just returned this one earlier! Would this be a good pick, do you think?"

  
When Maya turns around, she can't help but freeze up for a moment.

  
The record Emi's holding up triumphantly is familiar for a good reason. Mythical beasts emerge from the inky darkness to reveal a stylized Q that holds a crown--A Day At The Races. AKA, the album featuring a very specific song that triggers very specific emotions in Maya. Good Old-Fashioned Lover Boy will never sound the same to her again. She couldn't ask for a better album to give to Kaoru. "That's perfect."

  
"Awesome!" Emi replies. "If you want, I can ring you up for it now and keep it back here while you look around for her? Just so she doesn't see it." It's so considerate Maya almost wants to cry. She nods enthusiastically instead, and Emi scans the back before tapping a few keys and gesturing towards the card reader. Maya swipes it and hopes she's got enough of a balance for it to go through fine.

  
It does, with a little green light and a loudly printed receipt. Emi hands it to her and bags up the record behind the counter before carefully putting it down with Maya's other bag. "Okay, just come back when you're ready to pick everything up."

  
"Thank you so much, seriously," Maya says, trying to pack as much gratitude in the words as possible. If she focuses on that then she won't have to think about seeing Kaoru soon, and maybe the fluttering in her gut will calm down for a little while at least.

  
Emi pauses for a moment while she looks at Maya, as if wondering whether to say something else in return, but before she can another woman's voice comes out from over the little radio hooked onto her pocket. _"Yo, Emi, do we have anything by--the hell is this--100 Gecs? This guy on the phone wants to know and I've never heard of 'em."_

  
She picks up the radio and calls back, "Gimme a second, honey, I've got somebody at the front." Hooking it back onto its holster for a moment she gives Maya a smile and a final comment before turning away. "Good luck. I'm rooting for you." 

  
...

  
Alright then. If that's settled, then it's time to go on a Kaoru hunt.

  
First things first, if Maya wants to actually find her instead of just bumping into her without warning she needs to figure out the layout of the store. It shouldn't be all that hard to guess which genres Kaoru will be looking for. Soundtracks, musical scores, probably classical too. The issue is just figuring out where they are... compounded by the realization, on noticing a door off the side, that this store has at least two floors. At first she thinks the records might be underneath, but it looks like the formats are somewhat mixed, only separated by genre. Okay.

  
She moves down the rows, sparing quick glances at the signs over each one. Metal. Rock. Pop rock. Pop. Vocalists. Jazz. It does seem to have a logic to it, at the very least, but no luck yet. And god, is it taking some effort to not make a beeline to browse, but she can't let herself get sidetracked--oh shit, they've got some Dinosaur Jr. on that end cap display, cool. Wait, no!

  
Alright, here, the next row down. Classical. Maya takes a long look down the aisle, and... yeah, it's sort of barren. Only one person is browsing at the moment and they're a good few decades older than the woman she's looking for. Damn.

  
Next section, then, which for some reason is New Age. Electronic. Rap. Hip-hop. Death Metal--why is this so far away from Metal!? She's getting close to the end, if it's not here she'll need to head downstairs. Or she could ask an employee or even another customer who might know the place better... but she'd really rather not bother anybody, she can usually find her own way in places like this just fine.

  
Just for the hell of it she takes a look down the Death Metal row and it's more or less what she expects, a couple of mildly scary people in dark clothes covered in patches. And--wait. Further down. Past those people, there's somebody else browsing through the A to D section of the CDs. She knows that specific leather jacket! Maya squeezes her way down the aisle, apologizing as she moves past the first group, then waving a bit sheepishly as she comes out on the other side and approaches the person she spotted. "Um, hey! Natsuki!"

  
Natsuki blinks. They set down the CD they were looking at and after a second--just long enough for Maya to worry that they've heard the worst from Kaoru and that it was a bad idea to call out to them--they smile at her widely. "Maya! Hey, what's up? Didn't expect to see you around here." They gesture to the aisle, coated in covers all adorned with skulls, blood, and viscera. "...Uh, especially not here. Heh."

  
"I was gonna say the same thing," Maya replies with a relieved sort of happiness coming through in her tone. "I didn't know you liked this sort of thing? I guess we've never really talked about music much, though..."

  
"Oh, hell yeah!" Natsuki grins and claps their hands together reverently. "It's my favorite! I don't think I ever mentioned, but, uh, you remember when I told you about my old band? CHiSPA? We actually kinda made a hard pivot near the end of our run when a couple of us got really into this stuff. We were terrible at it, yeah, but it was so fun."

  
Maya nods, wondering what Natsuki must have looked like fronting a death metal band... probably not that different, actually, with the old jacket and all. Their personality is just so different from what she'd expect out of somebody who'd be a part of that scene, she can't quite imagine them screaming as loud as that. Maybe she should ask if they've got any recommendations. And then she thinks for a moment and realizes something else. "Wait, does that mean they'd have any of your albums here...? Is that why you're looking around in the Cs?"

  
An enthusiastic, if slightly embarrassed nod from them. "Yeah! I mean, they don't have anything, of course, we were small time. But hey--check this out!" Natsuki flip through some CDs, plastic covers clicking against each other, until they find their target. A little row of plastic dividers with band names written on them. They pull one out from near the back to show her.

  
Ah! It's old and kinda worn down, but the letters are still legible and undeniable. CHiSPA. "Oh my gosh, Natsuki! That's so cool!"

  
"Right? Like, wow, somebody actually gave a shit about us?" Natsuki's eyes are brimming over with pride. They carefully slot the divider back into place among a handful of dusty older ones, the misfits with no material to advertise. "Sometimes that stuff feels like a dream, you know? But people cared. It was real. Makes me even more excited for the show."

  
The show. Oh, fuck. Do they mean... "Natsuki, I texted you the other day, right?" Maya feels herself shrink lower. "Um, I don't remember it all that well, but you know my band's not coming?"

  
"Oh, yeah! Sorry." Natsuki waves their hands apologetically. "Sorry, that's not what I meant, I guess I never got a chance to let you know... uh, with everything you've been telling me and what I've been hearing from Kaoru and stuff, I got it into my head that I should try and put together a little CHiSPA reunion. Your idea for a show at the center was great. We're probably still going to try and put something on... but if you can't make it that's totally fine! You're always welcome to come over, though, maybe even just to do a couple sets on the drums?"

  
For a second, Maya considers it. And it's a really sweet offer. But... "No, sorry, I don't think I'd feel comfortable up on stage without... my friends. Thank you, though, and I'll definitely try to make it over to watch you guys."

  
"Gotcha loud and clear." Natsuki looks a little unsure of where to go next, but after a moment they reach out and... oh. A hand rests gently on top of Maya's head for just a moment, a comforting pressure and warmth. And then it's quickly pulled back. "Uh, sorry if that was weird. I've just--" Natsuki looks away. "--gonna be honest I've wanted to do that for a while."

  
Maya sputters for a moment and averts her gaze too. "Um, er, don't apologize! Thank you, you're welcome to do that sort of thing... I mean, we're friends, right?"

  
"You bet," Natsuki replies simply and leaves it at that.

  
...

  
...Wow this is awkward uhhhhhhhhhhhh OH! KAORU! "Kaoru!" Maya blurts out. "I was looking for her! Have you seen her anywhere? I was trying to find the section for soundtracks and musicals but it wasn't anywhere I looked up here so I was gonna check downstairs but then I saw you and--" She takes a breath and slows down. "Sorry. Um, have you happened to spot Kaoru? I know she's here somewhere, I just haven't been able to find her yet."

  
"Is she really?" Natsuki looks a little confused. "I think I would have seen her... I guess it does make sense, though, she's the one who recommended this place to me. She lives nearby, right?"

  
"Yeah, that's how I ended up here..." Maya doesn't know if she should keep going. Natsuki gives her a little reassuring nod, though, and she does. "Um, I've been trying to find her to apologize... the other day, before I texted you, I was kind of a jerk to her. I'm trying to find her so I can make it up to her. I also need to, um, talk to her about other stuff--" Maya stops herself as her face starts to flush. She can't just blurt out everything!

  
"...Don't be too hard on yourself, alright?" Natsuki looks her over and Maya stands up a bit straighter. "You've been through a hell of a lot in the last couple months. Be honest with her and Kaoru won't hold it against you. Especially you."

  
Maya must have made a face or something at that last addition because Natsuki laughs sheepishly in reply. "Sorry, sorry, I'm not gonna go on about that, I did say I'd chill out about it the other day." They pause for a few moments as the song playing on the speakers drones on towards its conclusion. Then Natsuki looks her way with a question in their eyes. "Hey, Maya?"

  
"Hmm?"

  
"What's your favorite genre of music?"

  
It comes a little out of nowhere, an odd sort of turn from their last subject. Maya thinks on it for a minute. She does like rock and indie rock a lot, among other genres, but if she really had to pick one favorite out of everything she listens to these days the decision's pretty clear. One look around her record collection--or the posters in the apartment--would make it obvious. "...Prog rock. '70s and '80s stuff. Yes, ELP, Nektar, all that."

  
"Ooh, neat." Natsuki nods decisively. "Pretty sure the prog section's gonna be next to the main rock aisle. If it's anything like the rest the dividers should change color once you're there." They wink. "Go check it out for me?"

  
"I need to keep looking for Kaoru, though...?" Maya asks, searching Natsuki's face confusedly.

  
Natsuki pauses as if caught off guard. Then they give her a confident thumbs up. "Don't worry about it, I'll look around for her. Just go browse for a bit, okay? Trust me." And Maya does trust them, so after a moment of indecision she nods. Natsuki smiles as a reply and heads off--presumably to wherever the soundtracks are hiding, they never gave Maya proper directions. Huh. Well, if that's the situation... then Maya can afford to go look around a little, right?

  
The spring that unexpected freedom puts in her step makes her feel kind of bad. But a little retail therapy is fine, today's been a fucking roller coaster so far and she'll need to pull herself together for Kaoru soon hopefully. She can flip through worn-out copies of Tarkus and Foxtrot as a treat.

  
Maya backtracks. Rap, New Age, Jazz, Pop... as she walks back through the rows, she lets her hand drift out and brush along the worn wooden shelves. They're covered in stickers and little bits of graffiti from pens and pocket knives--she doubts the store owners would stop her if she wanted to carve a little M + K into the side of one. She nearly trips over her own feet as she processes the thought. God! Can her brain stop for just a few minutes? She can't have this sort of thing rattling around in her brain when she sees--

  
Purple hair. Just a glimpse. It's enough--even if it were another color she could tell even if only from the way it curls just a little at the very end of the ponytail. It's her.

  
Why was she--was she here the whole time? Did Maya just miss her as she walked past, so set on the idea that she'd have to be in another section? Did they just manage to maneuver around each other like some ridiculous cartoon chase scene? Or... was Kaoru avoiding her?

  
Ah! No time to worry! From the glimpse Maya saw down at the end of the row Kaoru's heading for the door. She moves to follow, noting at the back of her mind as she passes that the end of this area is indeed the prog rock section, thank you, Natsuki. Fripp, Wetton, and Bruford see her off from the end of the row, peering out at her through the shadows on the cover of Red. But Maya's got a different shade of crimson on her mind right now.

  
Maya hasn't seen Kaoru's eyes in nearly a week. It took the possibility of seeing them again for her to realize how much she missed them, and how much she hopes they're still as bright as they were before. Something in her chest moves.

  
She rounds the corner to see another glimpse of purple hair--moving away from the counter with a large paper bag in hand, the woman she's after is already heading towards the door. Maya runs to catch up and nearly slams into another customer, apologizing as quickly and profusely as she can while her eyes follow the door as it swings closed.

  
Before she knows it her hand is on that cold bar yanking the door open towards herself, then she's leaping out onto the street and casting her eyes all around looking for--

  
Ah.

  
"Kaoru!" Maya yells at the top of her lungs, and the other woman turns around to see her.

  
...

  
Kaoru's eyes are just the same as they've always been. Not broken or dull, they've still got the same light behind them even as they widen at Maya's desperate expression. "Ki--Maya..." Kaoru replies softly, standing in place with the bag under her arm and with her hands at her sides. Her mouth stays open just a bit, as if she's got something more to say, but she stops there. Neither of them seem to know what to say first.

  
The two stare at each other on the street for what feels like a century as the wind flows back towards Maya, taking the edge off the heat and ruffling her hair back around her face. She blinks. What did she want to say to Kaoru? So much time spent thinking about it and not a moment spared to figure this part out. She has to apologize, but--wait! Ah! She forgot her--!

  
"Hold on, sorry, be right back!" Maya yells.

  
Kaoru looks like she's about to say something but before she can Maya turns on her heel and scurries back for the door, heading into the record shop and searching in her pocket for the object she needs.

  
She heads to the desk and realizes she's out of breath as soon as she opens her mouth. "Hi, um, my bags were being held...?" She holds out the clip and the woman--a different one this time, taller--swipes it up, quickly reaching down to grab her bags with a wink. It must be obvious Maya is in a rush. As soon as it's in her hands she's back out the door in a flurry of motion and her shoes hit the concrete outside with a clap, then she steps towards her destination as she rifles through the paper shopping bag.

  
"I, um--" Maya starts. Then she finds her grip on a corner of the slipcase and yanks the album out before moving forward and nearly shoving it into Kaoru's arms. She closes her eyes and bows. "I'm really, really sorry for being such a jerk to you when you were just trying to help, and, and um I got you this and I hope you like it! I'm sorry again!"

  
...

  
......

  
Oh god she doesn't want to look up. Why isn't Kaoru saying anything?

  
...

  
Maya peeks up, and...

  
...and Kaoru is gazing down at her with eyes brimming with gratitude and maybe something like relief. Her arms wrap around the album and hug it tight against her chest, one half of a winged lion visible through her fingers as she holds it. "Maya, you got this for me?" Kaoru says with a soft smile growing. "How'd you know this is one of my favorite albums? I've been meaning to pick it up myself, this is wonderful."

  
"It's just a record," Maya replies a bit faintly, "that's a bit much, huhehe..."

  
"Nonsense. You chose it yourself, that gives it meaning, doesn't it?" Kaoru meets her eyes with a nod that says it's settled. "Ah... and as for your apology please understand that I could tell where you were coming from, Maya. If anything I'd like to apologize for pushing too much on my end. I know I tend to do that, and--"

  
"And I appreciate it!" Maya cries out before biting her tongue. "You do so much for me. Um, please don't blame yourself, Kaoru, I should have just told you I couldn't handle it right then instead of acting like I was fine, and then... letting myself blow up." She wrings her hands nervously. Kaoru notices and moves closer, tucking the album under her arm carefully.

  
A hand is outstretched, not quite touching hers. But if Maya reaches out in return it's there for her. "Am I right in assuming neither of us hold ill feelings towards each other, Maya?" Kaoru asks.

  
Maya stops moving for just a moment. Then she slowly disentangles her fingers from their places tightly wrapped around each other so tight it almost still hurts, and moves her hand out searchingly. Kaoru's hand is warm. Not quite soft, not what you'd expect, but every little detail--every hint of a callous on her fingers from her time playing the guitar, every minute way her fingers contract as Maya makes contact--only makes the feeling more comforting. Their palms touch gently. "Yeah," Maya replies, looking down at their locked hands.

  
It's so nice. And every moment of it makes it harder and harder for Maya to ignore the question rising back up in her mind, lifted up by gusts of wind. When Kaoru looks her in the eyes it makes it so hard to place the feelings in her chest aside. They're growing clearer by the moment.

  
"Then I suppose we've already mutually forgiven each other." Kaoru's voice grows a little lighter. "Let's make it a deal." She moves her arm up and down just a little to simulate a handshake.

  
Maya's hand moves along with it limply as she blinks and collects herself. After a moment she giggles from the unexpectedness of it. "Huhehehe... if you're okay with that, then, um... I really just want to avoid hurting you in the future going forward, Kaoru, okay?" Maya looks up with a hesitant gaze and finds Kaoru... staring to the side with her smile growing wider and shakier. Her hand squeezes Maya's a little tighter.

  
"Of course. In the future," Kaoru says quietly.

  
And then Maya feels her cheeks explode with heat. "Er, um, I didn't mean anything weird like that I just mean--I mean, we've gotta work out ways to communicate this stuff, right? Since we're gonna be seeing each other--uh, seeing each other so much, I mean. You know what I mean?" she says weakly, desperately hoping Kaoru knows what she means because at this point Maya really doesn't know herself.

  
Kaoru nods and Maya lets out a deep breath. She hopes Kaoru didn't notice it.

  
"...How'd you know I was here, Maya?" Kaoru asks, cocking her head to the side just a bit in a way that makes the bird in Maya's chest beat its wings one more time so she knows it's still there. "Surely you haven't been carrying such an awkwardly-shaped gift--" She hoists the album like it's a priceless treasure. "--around with you everywhere, have you? And for that matter, does your back hurt at all? I'd be happy to lend my aid. I've given massages to many tired kittens before."

  
"Ah, no!" Maya says quickly so that the image of Kaoru giving her a back massage can't send her train of thought off a cliff. "No, I'm fine, I just picked it up inside a minute ago... huhehe, I actually came around here just to go to your apartment building and went inside that shop on a whim. I didn't think you'd be there."

  
"You traveled all the way here to visit my home and I wasn't even there to greet you?" Kaoru asks, more than a hint of shock in her words as if she had committed the gravest crime known to man by indirectly denying Maya her hospitality. Even if Maya never actually went to her place. "Well, that won't do at all. You've got to get some rest after I made you run all around who knows where looking for me, and I think I can tell we've got more to discuss... so, would you like to come back to my apartment, Maya?"

  
A wingbeat. "Ah... is that okay?"

  
"Why would it not be?" Kaoru says as if it's the simplest thing in the world. And maybe when she says it like that... it can be.

  
Maya knows she should take her hand away. One of them is going to have to or they won't be able to get moving, and it's going to start getting dark soon. They've got to go. But Kaoru's hand is so warm that it makes her want to stay right here forever. She has to pull her hand away. She's got to pull herself out of this moment.

  
Before she can try, Kaoru shifts. Her gentle grip on Maya's hand turns around and her arm lowers to her side, and then suddenly they're not awkwardly standing there like two idiots who don't know how to finish a handshake. Instead, they're two idiots walking hand in hand together, side by side on the concrete with the wind behind them telling them to go a little faster. Wingbeat. Kaoru's thumb wraps around the back of her hand and holds it even tighter.

  
Wingbeat. Each and every step a wingbeat as they move without a word between them, without so much as a look or a breath or anything except the simplicity of their touch. Wingbeat. A flurry of feathers growing, drifting on thermals that rise up from the street. Maya's heart is soaring higher by the minute. 

  
The streets look different. Maybe it's because she's going backwards this time, maybe it's because the sun's going down, and maybe it's because Kaoru is at her side. Whatever the cause it's so much easier for Maya to see the life in them this time. The little stories that play out like one-act plays for an audience of two--the cat that crosses their path and pauses before scampering away and down into an alley, the graffiti on a wall half scrubbed away before its would-be destroyer got tired, the chalkboard sign outside a cafe being rewritten for the next day as the store slowly closes up shop--there's so much packed into every moment.

  
Maybe that's why it goes by so fast. Before Maya knows it they're already making their way into the lobby, and of course Kaoru takes a quick step ahead and holds the door open for her. It's cheesy, sure, but her cheeks still feel warm as she gives the other woman a nod and a smile before stepping inside ahead of her.

  
She heads for the stairwell, but before she can make it there's a tug on her hand. Turning, confused, she sees Kaoru looking at her with concern. "Kit--Maya, why not take the elevator? You've done a lot of walking today, and recently in general. Don't wear yourself out."

  
"..." Maya nods. But she knows there's a part of that sentence she has to address right away, before it becomes too awkward to go back to. "Um... Kaoru, I know what I said the other day and all, but..."

  
"...?" Kaoru waits for her patiently.

  
Maya looks away and covers her mouth with her free hand as the embarrassment mounts higher and higher in her stomach. "Kitten is... um, kitten is fine, you don't have to hold yourself back..."

  
...

  
Kaoru's thumb rubs her hand just a bit. "Understood, kitten."

  
When Maya uncovers her face and looks back, Kaoru is facing opposite her so she can't see her face at all. Kaoru heads towards the opposite side of the lobby where the elevator doors wait for them and Maya follows, eyes fixed on Kaoru's back. Ahh, what made her say that!? But she can't say she isn't glad that she did... hearing her say it again felt so comforting. Like a warm weighted blanket settling over her.

  
When Kaoru says it like that it's so easy to think that she loves--

  
DING! The elevator chirps as the doors slide open to reveal a brightly lit interior. Maya clears her mind quickly and follows Kaoru inside, standing beside her and avoiding eye contact. Kaoru taps the floor button and the doors close in front of them as the button lights up green. It's a short trip as they rise together, and after a moment Kaoru is leading the way out to where her apartment waits, the very last door at the very end of the hallway. Unit 33.

  
Kaoru unlocks the door and gestures for her to enter first. "Please excuse any mess, I didn't expect visitors today..." Just as Maya is about to start apologizing for intruding, Kaoru cuts her off with a disarming smile. "But, of course, I'm quite happy to have you here. Consider my home yours as well, won't you?"

  
"...Mmhmm, huhehe..." Maya replies bashfully before ducking past her and walking inside. Her eyes widen as she takes in the scene. "Ah, Kaoru! Your place is so nice!"

  
It's a little smaller than her apartment with Misaki, which makes sense considering that Kaoru's living here alone. And just one glance makes it crystal clear that Kaoru Seta is indeed living here. The furniture is minimal, just a couch and a few tables that look like antiques, holding delicate lamps and glass art pieces, which leaves room for a huge rug covered in deep colorful swirls and designs, so pretty that Maya doesn't want to step on it. The walls are covered both in art pieces--mostly reproductions of old European art, knights and fair ladies and terrible beasts--and framed posters.

  
Posters from all sorts of shows, plays, and musicals; there's even a Cats poster in there from the night Maya went to see her, newly framed and in a place of honor on the wall. Kaoru must keep a poster from every show she's involved in. It's such a sweet thought. Of course Kaoru's sentimental like that.

  
A hand rests on her shoulder gently. "You noticed that one? Of course, it's a memory that means quite a lot to me now. That performance was one of the most rewarding of my career thus far."

  
"You were great in it," Maya replies and she means every word. "Um, were they upset about you running off, though?"

  
Kaoru chuckles before moving away. "Of course, but I'd do it again in a moment."

  
Wingbeat.

  
Maya feels her face move into a weird, complicated expression, and to hide it from view she focuses harder on the art on the wall. She steps a bit closer to examine a specific piece. It's a scene depicting a regal woman in a crown and a long white gown, as she steps away from her throne to lower a silver sword down over a kneeling man's shoulder and knight him in her service. Sunlight streams through a window above them as a crowd watches the goings-on, mostly out of frame in favor of the two in their frozen moment.

  
A rustling sound from behind her catches her attention. She turns to see Kaoru fumbling with her bag from the record store and pulling out Maya's gift along with whatever it was Kaoru bought herself. Kaoru notices Maya's gaze and turns away from her a little. Maya can't see the other record. "Maya, please sit down if you're tired! Like I said, my home is yours."

  
"...Okay." Maya smiles back at her and heads for the couch, settling down and sinking into the overly-soft cushions. She takes a square pillow and hugs it to her chest out of habit before realizing that's not a thing people usually do. But now that she's here... oh, wow, she was more tired than she thought she was. Maya curls up and yawns as she hugs the pillow a little tighter. Not tired enough to fall asleep--she'd be mortified if Kaoru came over and found her snoring--but tired enough to close her eyes for a little bit.

  
...

  
The bird in her chest isn't calming down at all. Its wings flap and beat against the bars of its cage no matter how hard Maya tries to keep the door shut tight.

  
The apartment smells like Kaoru.

  
...Jesus Christ that observation is not helping the situation at all and also of course it does, it's literally her house!? But it's a nice sort of scent. Warm and comforting like she's found a verdant clearing in the middle of a thick, shadowed forest. Maya takes a deep breath and finds herself smiling.

  
It's that restful sort of state Kaoru finds her in when Maya opens her eyes and realizes that her friend's moved in front of her, hands held together like she has something to say. "Maya... kitten, I have to confess I haven't been entirely honest. I did invite you over to rest, that's true, but I had something else in mind as well." She fiddles with her fingers in a way that looks nervous despite the steady gaze she turns towards Maya.

  
Something else...? Maya feels her cheeks heat up as her mind runs headlong into dangerous territory and she quickly raises the pillow up a bit to shield her embarrassment from Kaoru, who doesn't fail to notice.

  
"Ah! Er, I apologize, kitten, I don't want to..." Kaoru coughs into her fist. "What I'm trying to say is. This is something I've been planning for a while now. Ever since I saw that first glimpse of the strength of your resolve." She looks at Maya with so much pride in her eyes. Just like every other time she was there behind Maya watching her take a shaky step forward. "Maya, have I told you how much I admire you?"

  
"Me?" Maya replies disbelievingly. She points to herself just in case Kaoru didn't get the message already. "What's to admire about me, though? I mean, sorry, I don't want to start degrading myself or anything but... I don't get it."

  
"..." Kaoru turns away and moves to the wall, brushing her hand up against the posters one by one as she walks along. "I don't entertain any pretensions that I'm not lucky, you know. Money, good grades, a career doing what I love most... acceptance from family, friends, and society for who I am, and a healthy sense of privacy attached to it all. Kaoru Seta is an astronomically lucky woman, and I'm astronomically lucky to be that woman. I know that."

  
"..." Maya wants to say something, but she doesn't know what. And Kaoru doesn't look like she's finished quite yet.

  
"So," Kaoru continues as she turns to face Maya, "when I see you struggling so valiantly against the things holding you back--even yourself--it makes me feel so proud, and it makes me want to do whatever I can to stand behind you. I want to give you all the strength I can muster up. But even if I couldn't I know you'd be able to stand on your own, and that is exactly what I admire about you. Because I know that if for whatever reason I lost my own friends, my world..." Her hand flexes at her side. "I know that I wouldn't have the strength or the willpower within myself to find them again."

  
"That's not true!" Maya cries out before she can stop herself. Kaoru's mouth snaps shut as she stares. At some point Maya stood up from the couch and launched the pillow onto the floor. "Um, sorry, Kaoru, but you're underestimating yourself, I think, and..." No time for anxiety. No time to second guess this. "...and if it ever came to that, I'd be right there to help you!"

  
...

  
...Oh, she really just said that out loud. To be fair it's completely true! But saying it out loud to her face is so--ahhh, it's really embarrassing...! Maya fights the urge to hide her face in her hands. Now's not the time for that.

  
"...Thank you, kitten," Kaoru says after a long pause, "I can't tell you how much it means to me to hear you say those words." 

  
"I mean it! Seriously!" Maya replies. "It'd be the least I could do in return for all your help..." She looks down at the rug, studies its patterns closely. "If not for you I don't think I would have had the strength to do anything at all. Or to realize where some of feelings were really coming from." She looks up at Kaoru and does her very best to push a smile on her face despite the redness starting to show on her cheeks. "Even if we're not doing the show, I have my friends back. And that's because of you."

  
Kaoru doesn't reply for a moment, only stares into Maya's eyes with an expression of surprise that shifts into gratefulness as her eyes crinkle at the edges. "Maya..." And then just as Maya thinks one of them is going to step forward into a hug Kaoru's eyes flick past her, over her shoulder.

  
Walking past her, Kaoru picks up the record from the table. Now that she's not trying to hide it Maya can recognize the cover. A surreal photo of a blue room with photographs of five men floating through it around strange doorways and glass beakers, with a logo plastered in the top left corner. It's not an album she's listened to often, but she does know the band well. The Moody Blues are always a staple on her calmer prog playlists. 

  
Kaoru slips the record out of its sleeve and puts it down carefully onto her player--new and shiny, probably recently bought--before turning back to Maya. "Now, Maya, I--"

  
"Um, Kaoru, you forgot to put the needle down."

  
"Ah!" Kaoru turns back to rectify her mistake and watch it carefully for a moment. Maya can tell the other woman must not have much experience doing this, but she's doing her best, and after a moment the music starts to play. Kaoru makes a satisfied noise and turns back to Maya with a smile on her face. "There we go, thank you, kitten."

  
The first song starts up like the beginning of a fairy tale, sweeping synth notes building the image of woods filled with magic and wonder as the skies above open up to reveal new colors, endless horizons. A wistful sort of vision. Then, first slowly and then faster, the beat comes in and sends her heartbeat pumping.

  
_Once upon a time_  
_Once when you were mine_  
_I remember skies_  
_Reflected in your eyes._

  
Kaoru meets her eyes and brushes a bit of hair from her face. "I intended for more... atmosphere, more time to build up to this. I was going to find us some good wine and get you all the most beautiful flowers I could find. But it feels right to do this now."

  
"To do what...?" Maya asks, feeling that little hopeful part of her she finally saw for the first time only that morning swell up to fill her whole body. She holds Kaoru's gaze and searches in her eyes for an answer, for anything.

  
Kaoru moves across the room to take Maya's hands gently. She holds them both with just the lightest touch and bows gracefully in front of her, overacted as always for the sake of the performance. For one night only, Kaoru Seta stars in an original production of her own design. Admit One. "May I have this dance, kitten?"

  
"..." Maya stares. Then she giggles. "Ah, huhehe, of course, but I don't really know how to dance..."

  
"I'll lead, then," Kaoru says with a smile.

  
_I wonder where you are_  
_I wonder if you think about me._  
_Once upon a time_  
_In your wildest dreams..._

  
The two of them glide across the carpet, at moments gracefully and others awkwardly, and it doesn't matter, all Maya can focus on is the rhythm of Kaoru's motions and the feeling of warm hands holding her steady, as they gaze into each other's eyes and try not to let their flickering, goofy smiles spoil the mood of the moment.

  
"I wanted to give you this, a night where I could make you feel like a star," Kaoru says quietly as she pulls Maya close to direct them both around, "as a sort of congratulations for everything you've accomplished. You deserve to be proud of yourself, Maya, and don't forget it." A pause, and then Kaoru holds her hands a bit tighter with a surge of confidence shining through. "As long as I'm by your side I won't let you forget it."

  
"Kaoru..." Maya whispers.

  
Kaoru looks down at her with a little uncertainty beginning to creep into her eyes. "I hope this song choice is to your liking? I wanted to find something to your own taste--progressive rock, I remembered from the times you've mentioned it in the past--but also something easy to dance to, and one of the employees at the record shop directed me to this album. Do you like it?" She squeezes Maya's hands.

  
"I love it." Maya smiles so wide it almost hurts her face at the way Kaoru's eyes light up. She's like a kid sometimes, so innocent and easily excited. It's so sweet. But she has to ask, as soon as the thought comes to her mind she knows she has to voice it. "Kaoru, um... how much do you know about the band? I'm just curious. You've heard of them, haven't you?"

  
"Oh, of course," Kaoru says with such pure confidence as the music swells around them, "I've always been quite the fan of the Mountain Goats."

  
Maya takes in a deep breath. And in that moment--that one single solitary instant, in which every kind of emotion fills up Maya's chest and explodes out in a symphony, a sob, a laugh, a wingbeat, in that one moment Maya knows absolutely for certain what she's feeling. She's so, so glad that it's Kaoru. And she can't hold herself back once it's in full view.

  
She moves up with the music.

  
_When the music plays_  
_And when the words are touched with sorrow_  
_When the music plays..._

  
The feeling of Kaoru's lips on hers is the softest sensation Maya has ever known. She puts her everything into it, stretching up on the tips of her toes to reach her, and she feels Kaoru's grip on her hands go slack and fall away. For just an instant her heart knows fear like she's never felt.

  
_When the music plays_  
_I hear the sound I had to follow_  
_Once upon a time..._

  
And then Kaoru's arms are wrapping around her back and pulling her closer, desperately holding Maya tight against her body as they kiss and everything in the world is right, every bit of fear and anxiety on both of their faces is gone, washed away as if it was never there at all. Nothing exists but Kaoru's lips and Kaoru's hands and Kaoru's faltering breaths as they pull away for just a second to blink at each other through a haze of emotion.

  
_Once upon a time_  
_Once when you were mine..._

  
"Kaoru," Maya starts to say, "I--"

  
"Do it again," Kaoru whispers before she can say another word.

  
Those wide, hopeful eyes are the most beautiful thing Maya has ever seen. Like the sky at dusk over the ocean, a scarlet sunset just for her. The bird is out of its cage and free from her chest. It flies for the open horizon presented before it and Maya's body moves with it as she closes her eyes tight, takes hold of the fabric of Kaoru's shirt and pulls her down into another kiss.

  
_Once upon a time,_  
_In your wildest dreams..._

  
Every caring look, every thoughtful word, every fumble and every smile. They've planted a seed somewhere deep inside her that only needed one look at the sky to break through and bloom. Maya loves Kaoru. She loves her so, so much. Maybe she always has. That doesn't matter, though, all that matters is that right now she loves Kaoru with everything she has and despite all the odds Kaoru might even love her back. Her long, slender arms hold Maya so delicately, like she's something precious. 

  
They pull away slowly. Maya searches deep in Kaoru's eyes and is met with a haze that clears to reveal pure and simple happiness, a joy that could fill the world. It's the most beautiful thing she's ever seen in her life.

  
"I love you," slips out of Maya's mouth effortlessly and without a thought. "Do you love me, Kaoru?"

  
"..." Kaoru holds her eyes as she stares back for just a moment. Then her hand moves down Maya's arm, holding her wrist gently and moving her hand to Kaoru's cheek. Kaoru kisses the edge of her palm so softly Maya barely feels it. "...If you'll forgive me for quoting myself just this once..." She whispers half into Maya's hand. _"I'd like for you and I to go romancing..."_

  
"Kaoru!" Maya cries, and then she starts giggling. She takes her other hand out of Kaoru's loose grasp and curls it into a fist to gently bonk against Kaoru's shoulder. "You're... huhehehe, you're a dork sometimes, you know that?"

  
" _Your_ dork," Kaoru replies in the most romantic way possible, smile growing, "if you'll have me, Maya."

  
Maya doesn't waste a second on indecision. "Of course!" she replies, and she feels herself melt under Kaoru's overjoyed gaze as she feels Kaoru's cheek grow warmer by the moment under her palm. "Of course, Kaoru..."

  
...

  
Er, what's she supposed to do now?

  
This is so nice. Kaoru's eyes, Kaoru's hands and the sensation of her cheek, it's all sublime, but Maya... has absolutely no idea what she's supposed to say or do next, she's never confessed to anyone before and she's certainly never been confessed to before! Should she kiss Kaoru again? God, she really wants to, just looking at her lips makes Maya feel weak. She was wearing lip gloss but Maya couldn't tell the flavor in the few moments they were together. Maybe she should try again. Does Kaoru want her to try again...?

  
Maybe Kaoru can tell from her face that her mind is starting to spin, because she leans in before Maya gets the chance. Maya feels a hand brush aside her hair so lips can leave a tender kiss on her forehead. It tickles a little bit. It makes her heart tickle. "Huhehehehe..."

  
"What a lovely laugh," Kaoru says just above a whisper, and then she pulls Maya closer with an arm around her back. Maya doesn't hold back. She wraps around Kaoru's back as tight as she can and rests her head under Kaoru's chin.

  
She's never known any place as warm and as comfortable as this. From her resting place so close to Kaoru's chest she can just barely hear the other woman's heart beating fast, a soothing rhythm.

  
"...Maya, would you like to come to bed with me?"

  
Every single muscle in Maya's body tenses up and before she can say a word Kaoru scrambles to clarify, voice growing at least an octave or two higher as she goes on. "Er, I apologize, I didn't mean it that way--I wouldn't, um--I simply mean to rest. Would you like to rest in my bed together with me, Maya? Ah, I hope that's not... too untoward, I just--"

  
"I would love that," Maya says with a squeeze to Kaoru's shoulder to send her out of her spiral. She has to hold back a giggle out of relief and amusement, feeling a little bad over how funny Kaoru's backpedaling is to her. "You're so comfortable, Kaoru..."

  
Kaoru makes a little yelping noise and it's the cutest thing Maya has ever heard in her life. She wants to hear it again.

  
They make it down the hallway, somehow. It takes a lot of shuffling and a lot of little compromises, every inch of distance between them feels like too much and every moment they're apart feels like forever. But they make it. Kaoru pushes the door open with her foot and flicks the light switch on as they walk into the bedroom together, and Maya takes it in as much as she can with her eyes constantly sliding back over to Kaoru's face.

  
It's not quite decorated the same as the rest of the apartment, there's more variety and less of a theme. This must be where Kaoru keeps all the little things she's held onto over the years. Shelves of knick-knacks, childhood plushes and snowglobes and gifts from her friends... one wall is almost entirely covered by a huge pink, white, and blue flag, which makes Maya smile as soon as she sees it.

  
And the bed... Maya's not sure what she was expecting, some sort of ornate four-post monstrosity with silk sheets and enough room for Kaoru's entire old band to pile on? No, Kaoru's bed is surprisingly simple. A king-size mattress on a dark wooden frame with blue flower-patterned sheets.

  
Kaoru leads her to it with a warm glance back and a shaky smile before lying down and holding out her arms. Maya falls into her embrace eagerly and buries her face deep in Kaoru's shoulder, listening to her heartbeat against Maya's ear and her breaths over Maya's head. It feels like home, lying in Kaoru's arms like this. The way Kaoru curls just a bit closer as her heartbeat speeds up... god, how'd it take so long for Maya to realize that she loves this woman? In what world could she not?

  
Stray bits of song from the living room float through the air and into the bedroom as the world slowly turns around Maya and Kaoru.

  
Kaoru's hand moves up to tangle in Maya's loose hair. It's grown out a bit in the last few months. She didn't pay much attention to it as it happened, but now it's long enough for Kaoru to push her fingers through it and rub against the back of her head in a way that makes Maya feel like purring. Every moment a new sensation, a new feeling filling her up with warmth. "I love you so much," she mutters, and Kaoru rubs her just a little more.

  
"I love you with everything I have, Maya," Kaoru says under her breath and Maya has never heard a piece of music that can rival the simple sound of those words coming from Kaoru's lips, the lyric she's been waiting for.

  
"...Hey, Kaoru?" Maya says on impulse, barely knowing what she's going to say before she says it out loud.

  
Kaoru shifts to prop herself up with her shoulder to look her in the eye. "Yes, kitten?"

  
"...You're exactly what I needed."

  
Maya lets herself lie back onto the bed and stare at the ceiling, the one Kaoru must see every day when she wakes up in the morning. "I told you when we met up that night. That every day was getting harder. And it was true, I could feel myself slipping into this awful place and hating myself more and more, regretting everything more and more until..." She meets Kaoru's eyes again and holds her gaze on them as steady as she can. "But you wouldn't let me just sit there and feel bad for myself. You dragged me back out."

  
She takes Kaoru's hand and holds it tight right up against her chest so Kaoru can feel the rhythm of her heartbeat. "What I want to say is... thank you for loving me, Kaoru. Thank you so much for caring."

  
"Maya..." Kaoru says before trailing off. She takes her hand away and raises it to her face to cover her mouth, before moving it up to her eyes and--oh, no, ah, fuck, did Maya go too far? She sits up to reach out and tug on Kaoru's wrist to pull her hand away and stop her from rubbing her eyes so roughly. As soon as it's away she can see the tears brimming under Kaoru's eyes.

  
"Kaoru, um, I'm sorry..." Maya says as she fumbles with her sleeve and manages to get it to a state where she can use it to gently dab the excess moisture away. "I really--did I say something wrong? I'm really sorry..."

  
"...No, no, Maya, you've done nothing of the sort, I just--" Kaoru stretches over and reaches around to snatch up a tissue from a box on a shelf on the other side of the bed. She finishes cleaning her face and sniffles quietly. "I apologize, I just let my emotions overtake me..." She reaches out to pull Maya close, wrapping her arms around her lower back and hiding her face in Maya's neck. When Kaoru speaks it's muffled. "I'm glad I could be of assistance. It's--I hope you know it's really all I ever want. But I know I can go too far at times, and so..."

  
She holds Maya just a little tighter. Still not tight enough to hurt. "I was so afraid I'd misread things and pushed you too far, that I broke you. I didn't want to show it but Maya, I was so scared..."

  
Maya feels Kaoru nestle deeper into her neck, close enough that her shallow breaths start to tickle. She doesn't know what to say. So instead of talking, she wraps her arms back around Kaoru and holds her steady as gently as she can, rubbing her back as she lets out her feelings silently. And eventually, slowly, Kaoru's breaths grow deeper and more stable. Maya rubs her in time with each one.

  
Inhale. Pause. Exhale.

  
"I love you, Kaoru," she says into Kaoru's ear, and maybe even that helps a bit because she can feel some of the tension in her back fall away. So she says it again. "I love you so much. You make me feel safe, and I want to do the same for you, okay?" Maya hesitates for a moment before acting on her next thought, stretching around and planting a light kiss on the side of Kaoru's head. "Stay with me for as long as you need. I'm not going anywhere."

  
Kaoru stays there for a while, and Maya doesn't move one bit except to rub her back and shift to make sure her legs don't start falling asleep underneath her. A bit of Kaoru's hair lays across her cheek. Maya thinks about kissing it but that might be a little weird so she just leaves it alone, rubbing more circles in Kaoru's back.

  
...

  
"...Kitten..." Kaoru mumbles as soon as her voice is more stable, staying put in her position. "It must be getting late... would you like me to accompany you on your way home? I can ride the train with you if you'd like."

  
"Maybe, yeah..." Maya replies. The time--and the concept of anything outside of Kaoru's apartment--feels like such an alien thing right now, time has no bearing on their little corner of the world tonight. She looks around the room for a clock and squints at the one she finds on the wall near the doorway. "...Ah!"

  
Kaoru shifts to peer up at her. "What's wrong?"

  
"It's--oh my god, how is it so late already?" Maya exclaims as she stares at the clock as if focusing hard enough on it will turn the hour hand back. "The trains stopped half an hour ago...!"

  
"..." Kaoru blinks up at her before straightening her back and pushing away to sit up straight, looking at the clock a little disbelievingly. "...I see. Well, in that case..." Her gaze moves from the clock to the floor and avoids Maya's face. "Er, if you'd feel comfortable... you are more than willing to stay the night here, of course."

  
Maya stares at Kaoru and rests her hands on the bed as she thinks it over. The first issue she hits on is a significant one. "I, um--I didn't bring extra doses of my meds..."

  
Kaoru looks at her funny. Then she reaches over and pulls open a drawer to take out two small bottles, one filled with round off-white pills and the other with little blue ovals, and set them down so Maya can read the labels. "I don't believe that'll be a problem, will it, kitten?"

  
Staring at the bottles as they rest on the bed, Maya feels her cheeks begin to heat up. And then her arms give out on her and she lets herself flop face-first into Kaoru's nice flowery sheets, letting out a giggle nearly as soon as she lands and bounces back up with her glasses pushed to a jaunty angle. "Huhehehehe! Ah, huehehe, I--" She snorts. It probably sounds horrible but she doesn't quite have the energy to care. "I'm so stupid, Kaoru."

  
"You're not!" Kaoru says with a surge of concern in her voice. "Maya, you're--ah!"

  
Her words are cut off as Maya reaches up and pulls her down into a sloppy, sideways kiss. Kaoru's eyes widen for a moment, then close as Maya reaches further around the back of her head and pulls her closer. Kaoru's hair feels so nice against her palm, her lips feel so nice against Maya's own. Everything about Kaoru feels amazing. She almost can't believe she's allowed to do this, but from the pleased noise Kaoru makes as they separate, it seems like she is.

  
"I would love to stay the night," Maya says with a boldness she didn't know she had.

  
Kaoru smiles down at her. "Wonderful. I'll get ready and move some of my pillows and things to the couch in the living room. Just wait here, alright?" She gets up but stops as soon as Maya's hand darts out to grab her sleeve. She turns back hesitantly. "...Maya?"

  
"Stay right here with me."

  
If Maya thought the last words out of her mouth were bold this is a whole new level, and she stammers to clarify as she pulls her hand away and waves her arms. "Um, I don't mean it like that necessarily, I just don't want you to have to sleep out on the couch! And I think--" She gulps. "--I think we'd both sleep better... if the other was there. Do you think so, too?"

  
"..." Kaoru watches her for a moment, just long enough for Maya to almost regret her words before Kaoru moves forward and leans over the bed to rest another gentle kiss on Maya's forehead, just like before. "Whatever my princess desires, I shall provide."

  
"Huhe--princess!?" Maya yelps. "Me?"

  
"I don't see any other princesses around here, do I?" Kaoru backs up to peer around the room with her hand shading her squinting eyes. She looks so genuinely focused that Maya giggles despite herself. "Nope, not a one in sight. So it must be you." She looks back to Maya and a bit of the joking confidence begins to slip. "Unless you'd prefer a different title?"

  
Maya sits up straight and watches her with a smile as she starts to realize what Kaoru's getting at. She humors the other woman and leans in closer. "What sort of title would you like to give me, Kaoru?"

  
Kaoru replies after a long pause in a tone of voice so sweet and hopeful it makes Maya's chest ache. "...Girlfriend?"

  
"I'd like that," Maya whispers back, "but only if we can match."

  
"Deal," Kaoru says. And then she moves forward and reaches out to cup Maya's chin in her hand, raising her up just enough to give her the softest and longest kiss of the night, not one filled with passion like earlier but a quieter emotion than that, one that says _I'll give you another in the morning._ Kaoru--her _girlfriend!_ \--her girlfriend, Kaoru Seta, pulls away slowly as Maya smiles back at her.

  
They can't lovingly stare forever, though Maya is certainly willing to try. Kaoru breaks the silence herself. "...I'll be right back, I'm going to go take a shower before bed. Please, make yourself at home while I'm away, Maya."

  
"While you're away?" Maya replies back, giggling a bit. "You're only going to be gone for a little while..."

  
"And it will feel like an eternity, perhaps even an eon!" Kaoru says back, sounding almost offended at the idea of losing out on quality time with her new girlfriend. "Alas, I must be a paragon of cleanliness. My beautiful girlfriend deserves nothing less, don't you think?"

  
"Go take your shower, dork."

  
Kaoru stumbles back as if dealt a mighty blow. "Such cruel words! I must wash myself clean of them. Perhaps only then will I return, reborn from my old form of a 'dork' and into my destined form, that of the most mythical and fabled of beasts--a 'girlfriend!' Only time will tell... wish me luck on my journey, my sweet Maya."

  
Maya is giggling too much to respond, which Kaoru seems to take as the best possible response to her performance. She gives Maya an exaggerated stage bow before pausing for a second, then moves forward to leave another quick kiss on Maya's cheek, followed by a soft, momentary caress of the other that makes Maya's giggles turn into a quiet sigh.

  
And then with one last smile, Kaoru finally leaves the room, and Maya is alone.

  
...

  
The bed is soft, and it feels nice to collapse back onto it with a deep breath. Maya splays her arms out to her sides like she's making a snow angel and soaks in the overflow of her emotions.

  
This is... this is so nice. Being with Kaoru isn't something she would have ever expected in a hundred years back in school, back when she was just the nerd backstage watching the star of the play from behind as she made sure the lights hit her at just the right angle, at just the right moment. Or even when she had her brief brush with limited fame as a rookie idol, again watching the backs of truly amazing people and assisting them in any way she could.

  
There are so many moments from that time hanging in the back of her mind, crystallized and perfect in their preservation. They shine like stars. But this moment, today, her time with Kaoru... and even earlier, the conversation she got to have with Misaki and Kanon, and before that, meeting Natsuki, finding common ground with Moca and Hanne, finding her old friends again and spending time with them, loving them with all her heart once again...

  
All of these memories are new, but they're every bit as bright as any of the rest.

  
If Maya knew the future held feelings like this in store for her, maybe she would have spent less time looking backwards. Less time holding onto things and desperately wishing to return to the few fleeting instances where she felt truly, purely happy. Because she can feel that way again. She squeezes both her hands tightly.

  
She's so stupid. She was right when she said it, even if Kaoru wants to insist otherwise. Clinging to one happy memory when she can make more, as many as she wants, enough to drown an ocean. She can make them for other people too if she's willing to be seen. If she's willing to love and be loved, platonically or romantically. And if the last few months--let alone the last few hours--have shown her anything it's that she always had the sort of courage to do that hidden somewhere inside her, inside a cage with an unlocked door, and all she ever needed was a push. All she needed was Kaoru's hand on her shoulder and her friends at her side.

  
Everything she feels right now is new and wonderful and that's okay. It doesn't make the things that she's felt in the past any less special, any less precious or worthy of looking back on. All it means is that Maya's finally moving forward. Just like the rest of Pastel*Palettes.

  
...

  
Something clicks.

  
Maya's eyes go wide for a moment and she feels a jolt of energy burst through her whole body. Then she swings her legs around and off the bed, surging up as her feet hit the floor and launching herself forward. She swings out of the bedroom and around into the hallway to catch Kaoru in the nick of time before she can make it into the bathroom, sending her hand out forward to grab Kaoru's sleeve tightly. Kaoru turns back towards her, startled. "Kitten? Is something wrong?"

  
"No, um," Maya replies as she stumbles over her words clumsily, "the opposite, I just--Kaoru, I think I know what I need to do!"

  
Kaoru blinks, not understanding but smiling anyway. "Well, if that's the case then I'm glad for you." She looks down at her sleeve, still held in a vice grip by Maya's outstretched hand, and turns back to Maya's face as she grows more confused. "May I ask what you're talking about...?"

  
"Kaoru!" Maya says, much louder than necessary.

  
"...Yes, Maya...?"

  
Maya looks up and holds Kaoru's gaze firmly, staring into the depths of those wide, baffled, gorgeous sunset eyes, and asks the question waiting right on the tip of her tongue. "Can I use your laptop for like twenty minutes?"

* * *

"Babe, this coffee tastes like shit," Moca says as she takes another long sip. She stares down into the lukewarm brown concoction and thinks of how she'd describe it in prose if necessary. Motor oil with three sugars? Caffeinated sludge? Both sound pretty played out but hey, tropes pay their bills. And so do articles about rare collectible stamps. Which is, purely coincidentally, what she's supposed to be writing about right now.

  
A slender, cool hand rests on her shoulder as Chisato leans in to leave a kiss on the back of her head. It tingles a little, maybe in part because of the fact that Moca just gave her hair a quick buzz a few hours earlier. "Is that so? Then I'd advise you to stop drinking it so late at night."

  
"But if I stop then the words won't come outtttt." Moca raises a hand from the mouse and forms a fist, then bonks herself in the head with it twice as she mouths out childish sound effects to drive the point home. "Donk donk~. See? Empty. Gotta fill the ol' noggin up with coffee so the words about stamps will float up to the top where I can find them."

  
"Is that so?" Chisato squeezes her shoulder just a bit before footsteps tell Moca she's heading for the bedroom. "I suppose I'll be sleeping all alone tonight then, if my Moca's going to be fishing for prose all night long without me."

  
Moca's about to respond to that terrifying notion--with what? It doesn't really matter--but then her eyes flick back to the screen as she hears the cheery notification come in. Ding!

  
Out of curiosity she tabs herself out of Google Docs for a moment to check what came in, reading the text over once, then a second time for good measure. And then she twists around in her seat and calls out behind her. "Hey, baaaabe? There's an email here from Kaoru Seta."

  
"Did the spam folder miss one?" Chisato asks casually as she walks back over to Moca's side.

  
"...Read the subject line real quick."

  
Chisato does, leaning to peer over Moca's shoulder at the bright screen before the two of them. An intake of breath right in Moca's ear. Then Chisato steps forward further and moves her hand around, resting it on the mouse--well, on top of Moca's hand, which is on top of the mouse--so she can click to open the message's contents. Moca's eyes move down to read the rest of it, just a little behind Chisato's pace judging by the sounds of her reactions.

  
Hi sorry it's me Maya, the subject line at the top of the page reads.

* * *

_Hey, it's Maya._

_Sorry for sending this out of the blue, but I wanted to reach out to all of you right away. This might be kind of sappy so I'm sorry in advance for that, and, uh..._

_The first thing I want to say is thank you. Thank you for welcoming me back after everything and being my friends. I love and admire every one of you, and to have you all back in my life means more to me than I can ever say. I want to spend my time going forward getting to know all of you again. And that's why I'm asking you now:_

_What's your favorite song?_

* * *

Humming along absentmindedly with the quiet, instrumental music, Eve's fingers tap the keys lightly. She's supposed to be writing an email to the head of the local flower arranging school to offer her services as a tutor, but she's pretty tired and it's not like it's very urgent, she's got plenty of time to finish this. Maybe she should give it up for tonight and go rest in bed until Hanne gets home later...

  
She stretches back up and smacks her cheeks vigorously. No time for that! Would Honda Tadakatsu or Hattori Hanzo let their campaigns be sidetracked by a desire to snooze? Absolutely not. Eve will follow in their footsteps and get a final draft of this email ready to go before she lets the sleepiness overtake her.

  
And beyond that motivation, Hanne will be so proud of her if she does end up getting this job. The thought of that puts a big smile on her face. She wants to be the person Hanne sees her as, a capable woman who always puts her best foot forward in everything she does. She can do it! She can finish this email, and then she can go rest a little, and then later on she can give her wife a big hug and a cup of tea as soon as she steps in the door. Let's go! Bushido!

  
Her eyes focus back on the screen just in time for the notification to come up.

  
Hmm? Eve reads it over curiously. A new email sent to her from Kaoru Seta. But wait, that's... Maya? Maya is using Kaoru's email, this late at night? Ah, but hold on a second, that means they must be together right now!

  
And two adults together this late at night, probably alone, well, no matter how you look at it that would almost certainly have to mean... Eve sits bolt upright and does her very best to hold in a gasp. "Oh, oh wow, Maya! Oh my gosh!" she mutters excitedly, raising a hand up to cover the bright smile on her face. Oh, but Kaoru will definitely treat her right! And after spending so long worrying about Maya, knowing she's doing so well for herself now is just so...

  
She wipes away a stray tear, sniffling a little. And then she opens the message and starts to read.

* * *

_What's your favorite album, artist, genre, anything? I want to know because any answer you give me will tell me something about the Chisato, the Eve, the Hina, and the Aya of today. I want to know the new versions of you better. I want to be a better friend to you now._

_And there's another reason for it, too. I know that I was clumsy and overeager in bringing up the concept of a Pastel*Palettes reunion show--and don't worry, I'm not suggesting that same idea again. I know that can't and won't happen, and to be completely honest, after the last few days that's not what I want anymore, anyway._

_I just want to make music with you all again. Not the music we made as Pastel*Palettes, I want to make something new. A step forward for all of us. Together._

* * *

The platform is chilly this late at night. A particularly sharp breeze sends a shiver down Aya's spine as she sits on the bench and stares out at an increasingly starry sky, new pinpricks of light coming into view every few moments. Hina was supposed to be here by now... so where is he? Did work run late today? Or--oh no, worse, did he get a ride home from somebody the ONE DAY Aya decided to come wait for him at the station!?

  
Anxiety bites worse than the cold. She pulls out her phone for a quick distraction, swiping past the lock screen--a photo of herself and Hina, dressed to the nines at Sayo and Tsugumi's wedding last year--and tapping in her passcode to reveal a different picture of the two of them used for the home screen, a blurry candid shot taken by Hina while Aya wasn't looking. It's her favorite.

  
Aya swipes past a torrent of social media alerts from ten different apps, private messages from twenty different cherished long-distance friends and a couple from creeps who managed to find her new account. Ugh, she'll need to change her username again. But monochrome_square_valley was so clever!

  
...Oh, hey, what's that?

  
She stops and scrolls back up to the email notification, rereading the information presented. As she takes in what she's looking at another chill goes up her spine and not from the cold this time. Maya looked so lost when she left the apartment the other day, Aya had considered reaching out but...

  
Well, if Maya's willing to take the first step--again, her brain reminds her helpfully--the least Aya can do is see what she has to say. She opens the email with a tap from a trembling finger.

* * *

_...Urgh, sorry, I'm reading that over and it's really corny but I'm super tired writing this and I don't want to rewrite it and ahhh I hope I am getting things across well enough soz. Okay! So. What I'm thinking about is something similar to what I described before for the old plan, a charity show at the center, but instead of our old music we play cover songs. Each of us gets to pick a song or two and we put our own spin on them all. Make them into something new!_

_I understand if anyone doesn't want to do it for any reason. You don't have to explain why, or even respond to this if you don't want to, I promise! Seriously. This is just... an idea I had, if we don't do it that doesn't mean anything. We'll still be friends and I'll still love each and every one of you._

_And once again, from the bottom of my heart, thank you._

* * *

Vwooshin' doesn't quite fit right, and neither does babababoomin', and neither does grrrrrrooshin', so what's a Hina to do when he wants to describe how the train sounds under his feet? He grumbles as he wracks his brain for other options. It's gotta sound big and loud but also nice and zappin' at the same time, the vibrations feel really funny under his feet! It's weird how Aya always gets a little nervous on trains like this. But that means she'll hug his arm tight and that's like the most boppin' thing possible.

  
Maybe he should ask her for suggestions. He wonders what she's doing right now--probably at the apartment waiting for him, but what's she gonna be wearing, what's she doing right now? Grrr, having to go to work sucks! Capitalism sucks! Why can't Hina just get paid for staring at Aya all the time forever?

  
Whatever, it looks like the train's almost to his stop. He bounces up and down a bit on the balls of his feet as he waits near the door with his bag loosely hanging off his shoulder, and as soon as the doors open up he launches himself out with a mighty hop.

  
"Oof!"

  
Hina takes a stumbling step back off of the person he just slammed into. Wait, that 'oof' sounded super familiar! He stares curiously as the other person takes a step back as well, and.. oh fuck, it is her! "Ah! Found you, Aya!" he says happily as if their headlong collision was always the plan. "Hahaha, what are you doing here, though? I nearly sent you flying!"

  
"Hina!" Aya cries, "I was--I was waiting for you and then I got this!"

  
She shoves her phone in his face and it's really bright. Hina squints. "Huh!" he says, and leaves it at that as Aya sputters back at him in a super cute way, like a fluffy animal running around in circles on a slippery floor.

  
"But did you--Hina, you got one too, right? Check right now if you did! I want you to read it!"

  
He pulls out his own phone and opens it up to see that he did indeed get an email of his very own. Reading it over, he rocks back and forth in front of Aya, who looks desperate to hear his take on Maya's words. "What do you think...?" she says anxiously.

  
Hina's still reading, though. When he gets to the end he lets out a whoop loud enough for half the passengers on the platform to stare their way, but who gives a shit about them? He pumps his fist with a grin on his face. "Ahahahaha! I told her she changed!" he crows triumphantly as Aya frantically tries to get him to quiet down.

  
"But--" Aya starts before biting her lip. "What did you think of the rest of it...?"

  
"I dunno," he replies simply, and she deflates in front of him. But he's not about to let her float away like that. Hina grabs Aya's hands tight and raises both their arms in the air together as he gives her a grin. Her hands are always so soft.

  
"I dunno how I feel, but let's figure it out together, Aya!"

* * *

_With love, your friend always and forever_  
_Maya Yamato_

_PS KAORU IS MY GIRLFRIEMDN NOW AHHHHHHHHHHH FUCK SHE UJUST WALKED INTO THE ROOM AND HER HAIR IS STILL WET FROM THE SHOWER SHES SO CUTEEREE HELPPPP_

* * *

Maya leans up and smiles as Kaoru moves in to leave a quick kiss on her cheek. The other woman's face is still a little red and warm, and there's a few stray droplets dripping from her hair... hmm, she must take hot showers. Maya notes this information in a little folder in her brain titled Kaoru Things, a section she's sure will be expanding rapidly in the next few weeks. She reaches over and closes the laptop with a quiet sound. It's got a sense of finality to it, even if she knows that's not the case.

  
She's still got to wait to see what the response will be. What her friends will think of her idea, whether they're willing to participate or not--and she's not doing it without every one of them on board. But this time she's not quite as worried.

  
A little anxious, sure, of course she is. That feeling might as well be her trademark now, it's never going to fully go away or anything. But as Kaoru sits beside her and the mattress shifts to move Maya a little closer, near enough for Kaoru to wrap an arm around her shoulder and pull her close, she finds that the fluttering deep down in her stomach doesn't have nearly as much power over her tonight. She can live with this just fine.

  
"You sent it?" Kaoru asks, and Maya nods simply as she puts the laptop aside to shuffle a little closer. A light kiss on the top of her head as a few strands of wet hair mix with her own. "I'm proud of you, kitten." And when she says it like that, so gently and truthfully, maybe Maya can stand to feel a little proud of--

  
Her mind goes blank as a loud yawn escapes her, and she claps a hand up to cover her mouth. Kaoru lets out a laugh and reaches up to rub the back of her head. "You sound tired, Maya. Should we retire a little early? You've had quite a long day, after all."

  
"Mmmhmm, maybe..." Maya says. Her eyelids are growing heavy, a sign that she should listen to Kaoru. She leans on Kaoru's steady shoulder as her mind starts to drift away slowly. "Love you, Kaoru..."

  
She feels it when Kaoru carefully lowers her down and pulls the covers up over the both of them, reaching over to switch out the light. Kaoru wraps around her from behind as she settles in closely and Maya smiles sleepily at the feeling of arms holding her tight, but never too tight, just making sure that she's safe. A kiss against the back of her neck is the last sensation she feels. "I love you too, kitten. Sweet dreams."

  
Everything else can wait until she wakes up in the soft light of the morning tomorrow, and whatever happens as a result of that impulsive message, that spark of an idea... it'll be fine. Because Kaoru will be there. Maya's eyes close and she feels every tense muscle in her body slowly relax as she slips into a sleep more restful than any she's known in years.

  
She doesn't dream of that day, of blinding lights and eager gazes and clumsy words that stick in her throat. Not tonight and maybe not ever again. It's not a dream anymore, just a memory to hold close along with all of the rest.

  
Tonight, in Kaoru's arms, Maya dreams of tomorrow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> edit: this chapter now has [absolutely adorable fanart from @caliconico on twitter](https://twitter.com/caliconico/status/1276356942345261056)! please check it out it's the cutest thing i have ever seen
> 
> edit 2: this chapter has [MORE ADORABLE ART from @kaomayas_ on twitter](https://twitter.com/kaomayas_/status/1280236854684631042)! please check this one out too, it's fantastic


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _🎵 But now that it's over_   
>  _I'll see you the next time_   
>  _Remember the future is yours 🎵_

Maya's having a problem.

  
Well, 'problem' might be overdoing it a bit, but decision paralysis is still a hell of a thing. She rubs her chin and thinks hard as her eyes move up and down, left and right, bouncing around the display from corner to corner. She bites her lip. There's not a lot of time for her to make a choice, and yet she still contemplates, because... god, this shop has so many drumsticks, how's a girl supposed to only pick ONE pair?

  
All these different options separated out by their sizes, weights, materials used for the tip, materials used for the stick itself. She knows what she wants when it comes to the first two, at the very least--a fairly standard 5B with a wooden tip--but she's gonna have to consider her choice of the third factor for a little while longer. Sure, in practice it won't make all that much of a difference, but Maya's always been particular about that sort of thing. And isn't now the perfect time to try out something new?

  
She reaches out to slide a stick out of its slot, according to text stamped on it this one's a 5B and according to the sign it's made of oak. After spinning it around to hold it firmly as if she's getting ready for a set, she swings it around a little to test it. Hmm... yeah, seems fine. Good flexibility and all. But it feels the same as her last pair.

  
Maya puts it back into its place, scratching her head and looking over her other options for about the hundredth time. As she does, she feels a hand rest on her shoulder gently. She almost jumps, but then from the size of it and the gentle squeeze that follows she knows exactly who it belongs to. Maya feels herself relax and release her lower lip from where she's been absentmindedly biting it all this time without even realizing it.

  
"Hey, Kaoru," she says warmly as she reaches up to gently rub the back of her girlfriend's hand.

  
Kaoru walks forward another pace to stand at her side, her other hand on her hip as she looks over the display Maya now knows nearly by heart. "You're still undecided, kitten? I confess I'm ignorant on these things, but if I can help..."

  
"I'll let you know." Maya tears herself away from the view to gaze at a better one. Kaoru's face is so handsome in profile, especially when she's focusing. The way her cheekbones look when her jaw sets, the small furrow of her brow and the way her eyes narrow, they're all breathtaking. She's dating the latest and greatest Wonder of the World. "...Hey, Kaoru?" she says quietly in a voice that belies the gravity of what's about to follow. "Can I kiss you real quick?"

  
The way Kaoru sputters makes it worth it even if the answer is 'no,' but it's Kaoru, so it almost certainly won't be. "Maya? We're in public, you know..."

  
"Mmhmm. But there's nobody around, is there?" It's late, anybody who would be in a music shop buying extra strings or splurging on a used guitar is either home or out on the town doing things most people would find far more exciting than this. The fact that Maya can't think of anything more exciting, personally, is besides the point. The place is empty besides their group and the clerk way over at the front desk who seemed more occupied with his phone than anything else.

  
Kaoru looks away, but their eyes still find a way to meet. There's a pink flush on her cheeks. She's weakening, so Maya goes in for the final strike. "I just want to show my prince a little gratitude, you know? For being so sweet all the time, huhehe." Kaoru chokes on air and Maya knows she's won. Being cheeky like this doesn't come naturally but it sure does pay off. It's a learned skill.

  
"M-Maya!?" Kaoru says in a strangled tone, finally reaching up to cover her face as she realizes just looking to the side isn't gonna cut it. "I... I mean, I suppose if that's the case... just for a moment."

  
Maya reaches up to put her hands on Kaoru's shoulders. Taking another quick glance all around--yeah, nobody here, no cameras, no clerk--she pushes up on tiptoes to leave a quick peck on Kaoru's waiting lips. It's so brief she hardly feels the contact, but the action of it--the pure audacity of two trans women kissing in a music shop--sends an adrenaline rush through her whole body. She leans back and feels her face flush to match Kaoru's. "I love you."

  
Still looking a little hazy as she blinks, Kaoru smiles down at her. "I love you too, kitten."

  
"...Kao-chan. Maya."

  
The voice is sharp as a knife and cold as a lake in winter. She must have just come around the corner at the very last minute to catch the very last moment of their kiss, and Maya gulps before turning to face Chisato's smile. She lets Kaoru cower a little behind her, holding onto her arm, and comes to a quiet realization that she sort of loves the feeling of protecting Kaoru? She'll unpack that later. "Chisato! Ah, er, huhehe, did you already find what you were looking for...?"

  
"That's right." Chisato holds up a small package of guitar picks. "I went with the closest I could find to the ones the agency supplied back in the old days. My fingers were starting to hurt from our practice sessions." The freeze-frame smile slips a little, like she's letting them off the hook. But not quite.

  
Chisato approaches Maya as if to take a look at the drumsticks laid out behind her, but without turning her way she whispers under her breath "Please be more careful with your affections, both of you. I know you're in the honeymoon phase but you've got to keep your safety in mind." Her eyes flick from Maya to Kaoru, checking to see if she's gotten her point across. Maya nods as her expression finds a place to settle between embarrassment and thankfulness. Chisato holds her gaze.

  
Then a softer smile comes to the surface on Chisato's face. There's a bit of exasperation in it, and her eyes match as she gives Maya a teasing look. "You're still choosing your new sticks? Really, Maya..."

  
"Ah, huhehehe, yeah, I'm kind of having trouble..." Maya replies sheepishly, looking back to the display. "It just feels like a big thing, you know? I haven't bought new sticks in a while... I've just been using my old ones for the most part, unless I had a client who had specific equipment for me to use. I'm not used to having to do it myself." It's far from a bad problem to have, but it's a problem.

  
"Why not go with something similar?" Chisato asks, looking around. "If I remember correctly the ones the agency provided were oak, though I'm not clear on if the material makes a difference."

  
She doesn't know what she's done with that simple statement. Maya feels her excitement rising and does her very best to cram all her words back down, but it's a futile effort, any excuse to rant about something like this is just too much.

  
"Ah! It actually matters quite a bit, at least in terms of preference! See, before you even go into different types of wood, you've got the option of synthetic sticks--personally I don't use them, but they're growing in popularity these days." Her hand drifts over the different options on display, pointing each type out one by one. "Now, for different types of wood, you've got maple, which is lighter and usually used for jazz drumming. Oak provides more durability and should last longer than other types. Hickory gives you more shock absorption if you want to be a little easier on your arms." Maya starts tapping her finger against the display. "There's more options besides those as well! But those are the main kinds."

  
She stops. The silence in the air tells her she's been rambling and she winces. "Um, sorry, I hope that's not--"

  
"So you're choosing between oak, maple, and hickory? I see." Chisato nods. "Oak may be the best way to go, in that case. Durability is always good. But if you're still uncertain then I assume there are other factors at play?"

  
"Yeah!" Maya says as she starts to smile at the fact that Chisato listened closely enough to note all of that down. Of course she did, why is Maya even worrying about this stuff? "Yeah, uh, I know it might be a bad time for it, but if possible I'd like to try something new, you know?" She looks back to the array of options and lets a small sigh escape. "If I could I'd just pick up a pair of each but... with all the expenses lately that's not really an option, huhehe." She looks back to Chisato apologetically. "I'll choose quick, don't worry, I know we--"

  
"Kao-chan," Chisato says as she looks over Maya to meet Kaoru's eyes. She doesn't say anything else but Kaoru instantly seems to get whatever she's implying--is this the power of lifelong friendship? It's amazing. Kaoru nods, and they both glance at Maya for a moment. Then they both reach out and grab a pair of sticks--oak for Chisato and maple for Kaoru, who also takes a hickory pair and puts them into Maya's hands.

  
She blinks and stares at them before starting to realize what's going on. "Oh, no, you can't--"

  
"We can and will, it's our privilege as your friends--and for me as your girlfriend," Kaoru says firmly as she visibly savors every syllable of the final word. "Let us treat you. This way even if one pair breaks on you, you'll be alright, Maya."

  
Chisato gives her a simple nod without comment and Maya knows the argument is done. Kaoru and Chisato united on something for once, the power contained in that agreement is immense. She sighs even as her heart feels so full it almost hurts. "Thank you both..." Maya says gratefully. Then she points at Chisato's package of picks. "In return, I'm paying for those."

  
Chisato stares at her before looking at them. "How does that make--"

  
"It's my privilege as your friend!" Maya says, putting the same energy of finality into it that Kaoru and Chisato sent her way a moment ago. She crosses her arms and holds her chin up as Chisato gives her an incredulous look that dissolves into a smile and a quiet chuckle.

  
"Ahaha, if that's really what you want, Maya..." she says, "then thank you, I suppose."

  
With that they're off to the counter. Maya does her very best to avoid getting lost in the rest of the merchandise on display, all the used instruments and music books and little things--automatic tuners, effect pedals, huge amps, carrying bags with all sorts of pouches--that all make the simple process of making music that much easier or that much more fun. She's already got everything she needs. And she can come back later. Maybe she should bring Kaoru here more often, especially since she's been talking about getting back into guitar for jam sessions with Maya. They can look around and pick her out a new instrument together...

  
Behind her as she walks, she finds a distraction from the distractions in Kaoru's muttered words to Chisato. "I'm not quite sure it's fair to say we're still in the honeymoon period if we've been dating for an entire month now, Chisato..."

  
"Kao-chan, please do us both a favor. Stop talking and go back to staring at Maya's back."

  
Maya stiffens up and feels her cheeks heat up. Was Kaoru really--? Ah, well, it's not like she doesn't take every opportunity to stare at Kaoru. Still, it makes her feel so embarrassed to know that she's being looked at the same way in return. Being loved is weird. And what's more weird is how normal it already feels. It feels like she's been with Kaoru her whole life... but maybe that's the wrong way to look at it. Maybe it's more like she's entered a new stage.

  
With so much swirling around in her head it doesn't take long to reach the front counter. The man working tonight barely looks up from his phone as they pay for their items one by one, with Maya going last. She sets the drumsticks down alongside the picks for him to scan in, then fumbles with her wallet to pull out a points card. Moca was the one to let her know this place even had a program like that. Eight more visits and she'll get a free slipcover for her record player. The man clips it and hands it back to her with a nod as she pays.

  
He hands her the receipt over the counter with a casual nod. "Thanks, sir. Have a good one."

  
...

  
There's nothing to be gained by correcting him. Maya knows that, she really does. But that doesn't stop her from taking in a quiet breath and steeling herself.

  
Kaoru and Chisato must notice the way she tenses up in her shoulders because they both step in behind her like soldiers moving into a marching order, or maybe like her own personal bodyguards. It's so sweet how synchronized they are. Maya picks up her things and gulps before replying to the man, who's already back to watching a video on his phone, in a voice that's only trembling the very smallest bit as it voices three simple words.

  
"Um! Ma'am, actually."

  
He looks up for a second. "Ah. My bad, ma'am. Have a nice one." The man nods again as one more polite send-off before looking back down, and then...

  
It's over. Wow, that went a hell of a lot easier than she expected. If there were some guarantee that every encounter like that could end so simply maybe she'd stand up for herself more often. Maybe she really should when she's got good people at her back ready to hold her steady.

  
Maya finds herself wearing a wide smile as Kaoru heads for the door ahead of her. She ducks under Kaoru's arm as her girlfriend holds the door open for her. The pride displayed in the grin on Kaoru's face--saying quite clearly that she's just happy to be useful--is absolutely adorable. She's like a big dog sometimes, and Maya loves her that much more for it.

  
Chisato stands firm inside, staring at the door and waiting for Kaoru to move as the taller woman indicates for her to walk underneath her rapidly tiring arm as well. Eventually Kaoru gives up at the failed attempt at chivalry and slinks out with Chisato taking the door herself and following behind her onto the street. Maya watches as she waits for them both to join her, trying her best not to giggle at the display.

  
"I really love you, Kaoru," she says softly as she covers her smile with a hand, and Kaoru stares back at her.

  
"I... I love you, too, Maya, but may I ask what prompted that?" Kaoru stammers as she steps a little closer to her. The sun hits both of them at an angle throwing long shadows across the cool pavement of the sidewalk. Occasionally a car will drive past beside them, but few pedestrians are around at this hour, the same as it was inside the shop. It's too easy to feel like they're the only people in the world right now. Their bubble is peaceful.

  
"I just wanted to say it," Maya replies simply and truthfully.

  
Chisato, three paces away, watches the two of them blush and look away from each other with the same expression she'd probably wear if examining the minute details of one of Bosch's depictions of hell. "They're picking us up from here, correct?" she asks loud enough to knock Maya and Kaoru back on track.

  
Maya nods. "Yeah, they messaged me about fifteen minutes ago saying they were on the way over... then we'll be heading to our first stop together before going to the center. Sorry everything's turned out to be so tight. Everyone's schedules were weird with work and travel and everything, I'm glad we figured something out but it's gotta be at least a little stressful..."

  
"Perhaps, and that's fine," Chisato says as she moves a little closer to the two. She pats Maya's arm gently and gives her a reassuring look. "There's plenty of people involved in this and willing to share the burden, aren't there? If we're all stressed then each of us will be only a little stressed individually."

  
"Yeah!" Maya says, feeling the tension start to melt away. She smiles at Chisato. What she says next is on impulse, and it's an observation long brewing but it feels right to say it now. "You know, you've changed a lot, haven't you, Chisato?"

  
"I don't believe I know what you're talking about," Chisato replies primly. "Now excuse me for a moment. I need to call Moca to make sure she's staying on track with her work in my absence." And with that she's off, giving a curt nod to Kaoru before smoothly reaching into her purse and flipping her phone open. Maya catches the slightest glimpse of the contact she taps before turning away. A bread emoji flanked by two yellow hearts. Aww...

  
Chisato moves the phone to her ear and paces further down the street, and as she does Kaoru turns to Maya and steps a little closer. A brush against Maya's hand--it's funny how Kaoru is still so shy to initiate at times. It's fine, though. Maya will show her she has no reason to worry.

  
She reaches out and around, feeling the edge of Kaoru's palm with the tips of her fingers. Kaoru moves her hand just the slightest bit closer and Maya slides her hand down, interlocking them together warmly as their palms touch. She makes sure to position herself so Kaoru can easily give her a squeeze--she knows Kaoru loves doing it as much as she loves receiving--and smiles at the predictable pressure that follows. Ahh, she loves this woman so much...

  
HOOOOOOONK HONKHONK HONK HOOONK

  
Maya and Kaoru jerk away from each other, scrambling back a step. The source of their interruption is immediately apparent. A light blue Nissan with an alarming scratch along the driver's side is parked up against the curb with the window rolled down. A laugh escapes through the opening. "Ahahahaha, you jumped so high, Kaoru!"

  
"Hina," Kaoru replies politely--and fearfully, maybe, there's just a tiny dash of understandable fear in her tone. "You're here early. Was the traffic bad at this time of night?"

  
Hina sticks their head a little further out the window and looks up and to the left as they think about it. "Mmm, nah! Not if you just go faster than them." They smile and tap their head. "It's a little trick I just figured out. Driving is fun, I don't usually get to do it! Thanks for letting me pick up the rental, Maya!"

  
"..." Maya chooses to not say anything. "Yeah, of course. Thanks for picking us up."

  
At some point Chisato must have noticed the commotion because she's already on the way back over, it looks like, and Maya catches the very last thing she says before closing her phone and putting it back. "Moca, I'll have to talk to you later, we're going to be heading out now. ...Yes, I do too. I'll see you soon." She casts her gaze over the scene and Maya can practically feel it herself. "Hina..." Chisato gives up.

  
Kaoru pops the door open and gestures for Maya to enter. She does with a smile and slides over to the far side, moving her bag onto her lap and buckling her seatbelt as Kaoru settles in beside her. Chisato takes the passenger's side seat in the front. "You have the directions, correct?"

  
"You know it!" Hina replies, and they slap the dashboard heartily. "We'll be there ahead of time or your money back." Choosing to ignore the fact that they're almost certainly not getting their money back, judging by the damage that's already been done to the rental, Maya relaxes in her seat. Being around Hina is nice, if always a little dangerous. It's a worthwhile tradeoff to get buoyed up by their zappin' energy.

  
Despite all their worrying talk, though, their driving isn't actually all that bad. They're a little aggressive at times and quick to slap the horn--sometimes for no apparent reason other than pure amusement or a reaction to a funny bumper sticker--but they keep to the speed limit and don't break nearly as many laws as Maya may have expected.

  
Hina slaps the wheel to a rhythm Maya slowly comes to recognize. They must be excited for the show if they're already getting into the song they chose. It's a good thing their sister was willing to share some old score sheets and give them tips on specific segments--Determination Symphony might be a bit tricky, but they can do it. And it's certainly a step up from Hina's first suggestion. How would they even remix the DuckTales theme song?

  
Maya leans back in her seat and stares out the window as her shoulders relax.

  
The city outside moves by and blurs together into a slurry, a stream of gray and white and tan buildings broken by alleys and flashing signs, large screens advertising places she'll never go and things that she'll never buy. She spares a glance at every pedestrian they pass. Each one must have their own story she'll never know and their own reasons for being out so close to sunset. Maybe one or two of them will be going to the center tonight. The thought makes her old friends, the butterflies in her stomach, return for a momentary visit. She greets them with a tired smile.

  
"Hey, Kaoru," Maya says quietly as she turns to the woman beside her to share her thoughts, vague as they may be, but she stops abruptly at what she sees. "...Kaoru?"

  
Her girlfriend looks her way blearily, reaching up with a tired hand to rub her eyes. "Mmm. I apologize, kitten, I didn't realize just how... tired I was getting until I got to sit down. I find..." She yawns. "...that trips like this leave me quite sluggish." Her head tilts to the side, and Maya knows just what to do.

  
She reaches out and up to hook her arm around Kaoru's shoulders, pulling her down gently. Kaoru offers little resistance and settles down to rest her head on Maya's shoulders with a contented sigh. Maya reaches over her lap with her other hand to take Kaoru's hand tightly as her girlfriend rests. Kaoru still has enough energy to give her the softest ghost of a squeeze and Maya giggles at the attempt.

  
Maya notices Chisato and Hina's eyes flick up to the rearview mirror to look at the pair, but they both look away after just a moment. Just enough time for Maya to see Chisato's eyes soften and Hina's smile grow a little toothier.

  
The steady rumble of the engine, the sound of Kaoru's breaths so close to her ear, Hina's giggles as Chisato mutters something under her breath, it all comes together into a melody. The car becomes a little world of its own as they travel onward to add one more inhabitant to their merry band.

  
The airport can't be far now.

  
It feels familiar when they pull off the street and into the parking lot. The last time Maya and her friends--sans Hina--came here for their trip to Finland they had to arrive far earlier in the day. It looks different with the sun setting off in the distance. Red and orange light encroaches at the ends of pure, deep blue above, all reflected in the tall glass windows that make up the front of the airport's main terminal.

  
Hina finds a space quickly even as every other spot seems taken because it's Hina and reality bends to their will. They turn back to Maya after making sure they're at least mostly inside the lines. "So! Where's she gonna be? Are we gonna wait here or go find her or what? If we stay here I wanna put on some tunes."

  
"Uhh, I'm not sure," Maya replies as she tries to mentally play back her last call with Eve. Did she mention if she'd be at the visitor reception area, or... and wait, where was that? She didn't do nearly enough research. It could even be a different side of the building. "Hold on, let me look this up." She pulls up the airport's website, which looks like it hasn't been seen by human eyes since its creation by some intern in the early 2000s, and tries to find a map. 

  
As she works, Hina's already put on their boppin' tunes. The bass line of Discord - The Living Tombstone vibrates the car around them as Hina wobbles back and forth to the beat, mouthing the lyrics. Kaoru snores on her shoulder. Maya's still not finding a decent map, and she--

  
DON DON DON DON DON

  
\--what? Maya cranes around Kaoru to gape at the face staring at her through the window. Overjoyed blue eyes are blurred by the glass and an excited voice is muffled by metal. Eve grins at her widely all the same. "Maya, Maya! I found you guys!"

  
"Eve!?" Maya cries loud enough that Kaoru jerks away from her shoulder and stares forward sleepily for a moment with wide eyes. "Sorry, Kaoru, but hey, Eve's here!" She pats Kaoru's shoulder quickly as her girlfriend comes to her senses and then leans forward over her lap to jiggle the handle of the door on the other side. She gets it open and Eve comes in like a rush of water, moving forward to awkwardly hug Maya over Kaoru's lap.

  
"I got out early, I've been looking out for the car Hina described. I just got so excited I couldn't sit still and wait... It's been so long!" Eve says with a breathy giggle. "Well, perhaps not that long but it feels like I haven't seen you in forever! Video calls worked for practice, sure, but I can't hug you through a screen, Maya!" She squeezes as best she can given the position they're in and Maya lets out a noise somewhere between a squeal and a grunt.

  
"Eve!" Hina yells, and then they've shoved open their own door and scrambled around the car. They come up behind Eve and recklessly tackle-hug her from behind. "Gehehe! Surprise attack!"

  
"I've been ambushed!" Eve replies with a gasp.

  
Chisato looks over the scene from her seat via another long glance at the rearview mirror and this time Maya's certain she sees a smile on her face. "You all," she says in a voice that belies that expression, "if we're all here we should really get going. Our schedule is tight."

  
"Of course!" Eve lets Maya go and Hina reluctantly follows suit, giving Eve one last hug before running back around to hop into the driver's seat and pop the trunk. After taking her bags around and carefully closing the trunk back over them, Eve moves into the seat opposite Maya, and Kaoru slides over to fit herself into the slightly elevated middle seat between them. Maya looks up at Kaoru questioningly as her head gracefully hits the roof twice in a row.

  
She mutters to her girlfriend in a voice that doesn't do nearly enough to hide her amusement, "Are you really gonna be okay sitting there? We can always just move around, you know, huhehe..."

  
"And miss the chance to sit next to my princess?" Kaoru replies with a smile as she scoots just the smallest bit closer. "Not a chance in the world." Then she hits her head for a third time and winces, doing her best to keep the warm smile on her face despite that pain. Maya stifles another giggle.

  
"Kaoru!" Eve says, suddenly sounding formal. She bows as much as she can with the seat belt and the confines of the car, leaving Kaoru baffled and Maya staring. "I wanted to thank you in person--ever since you chose that song for karaoke while visiting my home, I've been looking into the band more, and I've become quite the fan of Queen! That's why I chose my song. Teo Torriatte is a beautiful piece, and I'm excited to play it with you all!" She finally raises her head to reveal a bright smile. "Thank you so much!"

  
"...I'm glad to be of help, Eve," Kaoru replies after pausing. She glances back at Maya with a smile before looking back to Eve's side. "Any friend of Maya's is a friend of mine, after all."

  
The drive back is nice. The sunset is nearly over now, the oranges are replaced by deep reds and then the reds are swallowed by blackness as the city flips its lights on and keeps on chugging. There's something almost magical about a late-night drive that Maya forgot about in the time she's been taking public transit. A world engulfed in shadows and peppered with fluorescent lights doing their best to hold the night at bay just a little longer, and here she is surrounded by friends in their own little corner of it.

  
Hina must be feeling especially generous tonight, because they actually let Eve take the aux and play from her endless traditional Japanese music playlist, filling the car with instrumental ambience. Maya asks Eve about the artists on a whim and Eve talks about them for the entire trip as Kaoru continues to sweetly hold Maya's hand and nod along. It's all Maya could ever ask for.

  
How Hina finds a parking space right in front of the center is another mystery of the universe that'll never be solved. The street is busy--not overly so, but there's definitely some people hanging around. They have to be here for the performance. Maya gulps.

  
"Hey, Hina--" she starts, and then she stops because Hina's not there and the door's slowly swinging back closed. She stares out the window and sees a glimpse of them as they run inside, leaving that door swinging behind them as well. Chisato sighs deeply and reaches over to properly close and lock the door.

  
She turns back to Maya and co in the backseat. "Well, that may as well be our cue to go. The others should be waiting on us inside."

  
Eve steps out first and Kaoru slides over to clamber out of the car and stretch for a moment. Maya grins as she watches her girlfriend squeeze her eyes shut and put her arms up like a cat, her back must hurt from having to squeeze down into the middle seat... Maya moves over to her and pats her arm gently, wishing she could give her a massage or something.

  
As Chisato and Eve go on ahead inside to follow after Hina, Kaoru just looks down on her with excitement and pride on her face. "Kitten, they're all waiting for you in there. Are you nervous?" she asks softly.

  
Thinking about it for a moment, Maya finds that despite everything, she's not. Maybe she got all her nervousness out for a lifetime already, or maybe she's that much more confident when it comes to expressing herself through her music. Or maybe it's because of the look in Kaoru's eyes. Whatever the reason may be, nothing about what's about to happen scares her. The butterflies in her stomach are on her side for once. "No. I'm excited."

  
Though it's already evening Kaoru's smile is like the sun shining down on her. "I'm glad to hear it." Her hand moves out and rubs Maya's cheek gently, drawing out a smile before it pulls away slowly. "I'll be watching you the whole time, as always. I'm sure your performance will be wonderful."

  
God, Maya wants to kiss her so bad. She shouldn't. If the music shop was risky this is even worse, a public street where anyone at all could see them? But then she sees something behind Kaoru's shoulder. A little flutter of multicolored fabric on the breeze held onto a rickety old pole by luck alone. An old friend coming to her in her time of need once more.

  
Her hand slides up to get a firm hold on Kaoru's collar. Her girlfriend only has a moment for her eyes to go wide before Maya pulls her down and then they're fluttering shut as she kisses her with all the love and gratefulness and enthusiasm she can express. Kaoru lets out a quiet sound paired with a breath as they pull apart momentarily, and then Maya's kissing her again. Her lip gloss is cherry flavored. The rainbow flag waves in the breeze behind Kaoru's head like a halo. Maya is in love and she is loved.

  
After a long moment they separate, and Maya feels herself burst into a blush as she finally lets Kaoru out of her grip. "Sorry," she stammers, "that was so sudden, I just--"

  
"Don't apologize, Maya," Kaoru says as she does her best to hide her face. "There's no need for--I enjoyed it, don't worry. Quite a bit. You're always welcome to do that sort of thing." She reaches out to take Maya's hand again, more confident than the last time and Maya's so happy to accept her gentle touch. A mutual squeeze sends both of their smiles curving just a little further upwards before they turn together towards the center.

  
This is the first time Maya's seen it in the soft light of the evening since she stumbled across it by accident. It's beautiful in an odd sort of way, so similar to all the buildings around it except for the flyers in the windows and the splash of comforting color above the door letting her know it's alright to come inside. They head for the door together hand in hand without fear.

  
When they cross the threshold Maya and Kaoru are met with a casual round of cheers and whistles, sending Maya back a step as she blinks. As she takes in the smiles on a few faces around them she realizes what happened, and why Hina was so eager to get here before the rest of them did. When they first burst through the doorway they must have encouraged a few of the others to give them a warm greeting. A few of...

  
Oh god, there are so many people crammed inside the building.

  
Maya looks around with wide eyes. She didn't expect a turnout like this just for their little benefit concert--though most of the faces she sees are familiar. There's Moca and Chisato over by the doorway to the back room fiddling with her bass but mostly flirting from what Maya can tell. Hina's darting all around the crowd with a look on her face Maya recognizes, the Aya homing signal. Behind her, there's Eve with her hands clasped together talking to a couple that it takes her a second to recognize--oh, that's Tsugumi! Hina's sister stands close behind her wife, eyes narrowed as she processes the stream of information Eve must be giving the two of them.

  
Another group passes by next to them. Himari, wrapped around Tomoe's arm like a koala climbing a tree, with Ran trailing a little behind. They look like they're headed for the desk. As soon as the Udagawa-sized barrier moves out of the way she can tell why.

  
The front end of the center has been turned into a sort of reception area, with the front desk's table cleared off for once to fit a cash box so it can serve as a makeshift ticket booth. Natsuki's sitting behind it as a small line stretches out and towards the door. The ones who already have their tickets are spread out, talking and resting on the center's open couches. Her eyes move away from the trio--they look quite occupied with each other--and survey the rest of the room.

  
Most of the people Maya doesn't personally know still look familiar--they must be regulars here, maybe some of the same people she saw at the meeting that night. There's a blonde-haired girl in a red letterman jacket who looks especially familiar. She should introduce herself properly when she can. They probably already know her pretty well through Kaoru, though.

  
The door to the back room is open with a rope barrier in place in front of it, a cheap one they found at a local shop. They're only gonna need it once--in theory, though Maya packs her fluttering hopes for more performances away for later--so it didn't have to be very sturdy. Which only makes it more alarming to see the way Moca leans on it to move a little closer to Chisato, who stands firmly on this side. They seem like they're having a good time, though. Chisato can handle her fiancée... probably. Maya's not certain that Moca can handle Chisato, though, but it's fine. If they're happy that's all that matters, and from the light in Moca's eyes and the way Chisato's shoulders relax that must be the case.

  
"Excuse me!"

  
The voice is a little high-pitched, maybe out of nervousness but as she turns to see its owner--a tall girl with a disarming sort of innocence in her eyes, long black hair pulled back into twin ponytails that fall over a simple dark purple dress--she can tell it's probably in part because they're barely college-aged. It sounds slightly affected. Deliberate in a way she thinks she recognizes. "Miss Yamato, I'm a big fan of yours... if it's not too rude of me to ask do you think I could speak to you for a moment?" she asks before clasping her hands together. "I understand if you're busy, of course!"

  
"Ah!" Maya says idiotically. For some reason it never really occurred to her that she could run into fans during the show, but of course she could, it's not like they kept their names a secret on the flyers and posters that were put out for the show tonight. Makes perfect sense that someone might show up already knowing her. And this girl must have been barely in high school when Pastel*Palettes was initially active... basically the agency's intended market. Oh, god. Her fans are in college now. Maya feels so old. "Of course! Um..."

  
A gentle tap on her arm. Maya turns to see Kaoru pointing to the front desk. "Dear, I don't want to get in the way of your preparations so I'm going to go see if Natsuki needs any assistance. It looks like it's getting busy over there. Will you be alright?"

  
"Of course! Go help out," Maya says with a grin. Her girlfriend's so kind. On a sudden impulse she wraps around Kaoru's arm tightly to give it a quick hug before she can head off, and Kaoru smiles. Maya smiles back. "Come see me again before it's time for us to go up onstage, though, okay?"

  
"I wouldn't dream of missing my chance to see you off," Kaoru replies warmly. "It's my princess's big night, I won't miss a moment of it."

  
"Huhehehe..." Maya finally lets her go. After one more look of unabashed adoration, Kaoru turns away and heads off towards the desk with an elegant sort of greeting to Natsuki, who looks relieved to be getting some support.

  
And then Maya's all alone with her number one fan, who's still standing so politely with her hands together at her front waiting for Maya to speak. "Um, sorry about all that..." Maya says bashfully as she realizes how incredibly gay she just was in front of this stranger, "...was there anything specific you wanted to talk to me about? I apologize if I'm a little awkward, it's been a while since I met anyone who would call themselves a fan of me, huhehehe..."

  
"I won't take up too much of your time. I just had a few things I've wanted to say to you... since I was a kid, really," the girl says as she smiles with just the faintest hint of nervousness on her face, in the way her fingers flex and entwine. "Um, ever since I was young I always loved Pastel*Palettes. The way you expressed yourselves onstage and on tv, and in interviews and things like that... every one of you inspired me to try new things and to be myself. But..." She looks a little more nervous now, like she's not sure if she should say the next part. Maya tries to make herself look as casual and open as possible.

  
"...But you especially," the girl says a little breathily, "um, speaking of the circumstances around when you had to leave. I'm sure that was... a terrible time and I'm so sorry to be bringing it up with you, but..." She fixes Maya with an intense gaze, and Maya feels herself freeze up. She can't look away. The girl's arms wrap around her own torso tightly like she's steadying herself.

  
"...Despite what happened, because of your place in the band you helped me be... myself, you helped me see there was a place for me, too. And I don't know how I can ever thank you for that. If I tried I would certainly fail." She stares down at her feet even as she smiles.

  
"But thank you so much for being yourself, Miss Yamato."

  
The girl falls silent.

  
For a moment absolutely nothing exists but the two of them and the space between them. Maya's throat is so dry--but she has to reply, she can't leave this girl hanging when she's obviously, painfully nervous after pouring her heart out. "Um..." Maya starts, and then in a surge of emotion that starts in her chest she steps a little closer and stands up straight, looking the girl right in her wide eyes. "Thank you, too! Thank you so much!"

  
She has more to say--so much more--but the feelings won't turn into thoughts, the thoughts won't turn into words, and the words she has aren't enough. So she just smiles as wide as she can and hopes her gratefulness will shine through. Like an idol would. And from the look on the girl's face, the way she stands up just that much straighter, she understands.

  
And then there's a sound from behind Maya, a quiet sort of crash, and the girl's gaze breaks away from her to look over anxiously. She scurries past Maya quickly with an admonishing remark--"Masuki, oh my gosh, please be more careful and don't embarrass us in front of Miss Yamato and her friends!"--and then before Maya can reply she's gone, mixed in with the rest of the crowd, and Maya is alone.

  
...

  
She takes in a breath, finding that despite what she might have expected it's not hard at all. Her throat isn't swelling up and there aren't any tears gathering under her eyes, she lifts an arm up to unconsciously adjust her glasses and it moves just fine. Maya is just fine.

  
However indirectly, she helped someone. The worst thing that ever happened to her changed someone else's life for the better forever. How about that. How does that work?

  
Her heart feels so full it may burst from her chest at a moment's notice. It feels like the final weight falling from her shoulders, her self-imposed shackles slamming onto the ground as if they were never holding her back at all. No matter how she feels about the choice she made--how things turned out, how they could have turned out--the way it happened put even the smallest amount of happiness back out into the world, somehow.

  
Even if it's over now, her old life as Pastel*Palette's Maya Yamato was important. She mattered.

  
Maya covers her face with her hands and takes a long, long breath.

  
...

  
When she finally moves them away she's wearing a smile, though it's crooked at the edges.

  
...Alright. Not a lot of time left before the show. Maya knows exactly who she needs to find next. She scans the crowd before quickly picking them out, then making her way through a barely Yamato-sized gap in the crowd to get to their side. The last person she has to talk to before they launch into final preparations, the only one in her group who she hasn't properly seen yet tonight. She's not hard to spot now that Maya knows not to look for pink anymore.

  
Aya meets her eyes as Maya approaches. An awkward little smile comes to her face as they stand next to each other in the crowd, both not sure quite how to start but knowing they have to. Hina seems to pick up on the atmosphere and they give Maya a big wink before squeezing Aya's shoulders--tight enough that she yelps and jumps a little--before disappearing into the swell of people like a shark swimming through a school of fish off the side of a reef. It's just the two of them now. Aya gulps in tandem with Maya.

  
"..." Maya suddenly doesn't know what to say.

  
"...You wanna go check out the stage?" Aya says softly enough that it's almost lost in the white noise of the crowd, but it's still enough to serve as a small reprieve from the awkwardness. She looks at Maya questioningly through a long brown lock that's fallen a little in front of her face. Maya nods gratefully. And then they're off, slipping past people with plenty of apologies and 'thanks for coming!'s at the ready.

  
As they move she spots Eve again, and it looks like she's brought out her phone and started up an online stream so Hanne can say hi to all her new friends. Hina's sister says something and both Eve and Hanne seem to break out into laughter, visibly offending her even as Tsugumi grabs her sleeve and giggles with them. Moments like that make her so happy that they made tonight happen at all.

  
Chisato has gone off somewhere else but Moca's still hanging out on the other side of the rope. She lounges against the door frame with her hands in the pockets of her hoodie as she looks them over. "Hmm..."

  
"Um, can we come through, Moca?" Maya asks after a moment goes by where Moca doesn't move a muscle.

  
Moca squints at her. "Dunno if you're on the list... but I suppose I can make an exception." She unhooks the rope barrier and makes a sweeping, Kaoru-esque gesture. "A fleeting night awaits--may your wildest dreams come true, madames!" She winks, and as they pass through she leans a little closer to Maya. Her eyes sharpen as she speaks just under her breath. "Take care of the wifey up there, and don't mess up Lost in Space. That's our song."

  
"...Really?" Maya replies questioningly, "It's not a love song, though?"

  
"But it could be." Moca winks. Before Maya can come up with a response she's off, transformed from a loyal doorman into a ghost that vanishes into the swell of people. Maya looks down at her feet for a moment, not sure what she would have said if Moca had stayed. Maybe it doesn't matter. She'll give her proper response onstage.

  
Aya's waiting for her inside. She lets her hand linger on the door frame for just a moment before stepping over the threshold and turning back to hook the rope in place again. Then she turns and steps into the back room.

  
It's so close to what she imagined when she sold Natsuki on the idea in the first place. So similar to one of the makeshift stages she'd make in school for Kaoru's performances--either in the auditorium or sometimes out in front of a crowd of admirers--and just like those, she wasn't alone in making this one. Instead of the drama club backing her up she had her friends. A temporary wooden stage flanked by mismatched lights, borrowed from friends and acquaintances for tonight, though they didn't need to borrow the amps that dot the setup. Most of those were already Maya's, and what she didn't already have she was happy to justify buying.

  
They're the only ones here. Setup is already done, the instruments are all arranged in their proper places around the stage. Maya's eyes follow them. From the light blue guitar propped up on stage right to the bass on the other side, it's a lot to take in.

  
On a whim, Maya walks forward and hops up onstage. The wood creaks just a little under her weight but not enough to be alarming, they built it to be strong if not necessarily to last. She runs her hand over the cool metal of the drum set at the back and lets out a sigh. It feels strange.

  
"We're gonna sound terrible, aren't we?" Aya asks from down in the audience's space with resignation and a little humor in her tone. She laughs. "Ehehe... I mean, we practiced and all but it's not like we had much time, and Eve wasn't even here with us. Half of it was fully over video call for the rest of us, even, and my voice is so out of practice it's not even funny... we're gonna sound like complete garbage compared to our teen selves."

  
"Your version of Catch You Catch Me! sounds great, though!" Maya replies reassuringly. She pauses. "I mean, not to completely disagree. We're gonna sound pretty rusty. Do you mind that?" she asks, finding herself walking to the front, Aya's place in front of the mic. She doesn't touch it. "Because honestly, I keep telling everybody I'm not nervous, but the reason why is more... weird than that sounds. I want us to play as good as we can but at the same time--" Her blood is pumping. "--I'm kind of excited to sound terrible...? Is that weird?"

  
"...No?" Aya says in a tone that says absolutely, yes. She looks up at Maya confusedly with her hands held behind her back, waiting for a response. Maya's brain races until she has one.

  
"It's like..." Maya does a little half spin and holds her arm out, showing off the scene onstage. "Everything we did back then was perfect because we had to be perfect. I mean, god, you remember our first performance? They needed it to be so perfect that we weren't even allowed to play for real."

  
"You think I could forget?" groans Aya. Maya stifles a giggle at the look of pure embarrassment on her face. "We looked like complete f--we looked like dummies."

  
"Huhehehe, yeah... feels weird to laugh about it when it hurt so much back then, but it's kind of funny, right? It's an experience we all share. A memory we get to laugh about now, even if it sucked then." Maya finds the point of her rant as soon as it starts to slip off her tongue. "So how many memories can we make together if we're able to look like dummies on our own terms? Nobody telling us how to play or what to say or where to stand, we can do whatever we want. We can look as stupid as we want and nobody can tell us otherwise. Every slip-up becomes something new to look back on."

  
Aya doesn't look convinced. "I don't really want to look stupid, though..." she mutters as a smile flickers onto her face nonetheless. Maya smiles back at her and holds out a hand as she leans forward.

  
"I'll look extra stupid for the both of us, then!" Maya says confidently.

  
...

  
A pause. And then the sound of laughter fills the stage. Maya's giggles melt together with Aya's own quiet laughs, and Maya can practically see the tension fall away from Aya's expression. She reaches up to wipe a bit of moisture from her eye and smiles at Maya. Then she takes her hand and lets Maya pull her up onstage.

  
"...Thank you, Maya," Aya says in a voice shaky from faded emotions, "but I still don't really wanna look stupid. So, um..." She holds her arms firmly at her sides with her hands balled into fists. "So let's do our best tonight, okay?"

  
"Of course," Maya replies softly. "Always."

  
Aya walks around the stage as Maya hangs back. She looks over all the instruments, all the amps and lights and sweeps her gaze over the empty space soon to be filled with friends and fans. "You know, Maya," she says with an unfamiliar tone--something akin to a teasing lilt?--"Kaoru's kind of rubbing off on you, isn't she?"

  
"..." Maya feels herself heat up and turns away, suddenly feeling bashful. "...Huhehe, maybe, yeah." But then she realizes where she's heard that tone before and suddenly she has ammunition to fire back with. "I guess you would be able to notice the signs of that, huh? With how much Hina has rubbed off on you."

  
Aya chokes. "What--how!? I mean..." She looks just as embarrassed as Maya is. Kicking the floor, she responds, "I mean, I guess..."

  
...Maybe they both got a jump start on looking like fools onstage. Maya watches Aya look away and flush, clearly thinking about Hina, and she feels such a rush of affection for both of her friends that it nearly bowls her off her feet. "Hey, Aya..." she says without thinking about it, "...can I hug you? I understand if not, I just..." She trails off as Aya looks her way with wide eyes.

  
Then Aya holds her arms out as her expression softens, her eyes grow warm. "Please," she says with love in her tone even if it's tarnished and worn, "come here, Maya."

  
BAMBAMBAMBAMBAM BABAM BABAM

  
A drumbeat.

  
The few steps she has to take across the stage feel like nothing, and then--Aya is so soft. Maya's always been just a little taller than her, so she wraps her arms around her shoulders gently to pull her close as Aya's arms find a place around her back and hold her tight. She's like a big teddy bear. Maya's never hugged somebody so soft and warm and gentle before, not since... well, the last time she hugged Aya, years ago. Though separated by time and space and so many emotions in between it feels just the same. Like déjà vu.

  
A wolf whistle echoes through the room. "Whooo!" Hina cries with a clap to boot as Aya and Maya separate from the interruption, "Stealin' my girl, eh, Maya? Looks like a boppin' good time!"

  
"I am not!"

  
"She wasn't!"

  
They stare at each other for a moment before sighing mutually and turning back to Hina. Aya climbs down off the stage to walk over to them and shake them by the shoulders. "Hina! Stop being weird to Maya! We were just having--it was a friend moment! Platonic! It was platonic."

  
"Ah, a homie hug, I see," Hina replies. Their eyes light up. "Can I join, then? Do you mind?"

  
BAMBAMBAMBAMBAM BABAM BABAM

  
It's growing faster.

  
Maya doesn't need more than a moment to think about Hina's question, and she doesn't need words to reply. She holds her arms out to her sides and Hina's eyes sparkle before there's another Hikawa-sized weight slamming into her, nearly knocking her backwards as Hina squeezes her hard enough that she nearly chokes. Aya stands off on the sidelines for a moment before Hina looks back and waves her over, and then the impromptu group cuddle session is on.

  
Aya's arms wrap around the two of them gently, but with so much passion behind them as she does her best to hold them both tightly. After a moment, Aya buries her face in Hina's shoulder and Maya smiles.

  
Then the entire group nearly topples over to the ground as a fourth member launches directly at them, slamming against the trio like a runaway train. Eve tries her very best to stretch far enough to hold them all and actually succeeds, giggling as she helps them stand upright again. "I apologize for joining in without warning, I just--I saw you all in here as I passed by the entrance and I couldn't resist, I've wanted to hug you all again for so long!" Her smile wavers as tears start to gather. "So long..."

  
"Eve..." Maya says quietly, and then she reaches over to pull her friend even closer. "You're always welcome here, Eve. All of you are."

  
BAMBAMBAMBAMBAM BABAM BABAM

  
It's growing louder.

  
A quiet sound as the door to the lobby is closed shut. Then footsteps across the floor towards the mess of a group. "You've all got to be more careful about this sort of thing," Chisato says, "I won't always be around to maintain your privacy." Her voice is firm as always but so gentle.

  
"Chisato..." Maya says, and the moment they make eye contact she knows she doesn't have to say anything else. Chisato takes a single step towards them. Then another.

  
And then with one more simple motion she's there with them, wrapping around Eve's arm as her shoulders relax just enough for someone who knows her to notice it. Maya stretches as far as she can to pull her in a little closer, give her a little more of the warmth she's feeling right now. If anyone deserves that comfort--a moment of rest and relief in a world that can be so, so cold--it's Chisato Shirasagi, the strongest woman she's ever known.

  
BAMBAMBAMBAMBAM BABAM BABAM

  
It's growing closer.

  
She loves them all so much. She loves Pastel*Palettes, too, even if that group is long dead and gone. But that doesn't matter so much because Aya, Hina, Eve, and Chisato are right here in her arms, holding her tight and being held in return.

  
Maya hasn't lost a thing. All she's done is gained new bonds. New connections and memories to share, and new people to share them with. A new life that moves at her own pace. One where she knows she can handle anything that comes her way without running or breaking or freezing in place, and even if she does those things she can get back up, even if she goes off-beat she can laugh about it, even if her drumsticks break she'll have extras.

  
A life no longer moving in slow motion.

  
BAMBAMBAMBAMBAM BABAM BABAM BABAM DOOM DOOM DOOM

  
The drumbeat reaches its climax.

  
Her arms are screaming but Maya's not tired, she's too full of adrenaline and emotion to feel anything other than the beat of the song and the sound of the last chord being struck as the audience cheers for them. Sweat rolls down her neck and her shirt sticks to her back. The same one she wore on the first day of her new life. Green, with a Masu Dore album emblazoned on the front. A picture of a girl looking forwards. 

  
"Hey, everybody!" Aya calls out to the crowd as she grips her microphone, her voice playing out just a little louder than the cheers, "Thank you all so much for coming out here! It means a lot to us that people still care to hear our music even if we're not Pastel*Palettes anymore, so I hope you've all had a great time tomorrow--tonight! Urgh, tonight..." Only a few people are laughing, a few others are cheering her on now. Maya knows it'd only be distracting if she joined in with the second group so she just tries her hardest to not join the first. "Anyway!"

  
Aya takes in a long breath and pauses to get her line right this time. "We're almost to our last cover song of the night! This one was chosen by Maya. Um... Maya, do you want to be the one to say it?" That's improv, they didn't plan anything like that. Maya wonders if Aya forgot the song title. But she decides to give her friend the benefit of the doubt, and when Aya gives her a little wink she knows it was the right decision. She nods.

  
Turning back to the crowd, Aya goes into the next quick announcement she has to make--reminding them all that it's a benefit concert for the center, inviting them all to take a calendar or make a donation on their own time. Maya's heard it all already. So while she waits for her cue she finds her friends in the audience.

  
Natsuki's moved from the makeshift ticket booth to the back of the room, leaning against the wall with their arms crossed coolly looking over the scene with a proud grin. Misaki and Kanon stand nearby, still hand in hand, and beside them Tomoe and Himari and Ran, Tsugumi and Sayo with Moca wriggling in the middle and teasing the two of them mercilessly even as she watches the show with eyes trained on stage left like she'll die if she misses a single subtle motion of Chisato's hand. Her young fan from before is there with her friend in the jacket by her side. And a little further over...

  
Ah. There she is.

  
Maya can see Kaoru in the audience cheering louder than anyone, standing a head taller than most of the rest with a proud grin on her face that sends Maya's heart off-beat for just a moment. Their eyes meet for just a moment, and Maya knows that when the show is over the first thing she's going to do is kiss that woman. And then they're going to go back home together--to which apartment? It doesn't matter--and they're going to fall asleep in each other's arms, the tension and stress and excitement of the day melting away into a gentle pool of love, and then she's going to kiss her again in the morning.

  
This is her life now. This can be her life for as long as she wants it to be.

  
It's time, Maya realizes, as Aya turns back towards her once more with the mic clutched in her hand. There's a light in her eyes Maya hasn't seen in a long time. The Aya that comes out when they perform is like a different person, but it's still Aya. It's still Chisato over there with a slender hand hovering over the strings of the bass, it's still Hina rocking back and forth as she waits to send the audience to a new dimension of sound, it's still Eve running her fingers over the keys like they're old friends she's eager to greet once again. It's still Maya, the same Maya as always holding her drumsticks tight and taking in a deep breath.

  
"Thank you all so much for coming!" she says into her earpiece. It's such a reductive thing to say, it can't possibly be enough but if she tries to express the vastness of the swell of gratitude she feels in her chest she'll be here forever and they've only got until 9:00. "We've only got one more song left, and this one's mine, huhehehe..."

  
It's a weird choice, maybe just a little off from what people expected of her, but it feels right. Maybe it's her favorite song. She's got plenty of time to decide.

  
Maya holds her drumsticks aloft in the air as a promise that soon they'll come back down and kick off the final rhythm, one last ride before they all go home with one more memory. A promise that she'll do all she can to put on a hell of a show for these people--for her fans and her friends. A promise that Maya won't hesitate to keep. One she'll spend her life keeping again and again and again.

  
For one single moment, before the drumsticks come down, the world waits for Maya Yamato.

  
And then she cries out the words that will make up her world for the next three minutes and twenty-two seconds. Three words in Maya's voice that contain every fleeting memory, every precious feeling she holds dear inside her chest, these words come together to make up the name of their final song of the night, one that will echo until the dawn comes and its light finds her in her lover's arms. Three simple words.

  
["Slow Motion Replay!"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tRQOtJLl16w)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh wow i actually finished it. this story has been incredibly rewarding to write, and i wanna give special thanks especially to amelia for beta reading every chapter and being SUCH a fantastic editor, to jet for hyping me up early on, to merrill for helping give me the kaomaya brainworms that led to SMR, and to all my friends in the server for being so encouraging all the way through writing this. and thank you so much for following along for maya's whole journey!
> 
> if you're interested in any of the music mentioned, used as inserts, or used for the chapter descriptions, i have [a spotify playlist of everything here](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4WrAQOITuqGERtcgaSBvAs?si=ff2Ah6shRLOukWAd4aW9WQ) so feel free to check that out.

**Author's Note:**

> hope you enjoyed! new chapters should be out each monday (not counting any potential pauses). i'd love to read any of your comments, and you can find me over on twitter @tractioncities as well!
> 
> divinenoodles has been kind enough to beta read this fic! please make sure to go check out her stuff, especially the fantastic [Bearing the Weight of Happiness](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18413639/chapters/43613081)!


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